Baby naming pressures... Updated with PIC: post #71

[castleview]

Do what makes you and DH happy. Don't worry about others.

 

[bumbershoot]

-I worry that my child will be angry at me for intentionally calling him by his middle name and setting him up for a lifetime of inconveniences and confusion
-On the other hand, I worry that my child will be angry at me if I break the tradition and don't include him in the long line of men before him.

If your son is that angry or annoyed with you for this, give him some money and a meeting with a lawyer, and he can change the dang thing. My brother decided he didn't like his name once he was a sophomore and started going by a shortened version, then in college decided he was tired of having to get mail in his given name and changed it legally. Easy.


FIL is only one of 8 people. So you can look to the rest. On the other hand, feelings like that are definitely valid, so if you name him that, you can think of it as naming him for DH or the 1st in the line, or whatever.

Are there others in the family who might like to pull the naming thing over to them? Sure it changes the "firstborn son" thing, but...if someone else would be happy to do it, maybe that's a chance that can be lived with?



If being called one name by the family members bothers your son, he can certainly speak up when it comes time. My brother had NO problems letting EVERYONE know which name he responded to. He simply did not respond to the other name. Not even to a check in the other name. He was SERIOUS about it. Everyone figured it out.

My half brother Matthew...he was that name for a LONG time, then began letting some people call him Matt. He answers to both. It doesn't bother him to be called both. People are different, and you don't know if your son will be more like one or the other.



A friend of mine married into a "K name" family. The matriarch of the family named her children all with K names, and then she was murdered while they were quite young; in honor of her, everyone has used K names since. This gets hard not even 3 generations in. My friend knew this about the family, and gave her daughter a K first name, but always intended to call her by her middle name (nowhere near a K name). Now I don't know what the rest of her husband's family calls her, but husband calls his daughter by the middle name, and honestly I can't even remember what the K name is (but they live several states away...if we were closer I might remember better). So it's definitely an option!



Lastly, at least you know this up front, and know the origins. DH's dad lied to his wife about my husband's name, saying he was named for HIS father, when actually he was named for his best friend (who was a horrid influence on FIL and who MIL hated). Same name, obviously, but made a difference after DS arrived, when we did not name him for FIL! MIL thought it was a skipping naming thing, that it would go Robert (grandfather of DH), Russell (FIL), Robert (DH), Russell (our son), etc. Not only was this not correct (there was no tradition), but no one shared their thoughts on naming with us until AFTER DS had been named. We wouldn't have used Russell anyway (the whole "unsavory" thing goes back many generations with DH's dad's family) but it would have been nice to know MIL thought we were spitting on history....

 

[PollyannaMom]

I think there might be a lot more people out there who go by middle names than you realize. (Didn't it used to be big, for instance, to name girls "Mary _____" and them call them by the middle name?) And DS has a classmate who is actually named for his dad but has always gone by his middle name. It doesn't bother him in the least that I know of.

So I would go probably go with the tradition. If you admit to your DH that you don't like the name, he very likely will feel hurt that you don't like his name, as if you don't feel his goodness is big enough to overshadow his fathers wrongs.

 

[Jaime4004]

I personally wouldn't allow family members to have any say at all in naming my baby. Suggestions are fine but definitely wouldn't allow it to sway my decision. It's nice that they have had that tradition, but if you don't like the name, there is no reason you have to follow someone else's tradition.
For me, I picked out all the first names of our 3 kids. As per tradition, the kids all have my husband's last name, not my family name, so he already won as far as I'm concerned. If it seemed really important to DH, i'd use his name as the middle name (unless I really hated it). But yours doesn't seem to be making a big deal out of it so I would not worry about it...

 

[turning40withMickey]

If you don't like the name, and it is one that will cause the child to be teased, don't use it as a first name!

Middle name is fine (though when you register him for school I would just use an intial instead of the name).

It is confusing on legal documents if you use the middle name, all the legal paperwork will have the name you don't like listed prominently.

I know it is stressful being pregnant and feeling the pressure from family, but I think you should go with what you really want (and if you really didn't mind the name, you wouldn't even be in this dilemma, you would just go with it). Since you don't like the "traditional" name, either start your own tradition with it as a middle name or start some other tradition for your son to carry on (or not, knowing the pressure this puts on the wife/mother to be!)

Good luck with whatever you decide, and may you be blessed with a happy, healthy baby.

 

[NotUrsula]

I'll chime in as a member of a family with a 400 year long unbroken naming tradition. (Yep, 400 years.) In our case it is the girls who get the name, and it is, in fact, two names. As the names are quite common, the understood rule is that you are allowed to use linguistic variants, that you can use the name as a first or middle name, but the expectation is that at least one of the two will be used at least once in every generation of every branch as long as there is a girl child. So far as I am aware, in 400 years, no one except one of my sisters has ever chosen to deliberately completely ditch the traditional family name set. (My Dad did it one better and used linguistic variants for all of his three daughters. I have one DD, and yes, she did get one of the names.)

I was discussing this with one of my cousins some years ago, who said that she really wanted to buck the trend, but alas, God heard her and she only has boys. (that's a joke, you understand).

In families like ours, there is emotional investment in the tradition. We're not pushy sorts, so when my sister did buck tradition, nothing was said except to ask once if the omission was deliberate, but I know that many people did feel a bit sad about it. (DSis chose to name her DD after our mom instead, which was rather an unanswerable argument.)

OP, if you were simply being asked to name a child after a grandfather you do not care for, I'd be very with you on it. However, this is not the case here. It is a longstanding family tradition that goes well beyond that one man, and I will bet anything that your DH does care more about the tradition that he wants to let on. (If he really didn't care at all, or if he disliked the name for childhood reasons, he would be probably be more enthusiastic about ignoring it. Since he isn't, I'd assume that he is trying not to hurt your feelings by hedging. Maybe he is afraid of family reaction, true enough, but usually that is a pattern that plays out in other ways. If he normally doesn't put his parents' feelings before yours, then you can probably safely assume that he is at least a little bit invested in this name. After all, it is his name, too; the odds are that he really doesn't see this choice as naming his son after Granddad, he probably sees this as a question of whether to give your son his own name.)

FWIW, the reason that my Dad's family chose to put the naming tradition on the feminine side is that that way it doesn't end up in competition with the tendency of fathers to want to name their boys after themselves. It's also rather devious that way; by keeping it in the female line, the name set is perpetuated throughout the extended family, even though surnames will vary.

Now then, let me ask this ... how do they tell them apart? Most families that have this kind of tradition also have a tradition of variant nicknames, so I would disagree with the PP who warned that the rest of the family are likely to use the name in spite of your preference; that normally is not the case when there are several living people who carry the name. Most of the time in those cases it is understood that the parents will come up with a variant that everyone in the extended family will use, which allows them to keep straight which cousin "Hank" one is speaking of. Is the "first initial" pattern already taken? He could be H. Harrison Whoosis, if that will work.

 

[ilovemk76]

I would use the first name you like and use the "family name" as the middle name. And start your own tradition.

I have know a few people whose parents gave them a family name as their first name and then used their middle name as their name. Most hated it and some went to using the real first name as they got older.

 

[disneydreamingdebby]

One worry you mentioned was that you son might be upset that you broke the tradition. What if he is upset that you didn't?

I think the compromise is to name him Harrison as a middle name and call him that. It won't cause confusion. I think you can abbreviate his first name to a letter when enrolling him in school and that would ensure he is called Harrison.

I think your last worry is your son's future opinion of his name. It will change many times over his life.

In my mind, it comes down to your dh. I would state my opinion and why I felt that way to my dh, and then I would ask him to tell me his thoughts.

You could always leave it up to him in the hospital to take care of the paperwork.

Good luck.

 

[NaLisa]

I would use the traditional name as the middle name and use the name I like as the first name. It's YOUR child to name (and your DH's, but sounds like he's left the decision to you). I would have one more talk with him, tell him that I prefer the traditional name for the middle name but that if it REALLY means a lot to him I'll reconsider. However, if he still leaves the decision up to you, I would tell him that it's very important that he continue to be supportive of the decision and put on a united front to everyone in the family, even (especially) when they criticize the decision.

I respect some traditions, but I don't think that someone who made a decision 8 generations ago should dectate what my DH and I name my child today, especially if I don't like the name, think my child would be teased over it and it reminds me of a man I consider amoral.

And in the interest of full disclosure, I might be biased, because neither my DH or I go by our first names. It's been a pain most of my life, but doesn't seem to bother DH as much as me. I go by a shortened version of my middle name and have to constantly explain, especially with checks or other documents that use my nickname instead of my legal name. Both of our first names are family names, but our mothers preferred the middle/nickname.

When DH and I had children, we debated names a LOT, but we both agreed from the beginning that our children would go by their first names so they wouldn't have the hassles we've had with ours.

Good luck to you!

 

[okeydokey]

My DH is a Jr and our son in a III. They also go by their middle name. Going by their middle name is huge pain and inconvenience. I would never again choose to name my child one thing and then call them by their middle name. Ever.

Whatever name you want them to be called, just name them that name. Use the family name for the middle.

 

[lizabu]

I think the person who's actually giving birth should get the biggest vote. I would name the child whatever I wanted especially if DH wasn't making a big deal about it. If years down the road he starts whining about how the child should have had his name I would tell him he should have spoke up when he had the chance. There's bound to be some sibling or cousin to carry on the tradition. I think there's nothing more confusing than a family reunion with 20 Michaels etc in attendance.

 

[crazyme5kids]

What would I do if I were in your situation? I would buck tradition and name my child what my husband and I agree on, not what is someone else's tradition.

If as your husband keeps saying, that it isn't that important, name your son that name or names you love.

That is what I would, and did do when naming my children and I have no regrets.

 

[Keli]

I would stick with tradition. Mainly because I'm named for a tradition. And I have always taken pride in the fact I was the lucky one that got the family name (firstborn daughter but I have a twin so she could have gotten it). Definitely considered it an honor and my dd has the name and I know she's always felt the same way because she's already told me that her firstborn girl will have it as well.
I have a friend who was having her third son and considering naming him after his father. The oldest son threw a fit! He told them that if they hadn't named him after his dad then it wasn't right to name a younger son after him. In consideration of his feelings they pick a completely different name.

 

[Buckeye Princess]

My husband wanted to use a family name for our son. It is actually the last name of his great grandfather whom he admired. It is definitely not a normal first name though. So we do call him by that name, but we actually gave him the middle name of Harrison so that if as he grows up he decided that he does not like his name he could chose to go by his middle name. I do at times worry at times if we made the right decision. My husband loves the name and there is not much in life he asks for. However most of the time when I introduce my son I get "the look" until I say that it is a family name.

 

[pixiewings71]

I would follow the family tradition and give him the family name as his first name and Harrison as his middle name. My DD is Anna Camille, we have always called her Cami, I'm Kathryn Merri and I've always been called Kerri. I was never teased nor ridiculed by going by a different name and it's never been an issue at all. At school I was enrolled as Kerri, at work I go by Kerri, most of my friends don't even know my first name is Kathryn to be honest. I have an aka on my bank account (but rarely need it), it has honestly never been an issue. Good luck on your decision, I do feel you should stick with the tradition.

 

[luvmy3]

If I didn't like the name, I wouldn't follow tradition. I would use it as a middle name to keep the family name, but I would not name my child something I didn't like just for the sake of tradition.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I haven't read anyone else's post so as to not taint my opinion.

Name your son the name you want, Harrison, as the first name. Then use the traditional name as the middle name. If you have another son, use it again.


My husband has such a name, handed down the line, and NO one in the family goes by that first name. They all go by their second name since the dad in each family uses the Family name. It is very confusing.

Also, it is a major pain using your middle name as your real name. My husband never gets called his preferred name at the doctor's or on his credit cards, and when we fly, he always gets asked why his names are different.

 

[MrsPete]

This is a situation in which you can provide a "win" for everyone:

Name him Hank Harrison Smith, but call him Harrison.
This gives the nod to tradition, yet also gives you the name you want to call him. You don't sound opposed to giving him the name legally so long as you can call him what you want every day.

When you set him up as a patient at the pediatrition, when you register him for school, etc., never tell anyone that Hank is his first name. Just say that his name is Harrison Smith. Official, legal names aren't required at these places -- yes, even school -- so you'll never have a problem. This saves him from saying every single year, "I go by my middle name."

His full, legal name will be on his birth certificate now and later it'll be on his driver's license, his diploma and other legal documents. You can pull out the whole name when those things become necessary.

As an adult, if he wishes, he can have H. Harrison Smith on his business cards.

This is much easier than being a Junior; having the exact same name as eight other family members is harder.

 

[Kathi OD]

I didn't read all the replies, but I can tell you that my sister, aunt, and grandmother all have (had) the same first and middle names. All of them were called by their middle name, and none of them were upset by that. My mother-in-law also has always gone by her middle name. So I wouldn't worry if you decide to go with tradition in naming, but call your new son by his middle name.

As for whether you should buck the tradition or not, I'm going to vote for going with tradition. Your DH is sending you a signal that he wants that by choosing to leave the decision entirely up to you. It's important to him.

 

[antmaril]

This is a situation in which you can provide a "win" for everyone:

Name him Hank Harrison Smith, but call him Harrison.
This gives the nod to tradition, yet also gives you the name you want to call him. You don't sound opposed to giving him the name legally so long as you can call him what you want every day.

When you set him up as a patient at the pediatrition, when you register him for school, etc., never tell anyone that Hank is his first name. Just say that his name is Harrison Smith. Official, legal names aren't required at these places -- yes, even school -- so you'll never have a problem. This saves him from saying every single year, "I go by my middle name."

His full, legal name will be on his birth certificate now and later it'll be on his driver's license, his diploma and other legal documents. You can pull out the whole name when those things become necessary.

As an adult, if he wishes, he can have H. Harrison Smith on his business cards.

This is much easier than being a Junior; having the exact same name as eight other family members is harder.

I believe this is the way to go. It is a win/win. I think that when your son is a grown man he will understand and appreciate the tradition. From what you have said about your husband, I really think he wants the tradition to continue. Just my two cents, of course.