Avoiding friends because of their kids' bad behavior

[Sabrina90744]

Oh man, my sister in laws boys are TERRIBLE!!! I really dont know how my brother takes it, I wouldve packed up and moved out a long time ago. Those kids are terrible and the bad thing that she doesnt see it, she thinks their perfect angels and I get frustrated that I correct them when they are misbehaving, she doesnt like it, so finally after dealing with her kids hitting my kids and breaking all of their stuff I videotaped her little monsters in action and played it at Easter when everyone was there, she was not happy...

 

[MushyMushy]

The child LOVES to cause trouble and will do anything to start a problem. The only one in the family who can deal with him is my son, who truly loves him and gives him the attention he needs. If we do go over and he's there Michael whisks him away and keeps him occupied. If Michael's not around it's impossible to stay there...

I've never even met him, but I think your Michael is an awesome kid!

The one thing that's always given me such hope with my own son is the way he relates to younger, more vulnerable kids. He has always taken them under his wing, or does things to help them out (especially disabled kids). When you try to compliment him for it, he just shrugs it off and says, "What? That's nothin'."

 

[Camicar]

My parents had two couples in their lives like that while I was growing up.

First case: Friends of both my parents their entire lives. Their son was hell on earth. He'd demolish our house. We tried to avoid having him over to our house. One night, friends drop by and my parents somehow got them to wait outside while we went into "Trouble Kid Mode" -- which meant all hands on deck to remove anything that could be broken from sight. Unbenownst to us, they could see us doing this (must have been quite a sight -- all 4 of us running around, grabbing stuff, hiding it, running back for me, etc). They asked my parents what was going on and my parents told them the truth. Luckily that was the wake up call they needed and they then became better parents.

Second case: Relatives. Son was allowed to break stuff, beat people up, etc. My father talked to his relative about it and relative said, "Your kids need to toughen up." So, they were not invited to our house for the next 15 years. Boy grew up to be pretty decent, we have no idea why.

My own case: I had a friend with two sons absolutely out of control. Friendship basically died because I couldn't stand to be around them and she was of that new school of parenting in which the parents have to bring their kids everywhere but don't actual do any real parenting.

 

[golfgal]

I had a friend like that, we got along great but her boys were unbearable to be around. She has 2 daughters that were just dream children but the boys, OMG. You couldn't talk with her for 2 minutes without one of them demanding attention from her "mom, come play catch with me, mom read me a book, mom can we go to the store, mom, mom, mom...". These boys are 13 and 17 WAY old enough to know better. I just don't go to her house any more.

 

[ZPT1022]

I know people avoid us because of our son's behavior.

That's okay- I really do understand. He's 10 and he has some problems that we are dealing with the best we can. My personal feeling is that most people have the "if he lived in MY HOUSE he wouldn't act that way" attitude. That bothers me. Believe me, we are not lenient, indulgent parents.

I'm afraid that we're that family too. My son who just turned three, is on the autistic spectrum. His coping skills are lacking for sure. When he melts down he is loud. His favorite words are "mine" and "share", and to him they both mean mine. I am sure we get judged. What people don't know is how much we work on this. He will be in special ed pre-k this fall, he has had teachers working with him since 18 months old, we work on this a ton at home, etc.... unfortunately we don't always know what will set him off and he is frequently unable to be redirected. It's hard because he "looks normal". Oh, and his twin is loud. Not necessarily rude, just loud. We are having her hearing checked because of it. I do fear that we are getting judged by this. I still hold out hope for the person or people who can tell the difference and know that it's not because DH and I don't parent.

 

[goofinoff]

I don't do a lot with my one of my friends anymore because of her 2 kids. They have no manners which drives me crazy. They don't share thier toys well when we are there and don't share my kids toys well when they are here! Her oldest has a very fresh mouth that I can't stand and frankly don't want my kids picking up. One of the last times we were together he called one of my kids "butt-crack breath" My friend just laughed. I think she was a little put out when I said that I didn't like that and please don't say that again. I know kids will be kids but I really don't want my kids talking like that.

 

[4greatboys]

I'm afraid that we're that family too. My son who just turned three, is on the autistic spectrum. His coping skills are lacking for sure. When he melts down he is loud. His favorite words are "mine" and "share", and to him they both mean mine. I am sure we get judged. What people don't know is how much we work on this. He will be in special ed pre-k this fall, he has had teachers working with him since 18 months old, we work on this a ton at home, etc.... unfortunately we don't always know what will set him off and he is frequently unable to be redirected. It's hard because he "looks normal". Oh, and his twin is loud. Not necessarily rude, just loud. We are having her hearing checked because of it. I do fear that we are getting judged by this. I still hold out hope for the person or people who can tell the difference and know that it's not because DH and I don't parent.

In my case the kids Im talking about are 7, been in school a year or 2 and are "normal". If either had any kind of problem I would try to be more understanding. But these know what is right and wrong and how to act.

 

[ZPT1022]

In my case the kids Im talking about are 7, been in school a year or 2 and are "normal". If either had any kind of problem I would try to be more understanding. But these know what is right and wrong and how to act.

That's really a shame then

 

[sweet angel]

Yes I have a couple of friends who kids behave so badly I cant stand to be around them. Its not just normal kid midbehaving stuff. In each case the mom allows the child to speak to them in a very unacceptable way.
One I have seen "bump' up against his mom as he walked by her because she was telling him something he did not like. That would not go over with me.
Neither kid has any kind of problems they just act very, very badly and their moms let them. Now they may tell the kid not to do that but they are not consistant and there really seems to be no concequence for not listening.

That's how my friend's kids are. We were at a bbq with them recently and the boy did something to his mom and laughed about. I told him, "You're lucky you have the mother you have, because I wouldn't put up with that." He doesn't like me much. We used to get together with them a couple times a month, but now it's a couple times a year.

 

[Stacerita]

We have a friend in our small circle who's kids just not enjoyable to be around. And they have always been this way. The DD is always one of those kids who butts into the adult's conversations, talks down to her mother and is generally rude to any adult. The son is more of a whiner and if he doesn't get his way, demands that they leave. Its very uncomfortable because they walk all over my friend and she does nothing to stop it. He husband supports the kids so she is at a lost. Its so bad that we always make sure when we get together is a child free thing. Every so often we will try again, and then we regret it. When they were younger we would give more chances, but we've been friends for 10 years and her kids still have not learned to behave. So we don't see her as much.

 

[MamaLema]

Yes!!!! Actually, we had to end the friendship because it just didn't work to have the kid around our family.

DH's cousin has 1 son. The kid plays video games for hours a day, every day. He has been watching R rated movies since he was born. He drinks nothing but Coke. Not surprisingly, he has a ton of behaviour issues. At 3, he was already using every swear word in the book.He is the rudest little boy. I know it's not his fault, it's the parents, but it was just too much for me.

It was not fun for the kids to get together, and I always had to watch them like a hawk so it wasn't fun for me either.

 

[KirstenB]

I was at a new friends house over the weekend for a party. It was AWFUL. Their oldest son, age 14 is autistic and just a horrible kid. During the party he would not stop riding his bike around the backyard - he ran over adults and made a little kid get a bloody nose.

At some point during the evening he decided to take his pants off and moon us. He ate food without using silverware and then stuck his hands in his pants, touched himself for a few minutes and then dug his hand into the chips. Ugh.

He did not interact, did not listen. It was a very weird experience to be sure and I will not be accepting anymore invitations to their house.

Thinking of joining a local childfree group.

This is one of those heart-breaking situations that is hard to find a solution to. It must be hard for his parents...they see his behavior everyday, all day...imagine trying to hire a babysitter for this child. I don't blame you for being upset at the situation. If you like the mom, maybe you and she could get together, while his dad watches him.

 

[MamaLema]

I'm afraid that we're that family too. My son who just turned three, is on the autistic spectrum. His coping skills are lacking for sure. When he melts down he is loud. His favorite words are "mine" and "share", and to him they both mean mine. I am sure we get judged. What people don't know is how much we work on this. He will be in special ed pre-k this fall, he has had teachers working with him since 18 months old, we work on this a ton at home, etc.... unfortunately we don't always know what will set him off and he is frequently unable to be redirected. It's hard because he "looks normal". Oh, and his twin is loud. Not necessarily rude, just loud. We are having her hearing checked because of it. I do fear that we are getting judged by this. I still hold out hope for the person or people who can tell the difference and know that it's not because DH and I don't parent.

That is COMPETELY different! Just for the record, I am not talking about autistic children. I'm talking about kids who's parents for some reason or another never taught them any manners .

 

[mommyoeo]

We don't see some of our family for this reason. While I think they are good parents, their child was born mean. She is hateful to my children, me, DH and my parents (her grandparents). I know all kids say things like I Don't Love You, but she means it. My children always want to see her and seem compelled to be giving and OVERLY kind so she'll love them in return. It breaks my heart for them when she's so terrible. And I fight the urge to tell them to ignore her and forget her! Many times, she will not even speak to them. They get nicer and nicer, move right in front of her, offer her toys, etc, just so she'll acknowledge them. She still doesn't, unless SHE wants to. She is bright and social and has absolutley no developmental difficulites or anything that would cause her to be a challenge. Sadly, she was born the most selfish and hateful child I've ever seen. I think even her parents, who are doing lots of things right, are unsure how to change her HEART. I mean, you can get a child to change their behavior through reprimands and rewards or something, but they are still either mean or nice at the core. That's what's very, very sad!

One thing I always wanted was to have children that OTHER people could enjoy too. It is nice for children to feel like they "belong" in society and if everyone wants to avoid or shut up certain kids, how would that affect their well-being? Not teaching children right behavior is lazy on the parents parts and causes lifelong trouble for the kids many times.

 

[MushyMushy]

That is COMPETELY different! Just for the record, I am not talking about autistic children. I'm talking about kids who's parents for some reason or another never taught them any manners .

That's the way I feel. My son has behavioral disorders, so I would have a far different attitude towards this situation if my friend's kids had issues. I've said this before, but I was just very very lucky that my son didn't often act up like that in front of other people. My daughter just didn't because she's laid back. The few times my son did misbehave to the point of being disruptive, I removed him from the situation. As a teenager, though... well, let's just say he's not quite as easily controlled. We're getting there, though, and I think he's matured quite a bit. I'm very cautiously optimistic about him.

Funny enough, my son had a few things to say about this today! I told him my friend was in town with the kids, and he said, "They're so spoiled!" He went on to talk about how, a few years ago, he spent a couple of weeks at my friend's house and she had him spoiled to death and how hard it was to come back home to me. Sorry, but I consider that a compliment.

 

[disneymom3]

I'm afraid that we're that family too. My son who just turned three, is on the autistic spectrum. His coping skills are lacking for sure. When he melts down he is loud. His favorite words are "mine" and "share", and to him they both mean mine. I am sure we get judged. What people don't know is how much we work on this. He will be in special ed pre-k this fall, he has had teachers working with him since 18 months old, we work on this a ton at home, etc.... unfortunately we don't always know what will set him off and he is frequently unable to be redirected. It's hard because he "looks normal". Oh, and his twin is loud. Not necessarily rude, just loud. We are having her hearing checked because of it. I do fear that we are getting judged by this. I still hold out hope for the person or people who can tell the difference and know that it's not because DH and I don't parent.

I don't think that is the same at all. It is the parents who just take a bunch of terrible behavior from their children or don't seem to notice that their kids are being badly behaved that irk other people. The parent who thinks that little Jon can do no wrong when right next to them, Jon is whaling on his cousin.

 

[PatsGirl]

Oh, boy! Don't even get me started. Just remember everyone, these are the children that will someday be the adults and how scary is that Why can't parents see that being lenient and permissive is doing their kids no favor? IMHO it is lazy and selfish to not do your best to raise your children with manners and discipline. Now, my children are far from perfect and I am far from the perfect Mom but it's definately not from a lack of effort! If you don't want to care of your children and take the time to do your BEST to raise them to be upstanding, "something to offer the rest of the world" citizens, don't have them (or let someone else raise them as the need be). I am so tired of being around rude, disrespectful children so often... I keep hoping that it's just the people that I know around here, that it's not the whole world.

OT a bit, we vacationed in Myrtle Beach this Spring and the one thing I came home with was that the teenagers (and others as well) were so respectful and nice. Wish I had them bagging my groceries, serving my burger, sitting in the seat behind my in the theatre, here in the Northeast! Please tell me there are other places in the US like this because I find it rare to see this on the East Coast.

And sorry to all those parents out there giving it their all -- it's not an easy job I know, but some just think kids raise themselves and these are the ones I really have an issue with.

And for the person who went to the cookout with the autistic child -- while it may have been uncomfortable, this is not what many of us are saying. I can't even imagine what patience and resilence it must take to try to bring up a child with autism, to those parents I

 

[ZPT1022]

That is COMPETELY different! Just for the record, I am not talking about autistic children. I'm talking about kids who's parents for some reason or another never taught them any manners .

I think for the most part our friends and family are aware. We do have a few older relatives who just can't grasp the concept of what we're saying but mostly everyone is good. I worry about the people who see my son flipping out at the park, or the grocery store, or the time we were in Red Robin and he could not deal with the balloons that had escaped and were on the ceiling. He was rocking and saying "balloon, balloon, balloon, balloon, balloon..........." over and over. DH (he prefers DH)had to take him outside, get him to focus on something else and then bring him back in without letting him see the darn balloons again. Times like that when people are staring and whispering are very hard on me. At the suggestion of one of his teachers we are having cards made up to hand to people that explain his condition. Thank you for being understanding though

That's the way I feel. My son has behavioral disorders, so I would have a far different attitude towards this situation if my friend's kids had issues. I've said this before, but I was just very very lucky that my son didn't often act up like that in front of other people. My daughter just didn't because she's laid back. The few times my son did misbehave to the point of being disruptive, I removed him from the situation. As a teenager, though... well, let's just say he's not quite as easily controlled. We're getting there, though, and I think he's matured quite a bit. I'm very cautiously optimistic about him.

Funny enough, my son had a few things to say about this today! I told him my friend was in town with the kids, and he said, "They're so spoiled!" He went on to talk about how, a few years ago, he spent a couple of weeks at my friend's house and she had him spoiled to death and how hard it was to come back home to me. Sorry, but I consider that a compliment.

My son just turned three and I think cautiously optimistic sums it up pretty well. about almost being sad to come home though. That's the point of a vacation- it's not real life. Gotta come back to reality at some point.

I don't think that is the same at all. It is the parents who just take a bunch of terrible behavior from their children or don't seem to notice that their kids are being badly behaved that irk other people. The parent who thinks that little Jon can do no wrong when right next to them, Jon is whaling on his cousin.

Yeah, we don't take any crap from our kids. They know that there are consequences for bad behavior. Sometimes I want to point out to people that obviously we're not just horrible parents since we have two others that act okay the majority of the time. Back before having kids I was a school age daycare teacher. We had a "My kids can do no wrong" family there and they drove me nuts. I had a kid with Downs in my class, sweet kid, happy, never hurt a fly. The other child would constantly antagonize him and even hit him. When I brought it up to mom she said "Oh, he has allergies" WHAT????????? What does that even mean? Is he allergic to acting like a normal human being or what? Someone upthread mentioned a child who is just plain mean, that was this kid.

 

[Disney Doll]

I would have to cool the friendship because the stress of dealing with that wouldn't be worth it to me.

It would make me sad, but I would feel I had no other alternative.

 

[Linnie The Pooh]

I also avoid a friend of mine. She has a 6 year old son. Or maybe he's 7. I don't know, but he's very, very sneaky and mean. When my DD was about 3, he purposely pushed her down the stairs. It was a long set of stairs that were wooden. I was standing around the corner and never knew her son was so mean or I would've been watching like a hawk. I heard DD scream and I came around that corner so fast. Dd ended up with a bloody lip and was crying pretty hard. I caught her after she rolled down about 3 steps.

My friend's other son tells her mom that he pushed my DD down the stairs on purpose, which I'm sure was true, so as discipline my friend tells him to not do that or he'd get a time out next time. He starts crying so she picks him up, cuddles him and tells him how sorry she was that she got mad at him. My kid was the one who got hurt! I avoided them after that, but they call every so often and I have to make excuses. I'd love to explain to her why I avoid them, but I know she wouldn't believe it. She's very -how should I put it- outspoken and gets right in people's faces if they say anything or do anything she perceives as negative to her kids-even if it isn't.

One time at her house, I was there for a party, but left my kids home for obvious reasons. My nephew was swinging on a swing and this little brat was hitting him with another swing. Of course when his parents were told, they were sure he'd never do something like that.

He is just mean and it makes playdates waaaaay too hard. I am too chicken to tell his parents why I avoid them so I'm sure I come across as a real witch, but at least my kids are safe. OP, you have my sympathy and I'm sending you a I hope things improve.