Avoiding friends because of their kids' bad behavior

[MushyMushy]

Do you ever avoid any of your friends because their kids behave so badly?

I just don't know how to handle this with a friend of mine. I love her dearly and we've been friends since forever. Her kids are totally out of control -- the older ones are snide and rude to other adults and make me completely uncomfortable. The younger ones are screaming banshees. They literally run my friend in circles and if she's not entertaining them 24/7, they get in her face and scream at her. It's impossible to have a conversation with her when the kids are there.

She lives in a different town, so it's not like I have to deal with it all the time, but it's gotten to the point where our get togethers are so unbearable. I feel horrible!

I used to think it was just me, but then a mutual friend and I somehow started discussing it and we were both in agreement. I say "somehow" because, honestly, my friends and I don't gossip or talk about one another.

Do you have a situation like this? How do you handle it?

 

[mickeyboat]

Do you see them often?

I ask because if I am around other peoples' kids often, and they act up, I have no problem speaking to them myself. They tend to listen better to other people than their own parents.

If that was not an option, I would have no problem cooling my relationship with a friend whose kids acted like that. Can you try to get together sans children?

Denae

 

[Mermaid02]

I know people avoid us because of our son's behavior.

That's okay- I really do understand. He's 10 and he has some problems that we are dealing with the best we can. My personal feeling is that most people have the "if he lived in MY HOUSE he wouldn't act that way" attitude. That bothers me. Believe me, we are not lenient, indulgent parents.

 

[MushyMushy]

Do you see them often?

I ask because if I am around other peoples' kids often, and they act up, I have no problem speaking to them myself. They tend to listen better to other people than their own parents.

If that was not an option, I would have no problem cooling my relationship with a friend whose kids acted like that. Can you try to get together sans children?

Denae

Her oldest two kids are my kids' ages, and we used to get together a lot more frequently back when they were younger because they lived closer. We did have an agreement that if one of us wasn't around, we were free to correct each other's kids. You know how touchy that can be, but it worked out for us. If they were acting up while their mom was around, sometimes I would do a generalized, "You kids need to stop running around here, and go play in that area!" That would include my kids, even if they weren't doing anything wrong -- kind of more diplomatic, if you know what I mean.

It's just different now that her youngest are the only younger kids around. She's developed that laid-back, hands-off approach that some parents get after they've had more than a couple of kids (note I said "some parents" ).

She does sometimes come visit without the kids and those visits are so great! I'm just biding my time until her youngest ones grow up and are out of the house and I can have my friend back.

 

[WonderfulDreamer2]

Uuugghhh! I avoid my sister because of that. She has 2 boys...1 of which I would almost rather have a frontal lobotomy than be around. He is a hellion to the Nth degree. It makes me sad because I really do love them, I just don't like them.

 

[MushyMushy]

I know people avoid us because of our son's behavior.

That's okay- I really do understand. He's 10 and he has some problems that we are dealing with the best we can. My personal feeling is that most people have the "if he lived in MY HOUSE he wouldn't act that way" attitude. That bothers me. Believe me, we are not lenient, indulgent parents.

I'm sorry for that.

I know if any of her kids had issues, it would be far easier to take. Trust me when I say we're not dealing with a situation like that.

 

[Cool-Beans]

The only person I ever knew with a truly horribly-behaved child (she hit her mother!!! And it was allowed!!!) would come over and I'd tell the kids to go play in another room, the grown-ups wanted to be alone.

The little brat would come by once in a while, but I rarely had to deal with her. She stayed away from me after I grabbed her arm and gripped it hard while telling her she was not allowed to hit me or my children.

 

[Luv'sTink]

I know people avoid us because of our son's behavior.

That's okay- I really do understand. He's 10 and he has some problems that we are dealing with the best we can. My personal feeling is that most people have the "if he lived in MY HOUSE he wouldn't act that way" attitude. That bothers me. Believe me, we are not lenient, indulgent parents.

My FIL just basically said this about my son.....wanna know the funny part? His oldest son (42) still lives in his basement, did not graduate and does not hold a regular job and his grandson ((22) of said son) lives in the basement did not graduate high school and does not hold down a job for more than a few months. THEY move women and the womens children in and out all the time and FIL doesn't say anything to either of them. They come up stairs and "shop" in the in-laws cupboards.

DH sister didn't graduate either, she got pregnant and married before graduation. She is a really nice person though unlike brother in law.

If that is the kind of "job" he would do raising my son, no thanks! DH actually said something about them watching DS while we went to Vegas, that was how the whole conversation happened.

DH is nothing like his brother, now. He was heading that way before we met and got married. DH did graduate from High school and has some college.

I have also had so many people tell me how polite and well behaved my son is and for the most part he is but he does have his moments, like most 10 year olds AND I am not perfect so neither is he!

 

[MushyMushy]

The only person I ever knew with a truly horribly-behaved child (she hit her mother!!! And it was allowed!!!) would come over and I'd tell the kids to go play in another room, the grown-ups wanted to be alone.

The little brat would come by once in a while, but I rarely had to deal with her. She stayed away from me after I grabbed her arm and gripped it hard while telling her she was not allowed to hit me or my children.

It sounds like we're friends with the same woman! Our mutual friend was telling me a similar story where one of the kids was mad because his mom wasn't listening to him, so he started screaming in her face. My mutual friend said to him in her best stern teacher's voice, "You do NOT. Talk. To your mother that way in my house. EVER!" She said he gave her a wide berth after that, but didn't scream at his mother for the rest of the day.

Personally, I'm not comfortable taking that stance because I'm not around the kids as often as the mutual friend is.

 

[MushyMushy]

I have also had so many people tell me how polite and well behaved my son is and for the most part he is but he does have his moments, like most 10 year olds AND I am not perfect so neither is he!

If you've read any of MY posts, you'd know that my kids are far from perfect too. I'm willing to bet there's a person or two who thought they were wild too.

Anyway, my point is, I'm pretty darn tolerant when it comes to kids. So if the kids are wild enough to drive me away, then they're pretty outrageous.

 

[ducklite]

When my son was about nine we had friends that had two boys, one DS's age, and the other was about two years younger.

Now I'm not saying my kid was an angel--far from it--but these two boys were just crazy out of control. They needed Super Nanny for sure.

They would hit their parents and the punishment would be "no treats" (candy) tonight.

They cursed at their parents and were sent to thier room for a few minutes, if they would go. If they didn't the parents would scream at them for a minute then go back to what they were doing. There was never any consequences for the behaviour.

It was just horrible. I couldn't stand being around them. Their house was absolute chaos--that's the only word I can think to describe the situation there.

The parents were really nice, personable people, but sadly just didn't know how to parent. They were letting the boys run the household. We finally severed the friendship because the two kids were a really bad influence on our son, and we just couldn't stand being around the kids any longer.

Anne

 

[MushyMushy]

When my son was about nine we had friends that had two boys, one DS's age, and the other was about two years younger.

Now I'm not saying my kid was an angel--far from it--but these two boys were just crazy out of control. They needed Super Nanny for sure.

They would hit their parents and the punishment would be "no treats" (candy) tonight.

They cursed at their parents and were sent to thier room for a few minutes, if they would go. If they didn't the parents would scream at them for a minute then go back to what they were doing. There was never any consequences for the behaviour.

It was just horrible. I couldn't stand being around them. Their house was absolute chaos--that's the only word I can think to describe the situation there.

The parents were really nice, personable people, but sadly just didn't know how to parent. They were letting the boys run the household. We finally severed the friendship because the two kids were a really bad influence on our son, and we just couldn't stand being around the kids any longer.

Anne

I think if my friend's kids were cursing at her, she'd probably turn things around.

I know it sounds so hypocritical of me to post this considering my own son's bipolar and ODD issues. I think I'm very fortunate that he wasn't like that when he was little. He was so backwards and shy around people that he wouldn't even make a peep! At home, on the other hand... Well, you know.

 

[NEM]

Oh yes....I could have written your post...

My best friend since we were 7 years old....I cant stand her kids...and the way they talk to her. They already know I wont put up with their crap, and they are respectful to me (most of the time) , but I cannot stand to watch them with her...she has no backbone and no discipline with either of them.

I have found that I avoid seeing them or hanging out with them much at all anymore....We live far away, so it is easy, but I avoided our annual summer gathering this year for just this reason.

After the last get together, I was so annoyed with her kids, I think I need a break. Maybe with a year or two to mature...they will get better. I can only hope.....

It really does stink though. I miss seeing my friend.

 

[disykat]

Definately one friend. It's better now that the kids are older and we can get together without them. I feel bad for her because I know I'm not the only one who avoids inviting her to anything where families are included. Her oldest is the main problem and he's 14 now - it's been going on for a LOOOONG time, ever since our kids all started asking if he was going to be there and then getting really upset and not wanting to go if we said yes.

I love my friend, but she does inspire some gossip when get together and we are all commiserating about our children's misbehavior and she keeps saying things like "oh really? My children never do that!" etc. She honestly acts like she has no idea her kids are a problem.

 

[Robinrs]

I love my aunt to death but she takes care of her great grandchild who is the spawn of SATAN!

I hardly blame the child, his mother had him at 14..yes, 14, and could care less about him. His grandmother, my cousin, refuses to be called Grandma and never speaks to him, just yells at him. So my aunt, his Great Grandma, takes him in and SHE yells at him all day...

The child LOVES to cause trouble and will do anything to start a problem. The only one in the family who can deal with him is my son, who truly loves him and gives him the attention he needs. If we do go over and he's there Michael whisks him away and keeps him occupied. If Michael's not around it's impossible to stay there...

 

[ducklite]

I love my aunt to death but she takes care of her great grandchild who is the spawn of SATAN!

I hardly blame the child, his mother had him at 14..yes, 14, and could care less about him. His grandmother, my cousin, refuses to be called Grandma and never speaks to him, just yells at him. So my aunt, his Great Grandma, takes him in and SHE yells at him all day...

The child LOVES to cause trouble and will do anything to start a problem. The only one in the family who can deal with him is my son, who truly loves him and gives him the attention he needs. If we do go over and he's there Michael whisks him away and keeps him occupied. If Michael's not around it's impossible to stay there...

Poor kid, it sounds like he's craving attention so badly that he'll do anything to get it--good or bad.

Anne

 

[mmcguire]

YES!!! Our friends' 3 YO is a nightmare. At one party, he tore down decorations and ripped a chunk out of our hallway wallpaper. At a BBQ, he broke a coaster, broke the handle on our back door, ran around with a sharp hot dog fork and threw several expensive bratwursts into the fire. His dad sat nearby on the deck, oblivious to his behavior, and his mom was inside tending the baby.

He's behaved a little better recently, so we invited them to our neighborhood pool yesterday (mistake). He YELLED the entire time, splashed other kids, kept unhooking the rope dividing the shallow end from the deep end. Then he ran into the pool house with wet feet and fell twice, and screamed and cried like he was dying. His mom defending his running inside because he was about to poop his pants. That would have been the perfect touch -- floating a turd in our pool.

The president of our HOA was there with his girls, and this is the first time we've ever invited a guest to the pool. I wanted to crawl into a hole.

 

[TinkerbellMama]

Do you ever avoid any of your friends because their kids behave so badly?

Do you have a situation like this? How do you handle it?

I avoid my friend and neighbor because her oldest child is HORRIBLE. Just absolutely awful. He is a rude, nasty, somewhat mean-spirited little boy with a lot of emotional problems. I do feel bad for him. He's been through a lot in his short lifetime...but I don't feel bad enough to let him hit/push/scream at my two year old!

To be honest, my neighbor knows her son has a lot of psychological and social problems, and she does have him in counseling. She apologizes on his behalf when he isn't nice to others and tries to redirect him...she's just not very good at it (in other words, she's a doormat). In the past I've tried giving her parenting advice, lending her books about dealing with difficult or troubled children, and even modeling the appropriate parental response for her by stepping in when she clearly didn't have a handle on the situation. All to no avail. She just doesn't seem to get it, and quite frankly I don't have the energy to "save" someone else's child or family at this point. I just avoid them as much as possible, and try to ignore him completely when we do cross paths.

 

[4greatboys]

Yes I have a couple of friends who kids behave so badly I cant stand to be around them. Its not just normal kid midbehaving stuff. In each case the mom allows the child to speak to them in a very unacceptable way.
One I have seen "bump' up against his mom as he walked by her because she was telling him something he did not like. That would not go over with me.
Neither kid has any kind of problems they just act very, very badly and their moms let them. Now they may tell the kid not to do that but they are not consistant and there really seems to be no concequence for not listening.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

I was at a new friends house over the weekend for a party. It was AWFUL. Their oldest son, age 14 is autistic and just a horrible kid. During the party he would not stop riding his bike around the backyard - he ran over adults and made a little kid get a bloody nose.

At some point during the evening he decided to take his pants off and moon us. He ate food without using silverware and then stuck his hands in his pants, touched himself for a few minutes and then dug his hand into the chips. Ugh.

He did not interact, did not listen. It was a very weird experience to be sure and I will not be accepting anymore invitations to their house.

Thinking of joining a local childfree group.