Attention all!

[Pakey]

My husband does all of it. I work a lot more hours than he does so his work at home evens it out.

 

[SaraJayne]

I guess that all depends. If he's going to be critcized on how he does the laundry or dishes, then no - I don't blame anyone (man or woman) for not helping out with a chore. Furthermore, you're a stay-at-home wife/mother aren't you? Isn't cleaning the house your job in the first place? Does he get praise every day for going to work and bringing in a paycheck that allows you to stay in that 2,000 sq ft home? Isn't cleaning that 2,000 sq ft house your responsibility in the marriage since you're not doing anything else to support the upkeep of that domicile?

Perhaps if both the man and woman were working, I could maybe see getting on his case about not doing any chores. Maybe. DH and I both work, yet we've settled on an equitable solution that fits in both our comfort zones: he does the outside chores, I do the inside. Neither one is more important than the other. I don't make a big fuss over him every time he shovels the snow or mows the lawn, nor does he make a big fuss over me every time I pick up his clothes or do the dishes after dinner. (Although occasionally we'll do something nice for each other like I'll have hot coffee or chocolate waiting for him when it's really cold out; he'll make his special dishes every once in awhile AND clean up the kitchen afterward)

Every once in awhile I'll mow the lawn or he'll do the laundry, and we're each appreciative of the other one when they go outside their own comfort level because they're making a special gesture of saying, "I love you and I know you're beat this week. I'll do this for you." So we keep the critiquing of how they did that chore to a minimum and simply appreciate the gesture.

That's been our experience and it works for us. YMMV, though.

I am very thankful my DH sees me as more than a maid and housekeeper. Too bad yours doesn't.

I find your attitude about "women's work" and SAHP backwards and out-dated. But I'm not going to get into it, as you won't change my mind and I won't change yours.

 

[Carly_Roach]

My husband does the cooking and the laundry. He never asks for thanks. Who the heck are you guys married to? This is 2011 for heaven's sake. WTH? Some of you REALLY think he deserves praise???? Is this some sort of cult, Stepford mindset? Do these same men expect to be met by their wives, freshly showered, barefood with a coctail in hand when they walk through the door at night? This is a crazy thread!! I am very grateful for my evolved spouse, very, very grateful. I WILL thank him for THAT but believe me, he doesn't expect it.

I think this is where our experiences differ. I don't have time to rush home from work, shower, and be barefoot with a cocktail in hand when he gets in the door. Heck, half the time he gets home before I do.

(pauses for mental picture of DH freshly showered, barefoot and waiting at the door for me with a martini. Hmm...)

Maybe women wouldn't be so exasperated with their husbands who want a gold star for doing a household chore if they instead stopped and realized how they would feel if they considered that it was his way of saying, "I love you and I wanted to make your life easier. At least for today anyway".

When I read yet another DIS thread about how someone's marriage is falling apart, he's cheating on her, he ignores her, blah blah blah, and everyone else telling that poster to "lawyer up", it's threads like this that point out what started the marriage going downhill in the first place.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I am very thankful my DH sees me as more than a maid and housekeeper. Too bad yours doesn't.

I find your attitude about "women's work" and SAHP backwards and out-dated. But I'm not going to get into it, as you won't change my mind and I won't change yours.

Really? My husband sees me as only a maid and housekeeper? Okee dokee then. Wonder if I can get back pay for that? I'll go ask.

You're absolutely right about neither of us changing the other's mind, though. Which is cool. I'm very happy with our arrangement and our marriage. We don't have 1/4 of the problems I read about here on the DIS. We must be doing something right.

 

[SaraJayne]

I think this is where our experiences differ. I don't have time to rush home from work, shower, and be barefoot with a cocktail in hand when he gets in the door. Heck, half the time he gets home before I do.

(pauses for mental picture of DH freshly showered, barefoot and waiting at the door for me with a martini. Hmm...)

Maybe women wouldn't be so exasperated with their husbands who want a gold star for doing a household chore if they instead stopped and realized how they would feel if they considered that it was his way of saying, "I love you and I wanted to make your life easier. At least for today anyway".

When I read yet another DIS thread about how someone's marriage is falling apart, he's cheating on her, he ignores her, blah blah blah, and everyone else telling that poster to "lawyer up", it's threads like this that point out what started the marriage going downhill in the first place.

OP, you are headed for divorce court!! Just FYI, since you didn't give your DH a gold star like he deserves!!!!



Are you for real?

 

[Mermaid02]

I think a thank you should suffice.

"Thanks for the help honey, I really appreciate it." done.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I think a thank you should suffice.

"Thanks for the help honey, I really appreciate it." done.

Exactly.

OP, you are headed for divorce court!! Just FYI, since you didn't give your DH a gold star like he deserves!!!!



Are you for real?

First I'm a maid, now I'm headed for divorce court. Sorry, but banging the death knoll for my marriage doesn't actually work, SaraJayne. If it did, then I'd like as many people as possible to accuse me of winning the lottery this week. We could sure use the money.

Asking me if I'm for real, though....that sounds a bit like a personal attack. I'm merely sharing my experiences with what works in our marriage. To ridicule that and be insulting about it tells people more about you than it tells others about me.

Kindly stop attacking me.

 

[ilovemk76]

I am so glad that my DH and I don't have woman's and man's work but just work that need to be done. Some days I mow the lawn and he cleans the bathroom. Other days he mows the lawn and I do laundry. We both feel that if either of us in not working than all the home stuff if ours both inside and out during the week but both of our work on the weekend.

If I am not working and I have time on my hands then why would I wait for DH to get home to mow the lawn when I can do it and then we both have free time to spend together?

 

[bballmom56]

My husband does the cooking and the laundry. He never asks for thanks. Who the heck are you guys married to? This is 2011 for heaven's sake. WTH? Some of you REALLY think he deserves praise???? Is this some sort of cult, Stepford mindset? Do these same men expect to be met by their wives, freshly showered, barefood with a coctail in hand when they walk through the door at night? This is a crazy thread!! I am very grateful for my evolved spouse, very, very grateful. I WILL thank him for THAT but believe me, he doesn't expect it.

I work, he works. I do laundry, dishes (most of the time, but sometimes he surprises me and does them for me), cleaning. He cooks most of the time, takes care of the house structure (the myriad of things that go wrong or need fixing), takes care of the outside (lawn, trees, snowplowing, shoveling, building maintenance).

l appreciate what he does and he appreciates what I do and we tell each other that. Nothing wrong with some praise at home when the rest of the world seems to be criticizing you.

He has no desire to do laundry, I have no desire to change the oil, mow the lawn, snowplow. If I did undertake that, it would be really nice to hear "Honey, that was great. Thanks, you did a great job!" It's not rocket science to him, but certainly out of my comfort zone.

I just don't see the problem with expressing appreciation to a spouse.

And as to "Who the heck are you guys married to?" I consider myself married to the best guy in the world.

 

[myheartlivesatwdw]

Baloney, treat him bad and hope he slinks away. You can hire someone to come in and do your housework. Find an enlightened man who will want to be your partner.

 

[Mermaid02]

My husband thanks me when I bring the trash cans up from the side of the road.... It's generally "his job" (like the dishwasher unload is mine) putting out the trash and bringing the cans up so many days I dont' even think about it- but when I do bring them up he says thanks.

 

[srferson]

I am very grateful for my evolved spouse, very, very grateful.

I guess I'm a lucky one too. Thank goodness.

Furthermore, you're a stay-at-home wife/mother aren't you? Isn't cleaning the house your job in the first place? Does he get praise every day for going to work and bringing in a paycheck that allows you to stay in that 2,000 sq ft home? Isn't cleaning that 2,000 sq ft house your responsibility in the marriage since you're not doing anything else to support the upkeep of that domicile?

Perhaps if both the man and woman were working, I could maybe see getting on his case about not doing any chores. Maybe.

I can only agree to a small part of this. My opinion would be that if a woman (or a man) is a stay at home spouse, then taking care of the household responsibilities could logically be considered her job.

Add kids to the mix though and I don't think I'd see it that way anymore. Raising a family/taking care of a house is a 24/7 job. It can't be completed in the eight hours that the spouse is at work. Therefore, when the spouse is home, it's reasonable to expect some help without having to throw a party.

If both spouses worked full time, then getting on his case for not doing any chores is not a maybe for me. If they both work, they should also both take care of the house.

Saying (and meaning) thank you, is one thing. Putting together a parade in his honor? No way would I do it.

 

[Mermaid02]

The OP did thank her husband- he seems to want a little more praise than that.

 

[Carly_Roach]

If I am not working and I have time on my hands then why would I wait for DH to get home to mow the lawn when I can do it and then we both have free time to spend together?

Agreed. That's the 1st priority in our marriage as well: time spent together.

I don't know. Maybe it's different when you have kids. We don't and we're too old to start now. All I know is that I have someone I want to grow old with and I appreciate him. Even when he does boneheaded things , I still love him. If he wants a gold star for doing the laundry (which he hasn't indicated a desire for yet), I'll be happy to put a gold star on his forehead.

Because he's a goof and I love him.

 

[Carly_Roach]

The OP did thank her husband- he seems to want a little more praise than that.

I'm not sure I got the same message, Mermaid. I suspect her "thank you for your help" isn't quite the same "Thank you, darling" that we're thinking of. Here's the OP:

My husband would like an award for loading and turning on the dishwasher. I am trying not to punch him. Please keep in mind I do this task every single day of my life. He said I don't seem to appreciate his help. I do appreciate that he did it, and I did thank him as soon as I saw it had been done. What am I supposed to do throw a party?

Alert the presses!!!! The dishes were done, today March 6, 2011.

I saw a lot of snide remarks in the OP and I saw that he said she doesn't seem to appreciate his help, which makes me wonder if the snide remarks happen in real life as they do here on the board.

If she was snarky to her DH, I can't really blame him for being snarky back. Just as I would expect a wife to be snotty back to her DH if he snotted about whatever she was wearing or how she did things. Respect is a two-way street: you got to give it to get it.

 

[N&B'smom]

I guess I'm a lucky one too. Thank goodness.



I can only agree to a small part of this. My opinion would be that if a woman (or a man) is a stay at home spouse, then taking care of the household responsibilities could logically be considered her job.

Add kids to the mix though and I don't think I'd see it that way anymore. Raising a family/taking care of a house is a 24/7 job. It can't be completed in the eight hours that the spouse is at work. Therefore, when the spouse is home, it's reasonable to expect some help without having to throw a party.

If both spouses worked full time, then getting on his case for not doing any chores is not a maybe for me. If they both work, they should also both take care of the house.

Saying (and meaning) thank you, is one thing. Putting together a parade in his honor? No way would I do it.

This is SOOOOOOOOO right on.

I work part time (exact hours our kids are in school) and my hubby owns his own business. Not only do I work but I also am the one to get the kids to music lessons, hockey, golf, dance, softball, baseball, etc. I never have enough time to do all the household stuff myself!

 

[Mermaid02]

I'm not sure I got the same message, Mermaid. I suspect her "thank you for your help" isn't quite the same "Thank you, darling" that we're thinking of. Here's the OP:
I saw a lot of snide remarks in the OP and I saw that he said she doesn't seem to appreciate his help, which makes me wonder if the snide remarks happen in real life as they do here on the board.

If she was snarky to her DH, I can't really blame him for being snarky back. Just as I would expect a wife to be snotty back to her DH if he snotted about whatever she was wearing or how she did things. Respect is a two-way street: you got to give it to get it.

That's not how I read it- but this is a message board and posts are open for interpretation.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I saw a lot of snide remarks in the OP and I saw that he said she doesn't seem to appreciate his help, which makes me wonder if the snide remarks happen in real life as they do here on the board.

If she was snarky to her DH, I can't really blame him for being snarky back. Just as I would expect a wife to be snotty back to her DH if he snotted about whatever she was wearing or how she did things. Respect is a two-way street: you got to give it to get it.

Snide remarks were made to us; I doubt they were made to him. If they were, it wouldn't have been done until after he started acting like he did something extraordinary and was being underappreciated.

First I'm a maid, now I'm headed for divorce court.

No. She said, "OP, you're headed for divorce court." followed by the various moving, laughing smilies. She addressed you in the next line. Go back and reread that post - followed by the same smilies to indicated laughter.

Yes, I'm sure

 

[Carly_Roach]

That's not how I read it- but this is a message board and posts are open for interpretation.

True that!

I will say this: the more I read the DIS, the more I appreciate my DH and am grateful for the fact that we found each other regardless of how late in life we found each other.

I think I'm gonna get off this thread, though. These man-bashing marathons leave me feeling pretty icky. See ya 'round, Mermaid!

 

[Carly_Roach]

Snide remarks were made to us; I doubt they were made to him. If they were, it wouldn't have been done until after he started acting like he did something extraordinary and was being underappreciated.

No. She said, "OP, you're headed for divorce court." followed by the various moving, laughing smilies. She addressed you in the next line. Go back and reread that post - followed by the same smilies to indicated laughter.

Yes, I'm sure

Kaytie, she quoted my post and then was sarcastic about putting words in my mouth about how I implied that the OP was headed for divorce court(?!?!). While I may have been mistaken about whom she said was headed for divorce court, I wasn't mistaken about the personal attack asking me if I was for real.

Now, if y'all will excuse me...