At what age is it no longer appropriate for kids to be pantless when company is over?

[Distinkt]

I got a different impression from the original post. I sort of felt that there might be more of a power struggle in the family, due to the fact that the poster mentioned that grandmom has sold an interest in the house to the brother and sister-in-law. I seems to me that maybe the poster feels that she has some implied influence in what happens there because is was a childhood home. It's not polite of a guest, and she is one, to demand anything of a child without the parents input. So I would say that she feels a bit entitled and in the big picture is way more "at fault" than the family members criticized. All of this is making a mountain out of a molehill, but the attitude of the original poster would have annoyed me. Even her discussion of who will agree to babysit the kids was a patronizing and offputting.

 

[tinkerdorabelle]

And discipling a relative's kids is different than doing this type of thing, what a kid wears or in this case not in their own home is more about disciplining the parent and that is bad manners at the very least, not cool and really none of your business.

 

[CarolAnn856]

It's a 2 way street, we have disciplined each other's kids and have for years. If she wants the privilege of disciplining mine, which she has done for years, even before she had hers then it works in reverse too. If she decides that is no longer the case...

That you have brought this up more than once is telling. It sounds like you resented her input on your parenting, so you are retaliating. Maybe she did ovetstep before but now realizes how annoying it is. But you're going to do the same now even though you didn't like it?

This reminds me of something I read not long ago. I'll link the article if I can find it. But it was about empathy. Some people feel that if they had to deal with something negative, than others should just deal with it, too. "I got bullied in school and just dealt with it. Why do teachers do all those anti-bullying lessons nowadays?" Others have empathy and want to help people avoid the discomforts they experienced.

 

[DeniseJH]

That you have brought this up more than once is telling. It sounds like you resented her input on your parenting, so you are retaliating. Maybe she did ovetstep before but now realizes how annoying it is. But you're going to do the same now even though you didn't like it?

I see this differently. I think she has brought this up more than once in answer to others who keep repeating that she was wrong for saying anything to her sister's child. They are certainly entitled to their opinion, but that doesn't seem to be how it works between the OP and her sister.

 

[BLAZEY]

That you have brought this up more than once is telling. It sounds like you resented her input on your parenting, so you are retaliating. Maybe she did ovetstep before but now realizes how annoying it is. But you're going to do the same now even though you didn't like it?

This reminds me of something I read not long ago. I'll link the article if I can find it. But it was about empathy. Some people feel that if they had to deal with something negative, than others should just deal with it, too. "I got bullied in school and just dealt with it. Why do teachers do all those anti-bullying lessons nowadays?" Others have empathy and want to help people avoid the discomforts they experienced.

No, I had no issues with her asking my DD to wash her hands before dinner, because she should.

You know what would have made a bigger incident is if we up and left the dinner table. My mother would have been horrified that we took that drastic action. And she wouldn't have been mad at us. She would have been embarrassed that invited guests didn't feel welcome at her table (it was DMUM's table, not sisters). I know because we all (DMum, Aunt , DH and myself) talked about it when Dsis and DBil took the kids to bed after dinner. Apparently he doesn't wear undies at breakfast. (Before the building of the suite for mum they all lived in the one house and DMum was disgusted by that too) But that's not my business, I don't eat at THAT table thank GOD. DMUM does tell him to go get dressed before she will serve breakfast before he comes over to her suite. When food is served at the table having bottoms over underpants on and washed hands basic human decency, not to mention table manners. But you all have me convinced next time he shows up at doe dinner without bottoms on, rather than saying " Hey Buddy time to put pants on, dinner's almost ready" We'll all just get up from the table and leave. That will go over well.

 

[BLAZEY]

I see this differently. I think she has brought this up more than once in answer to others who keep repeating that she was wrong for saying anything to her sister's child. They are certainly entitled to their opinion, but that doesn't seem to be how it works between the OP and her sister.

Yes more of village taking care of the kids thing, not different than "Hey we're getting ready to go , get your coat and shoes on" or "Go wash your hands before sitting down at the table" except insert "put on pants/shorts/skirt" instead of wash hands.

 

[aprilgail]

Our pools that have food service all have signs stating you must be fully dressed to buy food. Only time I have not seen the sign is at the ice cream that randomly sometimes shows up at the lake. But that's take away food, not at a dinner table.

Can't imagine where you live because here plenty of people eat at restaurants at the pool and beach in bathing suits wearing much less than a little boys underwear would cover.
If it bothers you so much that you just can't possibly eat at a table with a little boy wearing underwear (though why that is a big deal is still beyond me) perhaps it would be better if they didn't invite you over there to their home or just met you out someplace where he would have to wear shorts to.

 

[ashley0139]

No, I had no issues with her asking my DD to wash her hands before dinner, because she should.

You know what would have made a bigger incident is if we up and left the dinner table. My mother would have been horrified that we took that drastic action. And she wouldn't have been mad at us. She would have been embarrassed that invited guests didn't feel welcome at her table (it was DMUM's table, not sisters). I know because we all (DMum, Aunt , DH and myself) talked about it when Dsis and DBil took the kids to bed after dinner. Apparently he doesn't wear undies at breakfast. (Before the building of the suite for mum they all lived in the one house and DMum was disgusted by that too) But that's not my business, I don't eat at THAT table thank GOD. DMUM does tell him to go get dressed before she will serve breakfast before he comes over to her suite. When food is served at the table having bottoms over underpants on and washed hands basic human decency, not to mention table manners. But you all have me convinced next time he shows up at doe dinner without bottoms on, rather than saying " Hey Buddy time to put pants on, dinner's almost ready" We'll all just get up from the table and leave. That will go over well.

That is quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I've ever read on this website. Your whole family is going to get up and leave over a child not wearing pants? Talk about an overreaction.

You've made this whole thing into a much bigger deal than it needed to be. It's your "right" to eat dinner with a kid wearing pants? Come on.

 

[Summer2018]

I can’t believe that this is still going on.

 

[kashzan]

I have been following this post from the beginnng.
A 5 year old child not wearing pants is really not a big deal. Undies are fine, he's 5 not 50.
Quite frankly I think the OP needs to really try to find the underlying reason why a child in underwear is so uncomfortable for her.
I don't buy the "good manners " reasoning.
Makes no sense to me.

 

[DaddysPrincess]

We'll all just get up from the table and leave. That will go over well.

how is this helpful at all? All this does is show you're willing to use a child to spite someone. Smh
Be the bigger person and ignore it.

 

[mummabear]

No, I had no issues with her asking my DD to wash her hands before dinner, because she should.

You know what would have made a bigger incident is if we up and left the dinner table. My mother would have been horrified that we took that drastic action. And she wouldn't have been mad at us. She would have been embarrassed that invited guests didn't feel welcome at her table (it was DMUM's table, not sisters). I know because we all (DMum, Aunt , DH and myself) talked about it when Dsis and DBil took the kids to bed after dinner. Apparently he doesn't wear undies at breakfast. (Before the building of the suite for mum they all lived in the one house and DMum was disgusted by that too) But that's not my business, I don't eat at THAT table thank GOD. DMUM does tell him to go get dressed before she will serve breakfast before he comes over to her suite. When food is served at the table having bottoms over underpants on and washed hands basic human decency, not to mention table manners. But you all have me convinced next time he shows up at doe dinner without bottoms on, rather than saying " Hey Buddy time to put pants on, dinner's almost ready" We'll all just get up from the table and leave. That will go over well.

Cool cool cool
So not only did you attempt to overrule her parenting, get between her and her husband in front of her kid, but you talked about her behind her back too.
What a great sister.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I wasn't going to respond much more on the actual original topic but OP more info keeps coming in.

My mother would have been horrified that we took that drastic action. And she wouldn't have been mad at us.

When you phrase it this way along with your previous talks it still comes off like you care about member's of your family being on your side. It's like 'how can we make this an everyone else vs my sister' fest.

it was DMUM's table, not sisters)

So? This comes off territorial.

But that's not my business,

With all due respect you could have fooled me and this next statement below you made sounds like you'd have no problem making things your business and your other relatives making it it their business what your sister does with her child.

I know because we all (DMum, Aunt , DH and myself) talked about it when Dsis and DBil took the kids to bed after dinner.

We'll all just get up from the table and leave. That will go over well.

Ok I'm totally down with that. There are some things you just need to stand your ground on and if this is truly what you want to stand your ground on so be it. Doesn't mean I think it's worth that but like I said in my original comment there's more to the story going on and methinks this is far more than just the 5year old not wearing pants to a dinner.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Yes more of village taking care of the kids thing, not different than "Hey we're getting ready to go , get your coat and shoes on" or "Go wash your hands before sitting down at the table" except insert "put on pants/shorts/skirt" instead of wash hands.

In a situation where I’m the adult in charge then yes, I will enforce the rules equally to all of the children in my care. Everybody gather your belongings so we can leave, everybody needs to come wash their hands before lunch, etc. But once other parents are present it’s no longer my place to tell their kids what to do. If I was taking my son to the sink to wash his hands I would ask “Does anyone else need to wash their hands before we eat?” in an effort to be helpful to the group, but I wouldn’t insist that the other kids must wash their hands before eating. That’s up to their parents to decide and enforce.

I have only ever intervened with someone else’s child when the parent was nearby once, and that was when I walked through my friend’s living room and saw his 4 year old playing with the fire in the fireplace. I asked “Are you supposed to be doing that?” and the little liar replied “Dad said it’s okay.” I told him I was going to have to double check that with Dad, then got Dad to go in there and deal with it.

To me, the village mentality means people step in to support children when or in ways their parents cannot — teachers to educate, doctors to provide medical care, coaches, counselors, babysitters, watchful neighbors keeping an eye out for the wellbeing of the kids riding their bikes up and down the street. It’s about everyone doing their part to make sure kids (and their environments) stay healthy and safe so they can thrive. It’s not about every adult having the authority to impose their own rules on any child within earshot. After all, in villages (and society in general), very few people actually get to make or enforce the rules. Most of us just have to follow them. Parents are the chiefs in their own family villages and should be respected as such.

 

[BLAZEY]

Can't imagine where you live because here plenty of people eat at restaurants at the pool and beach in bathing suits wearing much less than a little boys underwear would cover.
If it bothers you so much that you just can't possibly eat at a table with a little boy wearing underwear (though why that is a big deal is still beyond me) perhaps it would be better if they didn't invite you over there to their home or just met you out someplace where he would have to wear shorts to.

No outdoor pools here. No food service poolside, but you must exit the pool through the change rooms. No food allowed on deck. Located in the part of the recreation centre where full clothing is expected.

Cool cool cool
So not only did you attempt to overrule her parenting, get between her and her husband in front of her kid, but you talked about her behind her back too.
What a great sister.

Nope, joined and already existing conversation between DMum and Aunt discussing it.

 

[North of Mouse]

Background: My mother hosted Sunday dinner last night. We ate outside, Mum now lives in a "Grannie Suite" attached to the main house my sister and I grew up in. DSIS and DBIL have bought 1/2 the house from DMUM. Attendees were DMUM, myself, DH, DD9, DAunt, DSIS, DBIL, DNephew5, DNiece3. We were carrying food out to the table and DH notices DNephew had a shirt, and sweatshirt on but no pants or shorts (he was wearing undies) DH asks him to go put shorts on as dinner will be ready soon. He says No, I don't have to. I reply "Your uncle has asked that you go put some shorts or pants on for dinner please go do it." This time DBIL overheard us saying the he needed to put pants on. DBIL agreed and told his son to put pants or shorts on for dinner. He goes upstairs. Comes down 5 minute later, no pants/shorts one. I tell him again, my DSIS is here now and says "he doesn't need to." My reply is DBIL told DNephew to put pants/shorts on." DSIS was a little huffy and said OK. DBIL backed me up and said if they "were at someone else's house he would have to have bottoms on. DSIS said "We're at home." DBIL replied "And there is company over. He is 5 and entering kindergarten in 3 weeks. He needs to learn new things as he's growing up." DSIS is still a bit upset that we (myself,DH, DMUM, DBIL) think that it's not appropriate for DNephew to be pantless at the table.

For the record I don't care what the rules are when it's just the 4 of them, but when company is over, the rules change. DD9 hasn't be less than fully clothed at the table since she was potty fully trained. DNeice 3 was fully clothed.

EDITED: DBIL (The child's father) has at previous occasions told said child to put pants on. EVERYONE else was in dressier clothes (button up shirts, khakis, or dresses)

UPDATE on page 8.

I'm with you - just good manners to teach your children!!

And no, ds & I have no problems helping each others nieces and nephews remember their manners - whoever is closer when something needs addressing.

 

[BLAZEY]

Exactly. Can you imagine said child touching the serving utensils after scratching or adjusting. Would you want to share at table with that? At least with pants/shorts it's got an extra layer.

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

@BLAZEY
Just wondering, but is the yard where you were eating open to the view of the neighbors or does it have a tall privacy fence?

 

[Mermaid02]

I think everyone at the table should be dressed. Is that weird?

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

I think everyone at the table should be dressed. Is that weird?

It's only weird if you expect the rest of the world to conform to your way of thinking.