At what age do you stop taking your adult child on vacation?

[Paradise18]

The OPs son is planning a spring break trip to Puerto Rico with friends. Is he feeling guilty that he will be taking a trip that his parents and younger siblings won't be taking? As we get older and responsibilities increase, our priorities and obligations have to adjust. At 19/20, I feel I was mature enough to understand that I couldn't always have my cake and eat it too. I would have felt terrible to find out that my parents and younger sibling didn't take a trip because it wasn't convenient for me to go due to school/work, but that was when they could go. Not everyone can take time off work when it suits everyone in the family. I would especially feel bad they didn't take a trip knowing that I had a trip planned with friends when I was at an age/maturity level to start travelling independent of my parents. It wouldn't cross my mind that I get to go on two trips or they go on none.

 

[mjkacmom]

I agree with Colleen, especially the bolded. It is much easier to say "I'll never vacation without my kid" when you only have one.

Though the attitude that our travel must stop because one of us can't come along is interesting.

Can't agree more. We've already had to leave ds16 home from a long weekend trip because of soccer. In a few years, I'll have kids in high school, college, and out in the workforce. It will be close to impossible to schedule a vacation for all of s, with so many conflicting schedules! Kids grow up, and begin their own lives. If they can come along on a vacation, great, the more the merrier. But I'm not bending over backwards to make it happen.

Honestly, I think dd18 and ds16 would prefer the house to themselves anyway.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree with Colleen, especially the bolded. It is much easier to say "I'll never vacation without my kid" when you only have one.

We only have one...
And, I still would never say that!
Can't wait to be able to vacation more, just the two of us.

DS won't be an 'adult' when we travel for a week to Hawaii!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I cannot imagine, as self sufficient adults, being comfortable with allowing my in laws or parents to finance a family vacation for us on a regular basis (I don't think it is wrong if other families operate differently; I am just surprised that so many do and several posters seem to see it as wrong to leave an independent adult child out of your calculations for such things).

I agree!

In this particular case, though... I just wonder if there are some of these posters, like me, who are coming from the view-point that a non-self-sufficient teenager is considered to be an 'independent adult'.

There is a middle ground here!!!
It can a positive to plan some more all-inclusive extended family vacations.
It can be a positive for adults to have vacations, just the two of them.
And, it can be positive to have vacations where, for example, younger children are included, but older, adult, family members who are more self-sufficient and have busy schedules are simply excluded.

To answer the original poster's question, about their current situation...
I would see any lack of effort to include the older kid, when everyone else is included, as a mistake. In this one case, I think it should be looked at more as a 'family' type thing, where all siblings are included, if at all possible.

Reading the original post, I am getting a pretty strong, 'family vacation, with everyone included, but ONE', vibe. IMHO, that would always be a mistake.

 

[maleficent32]

I will continue to take my kids on family vacations until they are fully supporting themselves. After that, it will be their choice to come along at their own expense.

 

[Mouseketeers4]

I can't imagine missing a week of high school, much less college. I wouldn't even give my college age child the option of being gone that long. I would have him fly down separately on Thursday or Friday, depending on his class schedule, and do Universal with him. Then have him fly back on his own so he can get back to school. If he needs to be there for the whole thing, then you'll have to reschedule. Are the Christmas decorations still up the first week of January? Most colleges are off for much of that month.

My brother is 10 years younger than me, and my parents took him on several vacations without me and my sister. I don't recall feeling at all upset, left out, that things were unfair, etc. I think it would be more unfair to limit a younger, dependent child because of older siblings. Especially when the older ones can, and do, take vacations on their own. Kids in college or beyond should be adult enough to understand this situation. If not, then it's about time they learned that life isn't fair. I also think there's a big difference in having to occasionally exclude a child and telling your kid that they are no longer welcome on family vacations because they're over 18. The former isn't going to result in lifelong grudges and withholding of grandchildren.

 

[goofyintoronto]

That's how I see us doing things too. My kids are 17, 13, and 6. I'm not going to limit traveling with the 6yo once the 17 & 13yos start college and can't easily get away. To me, fairness isn't "if one kid goes, we all go"; fairness is that all three kids got plenty of opportunity to travel with us from birth to leaving for college, on trips planned around their schedules as well as ours, and are welcome to join us as young adults if they can get away.

But in the OP's case, the oldest expressed interest in going on the trip, and asked about it. Clearly he wants to go. In this case, if the whole family is going, why would you purposely exclude the oldest even after he expressed interest? That would be heartbreaking to me. The OP thinks its easier if he doesnt come, because they want to save some money. I understand vacations arent cheap, but i'd try to make it work.

As another poster said, i'd continue to take my kids until they have fulltime jobs and can support themselves. But while theyre in school, yep, i'll be glad to take them and pay for it. Cause i figure, how much longer will you have that opportunity to have family trips with EVERYONE there?

 

[mjkacmom]

But in the OP's case, the oldest expressed interest in going on the trip, and asked about it. Clearly he wants to go. In this case, if the whole family is going, why would you purposely exclude the oldest even after he expressed interest? That would be heartbreaking to me. The OP thinks its easier if he doesnt come, because they want to save some money. I understand vacations arent cheap, but i'd try to make it work.

As another poster said, i'd continue to take my kids until they have fulltime jobs and can support themselves. But while theyre in school, yep, i'll be glad to take them and pay for it. Cause i figure, how much longer with you have that opportunity to have family trips with EVERYONE there?

But he is in college, and the timing of the trip is when he should be studying for finals, not missing 1 1/2 weeks of school to go to WDW. There is a very good chance that he will fail his classes! I think the OP was trying to look at the positives of not having him come, and probably the only good thing about him not going on the trip is the fact that there will be money saved.

 

[goofyintoronto]

But he is in college, and the timing of the trip is when he should be studying for finals, not missing 1 1/2 weeks of school to go to WDW. There is a very good chance that he will fail his classes! I think the OP was trying to look at the positives of not having him come, and probably the only good thing about him not going on the trip is the fact that there will be money saved.

Well if there's exams around that time, then that changes things. School comes first, always.

 

[Happy Snowman]

I guess this just isn't something we even thought to make a "rule" about. We will vacation with and without our kids just like we have in the past. Who pays will depend on finances all around but if we plan a "family trip" that would include all of our family and likely we would pay for all of it. If we plan a trip and others want to join us, they would probably pay. I think the in the OP's situation her son will find that he just can't take that kind of time off of school to go with, but then again, a lot of colleges are done with classes early enough in Dec that you could still go to Disney at a non-busy time and include everyone.

 

[robinb]

Though the attitude that our travel must stop because one of us can't come along is interesting.

I don't think that travel needs to stop, I just think that as long as the older teen/college age child wants to vacation with his/her family their schedule should be taken into account when planning family vacations. The OP planned a trip that would require her college age child to take 7-days off of school ... which is a complete non-starter. The DS-19's was so obviously not even considered when the trip was planned or another time would have been chosen. Instead, the original plan for for rest of the family will be able to enjoy the Christmas decorations without him.

It now appears that the OP will bring the college age son for a long weekend so he can be with the family for at least part of the vacation. That's a reasonable change, IMO.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I guess this just isn't something we even thought to make a "rule" about. We will vacation with and without our kids just like we have in the past. Who pays will depend on finances all around but if we plan a "family trip" that would include all of our family and likely we would pay for all of it. If we plan a trip and others want to join us, they would probably pay. I think the in the OP's situation her son will find that he just can't take that kind of time off of school to go with, but then again, a lot of colleges are done with classes early enough in Dec that you could still go to Disney at a non-busy time and include everyone.

Thats my point exactly. If its a family trip, you include the whole family. Even the son in college. Of course if there's exams and he cant, he cant. But if it can work out, i'd include him.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I don't think that travel needs to stop, I just think that as long as the older teen/college age child wants to vacation with his/her family their schedule should be taken into account when planning family vacations. The OP planned a trip that would require her college age child to take 7-days off of school ... which is a complete non-starter. The DS-19's was so obviously not even considered when the trip was planned or another time would have been chosen. Instead, the original plan for for rest of the family will be able to enjoy the Christmas decorations without him.

It now appears that the OP will bring the college age son for a long weekend so he can be with the family for at least part of the vacation. That's a reasonable change, IMO.

Yes I agree with the first part! I'd work around the college-DS schedule too.

I mustve missed the updated post from the OP, thats actually a very nice compromise to have him join for the long weekend. Its a win for everyone!

 

[Liz]

We went to Florida (Jacksonville and WDW) last November and took our son and his wife. They were married just last March and are poor newlyweds still in college. It was my idea to propose the trip to them and said it will be your Christmas present. I knew if we didn't do it that way there was no way they could afford to come. My mom lives in Jacksonville and I wanted her to meet her new granddaughter-in-law so it worked out well for everybody.

 

[vrajewski10513]

I'm sure every parent would love to be able to bring their adult children on vacation all expenses paid for them. But thats not always feasible. My parents are not well off, and I would almost feel bad going on a vacation and having them pay for everything when my husband and I have well paying full time jobs and are fully capable of contributing.

Just a different perspective. Its not always about what you want to do, but what you CAN do.

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

I will continue to take my kids on family vacations until they are fully supporting themselves. After that, it will be their choice to come along at their own expense.

Is there a time limit on them fully supporting themselves? What if a child decided to become a life long student? Or who doesn't have much motivation? Or finds a job, but makes some poor life choices and it ends up not being enough to support themselves on and travel (even if they have a family themselves). I'm not trying to single you out, but these are thoughts floating around my head. I know some families where one sibling moved out, got married & has been self supporting their entire adult life, where another sibling hasn't made great life choices, has gotten themselves into some financial binds and can't afford the same things as sibling A. Even going as far as moving back in with the parent - and has had very few years where they could be considered self supporting. Does one get to go on a paid vacation with the family and the other have to pay their own way?

Like I said earlier, I don't know what we'll do as our kids get older, but this has definitely been an enlightening discussion.

 

[vrajewski10513]

Is there a time limit on them fully supporting themselves? What if a child decided to become a life long student? Or who doesn't have much motivation? Or finds a job, but makes some poor life choices and it ends up not being enough to support themselves on and travel (even if they have a family themselves). I'm not trying to single you out, but these are thoughts floating around my head. I know some families where one sibling moved out, got married & has been self supporting their entire adult life, where another sibling hasn't made great life choices, has gotten themselves into some financial binds and can't afford the same things as sibling A. Even going as far as moving back in with the parent - and has had very few years where they could be considered self supporting. Does one get to go on a paid vacation with the family and the other have to pay their own way?

Like I said earlier, I don't know what we'll do as our kids get older, but this has definitely been an enlightening discussion.

If both children are grown with families, I think its either you pay for both or neither. Its the second siblings life choices (I'm assuming poor judgment and not catastrophic accident) that put them in the position they're now in. If the parents want to help it seems like theres more important things than going on vacation for sibling B.

 

[Colleen27]

But in the OP's case, the oldest expressed interest in going on the trip, and asked about it. Clearly he wants to go. In this case, if the whole family is going, why would you purposely exclude the oldest even after he expressed interest? That would be heartbreaking to me.

Because sometimes that's just the way of it when schedules conflict. My DH works long hours during the summer and is off most of the winter. It is very likely we'll be in the OP's shoes eventually, only being able to get away from our responsibilities at a time when our college-aged children can't/shouldn't get away from theirs. And I'm not saying there isn't a sadness to it. I just think it is more or less unavoidable that there will be that first trip, sometime during the college years or shortly thereafter, that a young-adult child would like to go on but can't because of the responsibilities of being a young adult.

Knowing my kids I don't expect there will ever be a time when they say "You know what Mom, I'd really rather not go on that cruise/to that island/visit that theme park. Go on without me." It just isn't the way they are, not even the 17yo who is at an age where a lot of kids lose interest in traveling with family. But I do assume there will come a time when it is simply impossible to plan each and every trip they'd enjoy being a part of at times that work for everyone. If there's an option to have it both ways, like the suggestion that has been made to have the college-aged son join the family for part of the trip, that's great. But that won't always be the case and the whole family shouldn't feel compelled to sit home waiting for the brief moments when everyone's school and work schedules align to travel together.

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

If both children are grown with families, I think its either you pay for both or neither. Its the second siblings life choices (I'm assuming poor judgment and not catastrophic accident) that put them in the position they're now in. If the parents want to help it seems like theres more important things than going on vacation for sibling B.

Yes, poor judgment.

In this situation, both siblings are grown with their own families. And I agree, if parents are going to help, sibling B needs it in more important areas. So does that mean that parents should never take sibling A on vacation since they don't need help elsewhere, unless sibling B is in a position to go? (this is all assuming parents want to help in this manner). What if one of your children (and family) is easier to travel with (schedule, location desire, personalities)? Fair doesn't always mean equal, right?

This entire subject isn't something I had ever given much thought to, but I can see we will have a time where my 4 kids are in different life stages.

 

[vrajewski10513]

Yes, poor judgment.

In this situation, both siblings are grown with their own families. And I agree, if parents are going to help, sibling B needs it in more important areas. So does that mean that parents should never take sibling A on vacation since they don't need help elsewhere, unless sibling B is in a position to go? (this is all assuming parents want to help in this manner). What if one of your children (and family) is easier to travel with (schedule, location desire, personalities)? Fair doesn't always mean equal, right?

This entire subject isn't something I had ever given much thought to, but I can see we will have a time where my 4 kids are in different life stages.

I dont have kids, so its hard for me to say what I think is the right way to do things yet lol But from what I've learned from my parents growing up is the "separate but equal" mentality. So if one sibling has to miss out on something, its made up to them with something else at a later date. IF they deserve it, if someone is left out due to their behavior then that is their own problem.

I think that in your scenario if sibling B is helped out in aspects outside of going on vacation, thats its completely reasonable to treat sibling A to a vacation without sibling B. Just because sibling A doesnt NEED to be treated, I think its a nice gesture if you can do it.