At a loss on what to tell DD about her basketball coach - Update posts #59 & #75

[MELSMICE]

Maybe you can get the AD to somehow listen in on a practice?

And how do the other parents feel about this coach, would they be willing to back you up?

agnes!

Yes, we've spoken with the other parents & they all feel the same way. Everyone is tentative about doing anything though for fear of the coach taking it out on their DD.

I do believe we would have support of other parents though & could get a unified group together, as others have mentioned going to the AD at the end of this season.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Maybe you can get the AD to somehow listen in on a practice?

And how do the other parents feel about this coach, would they be willing to back you up?

agnes!

Oh, I really like that idea. Agnes, I like how you think! Make sure you are there too, OP so the two of you hear it.

 

[mjkacmom]

I agree that the coach is a jerk, and something needs to be done. However, these girls are seniors in HS, almost legal adults, and will be off on their own in college in less than a year. How about motivating them to go to the AD on their own? This is the first of many adult bullies they will face in adulthood (horrible professor, bad boss, nasty PTO president). I think the AD will listen more to a group of unhappy students than unhappy parents.

 

[declansdad]

I agree that the coach is a jerk, and something needs to be done. However, these girls are seniors in HS, almost legal adults, and will be off on their own in college in less than a year. How about motivating them to go to the AD on their own? This is the first of many adult bullies they will face in adulthood (horrible professor, bad boss, nasty PTO president). I think the AD will listen more to a group of unhappy students than unhappy parents.

I don't completely agree. I think the girls should be involved but there is shared responsibility here. I think the AD would take the group more seriously if the parents were involved.

 

[MELSMICE]

I don't completely agree. I think the girls should be involved but there is shared responsibility here. I think the AD would take the group more seriously if the parents were involved.

I agree with this.

In fact, the other day DD came home & said that one of the captains told the girls she was thinking about talking to the coach. DD & a few others told the girl "We've got your back".

DH & I told her that they're old enough to decide what they believe is best, however, we feel that they should do it with parental support. From past experience, this coach does not respect these girls. She doesn't respect their opinions & does not respect them as young adults. She just bullies them. We told her that we're there to stand behind them. They decided to go to the assistant coach & see if anything happens.

Honestly, like I said, from past experience, I believe this will backfire on the girls & the coach will take be angry & upset because the girls are "complaining". It's like a vicious cycle with this woman.

There is a game tomorrow night & I will get more opinions from the other parents about approaching the AD.

 

[wilderness01]

How about standing outside the gym again and conveniently having your cellphone tape part of the practice. Afterall, you can't help it if it accidently went on.

I think a "picture" is worth a thousand words, or in your case a tape recorded account of how things really are. Just a thought. Good luck, I hate bullies, no matter what the age is.

 

[MELSMICE]

Well, DH spoke with the AD this afternoon. He said they had a very good conversation.

DH said he did not belittle the coach. He did not point fingers & didn't even give specifics right now. He told the AD that he just wanted to make him aware of the situation. He said he had thought about waiting until the end of the season, but then thought that the AD should be made aware of this so he could stop in at practice, games, etc. & oversee things more closely.

He told the AD that he is not trying to get the coach fired & that we were some of her biggest supporters when she applied for the position, as she was a great freshman coach. He told him that he knows that the coach knows basketball & is passionate about it, but there seems to be an emotional immaturity when dealing with the girls.

He said that the AD thanked him for bringing this to his attention & that he was going to monitor the situation. He told DH that younger coaches sometimes get caught up in winning & losing & sometimes lose sight of more important issues.

DH told him it was a difficult phone call for him to make as he is not a complainer, has been around sports & dealt with coaches his entire life. He said he can understand some of her tactics, but he's also learned that for every negative pointed out there should be 3 positives to follow. The AD agreed with him.

They were on the phone for about 15-20 minutes. The AD asked DH to introduce himself at the next game (tomorrow) & that he would like to continue the conversation with specifics at some point.

DH said that he didn't enjoy the conversation & feels bad that he had to make the phone call, but also feels better knowing that he brought this to the AD's attention. Is was not a bash fest on the coach. He did not say that she was doing a lousy job or anything, but wanted to let the AD know the "tone" of the team members & how much they really dislike playing for her.

So that's where we stand!

 

[OceanAnnie]

Well, DH spoke with the AD this afternoon. He said they had a very good conversation.

DH said he did not belittle the coach. He did not point fingers & didn't even give specifics right now. He told the AD that he just wanted to make him aware of the situation. He said he had thought about waiting until the end of the season, but then thought that the AD should be made aware of this so he could stop in at practice, games, etc. & oversee things more closely.

He told the AD that he is not trying to get the coach fired & that we were some of her biggest supporters when she applied for the position, as she was a great freshman coach. He told him that he knows that the coach knows basketball & is passionate about it, but there seems to be an emotional immaturity when dealing with the girls.

He said that the AD thanked him for bringing this to his attention & that he was going to monitor the situation. He told DH that younger coaches sometimes get caught up in winning & losing & sometimes lose sight of more important issues.

DH told him it was a difficult phone call for him to make as he is not a complainer, has been around sports & dealt with coaches his entire life. He said he can understand some of her tactics, but he's also learned that for every negative pointed out there should be 3 positives to follow. The AD agreed with him.

They were on the phone for about 15-20 minutes. The AD asked DH to introduce himself at the next game (tomorrow) & that he would like to continue the conversation with specifics at some point.

DH said that he didn't enjoy the conversation & feels bad that he had to make the phone call, but also feels better knowing that he brought this to the AD's attention. Is was not a bash fest on the coach. He did not say that she was doing a lousy job or anything, but wanted to let the AD know the "tone" of the team members & how much they really dislike playing for her.

So that's where we stand!

I think your DH handled it very well. I hope this will start the ball rolling for positive change.

 

[MELSMICE]

I think your DH handled it very well. I hope this will start the ball rolling for positive change.

Thanks.

Another update:

It looks like the assistant coach did speak to the coach, after the 2 girls talked with her (assistant coach). So practice today was a "discussion day".

DD said that the coach was made aware there were some problems & she wanted the girls to discuss everything amongst themselves while she listened & took notes. Of course, they were apprehensive, but a few of them started discussing things. It turned into a discussion with the coach, however.

DD said the coach listened but continued to interject & defend herself & the things she does. She said there was no yelling, but the coach did say, "I am in charge & we will do things my way." I do get that - she was given the authority.

We asked DD if she felt better after the meeting, worse, or if things will remain the same. She said that she was glad they had the meeting, but the coach was defensive about everything & rebutted everything that was said. She said she thinks it will be better for a while, but then she'll revert to her old ways, which is what happened last year after a "discussion day".

Coach texted DD thanking her for speaking up at the meeting. We told DD the best response would be "Thank you also. I appreciate that you listened to us. I hope it is positive for everyone." Coach texted back to say that she agrees & thinks this team can be great!

I don't know what to think. It's up & down with this woman. We talked about it at dinner & I told DD that I really wonder if the coach does not feel there is anything wrong with the way she behaves. She hears things like she did today & gets confused as to why the girls feel this way & don't want to play for her. It's almost like a personality flaw that she doesn't realize there may be some fault in the things she does even after the girls bring it to her attention.

So, that's the scoop at this point. We'll see..............

 

[minniecarousel]

Bravo to your DH.

Strange turn of events with "discussion day". Now if the AD observes, he will think everything is fine. She sounds like she will revert back to her negative ways.

I do hope things improve for the team.

 

[momx2]

Just getting caught up on this thread. I have to wonder if the AD went straight to the coach after your DH spoke with him and that is the real reason "discussion day" occured. IMO, this was done to merely appease everyone. That coach won't change. Coaches like that never do.

 

[OceanAnnie]

The way I see it, the discussions all pave the way for other options for the AD. That's generally the first step, let the person know there is a problem. I don't think the coach is going to change either. The denials and defensiveness signals she doesn't think she has a problem.

I don't know what the AD will do, but the ball is in his court and he has a responsibility to the students.

 

[declansdad]

Still doesn't seem like the coach gets it to me. She told the players to talk amongst themselves while she listened and took notes. This would have been a good idea if the problem was within the group of players. I think she was told there was a problem and this is her way of trying to make it look as if she is dealing with it but ion the end, as she said, she makes the decisions.

I think you are still in for a tough season.

 

[MELSMICE]

Still doesn't seem like the coach gets it to me. She told the players to talk amongst themselves while she listened and took notes. This would have been a good idea if the problem was within the group of players. I think she was told there was a problem and this is her way of trying to make it look as if she is dealing with it but ion the end, as she said, she makes the decisions.

I think you are still in for a tough season.

Unfortunately, I have to agree, as I've seen this before. There were "discussion days" last year & everything was great for a few games & then she reverted back to her old ways.

There was a game last night & she was much better as far as the way she handled herself with the refs & the girls. DH talked to another father, who said that he actually called the coach & spoke specifically about his daughter. The coach was very defensive of her actions towards the girl. She is definitely not the type of person that can accept any type of criticism, or what seems like criticism to her or her actions.

The AD was in & out of the game last night, but last nights' game was not a good indication of previous actions on her part. Not sure if he mentioned anything to the coach prior to the game, but the coach did tell the girls that she had gotten phone calls from a few parents - we only know of the one parent.

We'll see what happens. The season is half over, which means my DD's high school "career" is almost over. I hope it can end on a good note for her sake, but more than that, I hope that the future is better for the other players that will have to deal with her should she remain the coach.

 

[MELSMICE]

End of year update:

We've come to the end of the year. There will be a playoff game on Tuesday & that will most likely be the end of our season. (we haven't done so well this year!)

Anyway, just to update........another senior quit the team right after my last update. She said she just couldn't handle being belittled by the coach. I, personally, would not have let the coach get the best of me or my daughter. My DD came home many nights very frustrated & we told her not to allow someone else to take something away from her that she loved.

Unfortunately, the mom that ran our concession stand blasted the coach, telling her she was a horrible person, pretty much threw the cash box at her & told her she had supported this program for many years but she was done............done with her as a coach & a person. Honestly, I think this mom was immature & out of line for doing such a thing. She only hurt the girls because that is how the team raises money for their summer league. I also would not embarrass my DD like that & I don't think it sets a good example, but................that's me & I wasn't the one in charge of concessions!

All that aside, DH & I did have a face to face meeting with the AD. It was a positive conversation. He was very forthcoming with his thoughts & we were very straight forward with ours. We told him that since the girls had talked to her we did notice some changes in her behavior at the games & that DD said she was better at most practices. However, we walked away believing that he would speak with the coach but not much would change.

We also spoke with our DD again. We told her that because of what she had told us previously we truly believed the coach was trying to make a change & that if nothing else to try & find at least one thing positive in the coach & walk away with one positive thing each day from practice. I'm not sure if she was just sick of complaining or thought we didn't want to hear it, but every day since then when we ask how practice is she says, "Ok" or "pretty good". She hasn't really complained about anything.

During all of this the coach nominated my DD for a Scholar Athlete Scholarship Award. I personally thanked the coach & she told me as soon as she got the e-mail about it she knew who she was going to nominate. She said it was not hard with a kid like my DD. I again thanked her.

I have to honestly say that things seemed to be moving in a positive direction. Then came senior night & things got strange. After the senior night game the underclassmen always throw a little "party" for the seniors & the coach will usually make a little speech to the parents & kids reflecting on the year. It was so uncomfortable in the room you could almost cut the tension. The coach said nothing & did not engage in conversation with anyone. She never said a public word about anything - it was just very strange. While I'm sure she was uncomfortable, I would have thought she would have said something. It was just strange.

Even though things seemed to be getting more positive, the year has not ended on a good note. As always, some JV players got moved up to varsity for playoffs. This is a little honor that is always given to the hardest working JV players. The kids don't play, they just practice with the team & suit up for the games. Well, we had our last regular season (non-league) game yesterday & the coach played the 3 JV players she pulled up before she even played all of the regular varsity girls. She had some varsity players that sat the bench almost the entire year that she didn't put in until the very end of the game AFTER she had played the 3 called up JV players. It did not sit well with most of the parents that she did this. It's just not the right thing to do.

My DD also said she was disappointed that the coach would do this & said the coach did not make any mention of why.

So, all in all, that's where our season will be ending - unless we have a miraculous win on Tuesday! For my DD it was not her best year, but through all this we did try to have her find something positive. I guess the one good thing for her was being nominated over everyone else for the Scholarship.

Thanks for taking the time to read my long-winded update!

 

[manning]

That mom did what she felt she had to do. She couldn't have it both ways and decided on one....to quit.

Now, your meeting with the AD. Are you telling him the coach is not good or praising her improvement. You can't do both and not send mixed feelings. Stay on message and that is the coach is ruining the team's chances.

Later if you have another meeting with the AD he is going to bring up the "well you said she is improving". Let him come up with that. Your mission is to get the coach out of there!!!

 

[swald91]

I haven't read any of these posts here but speaking from experience...my daughter had to try out for her 7th grade team-she came from a small catholic school & she made the team-the same team that had been together for the past 3/4 yrs in the public school. She worked her tail off-but she didn't try out to be a back-up player-no joke she may have had 4 minutes play time the entire season! At that level they should all be playing pretty much the same amt...anyway-fast forward to this yr-about 4 of the players are called & told they can just join the jv team (w/o trying out!) Then try outs for 8th grade & she was disgusted like myself & didn't go-what do you know-she gets a phone call from the coach wondering why she's not there...duh! You didn't let her play last year why should she waste her time again-I really wanted to speak w/ the coach but my daughter knew that she would have to pay the consequences for it & I didn't think she should have that burden-it's tough, sometimes we want to give them a piece of our mind -some things are just better left unsaid.

 

[a1tinkfans]

Its only a game ...I wouldn't stress it!

 

[MELSMICE]

That mom did what she felt she had to do. She couldn't have it both ways and decided on one....to quit.

Now, your meeting with the AD. Are you telling him the coach is not good or praising her improvement. You can't do both and not send mixed feelings. Stay on message and that is the coach is ruining the team's chances.

Later if you have another meeting with the AD he is going to bring up the "well you said she is improving". Let him come up with that. Your mission is to get the coach out of there!!!

Meeting with the AD......our meeting about what was "broken" with the program & how the coach has broken it. DH & I hate to bad mouth someone so we did not go in ranting & raving. We told him that we know the coach has a passion for what she does, but it seems she was going about handling things the wrong way. He completely agreed with us.

We told him about the girls' meeting with the coach & told him that our DD had mentioned that the coach seemed like she was trying to make changes.

We didn't go in with a mixed message at all. We kept it a positive conversation but got our point across.

 

[Hillbeans]

I played HS sports and if I was sat in favor of a JV player in the 2nd to last game, when I was a Senior and had participated in all practices for the entire year i'd have walked too.

Not to sound immature about it, but that is just not fair at all. What a huge slap in the face. Imagine waiting all year to play and then having a JV player take your spot. That is a sign of an awful coach, IMO. The mom who threw the cash box probably felt she wasted months of her time for no good reason, seeing her daughter get humiliated all season by this poor excuse of a coach.

I am dreading when my 9 year old hits high school.