At a loss on what to tell DD about her basketball coach - Update posts #59 & #75

[OceanAnnie]

Thank you, declansdad. I agree. She loves the sport, but has said that it is not fun for her this year, as it has been in the past.


As declansdad said, that will not solve the problem with the coach for other girls. I am glad that she has decided not to quit, only because we have always taught our children that if you start something you should finish it & tough it out even if the going gets tough. It is certainly another tough year so far & we are dealing, but it's extremely frustrating.

I mentioned the 2 seniors not returning that have played since middle school. There were 3 other girls that would have been juniors this year that decided not to come back because of this coach. They had been called up to varsity for the playoffs last year & just dealing with the coach for those few weeks was enough.

The 2 JV coaches from last year & also the assistant varsity coach decided not to return this year. Rumor was the coach, but I don't put much stock in rumors, so it could be a number of reasons, but it's speculative. The JV coaches had been coaching for over 10 years without any issues in the past.

The thing that makes this a little emotionally tough also is, if you can believe this, this coach wrote my DD a letter of recommendation for college at my DD's request. Out of all the letters she got, the coach gave her the most glowing recommendation ever. She nailed my daughter's personality to a tee, she talked about her strengths & weaknesses, about how she was proud of the individual she has become & would be a top asset to any school. I couldn't have written a better letter. Both DH & I looked at each other & asked where it came from - this is not the coach we know.

I can see where the whole situation would be awkward after that letter. It sounds like the coach doesn't see herself at all the way she is perceived. She probably is so driven and focused that the end justifies the means. Doesn't make it right. Just adds another layer to the problem.

 

[happygirl]

Thank you, declansdad. I agree. She loves the sport, but has said that it is not fun for her this year, as it has been in the past.


As declansdad said, that will not solve the problem with the coach for other girls. I am glad that she has decided not to quit, only because we have always taught our children that if you start something you should finish it & tough it out even if the going gets tough. It is certainly another tough year so far & we are dealing, but it's extremely frustrating.

I mentioned the 2 seniors not returning that have played since middle school. There were 3 other girls that would have been juniors this year that decided not to come back because of this coach. They had been called up to varsity for the playoffs last year & just dealing with the coach for those few weeks was enough.

The 2 JV coaches from last year & also the assistant varsity coach decided not to return this year. Rumor was the coach, but I don't put much stock in rumors, so it could be a number of reasons, but it's speculative. The JV coaches had been coaching for over 10 years without any issues in the past.

The thing that makes this a little emotionally tough also is, if you can believe this, this coach wrote my DD a letter of recommendation for college at my DD's request. Out of all the letters she got, the coach gave her the most glowing recommendation ever. She nailed my daughter's personality to a tee, she talked about her strengths & weaknesses, about how she was proud of the individual she has become & would be a top asset to any school. I couldn't have written a better letter. Both DH & I looked at each other & asked where it came from - this is not the coach we know.

I don't want to sound mean or bash you but it's not your business about the other girls. They have parents that can and will take care of them

 

[declansdad]

I don't want to sound mean or bash you but it's not your business about the other girls. They have parents that can and will take care of them

You're missing the point. By the description given, this woman is a detriment to all these kids and should not be coaching unless she adjust her methods. Her daughter wants to play basketbal and that does make it her business. even if her daughter decided to quit, something should be said to the administratin about this coach.

 

[ilovefh]

I agree with the PP who said talk to the coach first even if you know what she will say. Then move up the line if you're not satisfied.

At our school the handbooks state that the following process must be followed for any issues:
Player/Parent talks to coach. If it is not resolved then....
Parent/Player talks to AD. If it is not resolved then.....
Parent/Player talks to Principal.

That way you can at least say you went about it the right way.

Last year the administration had a tough time following this, but after enough feedback from coaches they have finally started listening and they will ask any parent who calls/emails/talks to them if they have already attempted to resolve the issue with the coach.



I am a coach and we had a problem with parent complaints this year and you'll laugh when I tell you why! Normally we have the end of season banquet catered but due to raising LESS than half of the money we normally do we had to have a potluck. The parents didn't like it and complained to the AD (who chuckled about it) but had they come to us first we could have explained the team's financial position. This was due to only having 3-6 out of 24 kids at our big fundraiser most nights. A fundraiser that pays per person, per hour, with bonuses given for bringing increments of 20. Needless to say we didn't make much! Had the parents talked to us first we could have explained this...and hopefully they would encourage their kids to come to next year's fundraiser!

 

[diznygirl]

I agree with the coach on these 2, early in the game is they key to me. Why stay on the court?, go to the locker room & go over the changes needed in 2nd half. YES she should listen to the coach.

The other stuff you posted does sound questionable. You have a few choices 1). Ask the Coach why (I really suggest doing this first even if you "know" what the answer will be). 2). Go to the AD/School board 3). Remove your DD from the program.

Good luck

Maybe the OP can clarify something about this - I read it as the team walked off while the other team was shooting the free throws.


Melsmice?

 

[Buckalew11]

Maybe the OP can clarify something about this - I read it as the team walked off while the other team was shooting the free throws.


Melsmice?

That's how I read it and I have never seen a team walk off the court while the opposing team is shooting a free throw. Sounds like poor sportsmanship to me. I attend a lot of college basketball games and have never seen any team do that (D1, D2 or D3)

Sounds like this coach's negativity is rubbing off on her team...why not? I've seen that before too. Hard to watch a team go to pot like that.

I'd definitely talk to the AD.

I'm wondering just what your daughter felt when she spoke up in the huddle and the coach asked what she meant by that (twice, ) I can only imagine how she felt. What a terrible experience she's having with the game she loves. My DD gave up b-ball for a few reasons (and none were about losing love for the game ) The last year she played the coach was getting married and trying to find a way out of teaching and coaching and really just too busy with herself to coach a team. It was hard to watch.

I think that you're in for a long season. Sorry.

 

[MELSMICE]

Maybe the OP can clarify something about this - I read it as the team walked off while the other team was shooting the free throws.


Melsmice?

Yes, the coach had our team walk off the court while the other player was shooting her free throws. Very poor sportsmanship IMO. What are you teaching the kids?

You're missing the point. By the description given, this woman is a detriment to all these kids and should not be coaching unless she adjust her methods. Her daughter wants to play basketbal and that does make it her business. even if her daughter decided to quit, something should be said to the administratin about this coach.

Another incident tonight at practice, according to my DD. One of the girls got in trouble in school, I guess. I have no idea what the incident was, but a teacher e-mailed the coach about it. The coach pulled the girl aside today to talk to her. I don't know what was said to the girl, but the coach has always been adamant about following the rules, so I'm sure she was telling her what was to be done about her misbehavior.

Anyway, she spoke with the girl on the side & you would think that would be the end of it. No, she then proceeded to tell the team what happened & berated the girl in front of the entire team. My DD drives to & from practice with the girl & I guess the girl was mortified & crying uncontrollably on the way home.

Why does someone do this to a kid? What point is she trying to make? You belittle someone because you feel you can? That is not how you handle a situation like that. I'm sure everyone on the team knew something was up when the girl got pulled aside - why embarrass her more. Should she have to deal with the consequences of her actions - certainly - but the incident is between the original people it happened with, the teacher who sent the e-mail, the coach & the girl. It is no one else's business. Why belittle someone like that.

 

[mom2grace]

If a classmate was behaving this way to your DD, what would you do?

To me, she sounds like a bully. I would make my child quit any activity with a coach who is behaving like this.

You need to protect your child, there are times as parents that we have to make tough decisions for our children, this is one of them.

 

[declansdad]

Yes, the coach had our team walk off the court while the other player was shooting her free throws. Very poor sportsmanship IMO. What are you teaching the kids?


Another incident tonight at practice, according to my DD. One of the girls got in trouble in school, I guess. I have no idea what the incident was, but a teacher e-mailed the coach about it. The coach pulled the girl aside today to talk to her. I don't know what was said to the girl, but the coach has always been adamant about following the rules, so I'm sure she was telling her what was to be done about her misbehavior.

Anyway, she spoke with the girl on the side & you would think that would be the end of it. No, she then proceeded to tell the team what happened & berated the girl in front of the entire team. My DD drives to & from practice with the girl & I guess the girl was mortified & crying uncontrollably on the way home.

Why does someone do this to a kid? What point is she trying to make? You belittle someone because you feel you can? That is not how you handle a situation like that. I'm sure everyone on the team knew something was up when the girl got pulled aside - why embarrass her more. Should she have to deal with the consequences of her actions - certainly - but the incident is between the original people it happened with, the teacher who sent the e-mail, the coach & the girl. It is no one else's business. Why belittle someone like that.

You need to say something to the coach and the administration of your daughter's school. This woman is not a coach; she is a bully.

 

[ZuZugal]

Unfortunately there is no simple answer. We have 3 kids; all have played many sports. We have come across some unbelievably wonderful coaches, some who had no business coaching and everything in between.

You are your child's best advocate, after their own voice of course. Sounds like you are doing a beautiful job of supporting your daughter. Maybe you can find "one" incident to respectfully speak to the coach about (not right before or after a game.) Do not speak for the other girls or parents. In my opinion that is never following proper "rules of engagement" when speaking to a coach. If the other players/parents have anything to say they should speak for themselves. Say "our player" or "we" so she does not get defensive, not "the team" or "the parents".

The AD and principal should also be aware of her behavior; truthfully some of the incidents you describe sound disturbing and not expected from a coach.

Good luck in whatever route you take. This coach will certainly make for a long season.

 

[golfgal]

I agree with the coach on these 2, early in the game is they key to me. Why stay on the court?, go to the locker room & go over the changes needed in 2nd half. YES she should listen to the coach.

The other stuff you posted does sound questionable. You have a few choices 1). Ask the Coach why (I really suggest doing this first even if you "know" what the answer will be). 2). Go to the AD/School board 3). Remove your DD from the program.

Good luck

Maybe the OP can clarify something about this - I read it as the team walked off while the other team was shooting the free throws.


Melsmice?

It is NOT an uncommon practice for an opposing team to go into the locker room at half time while someone from the other team is shooting a free throw on a last second foul, heck, it isn't uncommon for the team of the player to go into the locker room and have that person follow when she is done. It doesn't have anything to do with sportsmanship at all.

OP, you have had problem after problem with your kids and sports. If the coach is as bad as you say, the situation will work itself out either by the team members quitting or the coach getting fired. I would chalk this up to a good learning experience for your DD and how to handle difficult people. There will come a time where she will have a college professor or a boss that will be just like this coach and she will have some experience in dealing with this type of personality. I would butt out of the situation completely and let your DD do what she feels is right and then you support her decision. She is plenty old enough to do this.

As far as the coach talking to the kid and the team about some conduct that wasn't appropriate-well, she got used as an example. Maybe the kid should have thought twice about what she did and how it would impact the team??? Our kids' Tae Kwon Do instructor pulled a kid out of their line to the front of the gym and told all of the kids that he was kicked out of the gym permanently because he had been caught smoking marijuana. Our kids were 5 and 8 at the time and they STILL talk about that--it made a HUGE impression on them. Maybe the coach was trying to make a point?

By high school age parents should NOT be involved in situations like these. If things are as bad as you say the GIRLS should get together and talk to the AD, the parents should BUTT OUT.

 

[luvsJack]

It is NOT an uncommon practice for an opposing team to go into the locker room at half time while someone from the other team is shooting a free throw on a last second foul, heck, it isn't uncommon for the team of the player to go into the locker room and have that person follow when she is done. It doesn't have anything to do with sportsmanship at all.

OP, you have had problem after problem with your kids and sports. If the coach is as bad as you say, the situation will work itself out either by the team members quitting or the coach getting fired. I would chalk this up to a good learning experience for your DD and how to handle difficult people. There will come a time where she will have a college professor or a boss that will be just like this coach and she will have some experience in dealing with this type of personality. I would butt out of the situation completely and let your DD do what she feels is right and then you support her decision. She is plenty old enough to do this.

As far as the coach talking to the kid and the team about some conduct that wasn't appropriate-well, she got used as an example. Maybe the kid should have thought twice about what she did and how it would impact the team??? Our kids' Tae Kwon Do instructor pulled a kid out of their line to the front of the gym and told all of the kids that he was kicked out of the gym permanently because he had been caught smoking marijuana. Our kids were 5 and 8 at the time and they STILL talk about that--it made a HUGE impression on them. Maybe the coach was trying to make a point?

By high school age parents should NOT be involved in situations like these. If things are as bad as you say the GIRLS should get together and talk to the AD, the parents should BUTT OUT.

I agree with this partially. I don't have an issue with telling the team what a kid did and what their punishment is to use them as an example. But it sounds like this coach did more than say it. If she wasn't going to throw the kid off the team, she should have said it and used it as a "team" moment and then moved on and shut up about it.

As for this being a learning experience, it can be that and the OP can go to the higher ups to address the situation too. That is the way to deal with it. I don't know about you but if my boss was acting like a bully, I would be in her bosses office in a heartbeat. No one has to take being treated that way.

It would be good for the girls to get together and go to the AD but that may or may not happen. If the OP's daughter can get the girls to go, I would suggest that; but when dealing with a bully it is sometimes hard to get everyone on board to address the problem. Besides, sometimes you have an administration that tends not to listen to students without the parents getting involved.

 

[kellyg403]

Honestly, I think the girls on the team should go to the AD. With the parents backing them up. This is a good time to teach them problem solving skills and how to approach someone to get it rectified. Will be an invaluable lesson for life.

After reading all the posts, sounds like you have a very intense coach. The thing that struck me is that it sounds like so many of the coach's I see on TV when dh and the boys are watching ESPN. Wow, some of those guys and gals kill me because my thinking is its just a game, just basketball or football or whatever..to them it is WAY MORE. So, I guess my thought was, maybe this coach doesn't realize that she is being a bully but thinking she is preparing some of these girls for college sports. Maybe she is thinking that the greatest thing she can do for them is teach them how tough it is going to be. Maybe her intensity is born from wanting to turn high school athletes into college athletes. Now it doesn't excuse some of her behavior but just a possibility that there is where her intensity comes from. I would imagine for a high school coach, one of the best reflections of your coaching is to have an athlete move on to the next level and be successful. Especially after reading her recommendation. It sounds like you feel she was spot on with her assessment of your dd, so she is taking to the time to notice and appreciate the strengths and weaknesses of each of her athletes.

I don't know. I definitely think if your dd and the others are feeling no fun or love of the sport, directly BECAUSE of the coach, having the discussion with the AD by the girls as a UNIT would be effective.

I read a story once about a famous athlete who said his high school coach at the time was THE worst. Everyday he hated it, almost gave up. He was getting in trouble and the coach would put him out there in front of the group and chastise him etc. He went to the coach and said hey, stop. The coach then said something along the lines of he had so much talent and skill but the immaturity and the irresponsibility were what were going to stop him from being successful. If he hated his coach putting his faults out there in front of the others, imagine what the media would do to him if he were to move forward and be successful. It would be a drop in the bucket this little bit of humiliation. That same athlete said it took a few years but boy oh boy did he learn his lesson and now felt that his high school coach was the best coach he ever had. He gave him the time to teach him about life, not just the sport. That athlete is now VERY famous and has had a few run ins with the media but he matured enough to know, the media attention he wants is the good kind.

Kelly

 

[MELSMICE]

You need to say something to the coach and the administration of your daughter's school. This woman is not a coach; she is a bully.

My husband's exact words.

It is NOT an uncommon practice for an opposing team to go into the locker room at half time while someone from the other team is shooting a free throw on a last second foul, heck, it isn't uncommon for the team of the player to go into the locker room and have that person follow when she is done. It doesn't have anything to do with sportsmanship at all.

OP, you have had problem after problem with your kids and sports. If the coach is as bad as you say, the situation will work itself out either by the team members quitting or the coach getting fired. I would chalk this up to a good learning experience for your DD and how to handle difficult people. There will come a time where she will have a college professor or a boss that will be just like this coach and she will have some experience in dealing with this type of personality. I would butt out of the situation completely and let your DD do what she feels is right and then you support her decision. She is plenty old enough to do this.

As far as the coach talking to the kid and the team about some conduct that wasn't appropriate-well, she got used as an example. Maybe the kid should have thought twice about what she did and how it would impact the team??? Our kids' Tae Kwon Do instructor pulled a kid out of their line to the front of the gym and told all of the kids that he was kicked out of the gym permanently because he had been caught smoking marijuana. Our kids were 5 and 8 at the time and they STILL talk about that--it made a HUGE impression on them. Maybe the coach was trying to make a point?

By high school age parents should NOT be involved in situations like these. If things are as bad as you say the GIRLS should get together and talk to the AD, the parents should BUTT OUT.

I can appreciate your post, but I respectfully disagree with humiliating kids in front of others.

Also, only one of my DD's plays sports, so I really don't have problem after problem. I did vent about this coach last year, but seriously tried to give her benefit of the doubt & really tried to be positive about it. Especially after reading responses to my vent.

Moving forward...............humiliating anyone the way the coach did/does is uncalled for. I work with kids of all ages. There are other ways to deal with a behavioral issue. The kid would have been embarrassed enough sitting on the bench for one or two games because of misconduct. The kids would have been aware that something happened. Plus, as I stated, that issue is between the teacher, the coach, the kid & the kid's parents. It's no one else's business what she did.

DD really opened up to DH & myself last night about the situation. She said it's horrible. She said that everyone on the team is afraid to say anything at all because of the ramifications. You are asked to state your opinion, but if your opinion differs from what the coach thinks you are punished. We are familiar with this from first hand experience.

None of the kids want their parents to say anything because their afraid of the punishment the coach will deal out for them. There is a game tonight & it's anyone's guess on how she'll treat the kids.

She is definitely a bully.

 

[Disney Doll]

I would go to the AD and the school principal with my concerns regarding how the coach is treating the kids, and also my concerns about what ind of reputation the school isgetting based on the actions of this coach.

 

[OceanAnnie]

None of the kids want their parents to say anything because their afraid of the punishment the coach will deal out for them. There is a game tonight & it's anyone's guess on how she'll treat the kids.

She is definitely a bully.

That is exactly why parents need to step in. They aren't defending themselves. It continues. This woman is a skilled bully and gets away with a heck of a lot. I'd tell the AD those exact words bolded above and facts about what has been going on. Enlist other parents. I would say go to the coach first, but she has crossed so many lines. She should know what she is doing is wrong.

I would go to the AD and the school principal with my concerns regarding how the coach is treating the kids, and also my concerns about what ind of reputation the school isgetting based on the actions of this coach.

Me too.

 

[MELSMICE]

That is exactly why parents need to step in. They aren't defending themselves. It continues. This woman is a skilled bully and gets away with a heck of a lot. I'd tell the AD those exact words bolded above and facts about what has been going on. Enlist other parents. I would say go to the coach first, but she has crossed so many lines. She should know what she is doing is wrong.

DH & I just had a long conversation over lunch about this. I said that not saying anything is showing acceptance of the situation (someone else posted that previously!).

He talked about speaking to the coach first & I said I believe it would be best to go the AD. I really don't think speaking to her would accomplish anything & probably make it horrible for our daughter. Plus, it's her word against his/ours if we did approach the AD at a later date & said we already had a conversation with her & nothing changed or got worse.

I feel bad that my DD's senior year playing the sport she really loves is not the experience it should be. Oh well................we learn through life experiences.

 

[ilovefh]

I'd still recommend you go to the coach first. One of three things will happen then.

1. She takes it out on DD and then you go to the AD.
2. Maybe she doesn't know her behavior is bad and she sees the light and changes.
3. She doesn't take it out on DD, but her behavior doesn't change, then you go to the AD.

You'll know quickly if she takes it out on your DD. And to be honest if she is going to take it out on your DD then she will do that even if go to the AD first. This way you can say to the AD "I talked to coach and told her my concerns and the next day she humiliated my daughter in front of the team by....." By talking to her first (even though the outcome probably will not be what you are hoping for) you can tell the AD that you went about it the right way. Honestly, the AD will see you in a better light if you take the proper steps rather than running right to him/her.


Don't go in guns blazing and don't do the "all the parents agree with me" thing. Talk about DD and you and only that. Saying that can sometimes sound like a threat almost. (like a "change or else, because I am not the only person who feels this way") We had a parent do that and then she organized a meeting about the issue. When all was said and done she looked bad because the other parents did not in fact agree with her.

Now a meeting with the AD, I'd see if some of the other parents with the same complaints will come with you. If there is more than one parent saying it to the AD it will help.

 

[Buckalew11]

I wouldn't call it a common practice to walk off the court at half time like that. Our D3 college has some really classy coaches though so maybe I just do not see it. None of the schools we play have done it eiher. Although Fisk showed worse than that at one time.

I hope the situation is better tonight, Melsmice.

 

[KAMLEM]

Next game we are again losing & the game is rough. Both teams are playing aggressive & really getting in each other's heads. End of the 1st half we foul someone who is about to shoot a 3 point shot - it's at the buzzer, so 1st half is over. She has our team walk off the court, behind the girl that is shooting the foul shots. DD looked at DH & I mouthed, "Aren't we supposed to stay on the court?" DD says something out loud & the coach says, "I said get to the locker room." Should we tell DD to remain on the court if it should happen again or listen to the coach? I know the right thing to do, but I can only imagine that the ramifications for DD wouldn't be worth it.

It sounds as if you think the right thing would be for your DD to walk off the court. I don't agree. Regardless of how your DD feels about the coach, she needs to listen to her.