At a loss on what to tell DD about her basketball coach - Update posts #59 & #75

[MELSMICE]

It sounds as if you think the right thing would be for your DD to walk off the court. I don't agree. Regardless of how your DD feels about the coach, she needs to listen to her.

Just the opposite. I believe the right thing to do is remain on the court. The coach told them to walk off the court & in fact had the entire team walk behind the girl that was making the free throws. I don't agree with that.

 

[Boo'sMom]

I have some pretty intense first hand experience with basketball coaches. My brother is a coach for a top 5 nationally ranked program.
He has a saying for his players:

players..play. *****es...*****. Do you want to be a player or a *****?

It's the intensitiy of the game....and parents getting involved is just going to cause a rift within the team. If your daugther is a senior in high school, she's pretty close to being an adult...time to fight her own battles in this situation. We're talking about hurt feelings, something she'll need to learn to deal with eventually.

 

[declansdad]

Honestly, I think the girls on the team should go to the AD. With the parents backing them up. This is a good time to teach them problem solving skills and how to approach someone to get it rectified. Will be an invaluable lesson for life.

After reading all the posts, sounds like you have a very intense coach. The thing that struck me is that it sounds like so many of the coach's I see on TV when dh and the boys are watching ESPN. Wow, some of those guys and gals kill me because my thinking is its just a game, just basketball or football or whatever..to them it is WAY MORE. So, I guess my thought was, maybe this coach doesn't realize that she is being a bully but thinking she is preparing some of these girls for college sports. Maybe she is thinking that the greatest thing she can do for them is teach them how tough it is going to be. Maybe her intensity is born from wanting to turn high school athletes into college athletes. Now it doesn't excuse some of her behavior but just a possibility that there is where her intensity comes from. I would imagine for a high school coach, one of the best reflections of your coaching is to have an athlete move on to the next level and be successful. Especially after reading her recommendation. It sounds like you feel she was spot on with her assessment of your dd, so she is taking to the time to notice and appreciate the strengths and weaknesses of each of her athletes.

I don't know. I definitely think if your dd and the others are feeling no fun or love of the sport, directly BECAUSE of the coach, having the discussion with the AD by the girls as a UNIT would be effective.

I read a story once about a famous athlete who said his high school coach at the time was THE worst. Everyday he hated it, almost gave up. He was getting in trouble and the coach would put him out there in front of the group and chastise him etc. He went to the coach and said hey, stop. The coach then said something along the lines of he had so much talent and skill but the immaturity and the irresponsibility were what were going to stop him from being successful. If he hated his coach putting his faults out there in front of the others, imagine what the media would do to him if he were to move forward and be successful. It would be a drop in the bucket this little bit of humiliation. That same athlete said it took a few years but boy oh boy did he learn his lesson and now felt that his high school coach was the best coach he ever had. He gave him the time to teach him about life, not just the sport. That athlete is now VERY famous and has had a few run ins with the media but he matured enough to know, the media attention he wants is the good kind.

Kelly

College coach here. This type of coach costs me recruits rather than prepares them for me. Her tactics turn kids off of whatever game they are playing and they stop playing.

 

[MELSMICE]

I have some pretty intense first hand experience with basketball coaches. My brother is a coach for a top 5 nationally ranked program.
He has a saying for his players:

players..play. *****es...*****. Do you want to be a player or a *****?

It's the intensitiy of the game....and parents getting involved is just going to cause a rift within the team. If your daugther is a senior in high school, she's pretty close to being an adult...time to fight her own battles in this situation. We're talking about hurt feelings, something she'll need to learn to deal with eventually.

Well, this is not a top 5 nationally ranked college team & it really has nothing to do with hurt feelings. It has to do with how a supposed mature adult is treating young adults.

If my daughters feelings were hurt I'd tell her talk "cry me a river, get on the court & play". This woman is a serious bully. It's all about control & who has the upper hand at all times with her. She asks for opinions, however, if you give one that differs from her own be prepared for the punishment that follows. I'm seriously not making this up. These kids are afraid to say anything at all to her.

 

[Boo'sMom]

Well, this is not a top 5 nationally ranked college team & it really has nothing to do with hurt feelings. It has to do with how a supposed mature adult is treating young adults.

If my daughters feelings were hurt I'd tell her talk "cry me a river, get on the court & play". This woman is a serious bully. It's all about control & who has the upper hand at all times with her. She asks for opinions, however, if you give one that differs from her own be prepared for the punishment that follows. I'm seriously not making this up. These kids are afraid to say anything at all to her.

actually, he's a high school coach...but that's irrelevant.

I find it kind of odd that you're actually doing the same thing you're accusing the coach of....ask for opinions and then get upset when someone's is different than yours. You asked for opinions....my opinion is to to tell her to suck it up, buttercup. YMMV. I don't get what life lesson you're teaching these young women by stepping in to fight their battles?!?! Basketball is a optional activity...if you don't like the rules or the coach...pick something else.

 

[OceanAnnie]

actually, he's a high school coach...but that's irrelevant.

I find it kind of odd that you're actually doing the same thing you're accusing the coach of....ask for opinions and then get upset when someone's is different than yours. You asked for opinions....my opinion is to to tell her to suck it up, buttercup. YMMV. I don't get what life lesson you're teaching these young women by stepping in to fight their battles?!?! Basketball is a optional activity...if you don't like the rules or the coach...pick something else.

There have been posters that think the OP should step in, and some that don't. She has to decide. Maybe I missed it, but I don't see where she is upset with posters answers. Disagreeing isn't being upset.

There is not right or wrong answer, IMO. People have to do what is right for them.

 

[MELSMICE]

actually, he's a high school coach...but that's irrelevant.

I find it kind of odd that you're actually doing the same thing you're accusing the coach of....ask for opinions and then get upset when someone's is different than yours. You asked for opinions....my opinion is to to tell her to suck it up, buttercup. YMMV. I don't get what life lesson you're teaching these young women by stepping in to fight their battles?!?! Basketball is a optional activity...if you don't like the rules or the coach...pick something else.

I'm not upset at your opinions, just saying that mine differs from yours.

The opinion scenario with the coach is only one example. If the coach would say, "I can appreciate your opinion, but in this case I think we're going to do it this way.............." then that would be one thing. However, if your opinion differs from the coach then there are repercussions.

 

[declansdad]

I have some pretty intense first hand experience with basketball coaches. My brother is a coach for a top 5 nationally ranked program.
He has a saying for his players:

players..play. *****es...*****. Do you want to be a player or a *****?

It's the intensitiy of the game....and parents getting involved is just going to cause a rift within the team. If your daugther is a senior in high school, she's pretty close to being an adult...time to fight her own battles in this situation. We're talking about hurt feelings, something she'll need to learn to deal with eventually.

A good coach doesn't need to rely on being a bully.

 

[MarriedToAPrince]

I personally think that yes you need to bring it to the AD's attention and if that doesn't get anywhere go to the superintendent of schools. That behavior is inappropriate and I am appalled that other posters think your DD should quit the team. Why should she be punished because of a horrible coach? I am sorry but if the coach is so bad then she needs to be demoted and someone else hired above her or fired all together. I don't think it is fair to expect these children to deal with an adult who is being rude and nasty. Even though they are high schoolers, they are still just children and are still very impressionable. Someone needs to stand up for them.

 

[agnes!]

I'm not sure what I would do in this situation but a thought just occurred to me...if this adult behaved this way in any other avenue of life...say, behaved like this in the classroom teaching a class, would it be ok?

agnes!

 

[MELSMICE]

A good coach doesn't need to rely on being a bully.

You're so right. One of DD's AAU coaches that she played for was incredible. Taught the kids so much & they loved him. He almost applied for this job but unfortunately, for us got a different coaching job.

I'm not sure what I would do in this situation but a thought just occurred to me...if this adult behaved this way in any other avenue of life...say, behaved like this in the classroom teaching a class, would it be ok?

agnes!

This is what I told my DH. I work with kids at my dance studio. I said if I treated kids this way I would not have a business at all.

 

[golfgal]

What I don't understand is that if she was such a terrible coach, how she got promoted?? I still think there is more to this story.

 

[KAMLEM]

Just the opposite. I believe the right thing to do is remain on the court. The coach told them to walk off the court & in fact had the entire team walk behind the girl that was making the free throws. I don't agree with that.

So you approve of the players disrespecting the coach and doing whatever they choose regardless of her instructions? I don't consider that the "right thing to do".

 

[agnes!]

What I don't understand is that if she was such a terrible coach, how she got promoted?? I still think there is more to this story.

Maybe this coach really is fabulous *but*... Sometimes people who get a job "know" somebody or they could be the only applicant or maybe they'll do it for less than anybody else.

Not everyone who gets promoted deserves it.

agnes!

 

[Buckalew11]

Maybe this coach really is fabulous *but*... Sometimes people who get a job "know" somebody or they could be the only applicant or maybe they'll do it for less than anybody else.

Not everyone who gets promoted deserves it.

agnes!

Thank you, Agnes.

It is absurd to think that every HS out there deserves to be coaching.

I think to say that that this coach is an intense coach because of her actions and words is just as absurd. I think the way she acts is a personality problem and something she needs to work on. Being an intense coach has nothing to do with bullying kids around. There is such a difference between the two. Sad that so many can't see that.

 

[Buckalew11]

Well, this is not a top 5 nationally ranked college team & it really has nothing to do with hurt feelings. It has to do with how a supposed mature adult is treating young adults.

If my daughters feelings were hurt I'd tell her talk "cry me a river, get on the court & play". This woman is a serious bully. It's all about control & who has the upper hand at all times with her. She asks for opinions, however, if you give one that differs from her own be prepared for the punishment that follows. I'm seriously not making this up. These kids are afraid to say anything at all to her.

Well, since he is only a HS coach, your post was irrelevant but I still feel like your post is important. For instance, Pat Head Summit (who you may love or hate or say "who?" lol) is not a coach who bullies. She's a class act. She's tough as nails and coaches like a coach is supposed to coach--not belittling and beating her team. I'm all for a coach being tough--I wanted a tough coach for my DD (and trust me, it seemed I was the only one who wanted that) and sometimes we got it and sometimes we didn't. Bad coaching irritates the stew outta me--and it always seems to show itself within the team.

 

[MELSMICE]

So you approve of the players disrespecting the coach and doing whatever they choose regardless of her instructions? I don't consider that the "right thing to do".

I never said I approve of the players disrespecting the coach. I believe what I posted in my OP was this: Should we tell DD to remain on the court if it should happen again or listen to the coach. I know the right thing to do, but I can only imagine that the ramifications for DD wouldn't be worth it. It's kind of a rhetorical question/statement.

I'm not sure where you got the idea that I would want the players to disrespect the coach.

Maybe this coach really is fabulous *but*... Sometimes people who get a job "know" somebody or they could be the only applicant or maybe they'll do it for less than anybody else.

Not everyone who gets promoted deserves it.

agnes!

Let me just say that the coach "knew/knows" the married (soon to be divorced) boys varsity coach very well. His DD played last year but decided not to return as a senior player this year.

 

[MELSMICE]

So you approve of the players disrespecting the coach and doing whatever they choose regardless of her instructions? I don't consider that the "right thing to do".

I never said I approve of the players disrespecting the coach. I believe what I posted was this: Just the opposite. I believe the right thing to do is remain on the court. The coach told them to walk off the court & in fact had the entire team walk behind the girl that was making the free throws. I don't agree with that.

I'm not sure where you got the idea that I would want the players to disrespect the coach. My opinion differs from the coaches on what the right thing to do is.

Maybe this coach really is fabulous *but*... Sometimes people who get a job "know" somebody or they could be the only applicant or maybe they'll do it for less than anybody else.

Not everyone who gets promoted deserves it.

agnes!

Let me just say that the coach "knew/knows" the married (soon to be divorced) boys varsity coach very well. His DD played last year but decided not to return as a senior player this year.

 

[MELSMICE]

Small update:

It's been about 4 weeks since my OP.......things really have not improved.

The girls have lost all enthusiasm. After each game the parents will tell the girls, "Nice job", "nice effort", "keep working hard", "tough loss", etc. The comments from the girls, "I hate the coach", "I despise playing for her", "I can't take her any more", "I'm sick of her screaming at us", etc. Of course, they are high school girls, so it's always dramatic, but there's not one nice thing said - win or lose.

I told DH that this is just not right & I'm sick of sitting here & watching these girls get beaten down. I also said that unless we have "evidence" of the way she treats the girls I think it would be tough to go to the Athletic Director or even the coach.

So, yesterday I went to practice & stood outside the open door of the gym without the coach knowing so I could hear if the girls were exaggerating about the way she ran a practice. I was there for over an hour & they were not exaggerating. I heard nothing positive - all yelling & screaming........."you are lazy", "you don't know how to play this game", "I refuse to play someone as lazy as you". She specifically belittled one girl over & over. The girl finally said, "Coach, I'm really trying to work hard". Coach screamed at her & said, "Excuse me........don't you ever talk to me that way........you can leave practice now."

I don't condone the girl "questioning" the coach, but I can't say I blame her after listening to what she was going through. I talked to her when she left practice & told her to not let the coach get to her & to keep working hard. The girl was in tears & told me, "The thing is I'm really trying my hardest. I don't know how much I can take of her anymore. I want to win also, but at some point this has to be fun & something to look forward to. The entire day I stress about coming to practice because I hate having her as a coach so much."

Anyway..........DH & I have decided that we will either be going to the AD or directly to the coach. I believe what someone posted earlier on this thread that sitting back & doing nothing is like saying that we accept her behavior & it's OK to continue.

For those of you that say it's OK to have a tough coach - you're right it is - my DD has had tough coaches, however, they were tough positive coaches that didn't belittle the kids. They got so much more out of the kids by being both tough & positive. This woman is a bully & what she is doing is not working. It's alienated her team & they don't want to play for her. They don't care any more - they just want the season to end.

 

[agnes!]

Maybe you can get the AD to somehow listen in on a practice?

And how do the other parents feel about this coach, would they be willing to back you up?

agnes!