At a loss - DSS has informed us...

[lillygator]

I understand it's his life, it's just hard to see your kids make mistakes. I hope it does turn out fine for him...and soon.

I'm pretty sure she is not pregnant as someone asked. I know she misses her family and friends from back home and they do pressure her to come back home.

He was going to school at UCF in Orlando, and worked at the school. We live about 45 minutes away, but he spent a lot of time at our house. Classes started this past Monday. Today was the last day to drop with a refund...so at least he was thinking of that. The money for books, I'm sure is a loss.

wow...hopefully he gives a notice with the job and leaves on good terms in case he decides to come back. Where does she live? I must have missed that.

 

[bumbershoot]

But he needs to understand that he needs to support himself now and the parents (step or otherwise) aren't going to help him financially.

Oh yes please.

Both of my half brothers did similar things. The second brother seems to have pulled himself up...he had moved to another state to live with his gf and her mom...then they broke up, he moved back, and he seems to have a job with the sheriff's dept now (though I haven't heard from my dad about it in a couple months so who knows?). He's always worked throughout it all, though.

The other brother, though, sigh. So smart. So messed up. Girlfriends, domestic disputes (he and gf, equally tall, equally angry, smacked *each other* around....HE's the only one who gets punished...they BOTH should have been punished), lawsuits by landlords where there were 10 people living there but he was the ONLY one on the lease, it goes on and on. 3 years at a UC, dropped out, some classes at the CC, continues... My dad seems to think the only support is financial (gives money and pulls him out of scrapes while screaming at him), so this brother has yet to hit the bottom. So sad.


Hope your stepson figures out his life more like my youngest half brother, not like the other one!

 

[RitaZ.]

He is an adult now. I doubt that anyone will be able to change his mind on his decision. Your husband and his mom should talk to him about how his decision will impact his future. Leave the girlfriend out of it. Don't even mention how she is controlling him because that will only alienate him further. Just focus on him.

I know a few families that have gone or are going through this with their older teens. They started college, were doing well, but then they weren't sure they wanted to continue with college. So, they dropped out. The parents were/are confused and disappointed. There are many kids in college today that shouldn't be there. Many times they are there because it is what their parents expect from them, but not really what they want to do. I'm not saying that's the case with your stepson, it's just what I have seen at my university.

He has to make his own mistakes and live with the consequences. That's the only way the message will get through to them. Hopefully, he won't mess up his life too much. The one thing that I believe parents must do is to cut off all financial support. If they are ready to make stupid decisions, then they can figure out a way to fund them. As long as mom and dad provide $, nothing will change. The bank of M & D (mom and dad) is closed until they come to their senses.


Good luck.

BTW~ Bookstores give you a week to return your textbooks for a full refund, even the ones off campus. He may have already returned the books and gotten a refund.

 

[Took]

He is an adult now. I doubt that anyone will be able to change his mind on his decision. Your husband and his mom should talk to him about how his decision will impact his future. Leave the girlfriend out of it. Don't even mention how she is controlling him because that will only alienate him further. Just focus on him.

I know a few families that have gone or are going through this with their older teens. They started college, were doing well, but then they weren't sure they wanted to continue with college. So, they dropped out. The parents were/are confused and disappointed. There are many kids in college today that shouldn't be there. Many times they are there because it is what their parents expect from them, but not really what they want to do. I'm not saying that's the case with your stepson, it's just what I have seen at my university.

He has to make his own mistakes and live with the consequences. That's the only way the message will get through to them. Hopefully, he won't mess up his life too much. The one thing that I believe parents must do is to cut off all financial support. If they are ready to make stupid decisions, then they can figure out a way to fund them. As long as mom and dad provide $, nothing will change. The bank of M & D (mom and dad) is closed until they come to their senses.


Good luck.

BTW~ Bookstores give you a week to return your textbooks for a full refund, even the ones off campus. He may have already returned the books and gotten a refund.

I work at a cc and agree with RitaZ. Withdraw financial support completely (no car insurance, no cell phone, zip). Let son decide if he still really likes the life he and gf build in her mom's home. Hopefully, they will both come to their senses.

Took

 

[rie'smom]

We went through something similar with our DS 2. He never did finish college but he found a job that he loves. It's in sales in the oil and gas business. The kid is an entrepreneur
and is getting ready to open a new business in addition to his job. He's very bright but was just anxious to get to work.
Your son will find his way. It may not be on the path that you thought.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I understand it's his life, it's just hard to see your kids make mistakes. I hope it does turn out fine for him...and soon.

I'm pretty sure she is not pregnant as someone asked. I know she misses her family and friends from back home and they do pressure her to come back home.

He was going to school at UCF in Orlando, and worked at the school. We live about 45 minutes away, but he spent a lot of time at our house. Classes started this past Monday. Today was the last day to drop with a refund...so at least he was thinking of that. The money for books, I'm sure is a loss.

Man that is tough.

Maybe he will find his own way on his own time.

 

[blissventure]

I understand it's his life, it's just hard to see your kids make mistakes. I hope it does turn out fine for him...and soon.

I'm pretty sure she is not pregnant as someone asked. I know she misses her family and friends from back home and they do pressure her to come back home.

He was going to school at UCF in Orlando, and worked at the school. We live about 45 minutes away, but he spent a lot of time at our house. Classes started this past Monday. Today was the last day to drop with a refund...so at least he was thinking of that. The money for books, I'm sure is a loss.

Sending you a hug.
May I give a bit of advice? Whenever you talk to your son, take your time reacting. Give yourself the gift of mulling things over. He may call at some point and "need" help immediately. Don't let him set the pace. You can ask for basic information, and then arrange to talk again maybe in an hour or so. It's possible to do this in a kind, unhurried way. No commitments until you and your husband have had a chance to talk. It may be a long road, and sometimes you'll decide to do something that works for your family-sometimes the answer will be "That's just not possible." Either way is fine. You only need to help/not help as you choose. For example, some parents choose to drop off simple groceries, rather than money in an emergency, that sort of thing. Your son will be learning about boundaries with you in the coming weeks. Lots of options, consider what's best for you, and for your son. I hope things work out, and eventually things turn around in a positive way for all of you!

 

[RitaZ.]

Sending you a hug.
May I give a bit of advice? Whenever you talk to your son, take your time reacting. Give yourself the gift of mulling things over. He may call at some point and "need" help immediately. Don't let him set the pace. You can ask for basic information, and then arrange to talk again maybe in an hour or so. It's possible to do this in a kind, unhurried way. No commitments until you and your husband have had a chance to talk. It may be a long road, and sometimes you'll decide to do something that works for your family-sometimes the answer will be "That's just not possible." Either way is fine. You only need to help/not help as you choose. For example, some parents choose to drop off simple groceries, rather than money in an emergency, that sort of thing. Your son will be learning about boundaries with you in the coming weeks. Lots of options, consider what's best for you, and for your son. I hope things work out, and eventually things turn around in a positive way for all of you!

The young man is the OP's stepson.

 

[yoopermom]

I will tell you what my DF told me when I was 19 and moved in with my BF (now DH). He said to me, "Nothing is forever except death. Good luck, you want to be an adult, be one, you know where to find us." Honestly, we lived within 20 miles of both our extended families and didn't see much of them for the next few years, but I did finish college (DH wouldn't have had it any other way), and now we're very close to all of our family. It wasn't easy, but I appreciate my family being willing to give us love, yet space.

Good luck and a big hug for you and yours.

Terri

 

[blissventure]

The young man is the OP's stepson.

Son/stepson...either way, my advice would be the same.

 

[MineMail]

He may be able to return the books since he didn't use them and the drop/add date just ended.

Recommend that he talk to his academic advisor to formally take a leave of absence. It's not uncommon for a student to take a semester or two off,but he needs to find out what the rules and limits are at that university.

Make sure he keeps his course catalog from the year he entered - that determines what courses he needs to fulfill for his major if he decides to return to school. Mention that he might want to change his major if the courses are the problem. He should consider an associate's degree or a specialty certificate - his advisor can tell him if his already-completed courses would put him close to one. It will help him professionally since he's now going to have to work more.

If he is on any of your medical/dental or other benefit plans, he may lose that coverage, but check with the HR/Benefits department at work. Some states have recently passed laws that allow parents to keep their young adult children on the policies even if they're not in school. While some may view that as financial support, I think of it as "stupidity prevention." If he doesn't have insurance, he won't go to the doctor and that's just stupid when you're really sick.

Whichever parent he lives with should notify his/her car insurance company. One bright spot: insurance will go down if he's not living therre anymore. I'd wait a few weeks before doing that, just in case he changes his mind.

I agree with ending financial support. If he's old enough to make a life-changing decision, he should be mature enough to support himself. Tell him you hope he makes his dreams come true even though he's changed directions.

(((((hugs)))))

 

[minkydog]

This statement is worth repeating. Whatever you do, don't shut your boy out. And don't criticize his GF. Bite your tongue and be pleasant. He has to make his own way in the world, even if you think he's making a huge mistake. His life isn't over and I'm betting that he will go back to school when he finds out how hard it is to make it out in the real world when you have a high school diploma and no skills. Hang in there for the long haul.