Asking for advice with my daughter and school

[pls5286]

I am asking for advice with my daughter and school. I was at the school meeting with the vice principal for the second time this morning about my daughter being bullied. This is the second time within a month. By two different children.

The first one was trying to get money out of her. I accidentally overheard her frantically searching for her money saying if I don't give this girl on the playground my $10 she will crush me. I was in my room on the phone when she said this and just overheard her thinking aloud.

I was at the school the next morning and met with the vp, she assured me she would meet with DD and bully and it would be stopped. It was promptly handled that day. I was satisfied with handling of it. DD said girl spent day in time out room and also brought home letter of apology.

Fast forward to last night. My son noticed the ear rings he bought his sister were missing from her ears. When I asked her where they were, she said she gave them to a girl at school. That was all she said. I got upset. She was punished. Upon further questioning because she got more upset than normal with a punishment, she said she kept saying I like your ear rings. You have to give them to me. DD said She kept saying it Mama. I had to do it. She made me.

My DD is 6 and in the 1st grade. She is small for her size. Since the first bullying episode, she has been using the bathroom, both #1 and 2 in her pants at school on most days. Rarely does this at home. Never at night. Her dad and I are divorced, but are working together to resolve this.

I have been to the school this morning and have a meeting with the teacher in addition to the vp. Met w/vp this am and told her how concerned I was over my DD's safety at this school. School provides good education, but my child is obviously decompinsating and scared at school. I am ready to pull her out. VP has suggested a plan of more frequent bathroom breaks with parapro accompanyment (bullies are from another class) and will start 1 on 1 counseling ASAP. She will be more highly monitored in places like playground where she seems to be targeted.

Her step-mom will be going with me today if we can't get in touch with dad at work before the meeting. We want DD to know we are standing behind her and love her.

Oh yeah, something DD said that really concerned me, that I brought up is there is a rule of "no tattletaleing" in her class. This concerns me. She thinks when she is being picked at, someone takes something of hers or makes her uncomfortable, she cannot tell. I brought this up. This will also be addressed.

Advice or thoughts before I go into this afternoons meeting.

 

[glitterkittyy]

What has the school done to address the behavior problems with the bully's parents? What is their policy for punishment for this type of thing? Timeout and apology the first time, great. Now what? I don't think it's fair for your daughter to have to go through a bunch of changes because of another child's behavior. So what is the school doing about this kid?

 

[mjkacmom]

First of all, keep going to the school. However, it has been my experience that schools don't step up to the plate. Therefore, you MUST empower your dd. Role play, tell her what she needs to do in these situations. Maybe enroll her in martial arts (not for physical defense, but mental). She's just starting out in school. Sadly, bullies will be there, every single grade, every single year. Heck, they'll be around when she's an adult. The same kids are bullied every year, because they don't know the tools to deal with them. I've found girl bullies are worse than boy bullies - and it starts early.

 

[golfgal]

The teacher needs to let the kids know that there is a difference between tattling and telling. Tattling is just trying to get someone in trouble, telling is when someone is doing something wrong and and adult needs to know about it. There is a fine line but it wouldn't hurt to have the children be able to ask "is this tattling or telling if someone makes you give them your earrings or they will beat you up"?

I TOTALLY understand the not tattling rule but the teacher needs to reinforce what is tattling and what is telling.

 

[pls5286]

These are different children. I know parents are notified with bullying. As for if it occurs again. I do not know. We are trying to figure out now what makes DD a targeted child. We are thinking she is scared to go to the bathroom because its kids from other classes harassing her causing the toileting issues.

Of course now kids in her class are calling her poopy pant

 

[glitterkittyy]

These are different children. I know parents are notified with bullying. As for if it occurs again. I do not know. We are trying to figure out now what makes DD a targeted child. We are thinking she is scared to go to the bathroom because its kids from other classes harassing her causing the toileting issues.

Of course now kids in her class are calling her poopy pant

Keep on the teachers and the school. Make them aware that you are holding them responsible for her safety and well-being. It is probably the same set of kids doing this so the school needs to keep on them and involve their parents.

I agree with the counseling. She needs to learn to be more assertive. Her small size won't matter if she has a strong sense of self. I also agree with the person who suggested martial arts. It will make her mentally stronger, more self-assured and, let's face it, if necessary, physically able t defend herself either now or later in life. I'm very sorry your child is going through this. It's hard for her, and it's hard for you too.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I am asking for advice with my daughter and school. I was at the school meeting with the vice principal for the second time this morning about my daughter being bullied. This is the second time within a month. By two different children.

The first one was trying to get money out of her. I accidentally overheard her frantically searching for her money saying if I don't give this girl on the playground my $10 she will crush me. I was in my room on the phone when she said this and just overheard her thinking aloud.

I was at the school the next morning and met with the vp, she assured me she would meet with DD and bully and it would be stopped. It was promptly handled that day. I was satisfied with handling of it. DD said girl spent day in time out room and also brought home letter of apology.

Fast forward to last night. My son noticed the ear rings he bought his sister were missing from her ears. When I asked her where they were, she said she gave them to a girl at school. That was all she said. I got upset. She was punished. Upon further questioning because she got more upset than normal with a punishment, she said she kept saying I like your ear rings. You have to give them to me. DD said She kept saying it Mama. I had to do it. She made me.

My DD is 6 and in the 1st grade. She is small for her size. Since the first bullying episode, she has been using the bathroom, both #1 and 2 in her pants at school on most days. Rarely does this at home. Never at night. Her dad and I are divorced, but are working together to resolve this.

I have been to the school this morning and have a meeting with the teacher in addition to the vp. Met w/vp this am and told her how concerned I was over my DD's safety at this school. School provides good education, but my child is obviously decompinsating and scared at school. I am ready to pull her out. VP has suggested a plan of more frequent bathroom breaks with parapro accompanyment (bullies are from another class) and will start 1 on 1 counseling ASAP. She will be more highly monitored in places like playground where she seems to be targeted.

Her step-mom will be going with me today if we can't get in touch with dad at work before the meeting. We want DD to know we are standing behind her and love her.

Oh yeah, something DD said that really concerned me, that I brought up is there is a rule of "no tattletaleing" in her class. This concerns me. She thinks when she is being picked at, someone takes something of hers or makes her uncomfortable, she cannot tell. I brought this up. This will also be addressed.

Advice or thoughts before I go into this afternoons meeting.

I'm sorry for what your DD is going through! It sounds like some rough kids in her class.

Go to the meeting with the facts sketched out like you have here. Outline the threats, and demands for money. Request to have your DD's earrings returned. Stress that your DD has regressed and it's because she is scared at school. Something needs to be done. The threats and harassment must stop. Here are your suggestions below.

#1. There is a difference between tattletelling and reporting. Request the teacher and/or the guidance counselor stress this to the class. It needs to be addressed, because not having the distinction explained has taken out a line of defense for your DD. Tattletelling is to get someone in trouble. Reporting is to keep someone safe (yes a person can get in trouble, but the emphasis is on safe) from bodily harm or being picked on.

#2. I would recommend to the principal the following: A. The counseling should be for the bullies. They are the root of the problem. There should be a class by the counselor given to the bullies on how to cope and interact appropriately with students. The principal should be part of this session. He needs to tell the class the consequences for bullying and that it will not be tolerated. B. There should also be a class on bullying given to your DD's class, given by the guidance counselor. She should pull in ranks so to speak. Get all of the children on the same page. Bullying is not acceptable and if you see it, you should report it. Peer pressure on the bully does work. This needs to be addressed by both the principal and the guidance counselor to the class.

Also, while in the meeting write down what actions are agreed upon, and request a time frame for when the actions will take place. And request a follow up call or e-mail (e-mail is best for documentation).


Good luck with it all. Please keep us posted.

 

[Mermaid02]

Is there any way you can homeschool the rest of the year? I would pull her out. The bullying and humiliation of having soiled herself are going to destroy her self esteem in my opinion. Kids can be rotten and for some reason your child has been designated "the one" to pick on.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

You're getting great advice so I just wanted to give you hugs and send my best. And kudos to you, your ex and the Stepmom for working together as a team.

 

[Darsa]

IMHO, I think pulling her out of school at this point might be a mistake. Truly I think it would be like "giving in" to these bullies, and teaching them that they CAN get what they want by bullying. And it may also teach her DD that avoiding an issue is best, which could be harmful.

Your poor little girl, I am so sorry that she's going through this. I hope that it's resolved, and I'm thinking that once she's able to get herself straightened out the "poopy pants" thing will be forgotten quickly.

I ended up quitting school due to bullying and lack of teacher/counselor assistance. This was in 10th grade; I ended up with a GED and extremely negative memories of my schooling. I regret missing out on all of the things highschoolers are able to experience but if the same thing happened to me, I'd leave again. I am SO glad that schools have finally decided to take a more proactive hand in the handling of bullies.

 

[java]

Our school system has a huge anti bullying campaign. (Not that it always working though- ) But the one thing they drill into their heads is that TELL AN ADULT! The follow through has to be there. In first grade tattling and this are a hard thing to get them to understand.

If someone is hurting you or threatening you you TELL! That's a danger. And it's time to nip it all in the bud.

The bathroom stuff seems maybe she is afraid of going to the bathroom at risk of bumping into the bullies.
and time to teach your daughter that there is safety in numbers. Hang with your friends at lunch. Make sure she has a buddy that she feels comfortable with. Someone that will have her back.

good luck and I am sorry. It's got to be painful to see your daughter fearful.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

First off I am really sorry that you are going through this. I don't know if my suggestions are going to be as popular as others, but I would like to try anyhow.

Child #1 definetely bullied your daughter. This upset her immensely. You state she is small and she if probably well aware of this. Seeing your "bully" everyday puts a stress on a small child. This is where the "accidents" come in to play. I believe (and this is where I differ from everyone else) that Child #2 was just being a normal 6yo. - I like your earrings. Can I see your earings? Can I have your earings? Please, please, can I have them? Come on, please? She wore your daughter down since she was already in a state of fear from Bully #1.

I would reccommend asking for counseling at school, a possibility of outside counseling, long talks with your daughter about self-esteem etc, books to reinforce how important she is, and working with the teacher. I like the buddy system to the bathroom and would also like to see a lunch room table where your daughter feels comfortable with the kids at the table.

Finally, even though we didn't go this route a few friends of mine have signed their children (small and bullied) up to Tae Kwon Do. It teaches so much more than self defense. It teaches self respect for yourself and for others. It gives the child a sense of empowerment without the "push" to retaliate.

Once again, I am really sorry your daughter is going through this and I hope that it straightens out quickly, and no I wouldn't take my child out of school for this.

 

[lovetoscrap]

I have nothing much to add from what has already been said, except to say how wonderful it is to hear that you and the stepmother and Dad are staying on the exact same page on this and are all willing to work TOGETHER to support her. I think that will make a huge difference in helping her to get through this. to your DD. I hope things get better.

 

[Scurvy]

Child #1 definetely bullied your daughter. This upset her immensely. You state she is small and she if probably well aware of this. Seeing your "bully" everyday puts a stress on a small child. This is where the "accidents" come in to play. I believe (and this is where I differ from everyone else) that Child #2 was just being a normal 6yo. - I like your earrings. Can I see your earings? Can I have your earings? Please, please, can I have them? Come on, please? She wore your daughter down since she was already in a state of fear from Bully #1.

I was thinking this as well. OP, do you know if Child 2 actually threatened your daughter? I wouldn't consider repeatedly asking for the earrings (or even saying "You have to give me your earrings") to be bullying. It's a normal phase for some kids to go through, especially the bossy ones. If the child threated your daughter that's definitely bullying, but otherwise I don't think it is. Your daughter needs to know that she doesn't have to do something just because another child tells her to. She needs to know it's okay to say "No". The other child shouldn't have asked for the earrings, and shouldn't have said your daughter had to give them to her, but I wouldn't label her a bully if that's all she did.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I am asking for advice with my daughter and school. I was at the school meeting with the vice principal for the second time this morning about my daughter being bullied. This is the second time within a month. By two different children.

The first one was trying to get money out of her. I accidentally overheard her frantically searching for her money saying if I don't give this girl on the playground my $10 she will crush me. I was in my room on the phone when she said this and just overheard her thinking aloud.

I was at the school the next morning and met with the vp, she assured me she would meet with DD and bully and it would be stopped. It was promptly handled that day. I was satisfied with handling of it. DD said girl spent day in time out room and also brought home letter of apology.

Fast forward to last night. My son noticed the ear rings he bought his sister were missing from her ears. When I asked her where they were, she said she gave them to a girl at school. That was all she said. I got upset. She was punished. Upon further questioning because she got more upset than normal with a punishment, she said she kept saying I like your ear rings. You have to give them to me. DD said She kept saying it Mama. I had to do it. She made me.

My DD is 6 and in the 1st grade. She is small for her size. Since the first bullying episode, she has been using the bathroom, both #1 and 2 in her pants at school on most days. Rarely does this at home. Never at night. Her dad and I are divorced, but are working together to resolve this.

I have been to the school this morning and have a meeting with the teacher in addition to the vp. Met w/vp this am and told her how concerned I was over my DD's safety at this school. School provides good education, but my child is obviously decompinsating and scared at school. I am ready to pull her out. VP has suggested a plan of more frequent bathroom breaks with parapro accompanyment (bullies are from another class) and will start 1 on 1 counseling ASAP. She will be more highly monitored in places like playground where she seems to be targeted.

Her step-mom will be going with me today if we can't get in touch with dad at work before the meeting. We want DD to know we are standing behind her and love her.

Oh yeah, something DD said that really concerned me, that I brought up is there is a rule of "no tattletaleing" in her class. This concerns me. She thinks when she is being picked at, someone takes something of hers or makes her uncomfortable, she cannot tell. I brought this up. This will also be addressed.

Advice or thoughts before I go into this afternoons meeting.

I think child #2 saying "you have to give them to me", was bullish. Now whether she was a tag along bully, seeing that this worked with child #1 remains to be seen. Maybe not. But most children are not going to tell a child you "have" to give it to me. We don't know what if anything accompanied that demand. We do know that the OP's DD was worn down by bully #1 and maybe child #2 knew it and acted accordingly. It isn't out of the realm of possibility. Kids do imitate good and bad behaviors that work. I would tend to lump the two children together. That's just me, because the MO is similar. Just my .02.

Anyway, the larger issue is bullying in general. I would definitely request an action plan. I would ask about their existing plans for bullies. Is it a zero tolerance, and how is it enforced? I would share my (meaning yours) suggestions with them as well. OP, I think it's good advice to have your DD talk with the counselor (in addition to the counselor working with the bullies).

I think the teacher should be present for your meeting with the principal. I would request that the bullies not go to the RR at the same time as your DD. This is doable. Or have a monitor go with your DD. The buddy system might work, but the bullies need to be curtailed on the teacher's end too.

I would want to know what the teacher has observed and what has been done thus far in the classroom. I would request a more diligent monitoring of the bullies especially on the playground and with RR breaks.

OP, I also think it's good advice to get your child some self-defense classes or give some tips on how to get out of a jam. Here are a few I passed on to my children:

1.) Raise your voice. Say, "Ow Brittany, that really hurt!!!". Say it loud enough for the teacher to hear you. Get her attention. She will step in.

2.) On the playground if the children are picking on her, tell her to run near the teacher. If the kids aren't very clever they will continue and get themselves in trouble. If they are aware of the teacher's watchful eye, your DD will get a reprieve. Tell her to stay within the teacher's view. That will help. (This is in addition to reporting the bullying behavior.)

3.) If the bully is harassing, again raise your voice, Say, "That was not very nice, Brittany!!". Get the teacher's attention.

If I think of any more tips, I'll pass them along. HTH.

 

[ogreenlee]

My DD is six, too. Last year, there was this bully in her friend's class that was always causing trouble. This year, school starts.. and I see that we're free of this kid. Her friend is also free of this kid. Good start.

Then a few weeks ago, my DD said that Meanie (not her name, but rhymes with it, and you'd die if you knew what it was..) was being mean to a few of the kids the other day. Well I had assumed it was on the playground, so I told my DD.. well stay away from Meanie when you go to recess. She said, "But we were in the classroom." My jaw hit the floor. Crossing my fingers, I say to her.. "Were you doing specials together?" Nope.

She had caused too many problems for that other class and was moved into my DD's class. My little girl said that Meanie was trying to be friends with her. I told her that as long as she was being nice to other kids, that would be fine. I then told her that if Meanie starts bullying other kids then she has to stop being friends with her and to let her know why. She got this worried look on her face as if she knew that she'd be Meanie's target if that were to happen.

Well, I went to the school the day before Halloween to help out. As soon as I got there, Meanie got in trouble and was standing there crying. Everyone looked at this as a regular thing and ignored her. Not me, I was paying attention, but from afar. I watched as she looked around crying with no one looking, crying louder and more obnoxiously... still nothing. Then her eyes made their way over to me. I was staring right at her with a look of "I see what you're up to" on my face. She immediately stopped crying and and walked back to her seat. Do you know that she did this again before I left for the day? I asked my DD if she cried a lot at school, and my DD sighs.. "all.the.time".

So apparently she bullies, gets in trouble for it, cries and repeats.

The other day I'm there as copy mom and another teacher passed by this kindergartener that was walking with her teacher crying. I happen to be in the hall at the same time, and heard the one teacher say to the kindy teacher... "Is that Meanie's little sister?" She looked just like her and had her hair fixed the exact same way." I didn't see the kindy teacher's response, but I gave a look of "Oh God" to the teacher who said it, who looked back at me with "No doubt" on her face.

What do you do with these types of kids? It was at that moment (seeing the sister) that I felt sorry for these girls instead of irritation with them.

You KNOW this comes from the home.

 

[pls5286]

Thanks for all of your advice. The meeting got put off until tomorrow as DDs teacher is not at school today. The vp did not know that when she scheduled the meeting this morning. I did talk to the VP and my DD does have the ear rings back.

It seems as it is a case of "I like those ear rings you I want you to give them to me. I want them". This is how the school is describing it to me.

I talked to step-mom and my mom, have not talked to ex-husb today. We are wondering is DD is so vulnerable from the earlier bullying episode, that she is just doing what every kid tells her Me, her dad, and step-mom are going to have a talk tonight, and get everything together before going into the conference tomorrow.

 

[Scurvy]

We are wondering is DD is so vulnerable from the earlier bullying episode, that she is just doing what every kid tells her Me, her dad, and step-mom are going to have a talk tonight, and get everything together before going into the conference tomorrow.

I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case. My son was bullied for a while, and it took a long time to finally convince him that he could say "No" to people without negative consequences after that. He also had a teacher who didn't allow "tattle tales" and he still has trouble approaching a teacher if he has a problem with another student.

Hopefully you and the teachers can get on the same page with this and find a way to get her to stand up for herself when necessary, and to ask a teacher for help when she needs to. I think it's wonderful that you and her dad and stepmother are presenting a united front on this - I imagine it will probably make her feel much more secure to know that you are all behind her. Good luck!

 

[itsheresomewhere]

Just a thought, but can you call any women safety courses around you and see if they can give a private lesson for you, step- mom and DD about saying no. Then your DD won't feel singled out and it will reinforce that step mom and you are behind her. They can help show her how the power of the word no. It might really help her confidence.

 

[dismom2]

I'm sorry for what your DD is going through! It sounds like some rough kids in her class.

Go to the meeting with the facts sketched out like you have here. Outline the threats, and demands for money. Request to have your DD's earrings returned. Stress that your DD has regressed and it's because she is scared at school. Something needs to be done. The threats and harassment must stop. Here are your suggestions below.

#1. There is a difference between tattletelling and reporting. Request the teacher and/or the guidance counselor stress this to the class. It needs to be addressed, because not having the distinction explained has taken out a line of defense for your DD. Tattletelling is to get someone in trouble. Reporting is to keep someone safe (yes a person can get in trouble, but the emphasis is on safe) from bodily harm or being picked on.

#2. I would recommend to the principal the following: A. The counseling should be for the bullies. They are the root of the problem. There should be a class by the counselor given to the bullies on how to cope and interact appropriately with students. The principal should be part of this session. He needs to tell the class the consequences for bullying and that it will not be tolerated. B. There should also be a class on bullying given to your DD's class, given by the guidance counselor. She should pull in ranks so to speak. Get all of the children on the same page. Bullying is not acceptable and if you see it, you should report it. Peer pressure on the bully does work. This needs to be addressed by both the principal and the guidance counselor to the class.

Also, while in the meeting write down what actions are agreed upon, and request a time frame for when the actions will take place. And request a follow up call or e-mail (e-mail is best for documentation).


Good luck with it all. Please keep us posted.

Great post

My dd had a bully at school once who was the daughter of a teacher at the school--that was more challenging. When I spoke to her, she told me her daugher "was really sweet"....sigh. I have noticed, also, that the playground monitors don't always do their job. I've been out there (after eating lunch with my child) and watched how one monitor told everybody to "quit tattling", and told people (including my dd once) to "just go talk to the girl" (the bully). What the heck kind of advise is that? On another post a while back I mentioned that another bully's parent(s) could not be reached because they had no current phone numbers to call and talk to anybody about their fowl-mouthed child who was harrassing kids and parents.
Keep up with the school until you get satisfaction. I had an old retired elementary principal tell me once that schools get scared when you threaten to go to the school board, and that using those words will get you more action if there is a problem. Good luck and hugs to your child. I hope it gets better, and soon.

Just wanted to add: I had a child take my daughters earrings, too. Never did get them back...I just told my dd to NOT let anyone talk her into giving them her belongings. So far, it hasn't happened again, but I know how peer pressure can be hard for so many kids.