Asking adult child to pay towards household expenses

[abbyandangel]

My child is 27 with a good job. Still living at home. Spends at least $500 a month eating out and likely much more. Graduated with a masters degree and no debt because we saved money and contributed to the expenses. Bought a brand new vehicle with cash. Pays for friends expenses on group trips and eating out. I am feeling priced out of Disney vacations and have started thinking that I should ask for a monthly contribution to the household expenses such as utilities. It does kinda bother me that friends are financially subsidized but I pay all the household expenses. I feel a bit weird asking for money so I can go on vacation. Anyone find themselves in this situation? I could use some advice on the right thing to do.

 

[happily single]

You are not asking your ADULT child to subsidize your vacation, you are requesting your ADULT child contribute to the household. I “charge” all of my children an extremely reasonable amount of rent. All work and have minimal other expenses. There is absolutely zero reason an able bodied adult living in your home should not be contributing to the household.

 

[brockash]

My child is 27 with a good job. Still living at home. Spends at least $500 a month eating out. Graduated with a masters degree and no debt because we saved money and contributed to the expenses. Bought a brand new vehicle with cash. Pays for friends expenses on group trips. I am feeling priced out of Disney vacations and have started thinking that I should ask for a monthly contribution to the household expenses such as utilities. It does kinda bother me that friends are financially subsidized but I pay all the household expenses. I feel a bit weird asking for money so I can go on vacation. Anyone find themselves in this situation? I could use some advice on the right thing to do.

You're not asking so you can go on vacation. You're asking because she's 27 and shouldn't be a freeloader. You 100% should be having her pay a decent amount towards bills and rent. IMO, she should have been paying something since she was at least done with her BA or even after graduating HS. - Not saying it had to be a lot, but something.

 

[georgina]

I agree. She should be paying toward household expenses and rent or move out and find her own place. A good job, new car, no debt - you are being taken advantage of.

 

[fla4fun]

I started paying rent to my parents when I graduated HS and even gave myself rent increases. I didn’t care what they spent the money on, whether it was household expenses or travel. Don’t feel guilty for setting some boundaries that it sounds like your child can easily afford.

 

[Imzadi]

You are not asking your ADULT child to subsidize your vacation, you are requesting your ADULT child contribute to the household. I “charge” all of my children an extremely reasonable amount of rent. All work and have minimal other expenses. There is absolutely zero reason an able bodied adult living in your home should not be contributing to the household.

OP, start the conversation saying how proud you are of her and how she's grown into a great adult. That she's got her masters, great job, car, etc., and is able to take care of herself. NOW, it's past time she start contributing to household expenses.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Your daughter should be moving out on her own and she should have been contributing something for many years at this point prior to moving out. Your vacation budget isn't her concern nor should it.

 

[SpaceMan5]

My child is 27 with a good job. Still living at home. Spends at least $500 a month eating out and likely much more. Graduated with a masters degree and no debt because we saved money and contributed to the expenses. Bought a brand new vehicle with cash. Pays for friends expenses on group trips and eating out. I am feeling priced out of Disney vacations and have started thinking that I should ask for a monthly contribution to the household expenses such as utilities. It does kinda bother me that friends are financially subsidized but I pay all the household expenses. I feel a bit weird asking for money so I can go on vacation. Anyone find themselves in this situation? I could use some advice on the right thing to do.

OMG. My wife and I are also being taken advantage of. A little bit different but nonetheless, still being taken advantage of.

Entitlement, We are the enablers.

 

[tvguy]

I have the opposite problem. Our 33 year old daughter moved back home for two months as she is selling her house and did not want to deal with people touring her house while she is home. She's going back to school in Germany for three years. She is a Costco member. We have too much food. Why does a 33 year old woman living along buy a 3 pack of 44 ounce bottles of Heinz catsup? 2 five pound bags of oatmeal? 2 4.5 pound bags of chocolate chips? A 2 pound bottle of onion powder?

 

[disykat]

I agree with everyone. You are overextending your own budget to subsidize someone who has plenty of money. Why? Any fully grown, capable and employed member of the household should be contributing to their portion of the expense of the household.

You are not expecting the adult child to pay for your vacation, you are expecting them to cover the increased expenses of another person living in the home so you don't have to give up vacations in an expensive economy.

One of our children lived at home for about a year after college while he job hunted and got more training. I always track our budget and it did definitely increase our food and to a lesser degree our utility costs. We didn't charge him since it was short term, but he did some jobs for us and for his grandparents that would have cost us time and money so he actually contributed more than he cost us. He seemed very aware that he had a "free ride" for a while and we could tell he made an effort to contribute in other ways.

On a side note, he's been gone for several years and not only do we miss him, we miss his streaming services that were on our tvs!

 

[neverlandsky]

What we're doing is we found the average price for a 1-bedroom apartment and we'll be charging 1/4 of that rent 6 months post graduating college or turning 21 not in college. That way they are contributing to the household, yet hopefully saving money at the same time. Need to move out by 25 years old.

 

[ronandannette]

There’s another aspect of this as well, and it’s the fact that you mention being squeezed by the everyday reality of the COL. Clearly your adult offspring has no clue about this because (s)he has been complete insulated from it. It’s past time. And let’s also remember that taking responsibility for oneself financially is empowering and a vital aspect of maturity.

Remember where you were and what you were doing at that age? The person you’re describing sounds like a 27 y.o. adolescent and that’s probably not what either of you really want. Best case scenario is for the person to get out and start their own independent life. Until that happens, start charging rent tomorrow.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

she's grown into a great adult.

Your daughter

OP never said it was a daughter, just an "adult child".

 

[bsmcneil]

When I read the title of the thread, I thought, "Oh no, when my kids get to that age, I wouldn't charge them" because in my head, I assumed this was either someone who had just turned 18 (it happens, sadly) or maybe is in their early 20s and things have been a struggle in terms of jobs, education, health, etc.

So then I read the post.

Yeah, no - I think they should be contributing financially. It might be a good idea to ask them what they feel is fair, given expenses/income, etc (not to do that - but so they start considering expense/income ratios) - and it might be a good idea to start easing into it (1st 3 months, they're paying 33% of expected amount, then 67%, then the total amount).

I think there are two issues at play - one is (the major one - and this is from a parent of younger kids who knows I'm doing this poorly and I realize you're not per se - but this is my own issue) teaching them how to be an adult. Living expenses come with adulthood. And the second is the financial impact on you (increased costs, etc) and/or the fact that you're subsidizing their life and unable to do what you'd like. If you're in a financial position to do it, some people/places do the same building up to 100% of living expenses - but save some or all of what the kid is giving and gives it back to them as a deposit for their first place, etc. I am NOT saying you (or anyone) should do that - just that it's sometimes done.

 

[tvguy]

My child is 27 with a good job. Still living at home. Spends at least $500 a month eating out and likely much more. Graduated with a masters degree and no debt because we saved money and contributed to the expenses. Bought a brand new vehicle with cash. Pays for friends expenses on group trips and eating out. I am feeling priced out of Disney vacations and have started thinking that I should ask for a monthly contribution to the household expenses such as utilities. It does kinda bother me that friends are financially subsidized but I pay all the household expenses. I feel a bit weird asking for money so I can go on vacation. Anyone find themselves in this situation? I could use some advice on the right thing to do.

To your question. My parents told me I could come home anytime I wanted. I never did, but I never lived more than 6 miles away.
That was my mindset with my two kids. My son moved home for 3 years after college before moving in with his girlfriend (now wife). My daughter moved home for 4 years, while working, and saving for a down payment on a house. She has been in her house for 5 years, and she will be able to live on the profit on the sale of her house for many years. She has no idea if she will ever be back to live, maybe just to visit. Just depends what happens over the next 3 1/2 years. But she, and her brother will always be welcome in what is THEIR first home.
My wife had to pay rent AND clean house and she vowed she would NEVER do that to her kids. Her situation did prompt me to offer to pay rent to my parents. THAT almost got me thrown out. They felt that was an insult.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

Our kids don't pay rent and still live at home. They are 27 and 24 and both saving to buy homes. I tell them to sock it all away now because they will never be able to save like they can right now. One has about $68k saved and the younger one around $32k.
Houses and rent are so crazy expensive. I don't mind helping them out this way so they can be homeowners much sooner. If they were pissing their money away, I wouldn't be so lenient.

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

Our kids don't pay rent and still live at home. They are 27 and 24 and both saving to buy homes. I tell them to sock it all away now because they will never be able to save like they can right now. One has about $68k saved and the younger one around $32k.
Houses and rent are so crazy expensive. I don't mind helping them out this way so they can be homeowners much sooner. If they were pissing their money away, I wouldn't be so lenient.

This is exactly our situation and thinking. Kids are 26 and 23 and both have graduated University debt free (we paid and scholarships) and hold good paying jobs. DD actually has one full time and still holds her part-time job of 9 years. As long as they are saving their money for a future home they live for free with us. They are very good at it and I would say they save at least 80% of their net income. We live in a major city with good public transportation so no car expenses yet. Dh and I figure this is a way to help them get ahead in life without it costing us anything aside from food. Even if they both moved out our expenses would not change. Now, if they are still with us when dh retires within a year or two things will change and they will be asked to contribute at least to food. I see this happening only with one as the older one is on the verge of moving out and buying a home with her partner.

 

[abbyandangel]

It is a she. Maybe someone figured that out from previous posts. She has been out of school and working for 3 years. Makes a little over 70k. Her accounts are still linked to mine. She has 15k between checking, savings, and a mm account. Her cc bills are 2-3k a month and she doesn’t have any bills that I am aware of. She has some friends and a boyfriend that work minimum wage jobs. She says they pay their way but I don’t believe it and she gets defensive. I don’t want to say to her that I know she’s pissing the money away because she gets mad. My husband and I are worried she will marry this guy who still lives at home and can’t keep a job. In the meantime I feel like I’m actually the one subsidizing these other grown adults. This has been going on since she turned 18 and started working so I don’t see how I’m going to change it. It’s good to hear from people not close to the situation. I know we all give a lot for our kids. I’m tired of giving a lot for other peoples kids. Maybe if I made her pay she would have less to spend on them. This situation sucks. I don’t know that having the “your friends are your friends because you pay for their good time” will help anymore now than it did in the past. Thanks for listening.

 

[tony67]

This is so common now its ridiculous. I get that the rent is too damn high and everything is unaffordable now and good jobs are much more scarce than people think.

When my kids turned 21 and were working full time they stared to pay their share of utilities and food.
Funny how these kids that stay home and mooch of their parents go on about people paying their fair share, but then don't want to pay their fair share. Typical....much easier to spend other peoples money.

To be fair..my kids work very hard.. harder than most IMO.. and go to school full time. One of them has two full time jobs and is going to school for a masters. Even making good money with two jobs, rent is still way too high - you have to eat and pay utilities etc... But when you are pursuing a degrees that wont pay more than the job you currently have it just does not make sense. They have this fantasy that "real" jobs are so much better - reality is they are not.

I have several friends and their kids live at home and they don't charge them. They also fund the kids vacations and are paying for doctorates and master degrees. It's ridiculous. They make me out to be a bad guy because I make them pay.


This was over 10 years ago...and it so much worse now:

 

[White Cat]

Why not charge her $2000 a month room and board? That’s a bargain. And if you get lucky she’ll move out.