Asking a friend to join your vacation

[MichiganKris]

I just invited one of my daughters friends along with us. When I asked her parents I explained exactly what I would pay and what they would be responsible for. In this case I decided to stay at a moderate instead of a deluxe and use that money to pay for my daughters friend so she will only be paying for the extras. I will pay airfare, park tickets and the dining plan. Anything outside of that she will be responsible for. I don't understand why you would ask a friend to pay a portion of the hotel room since you have to pay for that whether they go or not.

 

[winterwhite]

How is anybody being "forced"? That is so dramatic. LOL

Nobody is being forced to do anything. However, IF it is important to them to attend your wedding, you have now put them in the position of laying out a bunch of money for travel to a destination that maybe they would never have wanted to go to. It's a bit narcissistic to assume that because you picked the destination and you will be present, that everyone in your family would also enjoy it.

Some people with a lot of disposable income and time off from work don't mind. Others really would rather not be put in the position of missing your wedding or paying $$ for travel and giving up their vacation time for the year. Your mileage may vary but I had a destination wedding and many people do feel obligated to attend at their cost even if it is a stretch for them and I paid for those who expressed that they couldn't afford it.

 

[Bullseye]

I have a similar situation. We're going in June for my daughters birthday for 7 nights at CSR and she is bringing a friend. I asked her parents if they could pay $350.00 (basically the price of a 6 day ticket but I will be paying the additional for the hopper). They had no problem with it (that i know of). I told them not to send any extra money with her because we will get whatever else like meals, souvenirs, etc. After reading these replys now I feel bad for asking....

This is exactly what I was saying. Have the parents pay the airfare or park ticket ...that's not asking too much. It is their kid and you're inviting her to stay at a disney resort and chaperone so the girls can have a great time together! If my DD's friend offered to take her to WDW there's no way I would let them cover the whole nut....unless of course they were filthy rich . In which case I would see if I could come with too

 

[Lothlórien]

Nobody is being forced to do anything. However, IF it is important to them to attend your wedding, you have now put them in the position of laying out a bunch of money for travel to a destination that maybe they would never have wanted to go to. It's a bit narcissistic to assume that because you picked the destination and you will be present, that everyone in your family would also enjoy it.

You used the word forced, not me. That is quite dramatic. Maybe you have not been able to attend one and so perhaps you have negative feelings about them??

We have had quite a few friends and family members who have had destination weddings. NOBODY, not one single bride/groom, expected guests to fork over money and fly to Aruba/Malibu/Cabo/etc. They all said, "We are getting married in xxxxx, if you can make it, we would love for you to join us. If you can't, we hope you can join our wedding celebration party when we get back home." There is nothing narcissistic about that. Narcissism is having an excessive interest in oneself or appearance. Considering that the wedding is about the bride and the groom, I would say they are on track. Nobody is required to have a big wedding or invite guests.

 

[3smithboys]

I ask DH and DS (17) about this to get their input because DS (17) has expressed interest in bringing a friend the next time we all go away. I wanted to hear what they thought about the paying situation.... DS thought that if he invited his friend that his friend would be responsible for flight, tickets, and meal plan.... since we would already have a hotel room then he didn't think that we would charge his friend for that (and I agreed with that....) I told him that if as a family we planned on doing anything above and beyond (like a dessert party or Extra Magic Anything...) I would treat his friend to that since we decided to do that and it was an extra..... He thought that was fair and also nice to do...

I'm not sure if we are going to bring a friend with us on a trip, but he is getting to an age when he would really love to have someone to hang around with... It's also much easier for his younger brothers since they are identical twins - so they have a built in best friend!

 

[jenhum]

DD is an only child, so we may deal with this at some point. I personally feel that if you invite someone, you pay their expenses. Kind of like if you invite someone to dinner, you pay. BUT, if someone invited my DD on a trip with the stipulation of paying some expenses, I don't think I'd be offended. And I'd let her go if it was something I could afford. I also wouldn't feel bad saying no if it wasn't something I could afford. Everyone does things differently!

 

[KnittingMom]

The rules??? For you these are the rules. For others? Not always the case.

OP- Whenever we have asked kids to join our family on vacation we have paid the freight. TO be fair, we never went where airfare was involved.

I will say that no matter how well intentioned your invitation was, it is not a surprise that the parents have not responded yet. You asked them to allocate a large sum that did not include spending money, and I do not know many families who would not need time to discuss this.

I will also say that it is better they are thinking about it rather than agreeing and then dropping it in your lap.
I am going through something similar yet pretty different now. Last year we went on a pretty expensive trip, and offered to bring the two little girls on my street with us. We would pay all of their expenses. Now Mom wanted to kick in her share for her trip, and we agreed to that. By the end of the Summer, she had not saved one penny, so what she said she would pay was reduced to "how about paying for the family hoppers once we get to WDW. DH paid for two rooms at the Grand, club level, DDP on one room and DxDDP on the other so we would all have plenty of credits to take the kids to every Castle, character meal, as well as experiences for all the adults. He also bought all the girls spa treatments at Senses, paid airfare. My DD and I bought clothes for the kids. Mom managed to sav $300 fr spending.

Okay, everyone gets the ride with us one time, and we knew she meant well but did not really. Understand what Disney was.

FF to this year. Mom discusses a WDW with the kids, and asks us to go. I book a BB at POR so we have at least one room only discount. At Christmas we all discuss it, and Mom really wants CL again, but we need to change resorts. Okay, we will move to BC, Mom can enjoy Epcot while my DDIL and I take the kids to the parks, but Mom...CL is wicked expensive. Not this trip. Mom tells the kids! YAY! They are ecstatic, and have been working on goals Mom put into place as a condition to the vacation. Keep in mind DH and I always pay for the kids. All the kids expenses. HEre we are..... It is the end of April. Mom says she cannot afford Her share of the trip. How much can you afford? None of it. She dumps it in Dad's lap. Let Nana take the kids, they know about the trip. I cannot. So.... I am not committed to two rooms at the BC< my DS and DDIL are locked in, as am I with my DDIL....who is on her "free ride" with us. It is all riding on hoping Mom was able to guilt Dad into allowing his to girls to travel 1500 miles from home without a parent. It's a mess.

I am so upset. This is not about money any more. I have two little girls who I love as much as my own grand daughter (who along with my DD is planning to join us for a long weekend on this now trip from hell) who will not understand why they are not going with me if Dad says no. DH is fuming, and I know that even offering to pay Mom's way again is not the answer, she just does not want to go. And it was HER idea.

All of this long story is just to warn people that you never know who things wil turn out when money is involved, and when people want to back out of a commitment. It happens all the time.

I can only say I'm really sorry that this happened to you.

 

[KnittingMom]

Some of the confusion is resulting from the difference between "inviting someone to come along" and "inviting someone." At work, when a group goes to lunch on Friday, we are open to "inviting anyone around to come along" to the Friday lunch. Everyone understands that they will purchase their own lunch, and sit and chat together. But this is not the same thing as inviting someone out to lunch -- if a former colleague is in town, and I say, "Let me take you to lunch," then I'm buying her lunch. A "would your child like to come along to Disney with my child at a cost of $900" is not a true invitation. A destination wedding is a true invitation in that the guest is not being billed for the reception.

I myself would never do this sort of pseudo-invitation (even if it was all I could afford). There is little to no chance that another 15 year old girl is going to keep your daughter's surprise trip a secret, and if you end up travelling with the two girls, you will have very little time with your own child on your expensive trip. Go as a family -- family time is going to be more and more rare.

Years ago, I annoyed folks over wedding champagne. I found myself at a wedding reception at which the hosts provided a single bottle of champagne for the wedding party to drink at the toasts. (They clearly did not know that people do NOT drink a toast to themselves under any circumstances). Everyone else simply watched or took sips of their water. I thought it was a bad idea to ask people to drink a toast without pouring little plastic champagne glasses with sparkling cider or ginger ale or something, no matter how inexpensive. A friend of the bride said, "But they couldn't afford a champagne toast," and I said, "Then it was silly of the to pretend that they were having a champagne toast." If you cannot afford to invite a guest, then don't invite a guest. It's not rocket science.

 

[winterwhite]

You used the word forced, not me. That is quite dramatic. Maybe you have not been able to attend one and so perhaps you have negative feelings about them??

We have had quite a few friends and family members who have had destination weddings. NOBODY, not one single bride/groom, expected guests to fork over money and fly to Aruba/Malibu/Cabo/etc. They all said, "We are getting married in xxxxx, if you can make it, we would love for you to join us. If you can't, we hope you can join our wedding celebration party when we get back home." There is nothing narcissistic about that. Narcissism is having an excessive interest in oneself or appearance. Considering that the wedding is about the bride and the groom, I would say they are on track. Nobody is required to have a big wedding or invite guests.

You're still thinking about how the bride and groom feel, and not about how people who have been part of their lives for a long time and have now been asked to shell out a couple grand to see them get married, or miss something that (in theory) only happens once. I'd be pretty upset if my close family couldn't make it due to cost because I was bent on having a fancy wedding in the caribbean. Yeah, celebration party, whatever, I did that, it's not the same thing. You come back married, and people missed it, because of cost. A lot of guests, especially of the older generation, do find it rude to intentionally have a wedding your family can't attend. As I said, your mileage may vary. You are forcing guests to choose between missing your wedding, or taking a vacation to a destination chosen by someone else, at their cost. Poor form, IMO, regardless of the outcome.

I've been to several destination weddings, money and time off are not an issue for us, and I had one myself. I covered the cost for those I actually wanted to have there, because I wanted them there. I have no hard feelings about other people's destination weddings beyond that I think it's tacky to expect people to pay large sums of money to go to a luxury resort in a destination they may or may not have any desire to visit. I just understand the position that destination weddings put people in, and it is a poor position indeed especially if you're saying out of one side of your mouth that weddings are about family and friends, and then holding out the collection plate for airfare, hotel, apparel, oh and don't forget that gift, and well if you can't make it, your loss.

But then again, you did say that weddings are for the bride and groom, and I do not share that opinion.

 

[Ametista]

When I was 15 my BFF's family took me to Hawaii for 3 weeks and all I paid was airfare. Just sayin'. And, honestly if it was me, I know that when my son had a friend meet us at Busch Gardens (they were visiting at the same time, boys were 13) I barely saw my son at all that day so it just sucked for me. So I kind of imposed a "family only" rule for trips to Orlando.

 

[ReganlovesWDW]

It is so sad that the OP asked one question and was flamed for not doing as others thought she should.
I truly wish each of you that felt the need to respond in a negative way would take a step back and ask yourself if you would respond so haughtily if the OP was standing in front of you asking for input. It is quite easy to hide behind our little icons and deliver our sanctimonious replies but after reading all of this...if I were the OP, I would be quite hurt and wondering what I did wrong in planning such a special event. Please take a moment and practice some kindness in your delivery.

 

[Nancyg56]

I can only say I'm really sorry that this happened to you.

Thank you. It fell through. And here we go witht he "awkward" part.

You're still thinking about how the bride and groom feel, and not about how people who have been part of their lives for a long time and have now been asked to shell out a couple grand to see them get married, or miss something that (in theory) only happens once. I'd be pretty upset if my close family couldn't make it due to cost because I was bent on having a fancy wedding in the caribbean. Yeah, celebration party, whatever, I did that, it's not the same thing. You come back married, and people missed it, because of cost. A lot of guests, especially of the older generation, do find it rude to intentionally have a wedding your family can't attend. As I said, your mileage may vary. You are forcing guests to choose between missing your wedding, or taking a vacation to a destination chosen by someone else, at their cost. Poor form, IMO, regardless of the outcome.

I've been to several destination weddings, money and time off are not an issue for us, and I had one myself. I covered the cost for those I actually wanted to have there, because I wanted them there. I have no hard feelings about other people's destination weddings beyond that I think it's tacky to expect people to pay large sums of money to go to a luxury resort in a destination they may or may not have any desire to visit. I just understand the position that destination weddings put people in, and it is a poor position indeed especially if you're saying out of one side of your mouth that weddings are about family and friends, and then holding out the collection plate for airfare, hotel, apparel, oh and don't forget that gift, and well if you can't make it, your loss.

But then again, you did say that weddings are for the bride and groom, and I do not share that opinion.

But they kind of are for the bride and groom. I understand that extended family is important, and I would move Heaven and Earth to attend the weddings of my family members, but I do understand that when a couple decides on a destination for their wedding, they have also decided that they accept that there will be people they love and who love them who will need to decline.

You paid for your guests when their finances were such that they could not do so themselves, but your circumstances really are unique. I do not know one of my nieces and nephews who could take that task on in addition to paying for their own expenses.

My DGD says I'm old, and she may be right. I have had a few years to learn a thing or two, and one thing that I have learned the hard way , and that I value the most, is that because something is right for me does not mean it is right for you. Conversely, because it is right for you, does not mean it is right for others. One more thing I learned and wil toss in is that just because you can does not me that you should. This is "in general you".

 

[ChattaAlley]

Just for the record . . I do not think it is wrong to ask someone to pay for their child's vacation to Disney. I think $900 is a bit much and I think you may have had too much planned. Maybe you should have asked "if you allow your child to go, how much are you willing to pay" and go from there. When I went on vacations with friends I was never asked to pay anything but the food and extras.

I think you may like just having a mother/daughter trip. If she invited a friend they would probably run off and leave you.

 

[Mikie]

My kids and the neighbor I watch before school asked what I was reading so this became a breakfast conversation. I gave only the bare bones description of a trip, a friend, to pay or not to pay. FWIW, the wisdom among kids aged 8-11 in my house:
- that's so nice to invite a friend!
- it's not rude to ask her to pay some - that's an expensive treat!
- well, the friend shouldn't pay for ALL of her trip
- it's like when you have to pay for part of your field trip (I didn't tell them about a similar PP comment)
- eventually the kids decided it's okay for the host to ask the guest to pay as long as the host pays a big portion - about half
- finally - they actually said "I don't know if I'd want just my friend on the vacation (the two girls talking are best friends) maybe if their whole famiLy was going too. . . What if we fight or what if she misses her dad?" Needless to say, I'll try to appreciate this while it lasts, before they're teenagers who can't wait to get away

 

[MariMama]

If I invited one of my daughters friends on our trip then I would pay for whole trip...(excluding spending money) in my opinion if You cant afford to pay for her friend then you shouldnt even ask

We invite, we pay for everything but spending money. If we can't afford another person, our child isn't allowed to ask a friend to come along.

 

[suemom2kay]

Mom of an only child here. The way I look at inviting a friend on vacation is more for my child and our vacation than the invited kid. I also treat vacation the same as if they were staying at my house. I would not charge room and board so lodging/dining is on me. Activities/Airfare is on the kid. That's what we did on our last vacation. I paid for dining plan and our room of course. Kid paid for her park tickets. If I were planning on attending a party, I would have paid for that as well. I get it WDW is expensive, but your 16yo will have a lot more fun with her friend at WDW than her parents.

 

[erij11]

My DD16 brought a friend on our July 2015 trip. She was talking about the trip with her friend and told me how much this friend would like to go but the parents weren't interested in going....ever! So I approached the parent with something like this: our kids are talking about your child going on our Disney trip this summer. Is this something you would even consider? And if so, would you be able to pay for the park ticket and spending money and I will pay for all food, lodging (we already had a 3BR timeshare reserved) and any extra activities we do? We drove so airfare wasn't an issue. It worked out great. Parents bought the park hopper and gave spending money. I also bought souvenirs for her friend. Trip was awesome for all.

 

[BusyP76]

I don't ever want to invite friends to come with us because we get so little family time where we are unplugged from the world. BUT should I ever decide to let my kids bring an extra person to WDW, I would only do so if I could afford their food, lodging and park tickets along with any extra event our family will attend (MNSSHP, Wishes cruise, desert party, La Nouba etc). I would expect them to bring their own souvineer money. We usually fly and I may or may not ask for the airfare depending on the friend and the situation. For instance: "Yes, you may invite a friend along on our family trip but they will need airfare and spending money" vs "I would love to take you and your BFF to WDW for your birthday, my treat."

But as most things are, that's just my personal comfort level and every situation is different.

 

[jimim]

I don't think you should feel bad about that at all. Before I asked the girl's mom, I ran the idea by multiple people that I know personally. I did not receive a single negative comment from any of them. Every single one of them thought it was an awesome idea. Unfortunately, people on this board have a knack for taking something nice and making you feel like dirt about it. This is, for some reason, the only Disney board that I know of that people are so negative on.

I think also people won't tell you to your face the response you don't want to hear these days.

The Internet is a funny place. People shoot out exactly how they feel be it positive or negative.

I personally don't know what I would do in your case. I would feel bad asking someone for money if I was taking their kid bout would prob hope they would send money. Lol.

why is the trip so much for 4 days? Only thing I can guess is cause u r staying at the gf or poly or another deluxe.

If that is the case As a parent and knowing Disney I would be saying u are asking my kid to go and staying at such an expensive place why not stay somewhere cheaper so it will be less of a burden on my needed to pay for my kid to go with ur kid. I also would be saying that my kid doesn't need the meal plan cause they don't eat that much. So

Maybe my take on this even though I said above I don't know what I would do. I would pay for he room and meal plan cause those are items that can be cut down to make the trip cheaper and I would ask the parents to pay for the air and park ticket and spending money. I thinks fair if we talking a deluxe room and meal plan. Again I say those cause they can be controlled to be cheaper but u r picking to upgrade to these. Oh same with the party stuff

 

[minniemous]

I don't think you should feel bad about that at all. Before I asked the girl's mom, I ran the idea by multiple people that I know personally. I did not receive a single negative comment from any of them. Every single one of them thought it was an awesome idea. Unfortunately, people on this board have a knack for taking something nice and making you feel like dirt about it. This is, for some reason, the only Disney board that I know of that people are so negative on.

Not trying to be negative....Simply do not agree with the idea of ever inviting someone on a trip and not paying for it. That is part of the issue in your question that your definitely put out there. I am sure you intention was in no way selfish so that is not what I am trying to say.

You mentioned you had to scrimp and save for this special trip for you daughter's birthday. So I think the question is if you received that same exact invitation from another friend of your daughters would you be excited and happily reach into your pocket to hand out $900 to make that friend's birthday extra special? Would you feel good about telling your daughter... I am sorry but you can not go? If not then I say do not put someone else in that situation. I personally would not like that so I would never do it to another.

If you were doing them a favor in that they could never afford a family trip but they would like their daughter to be able to go and you of course know them well enough to know this to be the case.... then great. Kicking $200 for the benefit of making your daughter's birthday more special and doing them a favor would be fine. I know it is a moot point as you stated but I do like hearing everyones thoughts.

Also for the record it is so hard to write anything that is not in agreement with the OP and come off non judgmental. No matter what people write other than "I completely agree with you" comes off as negative. Yes some definitely relish the controversy but most really are just are giving their opinion which is what you asked for....I used to also misread perfectly innocent disagreement as negative and attacking.