Asked to be bridesmaids again

[marie1203]

Last Sep I was a bridesmaid for SIL. I had to spend $300 on the dress, plus nails, hair,etc. MIL got mad when we didn't fly in for the shower which was 2 weeks before the wedding and DH had just gotten back from deployment. DH was a groomsman all together we end up spending $900 more than if we just went to the wedding. All that and by december they were getting divorce . BIL got engaged last weekend and no one saw it coming, because he is not the commitment kind of guy and right now he is dating someone 10 year younger than him that already has a kid. Well she asked me to be her bridesmaid and DH is the best man. I don't really know her very well so I thought i was odd. Now BIL was dating someone else less than a year ago and they were also planning a wedding for next June. We are going to spend much more money in this wedding since DH is best man. Ugh it is the worst timing too because next June we will be moving .

 

[kittychatalot]

My bro is getting married- and although we are all over the moon about it- I am glad they are having a small wedding with just her bestie as maid of honor and my hubby and my bro's best man. I have to fly up for a pre- shower planning session, then the bachelor party and shower, and then the wedding. i am glad I don't have to buy a dress too! it is hard when it is family like your situation- you can't say no to family.

 

[annsteere]

DD got married last May. Rather than a useless gift to the bridesmaids she paid for their dresses. Can you suggest that as an option?

DS is getting married this fall. DD will be bridesmaid and DS-in-love is the best man. But, they won't be flying down for any pre-wedding parties. His fiancee understands that they don't live in FL. That really is asking for a lot.

 

[Sadie22]

I made my wedding dress and the dress of the bridesmaids who couldn't sew. My maid of honor made her own dress. For my maid of honor's wedding, I made my bridesmaid's dress and the maid of honor made her own dress. The weddings were beautiful and no one went into debt.

Frankly, there's nothing wrong with saying, "We'd love to stand up with you but we can't afford both the expensive dress and airfare to the wedding, and our presence will be our gift to you." Family should understand. Yes, you do sometimes need to say no to family. Marriage is not all about the wedding, and you do not need to bankrupt yourselves for someone else's wedding day and other parties.

 

[Bren's Mom]

Frankly, there's nothing wrong with saying, "We'd love to stand up with you but we can't afford both the expensive dress and airfare to the wedding, and our presence will be our gift to you." Family should understand. Yes, you do sometimes need to say no to family. Marriage is not all about the wedding, and you do not need to bankrupt yourselves for someone else's wedding day and other parties.

Yes, and in this case you hardly know the bride. If your dh needs to do it for his brother, I get that and I would push for that. But I would say you're very honored and pleased to be asked but cannot say yes.

 

[crisi]

Say no. Say "I'm really honored, but with DH in the wedding, its going to stretch our budget." Or, "I'm really honored, but I've been in plenty of weddings - you probably have a girlfriend you'd rather have than your fiancee's sister in law."

Often brides feel about as trapped by family politics to ask as you feel trapped to accept.

 

[marie1203]

I so wish I would have said no, but it was such a surprise and then she asked I wasn't thinking straight I was just trying to process the news. It is not that we can't afford it. It is more that I rather put that money somewhere else, because I don't know her that well and I know this is terrible to say but I do not think their marriage would last long because of how BIL is . The way I see it is she is more like a stranger than even a friend I seen her 2 times of course they only been dating 10 months.
DH already told him that he won't make it to all the pre wedding events because we will be moving and he needs to help me with that and can't just take off.

 

[Kellydelly]

You don't have to say yes . I wouldn't want to be in a wedding for someone I wasn't close to.

 

[crisi]

I so wish I would have said no, but it was such a surprise and then she asked I wasn't thinking straight I was just trying to process the news. It is not that we can't afford it. It is more that I rather put that money somewhere else, because I don't know her that well and I know this is terrible to say but I do not think their marriage would last long because of how BIL is . The way I see it is she is more like a stranger than even a friend I seen her 2 times of course they only been dating 10 months.
DH already told him that he won't make it to all the pre wedding events because we will be moving and he needs to help me with that and can't just take off.

"I can't afford it" is code for "I choose not to afford it."

Call her and talk to her about it. Seriously. She's probably got a girlfriend or a cousin hurt over not getting chosen and she's saying "but I had to pick my future sister in law or the family would be hurt." Let her know that you'll do it if saying no is going to put her in a spot, but if she only asked you because she thought she had to, your feelings won't be hurt if she picks someone else.

i.e. make it about HER. "You know, it occurs to me that you probably just asked me because you thought you had to, and you probably have friends of your own you'd rather have stand up for you...."

 

[dakcp2001]

Being a bridemaid is awful. I come from a big family with lots of cousins. After suffering through it several times and spending fortunes and it never seems good enough. The drama is too much. I tell you my BEST friend in the whole world is the only one I will consider it for again. I am not having bridesmaids in my wedding, although I am tempted as payback. lol.

I do not enjoy being a bridesmaid, I politely decline. I just say I am honored to be asked bit I can't make it work right now. It is so nice just to be a guest!

One bridezilla planned herself a 200 guest catered shower and a trip to vegas at our expense. There were 6 bridesmaids, but that was a small fortune when I was in college.

 

[dakcp2001]

"I can't afford it" is code for "I choose not to afford it."

Call her and talk to her about it. Seriously. She's probably got a girlfriend or a cousin hurt over not getting chosen and she's saying "but I had to pick my future sister in law or the family would be hurt." Let her know that you'll do it if saying no is going to put her in a spot, but if she only asked you because she thought she had to, your feelings won't be hurt if she picks someone else.

i.e. make it about HER. "You know, it occurs to me that you probably just asked me because you thought you had to, and you probably have friends of your own you'd rather have stand up for you...."

I choose not to. Ever.

 

[RachaelA]

Call her and tell her you went over your finances and you just cannot afford for both you and your DH to be in wedding and you are going to have to drop out/decline.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

There is no reason for you to be a bridesmaid, so simply decline. (She may be just trying to "fill numbers" or "even things out" which isn't a good reason to ask someone to be a bridesmaid.)

Let DH decide if he wishes to be Best Man.

I like the idea of the bride paying for dresses. I hadn't done that, but would have done so if I had thought to--it just seems that it would be the right thing to do.

 

[horseshowmom]

DD got married last May. Rather than a useless gift to the bridesmaids she paid for their dresses. Can you suggest that as an option?

DS is getting married this fall. DD will be bridesmaid and DS-in-love is the best man. But, they won't be flying down for any pre-wedding parties. His fiancee understands that they don't live in FL. That really is asking for a lot.

We paid for DD's bridesmaids' dresses (they just wore white shoes that they already had), and her husband paid for the groomsmen tuxes. We also rented a B&B for them to stay in.

I know it's the custom for these people to pay for their own stuff, but I have just never understood asking people to spend large sums of money on somebody else's wedding. Back in the old days (a long time ago! ) when I was in weddings it was a pretty simple affair - just have a dress made and that was about it. Now, you're supposed to host all these activities and spend large sums on dresses, shoes, etc.

I do realize that there's no way you can actually suggest this the bride since bride's seldom spend anywhere near on gifts what the wedding party spends.

 

[LaurenLC]

I always think it’s wrong how much money it costs you to be in a wedding party. When we got married my husband and I paid for our wedding parties clothing. I think it's ridiculous to ask people to spend $500+ for one day.

 

[bumbershoot]

Frankly, there's nothing wrong with saying, "We'd love to stand up with you but we can't afford both the expensive dress and airfare to the wedding, and our presence will be our gift to you." Family should understand.

I agree.



But I don't stand up for someone when I don't support the marriage. And how could you support it, since you have such misgivings about your BIL? And since you hardly know her? But you can't say that to people, and you might not agree with my philosophy on it, so if you cannot afford it, you just have to be honest about that.

I think it's ridiculous to ask people to spend $500+ for one day.

Well not everyone asks for that. My b'maids paid $70 for a top and not all that much for my MOH to make a skirt (I bought the fabric). They talked amongst themselves about shoes. Another b'maid made jewelry because she wanted to. MOH did host a shower, but it was very small, at her house, and simple.

And all of that was their choice...I *wanted* them to just wear dresses they already had, but they REFUSED to do that, seemed too complicated to them. And I'm not a huge fan of showers, especially attending them, so if they would have skipped it I would have been happy enough.


And if I'd agreed to be a b'maid but the expenses got to be too much, I would back out.

 

[PigletsPal2]

When my MOH got married two months after I did, I was her Matron of Honor. She selected the dresses and her parents paid for all four of them...except, they really paid for six! I was taller than the other bridesmaids and so skinny at the time and a dress long enough was huge and couldn't be altered properly, so the mother bought two more dresses, removed the huge bell-shaped sleeves, and added that fabric to the hems of my dress and the MOH's so ours would be identical and the other two would be identical. They were prettier than it sounds, but I'd never wear the dress again. They weren't cheap dresses, and it was incredibly generous of Mom to buy two extra ones!

I, on the other hand, was incredibly cheap. My cousin made my dress as her gift to me and the bridesmaids and flower girl had hand-made dresses as well.

I hope you're able to work this out with no hard feelings on anyone's part and no empty bank account for you.

Queen Colleen

 

[Disney Doll]

I am out of the bridesmaid years, thank God. Now I am a reader. I do readings at all the weddings.
Suits me fine, I can wear what I want and not have to spend $$$ on a dress I'd never wear again.

 

[StitchFanZ]

The last few west coast weddings I attended started doing away with this trend. The bride picked a color and asked the bridesmaids to find a dress in that color. The wedding party looked great together and everyone ended up with clothing they actually liked and would wear again.