ARRRGG! DH's sibs do it again

[CF'er]

Tell them you'd love to pitch in and that you have $xx amount and that is it.

This is what I would do. Give them whatever you would have spent on a gift on your own. Period.

 

[Minnie*J*]

Tell them you'd love to pitch in and that you have $xx amount and that is it.

This is what I would do

 

[MarkBarbieri]

I think that it is very important that you work this out with your husband. You need to clarify expectations so that you don't end up fighting over things like this. According to this article, fights over money are one of the strongest predictors of divorce.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I would just say we already have a gift (it could be a gift in mind for all they need to know). Just stick to, we already have a gift. If they ask what it is, say it's a surprise. I wouldn't leave myself open for that mess. And I wouldn't tell them about my finances. That's just me. It's nunya. You don't really need an excuse to opt out, but to keep the peace, "We already have a gift. DH didn't know I bought it long ago.".

ETA: I agree with Mark, you need to get on the same page financially with your DH.

 

[mjkacmom]

I would be pissed at my husband and not my in-laws. He is the one who agreed to chip in. He should have said no, I can't afford it.

This is what I'm thinking, too. Oh poop, I just remembered I agreed to chip in for MIL's gift, $50 for a quilt, and I just bought her a $50 gc. I guess I'll save it for her birthday!

I happen to like group gift ideas, and spend $50 for each of my IL's, but I do prefer to be asked, and not told.

 

[Green Tea]

My siblings do the same thing, and always at the last minute. After things I selected and purchased are wrapped and under the tree, I get an email that a group gift has been purchased and a fair share would be X dollars. I hate this.

 

[just4today]

My siblings do the same thing, and always at the last minute. After things I selected and purchased are wrapped and under the tree, I get an email that a group gift has been purchased and a fair share would be X dollars. I hate this.

I would respond that gosh I'm so sorry, but I've already purchased something so I can't contribute. After a few years of that, maybe they'll get the message.

 

[Ephany]

This happened to us a few years back. DH was informed that his portion of their parents gift was $ after his brother had already bought it. We had already bought their presents so he told BIL no. BIL was furious, and it was just a digital picture frame (back when they were still $$$). He kept pressuring DH that everyone else had already contributed, and thankfully DH held firm even with all of the snarky comments and pointed remarks.

I think group gifts can be a good idea if everyone is onboard with the idea BEFORE the gift is bought and no one feels pressured to contribute beyond their means. I'd probably be forever known as the evil SIL after I called BIL and told him we'd contribute x, no more and we would not participate in group gifts ever again so don't ask or assume. You should be forced or pressured into spending money you don't have, that's not what Christmas giving is about.

 

[AlexWyattMommy]

I don't normally get into the should've/would've/could've threads. Sometimes they turn really bad.

Anyway, here is my question. Where is the $150 coming from? Do you both contribute to overall finances to your family? Will the $150 hurt your family?

If the $150 would hurt my family, I don't give a green tea for what was "promised" before hand. And if one family member wasn't giving anything either, why would I give them a free ride if I couldn't afford it either?

No advice. You need to do with what you can sleep with at night. Worrying about my own family would cause me to loose more sleep what other people thought of me would.

 

[sparklynails23]

If the $100 to $150 isn't going to break the bank, I'd just go in on the present for family harmony. These are the people that raised your husband and bought him gifts throughout his childhood. If you can afford 2 Disney trips this year, can't you afford your part of the TV? On another note, HD tv's are really on sale right now because they are coming out with the 3D tv's next year, so the siblings are probably getting a great deal.

 

[Buckalew11]

See, I think this even becoming an issue is just crazy and to hear it has been going on for 20 years? More crazy. Not you (crazy) but the fact that it happens is a crazy thing.

All it takes is a simple "no". Someone might get mad, someone might be put out. So what? Why is OK for this issue to cause trouble for you two over trouble between him and his siblings???? He should want to stand up for the needs of his family and just say "we cannot participate in this and really, we do not wish to do group gifts any more."

It is easy, I've done it myself. We had a fiacso once giving my mom a mother's ring for christmas one year. I said, no more. Did my sister get upset? Probably. Is she still? I doubt it. Tell your DH to learn from this and do something about it.

At this point, I'd either come up with 150.00 to put toward the gift because it is a little too late to back out now or if it is really, really tight, I'd give what I could and move on.

Make sure your husband knows this causes stress between you all that is NEEDLESS during a high stress time anyway. After being unemployed this long, he can't be feeling to great about himself and needs to do things to lift him up, not drag him down.

Good luck on him finding a job. I can't imagine going that long w/o a job. It sounds very, very upsetting to me.
Let this be the year his gets his "voice".

 

[wilderness01]

If the $100 to $150 isn't going to break the bank, I'd just go in on the present for family harmony. These are the people that raised your husband and bought him gifts throughout his childhood. If you can afford 2 Disney trips this year, can't you afford your part of the TV? On another note, HD tv's are really on sale right now because they are coming out with the 3D tv's next year, so the siblings are probably getting a great deal.

But the brother who came up with the idea, lives with the parents and will probably use the tv just as much, isn't giving anything. What about family harmony there?


My DH's family has done the same thing with a "group gift" without our consent. We were to send my inlaws on a first class trip, use my bil's frequent flier miles he gets from work and all chip in to reimburse him for the miles, pay for the hotel, meals, spending money, etc. We weren't asked, we were told our amount. The amounts weren't equal, they were on what percentage we could afford. We did not go in on this gift. They ended up buying a motor for the parents boat and we ended up sending a separate gift. It is rude and presumptious to assume what people can afford or what they want to give. I would stick to your guns and give my own gift.

 

[MarkBarbieri]

...HD tv's are really on sale right now because they are coming out with the 3D tv's next year...

Don't hold your breath on that. 3D TV's are a very, very long way from viability.

 

[luvmyfam444]

I'd just contribute what you can pay if its $10 or $25 and be done - you went in on the gift & sent your part. THat's it - its not your problem if they dont' get enough $ to purchase what they want.

 

[Carly_Roach]

...pick out an expensive gift for the in laws with the expectation that everyone will split the cost! Usually it comes out to be anywhere from $100-150 per family. This year it is a big screen TV.They do this every Christmas(and usually birthdays too) and every year I tell DH that he needs to okay it with me before he agrees for us to go in on a gift. DH has been unemployed for almost a year and we are 'supposed' to be cutting back this year. Whats more facinating is that BIL(who suggested the gift) doesnt have a penny to his name and wont be able to pitch in his part anyway. BTW, he lives with the parents so he will benefit from the new TV. I blew up at DH for once again doing this and he sarcastically said he would call sibs and tell them I said we couldnt do it. GREAT!! Now I come out looking like a you-know-what.

You have to decide what's more important: money or harmony with your spouse.

I agree with so many posters on this thread about someone buying something and then presenting a bill to us based on their expectations. That doesn't fly around here. Ever. One of DH's brother's wives learned that the hard way one Christmas when BIL and her were stuck giving an expensive gift to my IL's. She went out and bought it, then emailed us all our share of that present.

She got no takers. We're all stubborn like that. The gift in question still sits on MIL's mantle and I hear her complain every once in awhile of having to dust the dang thing. I think one of these days it's going to have an "accident".

But the flip side is that your DH already agreed, has been agreeing for 20 years, and it's a little late to back out now. So either way you're going to look like a you-know-what.

Add to that a point another poster made about your expensive vacations (they look expensive to others outside your immediate family) and a BIL who doesn't have a penny to his name having to move back home. Now it appears that you are being stingy about $150 at Christmas time. Yes, it does make you look like a you-know-what.

So, like I said before, you're going to have to decide what you want to live with: $150 in your pocket or harmony with your DH.

I guess the only way to win is to worry about whether or not your DH thinks you are a you-know-what rather than what his family thinks. Base your decision on that. And tell his family that this is the final year for this arrangement. You'll still look like a you-know-what, but there's not much you can do about what those people think of you.

 

[HOGFAN]

UPDATE: well blow me down! DH emailed his sibs this a.m. and told them we werent participating in the group thing. I will go get them a $50 gift card to their very favorite restaurant instead. Im sure that is the end of the TV idea.

P.S. Not the money so much as the principal. DH and I cut our Christmas budget this year for each other and the kids. Therefore the amount mentioned is considered a little over the top considering current situation.

Thank God DH does have a new job but doesnt start until after the first of the year. Thankfully, we have quite a bit in savings, I do fairly well myself, have very little debt, and we managed our money very well over the past 9 months.
I did go to WDW twice this year. The trip in January was planned and paid for before DH got laid off. I went with my sisters and we went fairly cheap. In July, a friend and I went in the park just for one day. Other days spend at offsite pool. Not that I feel like I have to justify myself to others.

 

[padams]

Hogfan, I'm glad your DH stood up to the sibs and it has all worked out. My SIL does the same thing- tells DH and BIL what they owe for whatever gift MIL wants. This year, it's a new notebook computer for MIL. I already bought MIL's gift so I told DH that he needed to tell his sibs that we have a gift for MIL and that we won't be participating. We have had to cut back on Christmas this year due to the economy. SIL can afford to buy the whole notebook computer but she's too cheap to do so.

 

[AlexWyattMommy]

No need to justify.

But I'd admit to like knowing.

Glad your DH has a new job. What a relief to know that you will be okay.


Also glad it worked out with the group gift thing without undue stress and anxiety for you and your family. Way to go DH!

 

[Buckalew11]

UPDATE: well blow me down! DH emailed his sibs this a.m. and told them we werent participating in the group thing. I will go get them a $50 gift card to their very favorite restaurant instead. Im sure that is the end of the TV idea.

P.S. Not the money so much as the principal. DH and I cut our Christmas budget this year for each other and the kids. Therefore the amount mentioned is considered a little over the top considering current situation.

Thank God DH does have a new job but doesnt start until after the first of the year. Thankfully, we have quite a bit in savings, I do fairly well myself, have very little debt, and we managed our money very well over the past 9 months.
I did go to WDW twice this year. The trip in January was planned and paid for before DH got laid off. I went with my sisters and we went fairly cheap. In July, a friend and I went in the park just for one day. Other days spend at offsite pool. Not that I feel like I have to justify myself to others.

Good, glad he sent the email. There is enough stress during the holidays w/o allowing others to add to it.

And I do not believe you should ever feel the need to justify a trip anywhere here.

 

[sparklynails23]

But the brother who came up with the idea, lives with the parents and will probably use the tv just as much, isn't giving anything. What about family harmony there?


My DH's family has done the same thing with a "group gift" without our consent. We were to send my inlaws on a first class trip, use my bil's frequent flier miles he gets from work and all chip in to reimburse him for the miles, pay for the hotel, meals, spending money, etc. We weren't asked, we were told our amount. The amounts weren't equal, they were on what percentage we could afford. We did not go in on this gift. They ended up buying a motor for the parents boat and we ended up sending a separate gift. It is rude and presumptious to assume what people can afford or what they want to give. I would stick to your guns and give my own gift.

But that probably cost more than a hundred bucks. Seriously, $100 for the people who raised you at Christmas when you can afford it is not too much. I'm convinced some people just want drama.