ARRGH! My MIL is a Xmas nightmare!!

[rocky41102]

I'm not going to even think about disagreeing or agreeing as it's clear everyone has their own opinions on this issue.

Just a suggestion that might help the situation at Christmas. I do this every year and it seems to work. We don't have one person who will buy everything, but we are lucky enough to have several grandparents/in laws and so on. Anyway, I just give each person a different list of presents. I find out what my son wants and what I think he'd like and then section off the list for each person. That way Santa has his own list with presents that aren't on anyone else's list. I always add extra presents to each list because I like everyone to be able to pick and choose what they want-I just make sure the really "important" things are on Santa's list and I make sure to buy them. I don't think any kid expects to get everything on their list just from Santa so put the more expensive items on your MIL's list. Keep the things you want to get your children secret. There's still a chance your MIL will buy some of the same presents, but you can always tell your kids that Santa's elves make everyone's toys even the store ones so sometimes Grandma will get the same thing Santa did just by accident. (You can also tell your children that only Santa and mom can know what's on their list, so they need to tell you so you can make a list and then mom can mail it to the North Pole-just in case MIL asks the kids what they want!)

Good Luck with whatever you decide!!!

 

[kaw1218]

Not only that, but we have even told her that we will start giving some of the things to less fortunate kids.

THere is your answer.....My MIL used to ask my kids(DD8 & 10) what they wanted for Xmas, and then proceed to buy them computer games.....4-5 every year. My kids had no desire to play these games. They sat unopened on a shelf. We started to give them to Toys for Tots, or the Salvation Army. Just last year, she finally asked the kids where all the games were. They told her they never played them, so they gave them to the 'wanted kids'(I have no idea where they got that from ) . They would just rather have clothes(yes they actually said that) and books. Now she buys them gift cards to Barnes and Noble and places like Limited Too. In fact she called earlier today to ask what 'cool' places they want clothes from this year!
Good Luck.

 

[klfrech]

My goodness!! I'm not talking about asking permission to give a child a cookie. That's ridiculous. I am talking about serious overindulgence. Parents can be just as guilty of this. Once again, it is about respect. My mother wanted to buy my DD a tv for her bedroom because we wouldn't. We told her we didn't want her to have a television in her bedroom. That was the end of the discussion. She respected our wishes as her parents. Afterall, we are her parents.

 

[FayeW]

OP, I think that the only way to handle this to state very clearly NOW that specific gifts WILL be coming from Santa. Do NOT open Mimi's gifts until later Christmas day, after the Santa gifts have already been opened. Tell her what Santa is bringing, and make it clear that she is NOT, under any circumstances, to purchase those items. Tell her that if she buys any of those items, to KEEP HER RECEIPTS, they will be going back.Whatever your previous arrangement was concerning gifts, let her know THAT FROM NOW ON, gifts from you, your DH, and Santa, will be opened FIRST! If she tries to give gifts on Christmas eve, take them, put them in the car, and sweetly let her know they will be opened IN THE MORNING, after you see what Santa has brought.

None of this has to be confrontational. Just say it matter of fact. Tell her that the big gifts have to come from the parents and Santa. That's it.

 

[nbodyhome]

My problem here wouldn't be with the MIL, but with the husband who told her what the kids wanted. If she can plug that leak (him), then that would help.

When she asks next time, think of something that is an item that maybe the family can enjoy (or even Disney Dollars!) - and say that if she gets them too many toys, that some will be donated (and do that). There are a lot of children who are lucky to get any toys for Christmas.

I am not sure that it's a situation of even being a control freak. My mom spoils her grandkids rotten (my nieces children). It is way too much stuff - but she doesn't seem to be able to help herself. She sees princess merchandise at Disney, she buys it. If it was me and my kids, it'd probably drive me nuts! But it isn't controlling, she just sees things and wants to get them for the kids.

 

[disnutt]

I'm sympathetic to OP. MIL buys way too much. We have the complete collections of several of the American Girl dolls from Bitty Baby up. Also, MIL thinks that every gift becomes a family heirloom so it should be kept forever. Her house could be considered a fire hazard. She buys gifts and keeps them at her house labeled 'Santa'. It ticks me off because, as another poster said, it is MY turn to be Santa. If she didn't do it right the first time- TOO BAD!

I give stuff to Goodwill at a regular clip and still can't keep the kids's rooms looking neat. I would ebay some things but because the kids know that there will be replacements coming w/the next birthday, holiday, lost tooth, or hangnail they don't really seem interested in taking care of their toys. Nothing is precious if you have everything you want.

Good luck to the OP and prayers for me, please.

 

[*JoGo*]

Like others have mentioned, I wouldn't do Christmas w/ her until AFTER Santa has been to your house. If MIL gives your kids toys Santa already gave them, Oops! Guess they'll have to be returned! She should've known not to get those items since your dh told her what Santa was bringing, perhaps she's going senile and forgot?

You need to tell your dh how you feel... maybe he doesn't see anything wrong with this? Or he's just oblivious since (I'm assuming) you do the majority of the xmas shopping for your family.

Good luck!
My dh's stepmom, she always asks for lists - I make one on Amazon where you order right off the Wish List, yet she ALWAYS gets them stuff that wasn't on the list, junk they don't like. I put a variety of diff. items on the list, I tell her in conversations what they're into, etc etc... I think I could go shopping with her, put the item in her cart, and she'd still end up buying them the wrong thing. THAT is frustrating, especially when we've made the mistake of trusting she was buying one of the boys a specific item so WE don't buy it, then he ends up not getting something he really wanted which we would've bought had we known she wasn't getting it.

 

[djbleach]

I have a "control freak" MIL. and I'm one also, so we don't get along that great.
I think the difference Is I see that I'm one, and I'm willing to change.
For her, If she's not the center of attention and things are not the way she plans, then she's a drama queen.
Anyway.
Most the time an "argument" isn't about what's being talked about. This is probably more deep than her buy presents.
It would upset me as well, if my MIL started tryting to "undercut" my wife and I and buy the gifts before we could just to make herself look like the good grandma.
Anyway. I feel your pain and I'm on your side.
Doesn she do anything else Positive for your kids, besides buy them gifts?
What about spending quality time with them on their terms. Letting them have fun?
Or is she like My MIL who only does things for SHOW????

 

[branv]

Anyone who does not "get" this situation should count themselves lucky to not have had to deal with a manipulative person who will turn even the most "special" moments into being all about them (rather than blasting someone to "count themselves lucky" on a situation you have no experience with).

I am actually a little relieved to read that there are other people with relatives who purposefully turn something as special as Christmas into a moment to express their passive aggressive nastiness. Every Christmas is a toss up whether it's just a present or a time bomb. We should start a support group for holidays. I finally told DH that this year we are going to an every other Christmas with my parents just so I can have time to either get extensive therapy from the Christmas before or stock up on tranquilizers for the Christmas to come.

 

[jbthi]

I guess I am that grandmother that buys too much. In my defense though when I buy an item that would make a good gift from Santa, that item is from Santa. I don't put names on the gifts who they are from and until the kids got old enough to think about it, the only way they realized they were from me was the different wrapping paper then what their parents used.

Now it is getting difficult to buy for the older ones. I have bought I-Pods, cameras, etc. but if there is nothing they really want I wrap a few small things up and give them money they can use for their college fund.

We didn't have the money when our kids were young and I did appreciate what my parents did get them for Christmas. Now it's my turn to do it for my GC.

June

 

[SaraMc]

I too would love this problem, DH mother is mentally ill and thinks that our son is her own baby. So we very rarely take Ben to see her because she gets so upset that we are taking her baby away. While she is spoiling them beyond, it could be worse.

 

[djbleach]

Trust me You Do Not Want This Problem.
Nor would I want my MIL to be Ill. She Is Mentally Ill, It's just in a differnet way.
The passive aggressive term, Is the correct term for this type of behavior.
For somebody to intentionally try to "one up" a parent at christmas, is just wrong.
Like it was said before, MIL had her chance. Now let the parents have the enjoyment.
If MIL was buying the gifts as Santa and not getting the reconition, would she still buy the gifts?
Probably not.

Anyway. MIL and Me are a sour subject, so I really need to stop reading this thread, because I take it to personal.

 

[jdm]

Wow, I wish you were my daughter! I have the opposite problem. My dd28 with 2 children expects me to buy everything for them at Christmas! She has a long, running list of things they "need" and want. She also has a long list for herself (as recepient).

It is her feeling that because I am the "Mom" and "Grandma" that I should be providing all this stuff. She feels that because I am financially secure that I should be spending it on her and the kids, and gets hurt if I don't live up to this.

My DGD lived with me for 18 months and I've taken her on trips etc. I've always been happy to help out. But! DD is now 28 and I'm starting to feel like the gravy train.

This year, I've decided to give horseback-riding lessons etc. that I know the children want and benefit from. Not "things" that end up in the bottom of the toy box!

Jenn

 

[disykat]

I would have a problem if my inlaws or parents did this. I would consider it a big boundries issue. We are lucky IMO. They each give the kids one present apiece, or maybe two - amounting to about $30 - and unlike others here I don't consider that cheap at all. They had their own turn at providing Christmas for their kids and now they are just giving a gift to a loved one. When Grandma insists on topping Santa, or being the main provider of Christmas - there's a big boundry/control issue.

 

[SusanMomOf2]

I think she should save the wish-list gifts for "Santa." Or at least ask if there are any you plan on getting yourself for your daughter. She can't just go out and buy every gift there is... I mean, you have a valid point! And the point of giving isn't to receive CREDIT. Most presents for a young child need to be from Santa. So many times I've given a gift to a niece of nephew and labeled it "From: Santa" because my sister's couldn't afford much. It's not aout glorifying MYSELF... just letting kids share the Santa experience I grew up with. It's not that you're ungrateful, but you are down-to-earth. I can't see how great of a lesson it will be to lavish so much on a youngster like that anyway. Save the money for college or let the child save it or teach how to tithe or donate.

Oh well, I see what you're saying, and I wish you the best. Just ask if she can put "From: Santa" on some of them and let them sit under the tree by Christmas morning.

God bless!

 

[macfamily]

I can see both sides being a problem. But more than that, I can see that the idea that Christmas (and any other gift holiday) is all about getting getting getting is still going strong. That makes me so sad, I can't even begin to tell you. Each family we have buys/makes one thing for each child (or a "basket" collection of small things, my DD loves that) and the adults all pick a name from a hat and buy for that one person. It's a lot of fun to be able to go out and use your imagination in deciding what that particular person would want, as well as trying to get info from the person themselves without their knowledge.

I guess I can't compare myself to the people who have THAT much money to spend; I certainly don't. Luckily, my DD10 is more interested in having her whole family together, and seeing how much people enjoy the gifts that she makes or buys for them. Last year she wrote a poem for my brother (her uncle) and drew a picture along with it, and it made him cry.

I'm very sorry that this type of thing is being used as a passive/agressive or an OCD crutch, it's very much too bad that a holiday that should be about getting together with your family and letting them know how much you love them or think about them has become like this. I would not want to have to dread a Christmas!

 

[MrsPete]

I never gave approval to MIL to spoil my kids, and I would have found it disrespectful to place that parameter on her. IMO, a 70+ year old parent should not be asking permission to give my kid a cookie, present, etc. I found it easy to explain to the kids that something they do/get at grandma's is not the way it is at home. I don't think my kids will have "no work ethnic and little appreciation for anything" because of it.

I disagree somewhat.

Cookies -- yeah, sounds harmless. We spend a great deal of time with our family, and when my first daughter was a toddler, my grandmother seriously undermined our efforts to get her to eat healthy foods. I'd put out oatmeal, and she wouldn't eat it, knowing full well that grandma'd give her two doughnuts as soon as my back was turned. If she didn't feel like eatingthe tuna sandwich I provided for lunch, no problem -- if you just wait a little bit and whine a little, grandma'll break out cookies. Now, if this happened once or twice, it'd be one thing . . . when it happens four or five days a week, the kids are learning some bad patterns. We had to implement rules.

I understand perfectly what the OP is talking about: Santa's gift should be the biggest and the best -- it should shine. Mom and Dad's gift should also be a shining star. Grandma's undermining that and hogging the spotlight.

My mom's always been really good about Christmas gifts. When my kids were toddlers, she'd give them a book and a savings bond -- perfect. Now that they're older, she gives them moderate gifts. My in-laws tend to over-gift (though not to the extent that the OP is describing), and it's literally hard to find places to put everything in the house. I know they love the kids dearly, but hauling stuff home is not always the pleasant experience that Christmas gifting should be. I'm happy to say, however, that this problem has improved as they've grown older and their "toys" have grown smaller.

 

[MrsPete]

Like others have mentioned, I wouldn't do Christmas w/ her until AFTER Santa has been to your house.

This is an excellent idea. To implement it, I'd suggest that YOU offer to have the family Christmas get-together at YOUR HOUSE -- go ahead and make the plans right away before someone else does -- and plan it for two days after Christmas "because everyone's always so busy before Christmas, won't it be nice to have a nice, relaxed celebration in those after-Christmas days."

 

[MrsPete]

But more than that, I can see that the idea that Christmas (and any other gift holiday) is all about getting getting getting is still going strong.

I agree with this statement! The spiritual emphasis on Jesus' birth has become totally overshadowed in our society, and it's a fight within our homes for those of us who want to keep the emphasis on Him. It takes a conscious effort to "go against the grain". An over-gifter really adds to the strain.

I think the people who suggested a Disney trip had a good idea, though personally, I'd make it a cruise! Why? Because on a cruise you can't take so much stuff. You'd be forced to limit your gift-giving to small, small items -- stocking stuffers even. And then you'd have so much opportunity to exclaim (at just the right times) how nice it was to focus on the family, how much the children enjoyed those few gifts and really appreciated them, how much more calm the house was without all the wrapping paper and new things needing homes.

 

[disneyjunkie]

I never heard of giving both Santa gifts and Parent gifts until I came to the DIS.

When we were growing up, my parents wrapped everything and placed them under the tree. My gifts would be on side and my sister's on the other. We never had a set of gifts from Santa and a set for our parent's.

When my son believed in Santa, all of the gifts I purchased would say they were from Santa.(even clothes) Now that he no longer believes, my name is on all the gifts.

I don't know anyone who does both Santa and Parent gifts. It's either one or the other.