Are your parents good GRANDparents?

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

It's interesting to me to read the biased generalizations about "boomers" on this thread. I think it's sadly very telling.

You def have to be careful about too much generalization especially on generational levels. That said it has been looked at that way by a slew of articles and over time. And TBH in the past we've had threads that are quite indicative as well. Posters who make fun of the way their children use tech or wish to raise their children, threads from posters who lack proper boundaries with their adult children and usually blame the adult children (sometimes it seems it is the adult child's fault other times totally not), posters who really seem to be dissatisfied with their level of watching over their grandkids, etc.

Some of this is going to come down to income levels as well and your socio-economical level as well as your culture. It's still taboo TBH if someone opts for childcare options outside of the grandparents, increasingly common for sure but still not perceived as normal though it is becoming much more normalized.

Probably the thing I see the most come up on my limited research into it is boundaries. As in the adult children setting and maintaining boundaries and the grandparents struggling with respecting them (this is in the perspective of what people report feeling is a big issue with "boomer" grandparents). Boundaries include access to the grandchildren, how the parents are raising their children and what values they are instilling, things like food even, gifts (including material and monetary as well as experiences), etc. In studies sometimes the response from grandparents is they get a "do-over in parenting" which is problematic to say the least, not always a huge red flag but not an appropriate way to view your grandchildren.

ETA: one Forbes article from 2015 mentioned this: "And how are boomer grandparents spending time with their grandkids differently than in the past?

It’s after work and it’s got to work in their schedule. With my mother’s generation, she could call my grandmother and know she’d be available all the time for any help. With this generation of grandparents, things have to be scheduled. And if the grandparents aren’t working, they’re volunteering or they're engaged with the community. They’re not sitting at home waiting for the kids to arrive.

It’s not necessarily seen as a negative. It’s just the way life is."

 

[Jen81NYC]

Wouldn't it be interesting if we could fast forward to a time when the current parents concerned with the current grandparents become the grandparents? I wonder what the current children would have to say about their parents' grandparenting skills. I really wish we could do that; it could be very interesting.

I don’t know that it would be that interesting or revealing, tbh. Parents today are generally thought to be much more involved parents (which can definitely have some cons too). No indication that this will suddenly wane when our kids have kids. Studies also show current younger generations have more empathy and less narcissism than the Boomer generation (this is truly not meant as inflammatory—it was published research and there are of course many exceptions im sure).
The main issues will likely be the timing of retirement in the future (much fewer pensions, safety net and real estate assets than older generations) and whether our kids will even feel like they’re secure enough financially to have kids, unfortunately

 

[CamillaF]

Sometimes it is.
We all come from different experiences.
There are many grandparents who have been guilted into giving up jobs or forced to put their own lives on the back burner to look after grandchildren. Some children take advantage of their parents in this respect.

If your being guilted into giving up jobs or forced to put your lives on the back burner then you have not set up proper boundaries with your kids. That is unhealthy. Being a good grandparent is making sure you set aside enough time to form strong bonds with your grandkids. Yes sometimes that can mean childcare. However no matter what it means time. If you feel like you are guilted into giving more time then you want to see your grandchildren then you have not set up boundaries. If you only see your grandkids on holidays or a few times a year, you might be a loving grandparent but you have not developed the bonds to be a good one.

 

[Ms.Minnie]

I don’t know that it would be that interesting or revealing, tbh. Parents today are generally thought to be much more involved parents (which can definitely have some cons too). No indication that this will suddenly wane when our kids have kids. Studies also show current younger generations have more empathy and less narcissism than the Boomer generation (this is truly not meant as inflammatory—it was published research and there are of course many exceptions im sure).
The main issues will likely be the timing of retirement in the future (much fewer pensions, safety net and real estate assets than older generations) and whether our kids will even feel like they’re secure enough financially to have kids, unfortunately

The part about parents today being more involved. Where are you getting this information from? Based on the fact that we now have so many more two income households I don't see how this could be true.

Not sure I agree with the empathy and less narcissism part either. Again, where are you getting this information?

I still think it would be interesting to see how your children would view your grandparenting skills.

 

[Jen81NYC]

The part about parents today being more involved. Where are you getting this information from? Based on the fact that we now have so many more two income households I don't see how this could be true.

https://news.uci.edu/2016/09/28/tod...eir-kids-than-moms-and-dads-did-50-years-ago/

https://studyfinds.org/fathers-more-engaged-with-kids-than-ever-before/

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/12/25/...ytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Where are you getting this information from?

Lots of places, just google that there's too many resources to even begin to list.

Based on the fact that we now have so many more two income households I don't see how this could be true

This seems to be based on an outdated stereotype like the whole "working mom" stereotype as if the mom who also has a career used to be viewed as colder, less caring about her kids. It's time to get rid of that thinking. Many parents these days, and not always seen as the best thing, are trying to do it all for their kids. Yes the moms work AND they also are highly involved in their children's lives. Yes the moms work AND they tend to try to be more empathetic towards their children. Yes the moms work AND they manage to get their kids to their practices and events. Sometimes this is seen as needing to stop and take a breath but the parents of today statistically are more involved in their children's lives than in the past mostly because they wanted to be that way in contrast often to how they were raised by their parents (though not always the biggest reason). There's a higher focus on a strong bond between parent and child.

The pandemic did make it harder largely due to childcare staffing shortages and so you did have families drop to 1 income households and unfortunately mostly women took the brunt of that. Some states are trying to work on increasing the number of childcare staffing. However, just the concept of 2 income family should in no way be thought to mean less involvement.

 

[Jen81NYC]

Not sure I agree with the empathy and less narcissism part either. Again, where are you getting this information?

https://mashable.com/article/study-narcissism-millennials-baby-boomers-sensitive

 

[Jen81NYC]

Deleted, duplicate

 

[RoseGold]

I have a little kid, and it always makes me jealous to see grandparents helping with all the soccer and dance and all that. I feel so alone on all of that, no village here. Then again I would probably go crazy if my mom lived close enough to pop by...

I didn't really know my grandparents because they died when I was young, so I don't have a good comparison.

We see grandparents a lot, but it's all on me. It's always me putting in the work and the travel and the effort. Honestly, it's exhausting.

 

[AvidDisReader]

We are all products of our experiences. My last grand parent died when I was 1 year old. I remember when in First grade some class mates were talking about their grand parent an I asked "What is a grand parent?" So I like to think I have bent over backward to be the best possible to my grand kids. My wife quit her job so she could become a professional grandma "daycare giver" when both my middle and youngest gave birth to their first child just 6 weeks apart. Since we are DVC owners, both of the those 2 grandkids have been to Disney every year of their lives. My wife went into deep depression when the youngest grandkid entered Kindergarten this year and she was no longer needed, to fill the void she took a part time job with the School District as a lunch lady. My idea of eternal living is that my grand kids will remember us long after we are gone and tell their kids and grand kids about what great grand parents we were.

 

[Jen81NYC]

We are all products of our experiences. My last grand parent died when I was 1 year old. I remember when in First grade some class mates were talking about their grand parent an I asked "What is a grand parent?" So I like to think I have bent over backward to be the best possible to my grand kids. My wife quit her job so she could become a professional grandma "daycare giver" when both my middle and youngest gave birth to their first child just 6 weeks apart. Since we are DVC owners, both of the those 2 grandkids have been to Disney every year of their lives. My wife went into deep depression when the youngest grandkid entered Kindergarten this year and she was no longer needed, to fill the void she took a part time job with the School District as a lunch lady. My idea of eternal living is that my grand kids will remember us long after we are gone and tell their kids and grand kids about what great grand parents we were.

That is so sweet—and while providing full time care for grandkids is certainly not required to be good grandparents, it sounds like you and your wife are incredibly loving and family oriented people and I have no doubt you’ve already given your grandkids endless memories they’ll cherish for the rest of their lives.

 

[Turn the Page]

The part about parents today being more involved. Where are you getting this information from? Based on the fact that we now have so many more two income households I don't see how this could be true.

Not sure I agree with the empathy and less narcissism part either. Again, where are you getting this information?

I still think it would be interesting to see how your children would view your grandparenting skills.

I think the proliferation of helicopter parents explains that phenomenon. I don't think helicopter parenting was a thing in the boomer generation.

 

[Disneylover99]

As long as you are ok with your children taking on the same attitude when you can’t drive anymore and have to rely on strangers to get your prescriptions, groceries, transport to medical appointments, when you fall down and can’t get back up, and just plain old someone to talk to instead of being alone in a house.

I’m not sure what you mean by attitude. I’m not suggesting grandparents shouldn’t help out at all. But I think there needs to be a healthy balance. Maybe there is a difference to what I’m saying, that you’re not seeing. We are all influenced by our own upbringings.

It’s a two way street, so the word entitlement is such a weird boomer word to use.

Entitlement knows no age limit.

You don’t do things out of obligation, you do it because you love someone and want the best for them and you’d want someone to do the same for you some day.

You can still love someone and feel obligated at the same time. And there are children who do take advantage of their parents and vice versa. Guilt trips can be a 2 way street.

Yes, grandparents who choose to be less involved in the upbringing of their grandkids are bad grandparents and selfish. Sorry if it hurts your feelings, it’s just my perspective.

You’re entitled to your opinion. I don’t know why you would think it would hurt my feelings.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I think the proliferation of helicopter parents explains that phenomenon. I don't think helicopter parenting was a thing in the boomer generation.

But interestingly helicoptering has made its way to the boomer grandparents.

 

[TwoMisfits]

We see grandparents a lot, but it's all on me. It's always me putting in the work and the travel and the effort. Honestly, it's exhausting.

So, put in a little less effort, so you don't get bitter or start feeling like a martyr. For example, since it seems (like me) your grandparent set is way out of town, you can decide you want holidays at home and you can decide when visits would be most cost effective and feasible for you - and then see if they can see you then. Reducing some of the individual travel load is usually the 1st step if you're always on the give/give/give side and not on the receive/receive/receive side.

And if you still want to get together, you can do a Zoom call to see them without having to schlep everyone out every single time.

And there's no time like the present for getting that kinda set up going. Kids getting bigger and having more things going on is a great reason, too...

 

[lowlight]

Wouldn't it be interesting if we could fast forward to a time when the current parents concerned with the current grandparents become the grandparents? I wonder what the current children would have to say about their parents' grandparenting skills. I really wish we could do that; it could be very interesting.

I think my boomer parents sucked at parenting and I actively try to do better. I hope my child recognizes all my flaws when they become a parent and tries to do better than me. That’s called progress. I can name lots of ways I disappoint myself as a parent and they are things I work on daily. My parents were so offended when they told me I had a great childhood and I had to correct them that we didn’t speak for years. If you didn’t care as a parent you likely won’t as a grandparent, and if you cared as a parent you would care as a grandparent. I would bet there is a strong correlation between bad parents and bad grandparents, and maybe some here just don’t realize they were a bad parent before they turned into a bad grandparent.

 

[lowlight]

My idea of eternal living is that my grand kids will remember us long after we are gone and tell their kids and grand kids about what great grand parents we were.

There is a famous quote that goes something like every man dies twice, once when they are buried and again when someone says their name for the last time. People still talk about my grandmother and grandfather because they were so selfless and good to everyone in their lives. Nobody says a word about the other grandparents, their legacy is gone already. I agree with you, it’s about the legacy you leave behind that matters.

 

[disykat]

To me this whole conversation is the problem. It never occurred to me to grade my parents on their grandparenting. How involved they were or weren't was just what it was. Sometimes I might have had feelings about it one way or the other, but the set of expectations expectations weren't there.

 

[Jen81NYC]

To me this whole conversation is the problem. It never occurred to me to grade my parents on their grandparenting. How involved they were or weren't was just what it was. Sometimes I might have had feelings about it one way or the other, but the set of expectations expectations weren't there.

Yes, parents these days are aware of how much or how little support they have in juggling a multitude of responsibilities (support from both their spouse and, ideally at times, from their parents too), and generally speaking, now that family members often live farther away from each other, nowadays more effort has to be made to develop solid close familial bonds with family members who don’t live in the same household.

Your comment is like a 50s housewife saying “it never occurred to me to judge my husband by how much he’s contributing to household chores or the raising of the kids.” Well, times change! And yes, parents notice if grandparents aren’t that interested in prioritizing spending time their grandkids or if grandparents consider doing so as mere “childcare”. .

 

[Marrila]

To me this whole conversation is the problem. It never occurred to me to grade my parents on their grandparenting. How involved they were or weren't was just what it was. Sometimes I might have had feelings about it one way or the other, but the set of expectations expectations weren't there.

In retrospect, I am so glad I pretty much understood what my mother could and could not do. She was treated for (and struggled with) depression for many years and died in her early 50's. But she was a grandma for the last 6 years of her life. No baking, no babysitting , no overnights. She couldn't handle those things with my kids.
But we had a great time on short walks, picnics with swimming and going to the beach. It was a lot of work for me, but it was worth it We have photos of those activities on our visits together that I treasure.
I will never regret being sensitive her situation and meeting her where she was. If she needed to just sit, enjoy the sea breeze that was fine. The kids would run over to show her shells or rocks treasures.
I couldn't fix it, but I found ways for all of us to share time together as family.