Are you obligated by family to travel for the Thanksgiving and/or Christmas holidays?

[VandVsmama]

We have tried traveling for both holidays on different years and got the stink eye both times.

You have a choice to make. You can be happy. Or you can make them happy and continue to be miserable yourself every Thanksgiving and Christmas. What you don't realize yet is that you cannot have what you really want, which is for all of them to come to you sometimes at holidays. You might get SOME of them to come, but not all of them. You want things to be Even Steven, and given your description of the rest of them, that will just not be possible.

A quarter century is an awful long time to hang onto such frustration and resentment just because you're both afraid of having people frustrated with you. You can choose to continue to do it for another 25 years and continue to be frustrated and unhappy with the annual shenanigans.

Or you can stop the nonsense and stop playing the game.

Peace in your life is possible. You can make it happen. Change is hard sometimes. But it's good for you. It's time to cut the umbilical cord, grow a spine, stand up for yourselves, and say no for once.

 

[dvcgirl67]

We have tried traveling for both holidays on different years and got the stink eye both times.

Ugh....that sucks. I think so much of it also has to do whether or not people have children. I feel like our families are always happy to see DH and me.....maybe it's because we don't always go to everything...lol. If we had kids, there would be higher expectations. My younger sister definitely feels that. They get pulled around much more than DH and me ever have. And I get that....we've lived in the same town with my sister and her family....since my niece was two and just in time for my nephew to be born. It's been such a gift to be here to watch them grow up and spend holidays with them. They're 16 and 14 now....and we see them far less now because they're pulled in a million directions with school, friends...etc.

For us...this Thanksgiving, I'm working. I always do a little work over the holidays so my people didn't have to do it all....mostly doing things like taking Christmas morning the Moms who worked for me could be there with their kids...etc. This year I'm doing it all. The company is smaller now and I just decided to give my people off. We already put the word out that we'll see our parents that weekend before....separately because two parents can't really leave the house....have some snacks and a visit....and that will be it for Thanksgiving with family. My husband loves my macaroni and cheese....calls it "crack-a-roni and cheese".....so that's what we'll have for dinner....and we'll put up the tree, watch some Christmas stories...and that'll be it.

 

[Pink Partridge]

Or you can stop the nonsense and stop playing the game.

Peace in your life is possible. You can make it happen. Change is hard sometimes. But it's good for you. It's time to cut the umbilical cord, grow a spine, stand up for yourselves, and say no for once.

YES a million times!

 

[cjlong88]

I hate being put in situations where I feel obligated by friends or loved ones to do something. Honestly, I have made my decisions and not everyone in my family was happy with them. We have to live our lives. Our relatives don’t. So I choose what makes me happy and I now have the tradition where my husband and I do Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with his. And at first that was upsetting, but it was significantly better than the alternative (we don’t spend either holiday with any of them).

Honestly, it was tough at first, but we have done it enough times that now it’s considered the new tradition. And it works for us

Sometimes you have to rip the bandaid off and do what makes you happier, even if that means others get upset. And if they do get upset that’s really selfish and hypocritical of them, as I suspect you don’t do that to them. But time usually makes things work out.

We don’t get to do life twice. Do it how you want to do it.

 

[dvcgirl67]

I thought it was obvious I was whining about my first world problems and looking for others in the same situation to commiserate with?

99.9% of everything on this board....is ALL of us....commiserating over....or debating.... our first world problems. If you've found your way to this board....you've likely got mostly first world problems.

 

[Pink Partridge]

Hard to do with the in laws in question living with us. Easier to just be obligated for a few days rather than deal with the back lash.

I would never break bread with any human being that feels they can give me "back lash". Mother, father, aunt, uncle, etc. They would be dismissed.

 

[mylilnikita]

OP: you have obliged them for over 2 decades, that is more then what I would do.
If it is their “DREAM” to host and travel to do it, then that is on them.
They could backlash all they want but you did your duty you felt obligated to do.

 

[Pink Partridge]

We have tried traveling for both holidays on different years and got the stink eye both times.

What did they say when you told them never to look at you like that/ attempt to ever control your holidays again?

I can't ever imagine giving control to another adult to the point where they feel they can dictate what I do for the holidays.

 

[hopemax]

When I was 2, we moved from the Midwest to Washington State. As a child, I never had a family Thanksgiving, my Birthday (Christmas week) or Christmas other than my paternal Grandma who started traveling after my Grandpa passed, and eventually moved in with us. There were mountains, which my Dad didn't want to drive, and airfare was too expensive. My Dad's sister lived 8 hours away, so we would do Easter, 4th of July, Labor Day, her kids birthdays because the weather/drive was less of a concern. We did do it once, the year my aunt got divorced when I was in college. It was also our first White Christmas, everything shut down because Western Washington can't handle an inch of snow, let alone 9", and so it was a complete disaster as they were stuck with us for longer than we all planned. Never spent any holiday with my Mom's family ever. DH on the other hand lived close to his entire family and never had a holiday without family. So when we moved away, the holidays was something that had to be negotiated.

We only travel for Christmas, and we alternate parents. It's expensive and a hassle. My Dad is near WDW, so visiting him is always longer to do the parks (which is becoming more and more of an issue as crowds have grown since we started this in 2005). Twice, my parents graciously came to our house in Colorado instead of us traveling to FL. One was the year, we bought our house so we didn't have the money for airfare. Last Christmas, due to the pandemic was only the third Christmas DH and I have had "just the two of us." We've been married 23 years. The first, was our WDW honeymoon, purposefully scheduled to avoid choosing who to "holiday" with first, the 2nd was the year after we moved away from WA, because we didn't have the money to come home that year either.

Now that it's just my Dad, he doesn't want to come to us and travel alone. DH's family... we lost the 3 remaining grandparents in 2019, so discussions have started about having equivalent family gatherings but "not at Christmas." So it's not as expensive, easier to schedule for DH's generation who wants to celebrate with their kids and not have to worry about getting together with the older generations on the holiday. But with pandemic, what that might be hasn't started yet.

I have mixed feelings. It's a lot of work to celebrate with only 2 people at home. So I kind of like being around some people to share cooking, cleanup, etc.. The two times my parents came here, was really nice, but our house can't really happen more, so I wouldn't want DH's family coming here. We did that once for Mother's Day and only 3 days. I'm pretty sure that was enough for everyone. Going to DH's family is too much of a production. I'm curious to see how their new plan might work out, but I have my doubts.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

I really wish we could start our own family traditions.

I get it. It's hard to break with family expectations. My dad kind of felt the same way. Every holiday was spent with my maternal grandparents - even Father's Day was spent taking my grandfather out. My parents always made sure us kids honored the other parent on their day, but it was never just us. If we went to Texas to spend Christmas with my paternal grandparents, it always started with Christmas Eve here in Los Angeles with my maternal grandparents. My mom wouldn't hear of not spending time with her parents and family, so my dad commiserated with me. When my mom passed away our family obligation to get together also ended.

But then, I had my family and we were always switching Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays with my parents and the in-laws (until we got divorced).

My dad moved to Texas, and my kids and I spent every Christmas w/him. My ex was very understanding - he could have all the other holidays if he wanted (not that he always wanted), but Christmas was in Texas. There were times that our kids would spend Christmas Eve with my ex and his family in San Diego, and I would pick them up and continue to El Paso around midnight or so.

Now that my dad is also gone I'm really sensitive to having my kids feel obligated to spend any holiday with me. They (and their significant others) usually do spend Christmas with me, but occasionally they visit their dad in AZ or with other families now. We can always celebrate a holiday on any nearby day. I'm all for stress-free celebration. We're actually spending one of the holidays together - my kids, their dad, his significant other, and me. In 2023, my kids will be on their own. I'm going on a Christmas River Cruise with my girlfriends and we'll be on vacation on Christmas Day. That will be fun. These days, two of these friends and I will spend Thanksgiving or Christmas together if our kids are elsewhere. We are all okay with that.

 

[Meriweather]

Not at all. We are the oldest in our family and if people don't want to come, it is fine with us.
But we have a close, small family and they always come for Christmas.
DS and DIL host Thanksgiving.....I thing DD is skipping this year because there really isn't much to it and she doesn't like TG food.

 

[utahgirl]

We have stopped traveling for holidays, unless we WANT to. We would do 4ish hours for thanksgiving and it was hard as Wednesday & Sunday we’re travel days. Then the craziness of Thursday with only 2 days to actually enjoy the time off.

 

[CdnCarrie]

We live in the same city as our family.
No travel required.
As a child we spent most holidays traveling to grandparents in other province.

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

Nobody is stopping you from making new family traditions, but you. Put your foot down if you don’t like it.

To answer your question, would family like us to travel to them? Yes. Are we obligated to? No. We made a choice early on that we would celebrate the holidays the best we see fit and if that upsets others, than that’s on them. For us, that means taking a trip over Thanksgiving (usually Disneyland) and being home Christmas morning (if people want to see us, our door is open). There may be the occasion we CHOOSE to go see family, but it is always our choice and I never feel guilty about making other plans.

 

[SandyinMonterey]

When I was growing up, we'd travel 300 plus miles to extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.) We were the ones (the only ones) who didn't live in the same town as all of them (on both my parents sides). We didn't travel for Christmas because if it snowed, we'd be stuck. It wasn't until both my sister and I got older that our Thanksgiving trips lessened. As an adult, I entered the health care field which meant working holidays and weekends. Eventually I ended up moving 3000 miles away from my parents and for 16 years had very few holidays with my family. We moved 5 years ago back to East coast and we would drive 2 days to be with our families for Thanksgiving (husband and I both from NJ). I used to complain to my parents all the time about the drive to see our grandparents, I hated being 3000 miles from my family and having to count on 1 hand how many holidays we spent with them and I wish we spent more time with family during the holidays. My father passed 18 years ago and my mother just passed a couple of months ago and I wish I could spend just one more holiday with them. You may hate it now but I would say try to embrace it more and enjoy the time together.

 

[nicolita3]

 

[nicolita3]

We don't travel for the holidays to visit anyone. Everyone in my family is very nontraditional. I just can't wrap my head around people who focus so much on tradition during the holidays even if that tradition causes so much stress.

 

[Adelle Dazeem]

We used to have issue with my brother and SIL. We live about 2.5 hours away from them and that is where I grew up. For several years, we traveled up there every Thanksgiving and Christmas and I finally said we would like to host one holiday every other year so they and my parents would have to travel a whopping 25% of the time. My SIL was a flat NO. She was so insistent that her kids wake up in their bed Christmas morning, but who gives a crap where her niece wakes up, right? We finally just told them to piss off and we hosted my parents without them. It also was an issue because SIL's mom's birthday is the 26th and their very large family had to be together to "worship" her mom. They spend like 4 days together at a timeshare EVERY YEAR. There was no way they could ever show up a day late or anything - that would be unacceptable to SIL. My SIL's family always "outranks" my family when it comes to the holidays. It's very hurtful to my parents that they are never treated as well as her family.

Several years ago, we fought the horrific bay area traffic to spend Thanksgiving at my brother's. They had also invited most of SIL's family as well. It was a disaster. My whole side of the family was completely ignored while SIL, her mom, daughter, nieces, her side SIL's were in the kitchen having the time of their lives while we literally sat on the couch doing nothing. We tried to join in the conversation, but it was all inside jokes, their family business, etc., so it was impossible to include ourselves. Even my DH, who is very easy going, said NEVER AGAIN would we attend another holiday that included their family. It was such a waste of time.

Now we just alternate with my parents and if my brother wants to be included, that's great, but never again will I alter plans for them. We were supposed to be at my parents this Thanksgiving, but that has been moved to my brother's. We are ok with it because the only members of SIL's family attending are her parents who are delightful. Funny enough, we all actually get along REALLY well.

For Christmas, we deiced f the drama - we will be on the Disney Fantasy for a week and then WDW for a few days. We can't wait!

 

[leebee]

We have never lived near family so it's often been a toss up. When DH and I were first together, we lived in Syracuse, with his family just west of Cleveland and mine in southern Maine; it was about a 7 hour drive, either east or west, depending on where we were going. His family always had a big Thanksgiving celebration. He's one of 7, all married, most with kids back then so we'd go and have a rollicking great time! We usually numbered around 25 for the entire weekend, with T-giving day dinner swelling the numbers to closer to 40. One sister had a big old farmhouse and we'd gather there for the holiday meal. I usually baked all the pies, and one year for Christmas my BIL built me a pie carrier- it holds 4 pies! It was so much fun, even though I drove back from there one Thanksgiving through the worst blizzard ever... through Cleveland and Erie, on through Buffalo and Rochester back to Syracuse! For those years we'd usually drive to my sister's in Maine for Christmas. I am one of 4 but a sister/BIL live in NOLA and don't come home, too expensive and far. Christmas dinner would be DH and me and my sister/BIL. My brother, his wife, and their kids might come for dinner or not- and my mom usually begged off, she doesn't like "crowds" or driving far- she lived on the other side of town, about 2 miles away.

After we moved to San Francisco we stayed there for the holidays- too $$$, not enough vacation time. Once DD was born we moved back east for a few years but went to Ohio for T-giving. Then we were in MI for 5 years, lived about 2 hours from my mother-in-laws. We'd go there every Thanksgiving. On Christmas we ALWAYS stayed home, at least for the morning, but sometimes would drive to Ohio for late family Christmas and supper. It's just too much hassle to travel with all the presents and such, and I wanted our little family (it's just DH, DD, and me) to have our own Christmas traditions.

It's been years since the Ohio family Thanksgiving gatherings. For awhile we did it over 4th of July instead; better travel weather, easier to get time off. However, the kids all grew up and now have kids of their own, and we all got older. We've lived in northern Maine for 16 years which adds about 3.5 hours on to the drive-time to Ohio, so it's fly or don't go. It's been probably 8 years since we've had a family get-together, except for visiting/vacations or going to weddings and funerals. Now our Thanksgiving is with close friends who live here in town, although they are away this year (going to their son's and DIL's) so we will stay home and have T-giving with DD, her new husband and her 5yo stepson. His family lives about 20 miles away but will go to his brother's. That's fine, I'd rather stay home. Christmas? We are visiting friends and family down south the week before, flying home on Christmas Day so we probably won't do anything but try to get home. However, Christmas has always been an at-home day for us. DD has always been here except for a couple of years when she lived in CT and didn't want to make the drive in winter weather. She now lives a 7 minute walk up the street, so if we were here for the holiday, they'd come for dinner and presents in the evening- but no pressure. Heck, we are pretty casual on Christmas; last year dinner was frozen stuffed shells from Sam's!

 

[HopperFan]

I really wish we could start our own family traditions.

You can. Just do it.

I firmly believe if you have none of your own family traditions there is a good chance when your children are grown they will just become absorbed into their spouses traditions ... where does that leave your family holiday time?


And I get it. DH and I did the whole two Thanksgivings in one day, trying to figure out how to do Christmas when we lived 1000 miles away. And now that our kids are grown we are so happy that we set in place traditions, special meal items and holiday fun. Now that one is married, it is working because we had those traditions that were important to her. We have to shorten our time together (now one day instead of two) but I'm happy we created that family time. If we hadn't she'd be in the Caribbean with her in-laws as that is their family tradition. They appreciate our time is special too so their trip will now be the week before.