Are you a stay-at-home wife?

[ronandannette]

Actually, I would say a lot of women with careers don't want to do the things we do. Just as a lot of men don't want to do these things, either, and some men actually do (and a few are even lucky enough to do it).

We joke that our daughter is "married to science" and she agrees that she's definitely in a long term relationship with it. She's passionate about the work she's done in her university's bio lab and she dreams of someday getting her doctorate and having a lab of her own. She's not interested in cooking or keeping a house or learning to crochet (though she did make a few inches of a scarf once). She understands the value of these things, just as I understand the value of her scientific pursuits. I'm happy she's found her passion, and I'm happy to be free to pursue mine.

I do not think her life will be any less than mine, even if she ends up devoting most of it to a career. And I'm glad she's proud of me, too.

For the record, I've been back in the workforce for 10 years now, after having been at home for just about 10. I absolutely LOVED being a housewife (yep, I said it ). A very unexpected reversal of fortune forced a transition. I'm now the primary bread-winner and likely will be for the rest of our working lives.

While my current job is vital to the productivity of my company, we're not exactly curing cancer or brokering world peace, KWIM ? I felt like my contribution (to family, community and the world in general) was much more meaningful** when I was at home and actually impacting individual's lives directly. And the fact that I had time to grow as a person by exploring my own interests as well was something I cherished. Most of those things take a distant back-seat to doing the needful, these days.

**My feelings only - not a comment on what activities anybody else might pursue are or are not of worth.

 

[Skippy918]

And in addition to the housework, for SAHMs we've added a LOT of parenting expectations that weren't there a generation or two ago - music lessons and sports teams and all the other organized activities that have taken the place of "Be home when the street lights come on" hinge on having a parent available to shuttle the kids around, and most of that falls to the mother whether or not she works. Homework has also gotten much more parent-dependent - big projects that require special materials, reports that demand online research, reading logs and planners that have to be reviewed and signed off on every night or every week. I'm a child of the 80s and the difference even between my school years and my kids' is staggering in terms of the time parents are expected to put in. For my mom and grandmother, "supporting our education" was going to conferences a couple times a year, keeping lots of books in the house and telling us to turn off the TV and read them, and working education into family time via days at zoos and museums. I can't remember my mom ever having to help with power tools or wiring for a school project (4th graders in our district build lighthouse replicas, complete with a functioning electrical circuit to run the light), and she certainly wasn't signing off on nightly planner and reading checks the way I do for my 9yo.

I am so with you on the homework. Now there's the website where the teacher lists the assignments and the teacher will also email out the assignments and a what's going on. Back in the 80s, we used to write what the homework assignment was in our notebooks, and just go home and do it. My son (4th grade) already has a small research project. I gave him computer access, discussed his plan to make sure he was on the right track and set him up with PowerPoint. Dd(1st grade) has some homework to do which I am helping her with and we plan to get it done this weekend. Evenings after school/work/activities (we get home at 5)are really hard to get things like homework projects done. Half the time I feel like it's homework for me because I need to remind the kids about it or have to buy special supplies, which are difficult to do during the week.

 

[Skippy918]

As for hobbies, I take a dance class, I also crochet and my kids and I volunteer once a month. I work full time and right now we're trying to get back into the school routine. I do feel like a chauffeur most nights.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

I work full time hours, but they are very flexible and I am home with my daughter most days. I miss her when I'm working, but I enjoy that time to be productive. I can actually get tasks done without hearing "mom!" a million times.

I also enjoy the fredom that having my own income gives me. I know that I have choices in life, and I will never have to stay in a bad situation due to lack of resources. And if anything ever happened to DH's job, I know I can support us.

Everye once in awhile, I get some burnout, and I wish I could always be home. Then I'll have a stretch of 4 or 5 days off and I realize why I could never be happy as a stay at home wife.

 

[tzolkin]

I wasn't the one who originally said this, but there were a lot of things that came out in the 50s/60s that did makehousework exponentially easier (Iwouldnt automatically draw the line that it eliminates the need for someone to stay home).

Widespread ownership of
Laundry dryers- the total time it takes ME to do a load of laundry is about 3 minutes (throw it in the washer, put it in the dryer, take it out of the dryer-1 min each). I remember helping my grandmother line dry clothes- thT was a 20 minute activity hanging everything with clothes pins and then another 5 minutes to go out later and gather it.

Dishwashers- I already complain about how long it takes to wash the pots and pans that don't go in the dishwasher, but hand washing glasses, plates, utinsels adds time to your day. I remember when my grandparents bought a dishwasher and my grandpa said "this way your grandma can come sit with me and watch TV or go for a walk which I know she would enjoy" -um first sexist grandpa wth you can't help? And second kinda sweet

Vacuums- current vacuums take half the time to use between their better quality, bigger/or no bags, lighter for moving around the house

Inexpensive commercial clothing- ever wonder why everyone in the pictures of the Great Depression had holes in their clothes? It's because a pair of shoes could easily be HALF of your weekly wage, pants were a third. With clothing so expensive many women made their own or spent hours each week mending and darning. Unless you love to see most people don't spend anytime making their clothes.

Inexpensive Food- if you were someone with some land-even a suburb- you probably had a vegetable garden because food was SO expensive back in the day. Time spent growing, canning, preserving.

Cooking- I remember my grandmother baking bread every Monday and Thursday. She made pie crusts and cakes from scratch. I don't think she ever used any packaged cooking aids (stuffing, spaghetti sauce, even pasta) everything was made from scratch. I try to cook a meal every day and even using store bought sauces and pastas it takes a chunk of time. I can't imagine adding pastas and breads from scratch.
Etc, etc

In the 40s when women had to go work during WWII there were campaigns basically telling women it was fine to let the house go because it was literally impossible to work and keep the house.

I don't think the above list means there's no longer value in staying home, I do think that it has made it possible for women to both work a job and take care of the house and family.

I suppose I was thinking most of these conveniences came about prior to the 1960s, but I may have been off on my timing.

That said, many people still do these things, so they haven't necessarily been "eliminated" and certainly not for some with lower incomes. I know plenty of people (myself included when my kids were younger) who do not have a dishwasher, line dry clothes, garden for food, do all the cooking, and sew. Heck, until we moved three years ago we heated our home with coal stoves that I had to refill throughout the day.

Even with these conveniences, there are plenty of worthwhile activities to keep one busy that have been mentioned repeatedly in this thread. I guess I've just heard the snarky "what do you do all day?" comment too many times. So I read the PP more along the lines of "with all these modern conveniences, what can you possibly be doing other than lying around all day?"

 

[JaneBanks]

Oh I hate the "what do you do all day" question when it's used to be an insult/accusation of some kind.

None of your business, that's what!

 

[tzolkin]

And with many of those "conveniences" came higher expectations and an increased workload on the housewife. Housewives/SAHMs are just as busy, and in some respects busier, than women of past generations.

Here's an overview article that explains this:
http://www.salvomag.com/unpragmatic-thoughts/?p=71

And this is a much more in depth article:
http://www.salvomag.com/unpragmatic-thoughts/?p=1738

Both very interesting reads.

Interesting articles.

The increased parenting expectations has been a hot topic, but I think we fail to think about the increased expectations for housework (even without children).

In the past, an average family did not live in a 3000 sqft home with multiple bathrooms that required constant cleaning, they didn't do laundry on a daily basis, and there were not the same pressures to plan and prepare the variety and quality of meals that we have come to expect.

 

[ashley0139]

I think it's great that people can/want to make the choice to stay home with their kids.

I just wish we as a society were at a place where it was generally about equally likely that it was the man (if there is a man in the relationship) staying home. There's absolutely no reason it always has to be the woman that stays home. And the fact that the man usually makes more than the woman and that is why she stays home is another issue to look at as a society.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

Oh I hate the "what do you do all day" question when it's used to be an insult/accusation of some kind.

None of your business, that's what!

Exactly.

I've been a homemaker for the last 22 years. During that time, I worked full time for one year, while my husband was out of work. I've also worked part time. I am currently working 8-12 hours a week. Six of that is at my work location. The rest is done at home.

It started out that I was staying home with our son. I am a big believer in the "stay at home mother" family model. I get that it doesn't work for everyone. We gave up a lot when I quit working full time. Our son is now 22. He certainly doesn't need me at home. In fact, he isn't here most of the time. He is either at school or work.

At this point in my life I would have a very hard time getting a full time job. Not because I am not qualified, but due to my medical conditions. And quite honestly, both my husband and I like the fact that I am home and able to take care of much of the day to day operations for the household.

 

[Mermaid02]

I got done working a year ago when my then boyfriend (now fiance) asked me to move to Virginia. Three months ago he took a job overseas (he is retired military and now working as a civilian contractor) and we are saving like crazy to build our dream home out of pocket as much as possible. If I got a job now it would impact our time to be together, for instance he is coming home in November for 3 weeks, we are getting married and visiting family as well as taking a honeymoon. Then when he goes back I will head to Maine to spend Christmas with family- no job would let me take that much time off. I am perfectly happy not working- if I get "bored" I will volunteer at an animal shelter. It's not really anybody's business. A few women have told me that they wish they could do this and others I know would be bored stiff.

 

[tzolkin]

I think it's great that people can/want to make the choice to stay home with their kids.

I just wish we as a society were at a place where it was generally about equally likely that it was the man (if there is a man in the relationship) staying home. There's absolutely no reason it always has to be the woman that stays home. And the fact that the man usually makes more than the woman and that is why she stays home is another issue to look at as a society.

I know it's not remotely equal yet, but several of the people I'm closest to (both of my best friends and my brother) have marriages where the man is the primary caregiver for the children and the wife earns the primary (or only) income so I think it is becoming more "normal".

 

[gotomu212]

I suppose I was thinking most of these conveniences came about prior to the 1960s, but I may have been off on my timing.

That said, many people still do these things, so they haven't necessarily been "eliminated" and certainly not for some with lower incomes. I know plenty of people (myself included when my kids were younger) who do not have a dishwasher, line dry clothes, garden for food, do all the cooking, and sew. Heck, until we moved three years ago we heated our home with coal stoves that I had to refill throughout the day.

Even with these conveniences, there are plenty of worthwhile activities to keep one busy that have been mentioned repeatedly in this thread. I guess I've just heard the snarky "what do you do all day?" comment too many times. So I read the PP more along the lines of "with all these modern conveniences, what can you possibly be doing other than lying around all day?"

No I totally understand your viewpoint and you're absolutely right that a lot of people still do things the older ways or have different commitments. I was just trying to say that in my grandmothers time it simply wouldn't have been POSSIBLE for her to work outside the home, even if she wanted to, given everything she had to do and the way she had to do it.

I think the fantastic thing about our time is that many women get to make the CHOICE for what works best for them and their family situations. A couple generations ago, many women didn't really get much choice.

The ridiculous part is that with those choices comes a lot of judgement. Those that don't work outside the home have to deal with the "what do you do all day" stupidity and those that do work outside the home hear "I guess we just care about our kids' upbringing and want to be there more than you do" stupidity.

 

[BadPinkTink]

I think the fantastic thing about our time is that many women get to make the CHOICE for what works best for them and their family situations. A couple generations ago, many women didn't really get much choice.
.

This line struck a cord with me and I guess its why many woman of my generation and younger have such a desire to work and be financially independent, no matter what our situation. My country, Ireland, in 1933 introduced a marriage ban. This meant that woman had no choice, they HAD be to be a SAHW or SAHM. All woman, no matter what their job or career were no longer allowed to work once they got married. This lasted right up until 1973.

I guess when I see all the woman of my mums and grandmothers generation who could have had amazing careers but were not allowed to, its hard for me to understand why someone who choose to be a SAHW

http://www.thejournal.ie/giving-up-work-when-married-1852776-Dec2014/

 

[georgina]

This line struck a cord with me and I guess its why many woman of my generation and younger have such a desire to work and be financially independent, no matter what our situation. My country, Ireland, in 1933 introduced a marriage ban. This meant that woman had no choice, they HAD be to be a SAHW or SAHM. All woman, no matter what their job or career were no longer allowed to work once they got married. This lasted right up until 1973.

I guess when I see all the woman of my mums and grandmothers generation who could have had amazing careers but were not allowed to, its hard for me to understand why someone who choose to be a SAHW

http://www.thejournal.ie/giving-up-work-when-married-1852776-Dec2014/

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My mom was born on a farm in Ireland, so there was always plenty of work whether you were married or not! I don't understand why you can't understand that some of us don't feel the need for outside work for personal satisfaction. Why work at a job I don't enjoy if I don't have to? Just because you have a choice to do something doesn't mean you are obligated to do it.

I have a college degree which I paid for myself, I worked before staying home with my 3 kids, and had zero desire to go back after they grew up. Fortunately I did not have to go back for financial reasons. I had the education and skill and could have gone back if necessary due to divorce, DH losing his job, etc. There were other moms around so I did not feel the social isolation others mention. I was always very busy and not bored.

 

[katie01]

Interesting articles.

The increased parenting expectations has been a hot topic, but I think we fail to think about the increased expectations for housework (even without children).

In the past, an average family did not live in a 3000 sqft home with multiple bathrooms that required constant cleaning, they didn't do laundry on a daily basis, and there were not the same pressures to plan and prepare the variety and quality of meals that we have come to expect.

Yes, especially since I just learned on the Dis that you aren't supposed to use a bath towel more than once. I was already washing two loads of laundry a day, daily bath towel washings for 5 people (and DS has to take two showers a day--they are required to take one after PE, then he has to take another one after his after school sport) is going to be quite time-consuming!

 

[BadPinkTink]

@georgina I guess when something has been denied to generations of women in my country, Im more appreciative of the fact that there IS a choice now.

 

[georgina]

That's fine, but again it is a CHOICE. I feel appreciative of the choice as well, I have 3 children who all work. But to not understand that others might wish to make a different choice? My paying job did not do much to enrich society. My several volunteer jobs I do now have a direct positive impact on my community. My job caused me a great deal of stress. My volunteer jobs are flexible and I can set my own schedule.

 

[ashley0139]

I know it's not remotely equal yet, but several of the people I'm closest to (both of my best friends and my brother) have marriages where the man is the primary caregiver for the children and the wife earns the primary (or only) income so I think it is becoming more "normal".

That's great!

 

[gotomu212]

I guess when I see all the woman of my mums and grandmothers generation who could have had amazing careers but were not allowed to, its hard for me to understand why someone who choose to be a SAHW]

It is incredibly frustrating, and sad, when people don't get a choice; but getting a choice means another avenue opens up for people NOT that everyone must happily jump onto the new avenue. In your example there were also women of those generations who were happy staying inside the home- should they have been told "sorry all women are allowed to work now and therefore must work, some of you will be unhappy"? That's just a different side of the same coin.

In the US until very recently women couldn't serve in all positions and branches of the military. I am very happy those positions are now open and for all the women that have joined up in these new roles-but I also understand why every woman hasn't.

 

[PollyannaMom]

@erin1715 there is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely...Have you [ever] asked the SAHM you know or your mom about being lonely, about missing adult conversations?...

Honestly, I had more adult conversations as a SAMH than I do now. I ran a playgroup with other SAHMs, chatted with the neighbor ladies, met MIL for lunch... Now, on days that I work, it's me an 25 kids - my conversations are about as far from "adult" as you can get.

I see many posters cite failing marriages, illness, job loss, death of the spouse as reasons to stay in the workforce. I'm not sure letting fear of what might happen should dictate the choices we make for the lives we lead...

Amen! I'm not willing to be a stressed out mess now (and I'm not saying everyone is, just that I would be) just in case I might need that skill later.

...I say things like, "Don't borrow trouble," and "Ok, this is bad. How can we fix this?" Before we got together, I was living from paycheck to paycheck, and content as could be. When he took me to the store to pick out an engagement ring, I chose a cheap birthstone ring instead (and I'm still wearing it). When I showed it to my mother (who is another planner-type), her reaction was, "But, what are you going to pawn when he leaves you with three kids!?"

I told her what I've told him, a million times, "I'll worry about it when it happens."

So, yes, I stayed home with my kids, and I'm still at home now. I've barely ever held a "real" job in my life. I could absolutely end up in dire straits if my husband left me, but, you know what? I'm not worried. It's not in my character. I have enjoyed the most amazingly fantastic, happy, joyful 25 years, and I wouldn't give any of it away for all the "security" in the world.

This life suits me perfectly. It suits my husband, too. But we could not trade roles. What's right for me, would not be right for him.

We shouldn't judge people as being stupid or foolish or unwise, just because they take what seems to us to be a risky path through life. And if we DO take that path, we shouldn't be judging people who've chosen to be more cautious. There's no right or wrong here. It's just a matter of personality. I'm darn lucky my husband is the person he is, and he says he's darn lucky to have me in his life.

As for what I tell people... I tell them all sorts of things. I was a home schooler. A housewife. For awhile, when I was writing a novel, I told them I was a writer. Sometimes I make and sell crafts. These days I'm tutoring a handful of kids in reading, science and math, so that's what I tell people. There's so much I'm interested in, and so much to talk about, that I can't actually think of any times when people have overtly looked down on me for not having proper paid employment.

I love this response, and I feel the same the way! I work part time, and I love my job, but there is so much more to me than just the hours I spend at work, and I need balance to be "the whole me".

...DH and I just like our life best with 1 1/2 jobs between us. Even with the kids gone, with both of us working full time life was just racing by at a pace we didn't enjoy. When I'm home more, it frees up time for me and for DH...

I'm all for women being able to work outside the home. We fought hard for workforce equality and deserve it. However, it saddens me that now people seem to think that the "work" people do outside of a paycheck somehow doesn't have value.

I find the idea that every adult in household has to be working to be one that squelches choices rather than liberates.

Us too (on the 1 1/2 thing). It gives us enough money to do what's important to us and enough time to do it the way we like. My flexible schedule is the safety valve we need to make our household run smoothly.

And I agree about choice. Choice is good, but simply trading one expectation for another isn't.

These are exactly my feelings.

Why would I work at a job that I don't like and deny my family the quality of life that we currently enjoy simply because something bad might happen? I would much rather struggle if and when a crisis arises than sacrifice for years in the meantime.

We also feel that our family life benefits tremendously from me not working (or at least not full time). The added stress has not been worth the extra money for us. And, honestly, I think me having more time saves us way more money (I spend more time budgeting, cooking, etc than I could if I were working full time). It's very frustrating when we encounter constant judging and the prevailing attitude that I "don't contribute" to our household or that my husband "takes care" of me. My husband views me as an equal partner, truly values the work that I do, and is extremely grateful for the benefits he receives...

Exactly! There are many ways of contributing to a household. It's a very personal decision for each family to figure out what kind of lifestyle they want and how to divide up all that contributes to that lifestyle.

I have felt so lucky to be able to be flexible as to working/not/part time. It's weird to me that some people don't see that as a best case scenario. Heck, in our opinion the only thing better would be for DH to have that flexibility too! He's hoping to retire early. We both really prioritize free time.

Totally agree!

I sometimes wonder how people who have to work all day ever manage to fit it all in.

Me too!!

I think the attitude that you can't be a stay at home mom, is no different than the attitude that you must be one.

Same society dictating what you must do the be a real woman.

Yep.

Just because you have a choice to do something doesn't mean you are obligated to do it.

So true, and I think it gets forgotten a lot. I hate being told I'm "wasting the efforts" of the women who came before me if I don't take advantage of what they wanted.

Oh I hate the "what do you do all day" question when it's used to be an insult/accusation of some kind.

None of your business, that's what!

Just quote Pinky and the Brain at them next time: