Are you a stay-at-home wife?

[Colleen27]

I admit I have often thought about women in the past, like in my mother's time (1950's-1960s) and how they didn't work before having kids. But while I think that was a bit odd, I find it odder still that women don't work in our current time. We have so many more conveniences and just don't have the need to be housewives full time without children. So, I guess I would be curious. What do you do? I don't think that is such a strange question.

I'm not sure what conveniences have made life that much easier that adding 40+ hours of work doesn't preempt other tasks.

Something I've noticed, between my grandmother's generation and my mom's and my own is that very few of the women I know who work and have kids also have hobbies. My grandmother stayed home or worked part time. And she sewed, gardened, and tatted. I can't think of many working women of my mom's or my generation that have hobbies like that. They have work, family, and household responsibilities, and wish lists of books they want to read, crafts they want to learn, projects they want to finish "someday", when they have time. And each generation seems to socialize less than the one before, so much so that a lot of traditional social groups are teetering on the brink of extinction. I think, and a fair number of time use studies bear this out, that for most working women it isn't that modern conveniences have made working fit better into the day but rather that work has crowded out hobbies and other chosen pastimes. And there are definitely benefits to that shift, especially for women who enjoy their work, but there can also be significant downsides.

 

[Colleen27]

Volunteer with the church. Volunteer with charities. Cook. Clean. Garden. Run errands. In the afternoon, teach kids to read, write, do their sums and science. Read. Write. Craft. Learn to speak Japanese (one my newest projects). Learn various other new skills (because I love learning new things). Hang out with my husband, just having fun.

I sometimes wonder how people who have to work all day ever manage to fit it all in.

And travel. That's a big one for me. Being off when DH is off, and when the kids are off, means we go a lot more places than if we were trying to coordinate vacation-time requests with two different employers, or worse, using up our vacation time on snow days and doctors visits and other routine things (because neither of us has had jobs that were particularly generous with vacation or personal time).

Have fun learning Japanese, BTW. I took one semester in college to fulfill a language requirement, and have been playing with Mango and Memrise ever since to try to build on it.

 

[Skippy918]

One of my friend's I used to work with is a house husband. His kids are in college, him and his wife just moved for her job. She's a high level executive. He doesn't really need to work and after he was laid off he had trouble finding work since he didn't have a degree. He didn't mind at all that his wife is the breadwinner.

 

[aprilgail]

I've seen too many divorces to be comfortable being a stay at home mom/wife.

I would do part-time or something flexible to keep skills up and keep contributing to retirement/savings/fun things. Or use it as an opportunity to do something that I really love? or go back to school?

I agree- I would never leave myself that vulnerable with just depending on someone elses money. My daughter just started college and I would be a bit bent paying all this money for college for her to turn around and be a stay at home mom. Plus I would hate for her to be relying on someone elses money and not have a job and means to support herself.

 

[Wendy31]

I went to college & was working when DH & I were married. After our oldest child was born, I went back to work when she was 3 months old, but, when our next child was born, I quit working to stay home w/ both.

When our 2nd child started kindergarten, I went back to work until our 3rd child was born.

I'm now a stay-at-home mom & have no plans to return to the workforce. (Of course, if something happened w/ DH's job, I would.) Right now, our kids are in school, & their school & different schedules keep me busy.

Additionally, my being at home has allowed DH to have a nice-paying job w/ varied hours. I've been the "constant" at home, & he hasn't had to take sick leave or anything like that. And, like another poster mentioned, we haven't had to work around 2 different work schedules.

My mom retired after working at one place for over 40 years. Just recently she asked me if I had plans to ever go back to work, & I think she was a ldisappointed when I said that I didn't. She misses work & "having something to do"; she also misses the day-to-day contact w/ co-workers. I told her that, after the kids were grown & my schedule was a bit freer, I planned to volunteer & keep myself busy w/ other things.

However, back to the OP, I don't think a woman needs children in order to justify staying at home, & there are all kinds of different ways a woman can both contribute to her family/household (& to her community in general) & find personal fulfillment.

 

[tzolkin]

I agree- I would never leave myself that vulnerable with just depending on someone elses money. My daughter just started college and I would be a bit bent paying all this money for college for her to turn around and be a stay at home mom. Plus I would hate for her to be relying on someone elses money and not have a job and means to support herself.

I have a $250,000+ education and I don't feel that it was a waste. It has enhanced me as a person regardless of whether I see a paycheck as a result.

Fortunately, my parents support my choices so there's no conflict there. (But, they also did not contribute a penny to my education.) My oldest is in college and I just want her to live a meaningful life. I don't care what path that takes for her.

My husband had a falling out with his family because his mother is very judgmental about this very issue. I cannot imagine not speaking to my child or grandchildren for four years over something so insignificant. Your disdain does not bode well for your relationship with your daughter if she fails to live up to your expectations. Do you really want her to feel obligated to make decisions about her life out of fear that you will resent and look down on her rather than having the freedom to decide what is best for her and her family?

I also have a completely different perspective than you seem to. I don't feel that I am relying on "someone else's money" nor am I unable to support myself. My marriage could be likened to a business partnership where we both contribute equally to our shared financial success. We have also prepared for potential catastrophes with adequate insurance and savings. And, I am a perfectly capable and intelligent person who could survive if a crisis arose.

 

[Turn the Page]

And travel. That's a big one for me. Being off when DH is off, and when the kids are off, means we go a lot more places than if we were trying to coordinate vacation-time requests with two different employers, or worse, using up our vacation time on snow days and doctors visits and other routine things (because neither of us has had jobs that were particularly generous with vacation or personal time).

Have fun learning Japanese, BTW. I took one semester in college to fulfill a language requirement, and have been playing with Mango and Memrise ever since to try to build on it.

This is true for us too. DH works for a great company with a wonderful benefits package. He gets 4 weeks paid vacation a year. If I were to get a job I would be lucky to get 2. We wouldn't be traveling nearly as much if we only had 2 weeks to work with.

 

[punkin]

I was a sahm up until last week when I dropped my last child off at college. Now I guess I'm a stay at home wife. I'm not considering going back to work immediately because there is a good possibility dh might have to move for his job, but I very well might go to work when that's settled, if anyone will hire a 50 year old lawyer who hasn't practiced in almost 20 years.

 

[lovin'fl]

And travel. That's a big one for me. Being off when DH is off, and when the kids are off, means we go a lot more places than if we were trying to coordinate vacation-time requests with two different employers, or worse, using up our vacation time on snow days and doctors visits and other routine things (because neither of us has had jobs that were particularly generous with vacation or personal time).

Have fun learning Japanese, BTW. I took one semester in college to fulfill a language requirement, and have been playing with Mango and Memrise ever since to try to build on it.

Travel is big for me too. As I mentioned, our youngest (twins) just went to college so I could go get a job now but we travel a lot. DH gets something like four weeks off so we can. He does work on our trips though. But the kind of job I will be able to get won't be too pleased to give me off like 8 times a year....three trips and five pick up/drop offs at college for DDs who are 9 hours away (with our old hometown and all our family being halfway point so we visit there in route).

Still I think I will get a little store clerk job in January. At some point DDs will have a car at college and we can eliminate all the drop off/pick up trips.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I agree- I would never leave myself that vulnerable with just depending on someone elses money. My daughter just started college and I would be a bit bent paying all this money for college for her to turn around and be a stay at home mom. Plus I would hate for her to be relying on someone elses money and not have a job and means to support herself.

Sometimes life has a way of changing your plans. My daughter was born ill and almost died. After that we found out she had a heart defect. She was VERY sick. (she is 26 today and she will need more surgery.)

Back then preexisting conditions were a thing, remember those, and my dh was unable to GET a job because she needed life saving surgery (he had just graduated college). The cardiologist told us to hold off on the job until after her surgery. We did.

The surgeon recommend no daycare because of her heart. She was always sick it seemed.

I got a job when she was 3ish and then got pregnant again and repeated the bedrest thing. This one was more intense and I was on drugs and had a month long hospital stay with that.

Both of my dd's were premies by 5 weeks. There are also other components to my family dynamic that are not picture perfect.

I have had jobs off and on. Right now I am not working and dealing with medical issues myself after having breast cancer last yr. I was working in my field for a couple of yrs and now I have to shift it because I can no longer do that type of work.

I will get another job for sure. I am thinking of starting my own business as well.

 

[jen7233]

Currently, yes. However, I am currently job searching. The reason is I'm not comfortable with where our retirement savings is, and would also like to save at a higher and more rapid rate for our retirement house when we leave active duty which is on the horizon shortly.

I've been in and out of the work force since my 10 year old was born. On one hand, I've enjoyed being home during periods of unemployment, and not thinking about a work schedule as this is so much easier with taking to/picking kids up from school, sick kids, vacation, sports, household chores, etc. On the other hand, I will readily say it has hurt my advancement and career opportunities to go in and out. Also, have not had the savings/retirement level we could have if I retained steady employment.

 

[ronandannette]

Volunteer with the church. Volunteer with charities. Cook. Clean. Garden. Run errands. In the afternoon, teach kids to read, write, do their sums and science. Read. Write. Craft. Learn to speak Japanese (one my newest projects). Learn various other new skills (because I love learning new things). Hang out with my husband, just having fun.

I sometimes wonder how people who have to work all day ever manage to fit it all in.

For the vast majority, the fact is simply that they don't. Having lived both sides of this discussion, I'm likely speaking for more than myself when I say that given the limitations of a 24-hour day, one really can't "have it all". Or do it all, as it were. Now, maybe many women with careers outside the home don't even want to do a lot of the things that you and I would both agree really add to the quality of life. Not everybody has the same interests. But as far as that goes, spending 50 hours a week at a workplace means that many personal pursuits go by the wayside.

Heck, I'd venture that many of us don't even know what we'd enjoy doing other than work and caring for our families because we've never had the chance to think about it. And as to the "modern conveniences" that have rendered hands-on household management obsolete? Most of that involves hiring others to do things, and I'd venture most of us aren't earning enough to pay a "staff".

 

[sk!mom]

But he has still not been supportive of me not working. He was most supportive when we had three littles that would have cost more in daycare than I'd have made....though even then he seemed to still want me working. It's like he is bitter about working so hard at his career and thinks I was just having fun party times.

So I guess I will get a fun part time job at a place where I can use the discount, a store I shop at, and then I'd say I work there to have some time out of a boring empty house or time apart from DH ( which IS needed, LOL).

I think everyone should do what is right for their situation but it doesn't seem fair to your DH to make him shoulder the full financial responsibility when he doesn't want too. Your final statement makes it sound like it hasn't been beneficial to your relationship either.

It really depends on the family/spousal dynamics. For me unless I had young kids at home or special circumstances like being a caregiver I would feel guilty about being home doing hobbies like reading and going to gym while someone else worked to support me. Retirement is a different ball game. I will probably retire before my spouse as I have a better pension and I'm a couple years older. At that time I'll have no qualms about doing what I want to do!

This is me too. I would feel very guilty to have my DH bearing the full financial load without kids in the mix. I took 3 years off with kids and to add to my education to better my opportunities. I now love my job. I will admit that the child raising years were hectic and exhausting at times but our solution for that was that DH made a career switch to something that made him happier and able to contribute and be involved more at home.

By and large, no regrets here, DD21 is in her final year of college and will graduate without loans because she had a working mom.

To the OP, if you have no financial need to work, have you considering looking for work that you would enjoy? I have a friend who spent years, after marrying, working one day a week in the field she was trained in so that she could keep her skills, resume, and certifications up. The other days, she worked at a nonprofit dog rescue. This job had terrible pay but it was her true love and money wasn't a concern.

Honestly though, I'm a big proponent of "you do you." If you really want to quit and your DH is onboard then I think it's silly to let the opinions/comments of others have any influence on your decision.

 

[Colleen27]

I agree- I would never leave myself that vulnerable with just depending on someone elses money. My daughter just started college and I would be a bit bent paying all this money for college for her to turn around and be a stay at home mom. Plus I would hate for her to be relying on someone elses money and not have a job and means to support herself.

The degree and education are the means to support herself, should the need arise. That's the value in the education even if it is never used in the workforce (as well as the personal growth).

My mom feels much the same as you do and it has really strained our relationship at times. She always worked - 42 years for the same employer - and talked often about what a good thing it was that she did so because she did end up raising us on her own. She was very upset when I decided to stay home with the kids, and even moreso when we moved to the country which sort of locked in that choice (not many jobs around here in my former profession). She sees it as a foolish risk, relying on DH financially, and as a waste of my potential. What I want, and how I want to raise my kids, should be secondary to hedging my bets in case of divorce and making the most of my education (income-wise - I actually do use both my IT training and my journalism/PR degree in the volunteering I do).

I also have a completely different perspective than you seem to. I don't feel that I am relying on "someone else's money" nor am I unable to support myself. My marriage could be likened to a business partnership where we both contribute equally to our shared financial success. We have also prepared for potential catastrophes with adequate insurance and savings. And, I am a perfectly capable and intelligent person who could survive if a crisis arose.

That's how I see it too. We have planned for the unexpected. We've also structured our lives such a way that either of us could maintain on our own, should the need arise, and we have insurance to protect against the truly unpredictable in life. And in a sense, the ability to go back to work and therefore add a significant amount to the household income is a back-up plan of its own; I know a lot of working women who struggle post-divorce and two-income families where a layoff was just as catastrophic as if they'd only had one breadwinner because their lifestyle was built around every dime of both incomes.

I think everyone should do what is right for their situation but it doesn't seem fair to your DH to make him shoulder the full financial responsibility when he doesn't want too. Your final statement makes it sound like it hasn't been beneficial to your relationship either.

I agree wholeheartedly with this. Whatever choice gets made, both spouses should be on the same page about it. This isn't a "do we have another child?" type of question, where there is no middle ground and one spouse has to "win" over the other - if the breadwinner doesn't like shouldering the whole financial responsibility alone or the at-home spouse isn't feeling fulfilled, there are compromises that can be made in terms of part-time, freelance, contract, temp work that can balance concerns about time and finances.

 

[kidshop]

I agree- I would never leave myself that vulnerable with just depending on someone elses money. My daughter just started college and I would be a bit bent paying all this money for college for her to turn around and be a stay at home mom. Plus I would hate for her to be relying on someone elses money and not have a job and means to support herself.

I think the attitude that you can't be a stay at home home mom, is no different than the attitude that you must be one.

Same society dictating what you must do the be a real woman.

 

[tzolkin]

I would feel very guilty to have my DH bearing the full financial load without kids in the mix.

Now that our kids are a bit older, I have had a bit of guilt at times, but then my DH and I talk and I realize that it's totally unfounded.

I have both worked and not worked at various points throughout our marriage. DH is supportive of whatever I want to do, but I know he prefers when I don't work or work minimally. For him, it's less stressful because he doesn't have to think about all the little details as much since I have the time to take care of everything.

He is passionate about his career and finds it very fulfilling. So, me being at home has allowed him to advance in ways that would be much more difficult (or not possible at all) otherwise.

 

[gotomu212]

What "conveniences" have eliminated any reason for one spouse to not work outside the home? (Genuinely curious. I really don't see a huge change.)

Many who are at home without kids have posted about a variety of things they do-- volunteering in numerous capacities, helping family/neighbors, art, etc.

I wasn't the one who originally said this, but there were a lot of things that came out in the 50s/60s that did makehousework exponentially easier (Iwouldnt automatically draw the line that it eliminates the need for someone to stay home).

Widespread ownership of
Laundry dryers- the total time it takes ME to do a load of laundry is about 3 minutes (throw it in the washer, put it in the dryer, take it out of the dryer-1 min each). I remember helping my grandmother line dry clothes- thT was a 20 minute activity hanging everything with clothes pins and then another 5 minutes to go out later and gather it.

Dishwashers- I already complain about how long it takes to wash the pots and pans that don't go in the dishwasher, but hand washing glasses, plates, utinsels adds time to your day. I remember when my grandparents bought a dishwasher and my grandpa said "this way your grandma can come sit with me and watch TV or go for a walk which I know she would enjoy" -um first sexist grandpa wth you can't help? And second kinda sweet

Vacuums- current vacuums take half the time to use between their better quality, bigger/or no bags, lighter for moving around the house

Inexpensive commercial clothing- ever wonder why everyone in the pictures of the Great Depression had holes in their clothes? It's because a pair of shoes could easily be HALF of your weekly wage, pants were a third. With clothing so expensive many women made their own or spent hours each week mending and darning. Unless you love to see most people don't spend anytime making their clothes.

Inexpensive Food- if you were someone with some land-even a suburb- you probably had a vegetable garden because food was SO expensive back in the day. Time spent growing, canning, preserving.

Cooking- I remember my grandmother baking bread every Monday and Thursday. She made pie crusts and cakes from scratch. I don't think she ever used any packaged cooking aids (stuffing, spaghetti sauce, even pasta) everything was made from scratch. I try to cook a meal every day and even using store bought sauces and pastas it takes a chunk of time. I can't imagine adding pastas and breads from scratch.
Etc, etc

In the 40s when women had to go work during WWII there were campaigns basically telling women it was fine to let the house go because it was literally impossible to work and keep the house.

I don't think the above list means there's no longer value in staying home, I do think that it has made it possible for women to both work a job and take care of the house and family.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I admit I have often thought about women in the past, like in my mother's time (1950's-1960s) and how they didn't work before having kids. But while I think that was a bit odd, I find it odder still that women don't work in our current time. We have so many more conveniences and just don't have the need to be housewives full time without children. So, I guess I would be curious. What do you do? I don't think that is such a strange question.

I wasn't the one who originally said this, but there were a lot of things that came out in the 50s/60s that did makehousework exponentially easier (Iwouldnt automatically draw the line that it eliminates the need for someone to stay home).

Widespread ownership of
Laundry dryers- the total time it takes ME to do a load of laundry is about 3 minutes (throw it in the washer, put it in the dryer, take it out of the dryer-1 min each). I remember helping my grandmother line dry clothes- thT was a 20 minute activity hanging everything with clothes pins and then another 5 minutes to go out later and gather it.

Dishwashers- I already complain about how long it takes to wash the pots and pans that don't go in the dishwasher, but hand washing glasses, plates, utinsels adds time to your day. I remember when my grandparents bought a dishwasher and my grandpa said "this way your grandma can come sit with me and watch TV or go for a walk which I know she would enjoy" -um first sexist grandpa wth you can't help? And second kinda sweet

Vacuums- current vacuums take half the time to use between their better quality, bigger/or no bags, lighter for moving around the house

Inexpensive commercial clothing- ever wonder why everyone in the pictures of the Great Depression had holes in their clothes? It's because a pair of shoes could easily be HALF of your weekly wage, pants were a third. With clothing so expensive many women made their own or spent hours each week mending and darning. Unless you love to see most people don't spend anytime making their clothes.

Inexpensive Food- if you were someone with some land-even a suburb- you probably had a vegetable garden because food was SO expensive back in the day. Time spent growing, canning, preserving.

Cooking- I remember my grandmother baking bread every Monday and Thursday. She made pie crusts and cakes from scratch. I don't think she ever used any packaged cooking aids (stuffing, spaghetti sauce, even pasta) everything was made from scratch. I try to cook a meal every day and even using store bought sauces and pastas it takes a chunk of time. I can't imagine adding pastas and breads from scratch.
Etc, etc

In the 40s when women had to go work during WWII there were campaigns basically telling women it was fine to let the house go because it was literally impossible to work and keep the house.

I don't think the above list means there's no longer value in staying home, I do think that it has made it possible for women to both work a job and take care of the house and family.

And with many of those "conveniences" came higher expectations and an increased workload on the housewife. Housewives/SAHMs are just as busy, and in some respects busier, than women of past generations.

Here's an overview article that explains this:
http://www.salvomag.com/unpragmatic-thoughts/?p=71

And this is a much more in depth article:
http://www.salvomag.com/unpragmatic-thoughts/?p=1738

Both very interesting reads.

 

[Colleen27]

And with many of those "conveniences" came higher expectations and an increased workload on the housewife. Housewives/SAHMs are just as busy, and in some respects busier, than women of past generations.

And in addition to the housework, for SAHMs we've added a LOT of parenting expectations that weren't there a generation or two ago - music lessons and sports teams and all the other organized activities that have taken the place of "Be home when the street lights come on" hinge on having a parent available to shuttle the kids around, and most of that falls to the mother whether or not she works. Homework has also gotten much more parent-dependent - big projects that require special materials, reports that demand online research, reading logs and planners that have to be reviewed and signed off on every night or every week. I'm a child of the 80s and the difference even between my school years and my kids' is staggering in terms of the time parents are expected to put in. For my mom and grandmother, "supporting our education" was going to conferences a couple times a year, keeping lots of books in the house and telling us to turn off the TV and read them, and working education into family time via days at zoos and museums. I can't remember my mom ever having to help with power tools or wiring for a school project (4th graders in our district build lighthouse replicas, complete with a functioning electrical circuit to run the light), and she certainly wasn't signing off on nightly planner and reading checks the way I do for my 9yo.

 

[Magpie]

For the vast majority, the fact is simply that they don't. Having lived both sides of this discussion, I'm likely speaking for more than myself when I say that given the limitations of a 24-hour day, one really can't "have it all". Or do it all, as it were. Now, maybe many women with careers outside the home don't even want to do a lot of the things that you and I would both agree really add to the quality of life. Not everybody has the same interests. But as far as that goes, spending 50 hours a week at a workplace means that many personal pursuits go by the wayside.

Heck, I'd venture that many of us don't even know what we'd enjoy doing other than work and caring for our families because we've never had the chance to think about it. And as to the "modern conveniences" that have rendered hands-on household management obsolete? Most of that involves hiring others to do things, and I'd venture most of us aren't earning enough to pay a "staff".

Actually, I would say a lot of women with careers don't want to do the things we do. Just as a lot of men don't want to do these things, either, and some men actually do (and a few are even lucky enough to do it).

We joke that our daughter is "married to science" and she agrees that she's definitely in a long term relationship with it. She's passionate about the work she's done in her university's bio lab and she dreams of someday getting her doctorate and having a lab of her own. She's not interested in cooking or keeping a house or learning to crochet (though she did make a few inches of a scarf once). She understands the value of these things, just as I understand the value of her scientific pursuits. I'm happy she's found her passion, and I'm happy to be free to pursue mine.

I do not think her life will be any less than mine, even if she ends up devoting most of it to a career. And I'm glad she's proud of me, too.