Are you a stay-at-home wife?

[Kitty 34]

I am in my 30's and I do not have children yet ( we are trying really hard though! ) I've basically been a stay at home wife since even before we got married. I was laid off of a job and I just never went back to work.

I am someone who loves alone time and I hardly ever get bored. I don't sit around and stare at the walls all day. I have plenty to do.

It really just depends on the person. Go with your gut and do what makes you and your husband happy. We only have one life to live.

Your post got me thinking. I'm retired (2 years ago) so I guess in a way I'm now a stay at home wife. Weird!! Like you, I don't get too bored and don't sit around all day twiddling my thumbs. I read a lot and play BJ three times a week at a local casino. JaneBanks, you say you have plenty to do........just curious, what fills your time?

 

[JaneBanks]

Your post got me thinking. I'm retired (2 years ago) so I guess in a way I'm now a stay at home wife. Weird!! Like you, I don't get too bored and don't sit around all day twiddling my thumbs. I read a lot and play BJ three times a week at a local casino. JaneBanks, you say you have plenty to do........just curious, what fills your time?

Other than the usual household chores and shopping, I watch my nieces a couple of days a week but this just started during the summer. I'm a big reader, I like to write a little and to paint (but I am no artist lol). I also belong to an organization that keeps me pretty busy. I have a friend who also stays at home so we get together and do things. I'll be honest, there are days where I can just hang at home and find something to occupy my time. I'm being honest when I say that I rarely get bored; it takes a lot for me to get there.

I socialize plenty with friends and the organization that I am a part of. Plus, my husband is great company so I never feel lonely or isolated.

Congratulations on your retirement!

 

[kirstenb1]

I'm a substitute teacher, so I get to make my own hours. We have 2 kids. I go to the gym everyday, and volunteer at the school, church, and food pantry. Plus I get to do all the cool chores, like cleaning the gutters, staining the deck etc. I feel very fortunate to have this choice. My husband works lots of hours and travels, so he doesn't bug me about getting a full time job. I view all this as "right now". Tomorrow could change for any of us.

 

[lifesavacation]

I could never be a stay at home wife. My husband is way too much of a micro-manager. I could totally see him trying to manage my time or judging me if the toilets weren't sparkling clean. No thank you. I'd rather be autonomous.

 

[ols386]

I always wished I could be a SAHM, but it didn't work out that way. I ended up continuing to work at the same company for over 30 years, now retired.

My adult kids turned out to be wonderful individuals. I think they would have, whether I was a SAHM or a working mom.

I say for you op, do what makes you and your DH happy. BTW, I was one of those dispicable secretaries too. (Ha ha)

 

[tzolkin]

Can I ask a follow up out of curiosity- I think all the replies on this thread have been people who have stayed home WITH kids, but the OP doesn't have any kids.

Yes, for me the kids were a big factor in the original decision, but now that DH and I are both used to this lifestyle, I can't see us changing drastically once all the kids are gone (oldest is in college already).

I could imagine now that we would both have benefited from me staying home even if we had never had any children, but I don't know that we would have seen that as an option because it is not generally regarded as acceptable in our culture. I think it is a shame that people do not see this as a viable way of contributing to society (and not just something that you can only do if you have young kids to care for). It's sad that people cannot feel valued as a human being unless they are earning a paycheck.

I do work part time for pay, but only because they offered to start paying me for something for which I was already volunteering. I mentioned in a previous post that I also volunteer in several other capacities. Plus, DH and I like the flexibility for travel and helping family. I would not have the time or the energy for these activities if I worked full time.

My mom has never worked outside of the home (she's 55), but they had a farm and she has been the caretaker for her elderly parents (both have Alzheimer's) for the last 15 years. None of her siblings could fill that role because they and their spouses all work full time.

 

[RedAngie]

I was a SAHM for 1.5 years after we moved to California, but I discovered it just wasn't for me. We could live comfortably on exH's salary, but I was bored and antsy with the kids in school and being home alone. So I found a part-time job for about a year and it led to a full time position.

ExH worked about 60 hours per week when we first moved, then eventually up to 80+ hours. That's a big reason he's my exH.

 

[CdnCarrie]

It really depends on the family/spousal dynamics. For me unless I had young kids at home or special circumstances like being a caregiver I would feel guilty about being home doing hobbies like reading and going to gym while someone else worked to support me. Retirement is a different ball game. I will probably retire before my spouse as I have a better pension and I'm a couple years older. At that time I'll have no qualms about doing what I want to do!

 

[Colleen27]

I agree that you should do what works for your family and yourself. That said you asked if people would be supportive- I've found that people are generally supportive of stay at home MOMS, but even as kids age and enter school that support does wane. I have found that people today (and in the younger age groups 20s-40s) are not very supportive of stay at home WIVES (without children). It's not exactly fair, but I think you would get a lot of questions like what do you actually do all day (rude) and hey since you have nothing to do all day would you find signing for a package/letting the repairman into my house/running this errand (from people other than you husband-also totally rude).

You also might find you don't like the reality of being home. Is it possible to take a 3-6 month leave from your job to try it out?

I second this on both counts. You're thinking about a decision that isn't "normal" (common) in most of our culture at this point in time. So you're going to get some comments and judgment, just like if you dyed your hair blue. Only you can decide whether or not you can deal with that. If you go for it, I'd strongly suggest a trial period, via a leave of absence or something, so you can get a feel for what kind of routines and social opportunities would be available to you during the day and how you'd handle being home full time.

Erin, this is exactly the kind of less than supportive things I've encountered in my life and what I was referring to in my earlier post.

But responding when someone asks for advice is different from unsolicited comments. The former is done from a place of helpfulness while the latter is more rude/judgmental.

Me? I'm very much his opposite. I say things like, "Don't borrow trouble," and "Ok, this is bad. How can we fix this?" Before we got together, I was living from paycheck to paycheck, and content as could be. When he took me to the store to pick out an engagement ring, I chose a cheap birthstone ring instead (and I'm still wearing it). When I showed it to my mother (who is another planner-type), her reaction was, "But, what are you going to pawn when he leaves you with three kids!?"

I told her what I've told him, a million times, "I'll worry about it when it happens."

I'm the same way. Is it a risk? Sure, but so is driving to the grocery store. I'm comfortable with it, and if it blows up in my face (which it sort of has in the past, when his construction business went belly-up during the housing crisis), I'll deal with that then.

When asked what I do, I casually tell them I'm a trophy wife. It typically gets a laugh.

I like to say I'm retired. I'm 38 and don't look my age so it usually gets a good laugh.

Yes, for me the kids were a big factor in the original decision, but now that DH and I are both used to this lifestyle, I can't see us changing drastically once all the kids are gone (oldest is in college already).

That's something we're struggling with right now. I've been home for 16 years and honestly, we're both spoiled by it. I went back to school and finished my degree, but I haven't seriously started looking for work yet because we're still navigating how that's going to work out, particularly since using my degree in the way I'd prefer would involve at least some evening and weekend work and DH has scheduled on-call and unpredictable overtime responsibilities that get in the way of having him take on routine parenting duties in the evenings. Right now, all I've done about work is registered to sub at a couple of local school districts and have started actively seeking more freelance opportunities, but the thought of going back full time comes with a lot of downsides.

 

[EveDallas]

As for failing marriages--it makes me sad that so many feel a need to "hedge their bets" for fear that a marriage will end. Probably just a commentary on our society today. Dh and I entered marriage knowing that death was the only way out. We chose each other carefully. We live our vows every day.

It might make you feel sad, but the fact is that 50% of marriages don't last. Ignoring that doesn't change the fact that it's true.

 

[disykat]

I'm currently home with no kids at home. I technically "retired" as a teacher last year, but am not drawing retirement for another 10 years because I don't have enough time in. I don't feel guilty at all about DH working to support "us." He would be working the same if I wasn't there, and me not working makes his life easier. When I'm home he loves it because he doesn't have to participate in grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. My plan is to pick up a part time job until "real" retirement because I want to, but he won't care if I don't. I support him, he supports me, who is making the money doesn't really matter to us.

I may sub if don't find a part time job soon, but DH really isn't that keen on it. (He'll support it if that's what I want to do though.) He feels like he benefits from me having a clear schedule. He's been laughing this month about how much less stress he has with me not teaching this year. (September can be a stressful month for teachers and their families!) For us, we both find a lot of value in me getting errands run and basic housework etc. done in the daytime.

I have felt so lucky to be able to be flexible as to working/not/part time. It's weird to me that some people don't see that as a best case scenario. Heck, in our opinion the only thing better would be for DH to have that flexibility too! He's hoping to retire early. We both really prioritize free time.

 

[JaneBanks]

I take care of the home and everything that goes with that and my husband goes to work. We each support the household in our own ways so I don't feel bad for not working outside of the home.

 

[AustinMommyofThree]

I can't imagine staying home without young children. I can imagine staying at home with young children, but have never had any desire to do so. But every person is different and ultimately, people should do what's right for them.

One of my proudest moments as a mother was when my daughter, when she was 8 or 9, told me "I'm proud that you work, mommy, it makes me feel good." I'm sure she would have also been proud of me if I stayed at home, but because it's what she knew, she was proud that I had a good career (and she still is).

 

[indimom]

I have always worked, but for about 16 years I worked from home. Some people judged my choice of career at that time (I owned/operated a licensed home day care). I heard comments including "What soap operas do you watch?" (roll eyes) to "Oh, it's like a real job." Literally. Verbatim.
Don't make important life decisions based on what other people think. You'll never measure up to what everyone else 'thinks' you should be doing with your life. Do what makes you and yours happy.

 

[Magpie]

I can't imagine staying home without young children. I can imagine staying at home with young children, but have never had any desire to do so. But every person is different and ultimately, people should do what's right for them.

One of my proudest moments as a mother was when my daughter, when she was 8 or 9, told me "I'm proud that you work, mommy, it makes me feel good." I'm sure she would have also been proud of me if I stayed at home, but because it's what she knew, she was proud that I had a good career (and she still is).

When our kids were finally both in school (Grade 5 in our case), my husband and I sat down and looked at the pros and cons of having me reenter the work force. And when we looked at the impact it would have on the lifestyle we'd come to enjoy, we decided it simply wasn't worth it. We enjoy the way we live too much to want to change it. Especially as we didn't have a pressing financial need for the extra money I'd bring in.

My husband likes coming home to a hot dinner, and I enjoy making it for us. He likes the fact that I can run errands and do housework and home maintenance during the day, leaving our evenings and weekends free to spend together doing things we enjoy. And so do I. I very much enjoy having the freedom to set my own schedule, choose my own tasks, and not have to answer to anyone except myself. I'm always working on different projects.

Its lovely when our children say they're proud of us. Mine have told me they're proud of me, too, though I've never had a career of any sort. They're proud of me for writing a book, for building websites, for knitting blankets for their beds, for teaching them and other kids to read and do sums, for being home with them, for making cupcakes or bread or soup when they were sad or stressed, and for all sorts of other things that I'm sure most parents do, working outside the home, or within it.

Your career is a point of pride for you, and your daughter's support is important to you. I have other things that are important to me, and I appreciate my children's support, as well.

My mother worked throughout my childhood, even earning her doctorate while I was a teenager. I was (and am!) proud of her, too, even if I didn't choose to follow in her footsteps.

The only thing that stings, is that my mother has made it sadly clear on several occasions that she's disappointed in me. She envisioned me having a career and she feels like a failure as a mother because I didn't pursue one, even though she tried to be a good example to me. So please, if your daughter ends up without a career of her own, don't be disappointed in her, or make her feel in any way that she's wasting her talents.

 

[Saphire]

Just something I've thought about a bit and wondering how many others have thought about it or are actually living it. And do you feel like people are supportive?

I admit I have often thought about women in the past, like in my mother's time (1950's-1960s) and how they didn't work before having kids. But while I think that was a bit odd, I find it odder still that women don't work in our current time. We have so many more conveniences and just don't have the need to be housewives full time without children. So, I guess I would be curious. What do you do? I don't think that is such a strange question.

 

[Magpie]

I admit I have often thought about women in the past, like in my mother's time (1950's-1960s) and how they didn't work before having kids. But while I think that was a bit odd, I find it odder still that women don't work in our current time. We have so many more conveniences and just don't have the need to be housewives full time without children. So, I guess I would be curious. What do you do? I don't think that is such a strange question.

Volunteer with the church. Volunteer with charities. Cook. Clean. Garden. Run errands. In the afternoon, teach kids to read, write, do their sums and science. Read. Write. Craft. Learn to speak Japanese (one my newest projects). Learn various other new skills (because I love learning new things). Hang out with my husband, just having fun.

I sometimes wonder how people who have to work all day ever manage to fit it all in.

 

[tzolkin]

I admit I have often thought about women in the past, like in my mother's time (1950's-1960s) and how they didn't work before having kids. But while I think that was a bit odd, I find it odder still that women don't work in our current time. We have so many more conveniences and just don't have the need to be housewives full time without children. So, I guess I would be curious. What do you do? I don't think that is such a strange question.

What "conveniences" have eliminated any reason for one spouse to not work outside the home? (Genuinely curious. I really don't see a huge change.)

Many who are at home without kids have posted about a variety of things they do-- volunteering in numerous capacities, helping family/neighbors, art, etc.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

This is a topic that I've thought about on and off for years. I always had imagined I would be a stay-at-home mom, and that was my heart's desire.

But as we know, life sometimes has other plans, and so far we haven't been able to have children. Regardless, I think I would just love to be a housewife. I like the traditional roles of husband/wife and I think I would be perfectly happy taking care of the home and volunteering at our church, while my husband works. And my husband would support me in that venture.

But I just can't bring myself to do it. I have a stable job with good benefits that I've been at over 10 years now. It would seem foolish to leave that on the table, and I likely won't ever do it unless we have children. With our two incomes combined, we are able to travel and pretty much buy what we want, but I'm in no way passionate about my office job and wouldn't miss it. I also feel like I would be incredibly judged by people. The first question someone asks when you meet them, "so what do you do?" I already get some pretty awful replies when I tell people I'm a secretary (although we do way more than that title implies), so I cannot imagine what they would say if I told them I don't work, and we don't have children. I know I shouldn't care what people think, but I think I'd even get some derogatory remarks from family.

Just something I've thought about a bit and wondering how many others have thought about it or are actually living it. And do you feel like people are supportive?

Yes, I am. I've done the whole working out of the house while raising babies thing. I hated it. We had a bit more money, but we had more stress. With me at home, there's never a worry about a kid staying home sick from school or who needs to load the dishwasher.
I tell people I'm a SAHM, and if they have a problem with it, well that's on them.

 

[jen7233]

Yes, I am. I've done the whole working out of the house while raising babies thing. I hated it. We had a bit more money, but we had more stress. With me at home, there's never a worry about a kid staying home sick from school or who needs to load the dishwasher.
I tell people I'm a SAHM, and if they have a problem with it, well that's on them.