Are you a playdate family?

[Arabella1978]

We are not a playdate family (my kids are 2 and 6 years old) - we don't care for playdates for many reasons. Anyone else feel the same? That being said, my eldest child, DD6.5 does struggle when others come here as she is very organized and neat like myself, and to be honest, most kids (my nieces included) don't know how to play, make messes, break toys, etc. So, despite these other kids having lots of playdate experiences, they still don't know how to play. We actually have taught both of our children how to play, in terms of sharing, tidying up, respecting other people's homes, etc. and this is the key to the puzzle, IMHO. So many parents use playdates as a way to teach their kids how to play, and it isn't anywhere near enough, as far as I'm concerned. As clarification, for teaching how to play, I find that so many parents just drop their kids into a playdate, and expect them to be able to play properly, and this doesn't always work in regards to tidying up, respecting others, sharing, etc.

As a teacher, I totally get that there are some positives to playdates, but for us, we don't care for them that much, and we frankly don't have time to schedule multiple sessions each week. We also worry about kids playing at our house should they get hurt on our huge backyard playstructure - it's a big responsibility to watch over somebody else's kids. How do you all with pools, play structures or trampolines deal with this?

My nieces are older, 11 and 9, and have started going on lots of playdates each weekend, and I do understand how important playing with friends is at this older age, but my kids are still really young, and so I don't think that playdates are the only way to go at this stage. For my nieces, it is a very important part of their development, but my kids are still young, and so I don't think we need a houseful of friends multiple times per week, nor do we have time for it, to be honest.

Just wondering if anyone else feels the same way - my kids have been in Montessori school since 12 months, so they get lots of socialization in this respect, plus they do different extra-curriculars, go on vacations regularly, eat out in restaurants, etc. I am wondering how other families play, with younger kids like mine, and do you parents feel that playing is the only way to socialize or culturalize your children? If you do have playdates, when do you have them - weekends, weeknights?

Just wondering how other families do it? Tiger

I get what you're saying here..and yeah honestly a playdate with just me supervising other people's kids is sort of...EXHAUSTING! lol!

But that said, I am selfish in the respect that my kiddos playdates are only scheduled with kids whose moms I like! HAHAHAHAH! My oldest is 9 so he's past playdate age...meaning he has kids over and they play on their own with little interaction from me etc.

But for my 4 year old and 1 year old I will routinely invite over other kids for them to play with, but only because I want another adult to talk to!! HAHAHAH

This is how a playdate at my house goes::

From somewhere in the house: "CRASH!!!"

ME: "Oh Lord did you hear that?"

Other kid's Mom: "Yes but no one is screaming".

ME: "And even if they were there's some bandaids in the bathroom up there, Gracie's a pro at those"

Other mom: "I noticed Gracie has a runny nose"

Me: "Yup and so will your kid in five days"

Other mom: "Maybe I should have ____ (name of youngest happily cooing in her lap) drink of out of Gracie's sippy cup so both of mine will be sick at the same time.

Me: "Okay let me get it for you, I think there's still a little saliva on the corner"


Etc...

So really, our playdates are more about getting some sanity with another mom. If the kids have fun and don't end up bleeding well than we figure it was good for them too!! HAHAHAH!

And we operate on the mantra that, "WHen I'm at your house my kids will trash the playroom and when you're at my house YOUR kids will trash the playroom."

And yeah, we don't invite others over if any of our kids are actively vomiting, but runny noses? That's fair game to share with others!! HAHAHA

 

[brymolmom]

I haven't read all replies...but I will state that it sounds, OP, like you only want your kids to play with other kids who play the same way. That, IMO, is the exact reason to have playdates (or, for older kids - the knock on the door and ask to play) - to teach kids how to handle and get along with kids who are completely different than themselves. I will agree that I totally expect kids having a great time to make a big mess (and then clean it up, of course). We have a neighborhood boy who is a very good boy but is a very selfish player - always wanting to do his own thing, etc. I love to have my ds7 play with him - I like him to learn to 'hold his own' and stick up for himself. If all kids he played with were exactly the same as he is...he wouldn't be getting this type of experience. And, he has fun as a bonus!

 

[ksjayhawkfan]

I have 4 kids, ages 13, 11, 5 and 1. For the older kids there are friends here everyday, pretty much from 330-600. And on the weekends, this house is full of kids. They are rough, dirty, eat every thing they can get their hands on, tease, and laugh.....and I wouldnt have it any other way. Yes, things get broken. Yes, there have been accidents. Totally not a big deal to us. Usually my DH is the one breaking things LOL

The 5 yr old has playdates at one friends house, and she comes to our house. We also get together with her parents weekly for dinner drinks and cards at either their house or ours. Just the other night, after being told not to run through the house, they ran through again and we had smashed fingers in the door they were trying to shut. After making sure they were ok, we used it as a teaching experience. Im glad that we have friends that raise their kids in the same way we do. I dont think my kids would feel comfortable at a house where they arent allowed to do anything, or if they have an accidental spill that they are deemed to be "bad"

 

[princessmom29]

[/B]

I know you said that this is in your school but I have to say that as a SAHM I don't have any time on my hands. I hate when anyone (a general anyone) alludes that SAHMs have nothing to do all day but have playdates and tea parties. I have also been a working Mom so I have seen it from both sides. No matter what you do life in general is simply busy.
I just wanted to put that out there.

I was maknig a generalzation, and like all generalizations it doesn't apply to everyone. In general, those who do play dates at our schools are SAHM's with time to spare, not SAHM's with lots of activities or responsibilities, or working moms on a tight schedule. I in no way meant to imply that single moms in general aren't busy, just saying that those who do have a lot of free time are the ones typically setting up multiple play dates a week.

 

[busyshrew]

This is how a playdate at my house goes::

From somewhere in the house: "CRASH!!!"

ME: "Oh Lord did you hear that?"

Other kid's Mom: "Yes but no one is screaming".

ME: "And even if they were there's some bandaids in the bathroom up there, Gracie's a pro at those"

Other mom: "I noticed Gracie has a runny nose"

Me: "Yup and so will your kid in five days"

Other mom: "Maybe I should have ____ (name of youngest happily cooing in her lap) drink of out of Gracie's sippy cup so both of mine will be sick at the same time.

Me: "Okay let me get it for you, I think there's still a little saliva on the corner"


Etc...

So really, our playdates are more about getting some sanity with another mom. If the kids have fun and don't end up bleeding well than we figure it was good for them too!! HAHAHAH!

And we operate on the mantra that, "WHen I'm at your house my kids will trash the playroom and when you're at my house YOUR kids will trash the playroom."

And yeah, we don't invite others over if any of our kids are actively vomiting, but runny noses? That's fair game to share with others!! HAHAHA

I'm in the same camp as you, obviously!!! If we cancelled because of colds and sniffles we'd never see anyone from October to April!

 

[eeyorefan74]

Such an interesting thread! OP, I think I'm with you on not being a playdate family. I never really did it when DD was a preschooler because few of my friends had kids close to her age. Now she's eight, and has started playing outside with neighborhood kids when the weather's okay, but we rarely do scheduled "dates". I guess I'm not too good at scheduling, since I never know what's going to be happening in our day, or whether I'm going to feel like being in charge of other people's kids. I do feel like my kids get plenty of socialization at school, church, and extracurricular activities, but I can see the value of playing at home as well, so I plan to do a little better at scheduling those times. Some of my friends, however, constantly have their kids' friends over, take them on vacation, etc. Too much of that would stress me out for sure.

As for the kids breaking things and causing trouble, I totally understand. I used to have my Sunday School class and their kids over for fellowships/parties fairly often, but it seemed like something was always getting destroyed. As much as I like these people, many of them just don't supervise their kids like I do, and it was very frustrating. I think there has to be a balance of family time, down time, and friend time, and I think it's okay for that to be different for every family.

 

[kirstenb1]

Arabella 1978

 

[Zeebs]

I am with Arabella, that pretty much sounds like how it works in our place.

To save my santity, there are a group of 5 of us that meet every Tuesday and Friday afternoon, We alternate houses on Tuesday and on Friday we hire a hall (for a very cheap price) so the kids run around, ride their ride ons, play games etc.

We have quite a small house so the kids dissapear upstairs, they know not to go into my room, but the kids rooms are open to them, it looks like a bomb has hit when home time comes, but they all tidy up before going home.

We were all part of our NCT group, (we all met just before the births of our eldest, while learning the basics - and not a lot of other useful stuff regarding birth) but I wouldn't be without these mums.

The kids are all very good friends, siblings have just joined the mix. As the kids get older, they are all just starting to turn 4, they will go off to different schools so will meet other kids.

I am expecting as this happens he will want to play with his new friends from school, I certainly don't want every day filled up with other kids around at our house but I do see it as part of growing up, playing independently of me, and hanging out with other kids is in my opinion part of growing up.

Kirsten

 

[ilovejack02]

When ds7 was younger we belonged to a playgroup. Great group of mom and kiddos.

Once or twice a week we either went to the park or met at someone's home.

Yes the placed was a MESS but we always picked up and with all the moms there the kids were watched pretty close.
This was our adult time too since we were all sahm, now we are all in different places, divorces have happened, some of us work, some don't etc.

Now that the kiddos are in school, we all miss the interaction, but try to get together on the holidays.

Yes it was messy and hectic, but even our nervous shy kids and mommies learned to deal.

I wouldn't change those crazy playdates for anything.

DS7 has wonderful memories and great friends because of it.

It isn't for everyone I understand, but did have a friend or two that couldn't handle the "stress" of it and now at least one looks back and has told me she wished she would have been more involved with us.

The moms are all still great friends and I am very blessed to have these woman and children in my life. If I would not have reached out to them, DS and I would have missed out on a great group of people.

 

[mamaLori05]

I didn't read the PP's, but I LOVE playdates!!! My kids are 2.5 and 4, and we have people over to play all the time. The neighbor kids 3 and 5 come over almost daily to play with my kids. Sometimes the adults come, and sometimes it's just the kids. The kids have a blast playing with the other kids, so I guess that is why I have them. It also wears them out. I'm a pretty laid back person, so if the kids want to paint, I get the painting stuff out for them. If they want to build tents out of blankets and tables, I let them at it. I've never had a problem with anything getting broken, or at least not on purpose, and I find the kids usually help clean up when they are done.

This hasn't occured yet, but if I ever ran into a situation where the child was disrespectful of things or others, I just wouldn't invite them back again. My 4 yr old has been pretty good about picking out her friends so far though. haven't had any problems with it yet. She goes (and has for the past 2 years) to preschool as well, and I have brought home preschool friends several times after school for playdates. Every family is different, but for us they work out GREAT!!

 

[Mkrop]

I hate the whole "playdate" concept. When did we start having to schedule our kid's playtime a week in advance??? My DD doesn't do playdates, quite frankly because it is difficult for us to schedule like that. She plays with the neighbor kids in the yard,their yard ect, and plays with the neighborhood kids at my parents when we are there on the weekends. I don't think scheduled "playdates" are necessary. We have enough scheduling in our life betwenn school and dance classes without adding multiple playdates every week. In our school it seems to be more SAHM's with time on their hands that are into the "playdate" thing than working moms already keeping a tight schedule.

 

[mommylovesdisney]

I get what you're saying here..and yeah honestly a playdate with just me supervising other people's kids is sort of...EXHAUSTING! lol!

But that said, I am selfish in the respect that my kiddos playdates are only scheduled with kids whose moms I like! HAHAHAHAH! My oldest is 9 so he's past playdate age...meaning he has kids over and they play on their own with little interaction from me etc.

But for my 4 year old and 1 year old I will routinely invite over other kids for them to play with, but only because I want another adult to talk to!! HAHAHAH

This is how a playdate at my house goes::

From somewhere in the house: "CRASH!!!"

ME: "Oh Lord did you hear that?"

Other kid's Mom: "Yes but no one is screaming".

ME: "And even if they were there's some bandaids in the bathroom up there, Gracie's a pro at those"

Other mom: "I noticed Gracie has a runny nose"

Me: "Yup and so will your kid in five days"

Other mom: "Maybe I should have ____ (name of youngest happily cooing in her lap) drink of out of Gracie's sippy cup so both of mine will be sick at the same time.

Me: "Okay let me get it for you, I think there's still a little saliva on the corner"

Etc...

So really, our playdates are more about getting some sanity with another mom. If the kids have fun and don't end up bleeding well than we figure it was good for them too!! HAHAHAH!

And we operate on the mantra that, "WHen I'm at your house my kids will trash the playroom and when you're at my house YOUR kids will trash the playroom."

And yeah, we don't invite others over if any of our kids are actively vomiting, but runny noses? That's fair game to share with others!! HAHAHA

Yes, this is exactly what our playdates are like

 

[PrincessTiffany]

Hmm, maybe its a Canadian thing. I knew instantly what you meant by 'playdate family'.

For us, its a bit different. DS7 loves to go out to play with friends, either their house or outdoors, when invited. I love for him to get invites because I think playing with others outside of school is important and gives him different social skills than at school or at sports activities (of which he has quite a few). [edited to add: Just saw your post above about number per week... the most playdates DS7 will have a week is one, or one every two weeks, if he had more, we'd never see him... we both work full time and the only time we have to spend a block of quality time with the children is on the weekends... I wouldn't mind weekday playdates but most of DS7's friends are in daycare after school]

DD is 4 but doesn't start school until Sept because she's a Jan baby. She has many activities that she attends but there are only a few children her age on our street so she doesn't get invited to playdates because she doesn't really know children her own age. DS2 is just too young but does have activities like gymnastics and playgroup once a week to learn to socialize.

As for in our house, I feel guilty at times but I'm not a fan of having other children over. I try to becuase if I don't, DS7 will likely not be invited to others places which is only fair. Our schedule is hectic and the only down time we have with teh children is on the weekends really. I'm selfish and like having time with them on my own. DS2 also naps in the afternoon and most of DS7's friends don't have younger brothers or sisters so its a bit disruptive to DS2's schedule when others are over (in part because he gets excited and doesn't want to nap with company in the house).

Overall, I think playdates are important but I'm not a fan of having them in my house, but I do (although likely less than other parents) I suspect my view of having other children in will change as the other two get older and get friends of their own... right now, they feel left out when DS7 has friends in ... not sure if that helps

Whew, I only made it through about half of this thread. Just reading the OPs posts stressed me out!

OP, I have a family member who's personality is almost identical to yours. Very type A, very controlling, very "neat." She started having a lot more stress as her children got older too. She started taking Paxil last year and it has made a world of difference in her everyday life - and she's so much more enjoyable to be around! She's still very neat and likes to control things, but it doesn't rule her life the way it used to. She told me she is actually abel to enjoy her children now and all of the messiness that comes with them.

Now, before I get my head flamed off, I know every neat freak in the world doesn't need to be on Paxil or any other prescription drug, but it may be an option for some people struggling with some of the issues the OP has.

 

[princessmom29]

What is the haed shake for??? Playdates just don't work for us, and I find them to be more about the Mommies and their clicks than the kids anyway. Sorry, but it is the truth. My DD has enough healthy interaction with other chidlren on a daily basis that I do not need to take away from what little family time we get on the weekends to schedule "playdates". I shouldn't have to schedule my DD's playtime. I prefer to just let her be a kid, and play with who she wants to when she wants to. If she specifically asks for a friend to come over, or to get together with someone I will try to make it happen, but I am not as a rule part of the playdate social circle, which in my experience is really what it is about. I don't have the time for it, and am frankly not interested in the Mommy clicks that develop. Too much drama for me!

 

[MrsBanks]

I have not read all the replies as some were getting a little snippy.

I have a DS 8y/o and DD 6 y/o. My 8y/o has one great friend who is allowed over whenever, with or without a parent. She is a fabulous child.

DD doesn't make friends easily. I have had a friend over for her (I also invited his older brother & younger brother) but I made it clear to their mother that she must stay with them. The children did get a little out of hand but their mother got them back in order quickly.

I have a friend with 2 DDs who came over and let her children run wild through my house. I finally realized she wasn't going to discipline them so I politely said "well it's been fun, hope to see you again soon, Bye" and sort of kicked them out.

My children are not allowed at anyone's house without me. PERIOD, NO EXCEPTIONS. I'm not willing to put an 8y/o or 6y/o in a situation that they can't handle.

BTW, I do not think my children are socially deprived.

 

[badblackpug]

I hate the whole "playdate" concept. When did we start having to schedule our kid's playtime a week in advance??? My DD doesn't do playdates, quite frankly because it is difficult for us to schedule like that. She plays with the neighbor kids in the yard,their yard ect, and plays with the neighborhood kids at my parents when we are there on the weekends. I don't think scheduled "playdates" are necessary. We have enough scheduling in our life betwenn school and dance classes without adding multiple playdates every week. In our school it seems to be more SAHM's with time on their hands that are into the "playdate" thing than working moms already keeping a tight schedule.

I think scheduling your kids' time to play with other kids depends on your kids ages and your neighborhood, and school. If your kids attend private school which may not necessarily be in your neighborhood, then you may need to arrange a day for a friend to come over to play, as they can't just come over and knock on the door. The same goes for your neighborhood. One may not necessarily live in a neighborhood where there are other children your child's age. Now if your children are young, in the pre/K set, then it wouldn't be appropriate for them to wander the neighborhood themselves knocking on doors.
Actually, I would think the "scheduling" would be way more important to someone who works outside the home, to ensure that they would actually be home.

 

[Tiger926]

Whew, I only made it through about half of this thread. Just reading the OPs posts stressed me out!

OP, I have a family member who's personality is almost identical to yours. Very type A, very controlling, very "neat." She started having a lot more stress as her children got older too. She started taking Paxil last year and it has made a world of difference in her everyday life - and she's so much more enjoyable to be around! She's still very neat and likes to control things, but it doesn't rule her life the way it used to. She told me she is actually abel to enjoy her children now and all of the messiness that comes with them.

Now, before I get my head flamed off, I know every neat freak in the world doesn't need to be on Paxil or any other prescription drug, but it may be an option for some people struggling with some of the issues the OP has.

Seriously, because we have had some issues with scheduling and discipline, you think I need meds? I'm not sure what to say...

Thanks, but I don't have any issues - playdates are just hard for us as I explained. Thanks for the medical and psychiatric diagnosis, but I don't need meds, am not a neat freak and do not have OCD. Just don't like destructive play as it's not a great life skill to have. Love my kids, they roll around the mud, and it's totally fine. As I explained, many of our playdates have had issues with discipline and destructive play. Not something that either DH or myself find acceptable, so I posted to get tips and see how other families 'play'.

Goodness gracious, Tiger

 

[PrincessTiffany]

Thanks, but I don't have any issues - playdates are just hard for us as I explained. Thanks for the medical and psychiatric diagnosis, but I don't need meds, am not a neat freak and do not have OCD.

Um, okay

 

[princessmom29]

I think scheduling your kids' time to play with other kids depends on your kids ages and your neighborhood, and school. If your kids attend private school which may not necessarily be in your neighborhood, then you may need to arrange a day for a friend to come over to play, as they can't just come over and knock on the door. The same goes for your neighborhood. One may not necessarily live in a neighborhood where there are other children your child's age. Now if your children are young, in the pre/K set, then it wouldn't be appropriate for them to wander the neighborhood themselves knocking on doors.
Actually, I would think the "scheduling" would be way more important to someone who works outside the home, to ensure that they would actually be home.

My DD goes to private school, and the neighborhood kids are not her school friends. She gets playtime with her school friends every day at recess, and we do ocassionaly meet at the park ect on the weekends, but it might be a once a month thing if that. I just don't get the need to line up multiple playdates a week, every week. Playdates are out 2 nights a week as we are at the dance studio, where she has another set of friends. We don't get home until 4:30 on nights we don't have dance, and I cannot imagine trying to fit a playdate in between homework, dinner, bath, bed, laundry, housework, and work I brought home. Our evenings are full. DH is rarely home before DD is in bed so weekends are his time to spend with her. I don't think she needs a palydate every Saturday.

 

[mjkacmom]

I have not read all the replies as some were getting a little snippy.

I have a DS 8y/o and DD 6 y/o. My 8y/o has one great friend who is allowed over whenever, with or without a parent. She is a fabulous child.

DD doesn't make friends easily. I have had a friend over for her (I also invited his older brother & younger brother) but I made it clear to their mother that she must stay with them. The children did get a little out of hand but their mother got them back in order quickly.

I have a friend with 2 DDs who came over and let her children run wild through my house. I finally realized she wasn't going to discipline them so I politely said "well it's been fun, hope to see you again soon, Bye" and sort of kicked them out.

My children are not allowed at anyone's house without me. PERIOD, NO EXCEPTIONS. I'm not willing to put an 8y/o or 6y/o in a situation that they can't handle.

BTW, I do not think my children are socially deprived.

You make parents come along on their childrens' playdates, and you go along on yours? Your dd6 is not going to have a lot of friends, I can tell you now. My gf invited her d6's classmate over on a Saturday, and the dad stayed the whole time. Word spread quickly, and no one will invite this girl over now. One of the purposes of a playdate is to have someone for your child to play with so you can get stuff done.