Ahh, YOU asked how other families do it. And we're telling you.
My son, 8, has playmates over a couple of times a week. (It's easiest on both families if it's here.) So yes, the place is messy, particularly the family room. Thinks occasionally get broken. Ehh, so what? Not all that important to me. Of course, when I was growing up, they weren't called 'dates" but everybody did them. And to not have your kids playing with other kids, whatever you call it, is frankly pretty strange. I don't think you'll find much support for it. It smacks of a whole lot of unnecessary control.
I re-edited my original post with some clarifications. I can't imagine having friends over here a couple of times a week, as I've said, we just don't have the time for it. I also didn't say my kids don't play with other kids - goodness gracious. I said we don't have kids over here several times per week, nor do we go to other kids' homes multiple times per week. We just don't have time for it.
It sounds like you're having problems with setting up boundaries with kids that come over to your house and them following them. I always tell any/all kids that come over the rules as soon as they walk in, and then you'll probably have to stay "on top" of some of them for a little while (because they're looking to see what kind of parent you are and if you're actually going to make them follow the rules ect.) Once you redirect and remind them the first couple times they aren't following the rules, in my experience at least, they get it and they do what they're told. Most kids I know, and mine, won't push those kinds of limits at someone elses house, and while it'd be great if all kids were like that, some aren't, but are just looking for structure and once they find out that you're not going to allow things, they adjust themselves to what is expected.-In my experience.
This is a good point, but in most cases, the parents are here, and stuff still happens. So, I can't discipline another child, as that's not my place, and this gets awkward. When the parents haven't been here, despite the parents telling me the rules in front of their own kids, the kids in many cases, haven't followed them. This gets awkard too - this is one of my biggest issues with playdates. It makes for very awkward situations - how about the parents who let their kids play rough and break toys? We don't allow this at our house, so then we have issues again. Not sure how to handle this, as we've had some very special toys broken and although it's a great teachable moment for my kids, it's not fair to them either. This is one area that we need to work on, but not sure how? We have a huge family room/play room, and it awesome. Lots of centres/play areas, bins, castle, ride along toys, crafts, etc., so there is lots for kids to do, but I find some of the kids get too excited as they aren't used to some of those toys, and this causes problems. We don't want to give kids a list of rules in order to come over here, so this is an awkward area that I don't know how to handle?
"I taught my kids how to play" Or "how to play properly" may not be the way to phrase it. Do you mean you taught your kids to follow house rules? How to take care with their things and other people's thing? How to clean up after themselves? This is quite different than teaching them "how" to play or the "proper way" to play.
Unfortunately, you do sound a mite paranoid and controlling in saying that you taught them the "proper way" to play and that you don't want other kids at your house because of messes and liabilities, and that you don't want your kids at others houses because of illnesses.
Yes, my kids play at others houses and others play here. My oldest (13,9) are a little big for the organized play date. It is more of a "Can I go over X's house?" or "Can X come over?" There are friends homes at which my children are not allowed to go because their house rules are too far off ours. We have house rules and all children in the house are expected to follow them. I will not hesitate to take a child home that flaunts the rules. Yes, some children are rougher, and their manners are not as good. We lay out the rules at the outset. Everyone knows they are expected to follow them and most times they do. Yes, some friends warrant a closer "eye." As for clean up, I give the kids a half hour warning before the time the child is expected home and tell them it is time to clean up.
If you will do some more research you will find out that peer relationships are also very important. If your oldest is 6, and I assume in K or 1st, then she might be a bit young, but believe me starting at about grade 2, same sex friendships outside of school become very important. Free unstructured play outside of school is quite different than the interaction a child gets at extracurriculars and school itself.
Yes, this is what I mean. Sorry, this is how it's usually phrased, in my experience, as it means sharing, cleaning up, etc. Like I said, this is not innate for many kids that I see, and so since my kids have been younger, we have played along side of them (not so much with DD as she's 6, but still with 2 year old), and work things out with them. Now that my DD is 6, and in grade 1, she plays with her older cousins (the nieces I mentioned), they are encouraged to come up with solutions and work stuff out themselves. They play with each other at least 1x per week, but again, I know that playing with cousins is similar to playing with siblings (at least with our kids). She has played with my nieces' friends for a couple of playdates at my sister's house, and these went well, but again, they are much older than my daughter.
How do you know how your children behave at other's people's home? How do you know they follow the rules of that family? I can understand teaching kids to respect other homes and not to go into rooms that are off limits but how do you know that they applied this? This is where I am confused by your post. Other children may not have those rules in their own homes so it is hard to apply at first.
A friend of mine told me she had a little boy over who jumped on her couch. She told him that was not allowed in her home. Kid did it again, she reminded him not to do that. When the mom picked the kid up, my friend mentioned it and they are allowed to do this at home, so it was hard for this child to apply these new rules at first.
I just let kids play, yes there are play based preschools but I think kids get the hang of it. I dont know how you teach them to play.
We do playdates, my kids attend a school where their friends are scattered all over the town, so driving and scheduling have to happen, they do have some friends in the neighborhood but we have more playdates, sometimes a lot and sometimes they get the social interaction from the weekend activities like sports.
My kids are not sick very often and if they are it is usually something that is going around the classroom or the basketball team, not specifically from playdates.
I know she follows rules most of the time, as she is mostly supervised. Funny you mention the jumping on couch - we had that exact same situation! The little girl not only defied us at 5 years of age, she also went into our bedroom, even though door was closed. I was in the kitchen getting something for them, and my DD went in there to get her out, and she yelled at my DD and started to cry. She eventually stopped, but we haven't had her over since, as she is very sensitive, and almost got hurt on the couch, as she almost fell off. I went over to the couch, as did my friend, whose DD was also over, and she wouldn't stop. It was a weird situation...
You teach how to play?
Yes, my kids make a mess when they play - I just tell them to clean it up when they're done. To me, playing means being creative, without adult intervention. My kids frequently play with toys and games in manners not intended. To me, that's playing. I've always been a big fan of playdates, and I'm actually irritated with myself that dd8, dd6, and ds6 don't have many here, because they're best buddies, and spend hours just playing with each other. I don't care about eating issues, germs, or any other "hazards" of playdates. When my kids were little, I had 2 playgroups each week, starting when dd13 was about 3 months old. I miss them.
Wow! I can't imagine how you had the time for that? Did you work outside of the home? We literally don't have that kind of time. In regards to the hazards, we've had kids hurt here, because they've disobeyed their parents or were being hyper, so we always worry seeing as we have a big play structure in our backyard, should someone else get hurt. This is actually common with most of my friends/family with pools, playstructures and trampolines, around here.
Do you have boys? I have 2, and they have friends, and yes, boys can be rough. They're like puppies, and seem to have a need to wrestle each other to the ground every few minutes. I only have a sister, so this was new to me. I'm always amazed at how somewhat gentle my 120 pound 11 year old wrestles with his aggressive 50 pound 7 year old brother. They're pretty good about not hurting each other, but play is very physical.
I have a 2 year old boy and a girl. We don't allow wrestling over here - both of my kids wear glasses, so that's a no-go. When my kids are too physical, we put a stop to it as we don't find it acceptable, and I don't want them doing that at someone else's house. Different ways to play...they get lots of physical activity outside, and at school, but we don't allow wrestling at all, so I don't have experience with this.
Thanks for all opinions - I am not a control freak mom who needs psychological counselling...DH and I just find that with very young kids, not only do we not have much time for playdates, there always seems to be issues, which I know are great teachable moments, but it gets frustrating for my DD, as she really is so well behaved when she goes for playdates or to birthday parties - but again, it's a good life's lesson. She has a great sense of compassion and inclusivity, but when other kids are over here, they aren't all like that, so it's great for her to realize that everyone plays and learns differently (she is also a peer helper at school usually at least 1x per day, and has done so with autistic and down syndrome kids as well). It gets really frustrating when she sees the parents not reminding the kids to clean up, or to calm down if they are being rough. Again, different ideas of play and we don't want to judge or insult anyone else, as that is not acceptable, so at this point, since our kids are younger, we don't have many regular, weekly playdates.
Maybe I didn't word my original post correctly...sorry, my sinus headache is bad, and I can't sleep as it hurts to lie down, so I'm on here trying to stay awake with a very sore head.
Thanks for all suggestions and opinions - we are looking at trying to incorporate a few more playdates as DD is 6 now, but as I said, there is lots to consider.
Tiger
). It teaches them self control and how to inhibit themselves so as to not hurt others. Not to gender stereotype, but in my experience it tends to be boys that like to wrestle. When we have girls over the play tends to focus more on arts and crafts and such things. Different styles of play yet they can always find a common ground with one another. 
So, if they come to my house and trash it, and then don't clean it up, what then? 
) (she is in a flushing phase) I replaced it that day. 
I do agree with some PP that your kids are too young - don't worry about it now. Once they get a little older in school, friends will call (or their moms will call) and invite your child over. 
I will never be a 'playdate' kind of mom (especially when I return to work next school year), but DS needs to play with the other kids and it's great to see socialize with other kids his age. 
