Are people really that unaware?

[mazz1]

Okay, I certainly don't mean to offend, I readily admit that I don't know much about autism. I am not real clear from your post---when he acted this way in the store, were you trying to correct him or just "letting him go". Because if you were just letting him go at it rather than trying to correct him, that would get disapproving looks from me, even if he DID have a disability.

Even with a disability, shouldn't you be trying to teach him correct social behavior? Again, I seriously don't intend to offend. I just know that with my own son (Down Syndrome), we are always insistant that he act appropriate or there are consequences. Does it not work that way with autism?

can i just reply to this without any offence intended

i don't think for one minute the OP was letting her child go, a meltdown isn't a temper tantrum or the child being naughty, it is literally a meltdown of functioning when the senses become overloaded and it is terrifying, physically painfull and highly distressing for the child, it's not something that can be switched off with a firm word to correct them, it can be diverted if you are lucky enough to know what triggers your child and are quick to respond

i have two children with autism and as a mum i've worked hard making sure my children have good manners and behave appropriately but there will always be times a meltdown cannot be avoided

i have been in some very stressfull and frightening situations when my "normal looking" autistic child meltdowns and she is in great distress with me feeling powerless to help her and i've received many filthy looks that scream "bad parent, teach her how to behave" and i've then got home and cried because of sheer frustration of not being able to help her and the looks from people judging us have made me sad

it is extremely difficult when the disability is not a physical one and we should all as parents of disabled children be supporting each other

 

[KPeveler]

someone posted that they were told "I wish I had one of those cards", and the reply was, "here is my autistic son, want him for the day?" No reply from the rude person, go figure!

I had someone say to me when i was using my wheelchair one day (i only need it every couple weeks on bad days) "wow, you really have it made" because my bf was pushing me at that point... i wanted to reply "well next time you rollover in bed, i want you to partially dislocate your hip and sprain your ankle." that is what my illness makes me deal with every day - but people only see what they want to, and only believe that which is convenient to them!

 

[6TimeMomma]

No offense taken. I wasn't sure how to phrase my question without offending. I'm glad noone took offense (yet).

As far as supporting other parents of children with disabilities, I agree we should support each other and I am sorry if it seemed like I wasn't. I just was thinking that if she was "letting" him be that way without attempting to help the situation, then that what might be what brought "rude" stares.

However, if that type of thing doesn't help in autism, then I now understand why. But, the ladies likely didn't.

But, that doesn't mean that they are ignorant of the fact that non-physical disabilities exist....just that they didn't know your son had one.

Goodness, if I attempted to fully educate myself on all the disabilities, physical and non-physuical that exist, I would never get a chance to be with my kids or my husband.

can i just reply to this without any offence intended

i don't think for one minute the OP was letting her child go, a meltdown isn't a temper tantrum or the child being naughty, it is literally a meltdown of functioning when the senses become overloaded and it is terrifying, physically painfull and highly distressing for the child, it's not something that can be switched off with a firm word to correct them, it can be diverted if you are lucky enough to know what triggers your child and are quick to respond

i have two children with autism and as a mum i've worked hard making sure my children have good manners and behave appropriately but there will always be times a meltdown cannot be avoided

i have been in some very stressfull and frightening situations when my "normal looking" autistic child meltdowns and she is in great distress with me feeling powerless to help her and i've received many filthy looks that scream "bad parent, teach her how to behave" and i've then got home and cried because of sheer frustration of not being able to help her and the looks from people judging us have made me sad

it is extremely difficult when the disability is not a physical one and we should all as parents of disabled children be supporting each other

 

[alizesmom]

can i just reply to this without any offence intended

i don't think for one minute the OP was letting her child go, a meltdown isn't a temper tantrum or the child being naughty, it is literally a meltdown of functioning when the senses become overloaded and it is terrifying, physically painfull and highly distressing for the child, it's not something that can be switched off with a firm word to correct them, it can be diverted if you are lucky enough to know what triggers your child and are quick to respond

i have two children with autism and as a mum i've worked hard making sure my children have good manners and behave appropriately but there will always be times a meltdown cannot be avoided

i have been in some very stressfull and frightening situations when my "normal looking" autistic child meltdowns and she is in great distress with me feeling powerless to help her and i've received many filthy looks that scream "bad parent, teach her how to behave" and i've then got home and cried because of sheer frustration of not being able to help her and the looks from people judging us have made me sad

it is extremely difficult when the disability is not a physical one and we should all as parents of disabled children be supporting each other

In some ways I as a parent of an obviously disabled child have it easier. No one will expect normal behaviour of Alize. He will never melt down in public. However, I don't think we can compare our situations because in other ways my path is as difficult as yours. Alize will never improve. He'll never say "Mom" much less "I love you". I'll be lifting him and changing his diaper forever. I'll live with the fear that he will die because of his trach or his hydrocephalus. I worry about skin breakdown, improper equipment, careless nurses. I respect you totally for being able to cope with meltdowns and behaviour that can endanger your child. I admit that I don't think I could do it but please, don't think my path is any better. Please, let's admit to differing concerns and then move on (as you said) to supporting each other. Karen

 

[AJKMOM]

I would think the exact opposite of AJKMOM, always apologize but don't mention the Autism unless you wanted to. I would just think that its none of anyone's business unless you wanted to tell them. Several months ago I was in Wal-Mart and a little boy ~8, ran up and started pinching me, I was trapped because I didn't want to roll over his feet with my wheel-chair to get away either. I would have just rathered she said "sorry" rather than "he has autism". Obviously being pinched isn't the end of the world, but I'd rather not have had black and blue marks up and down my arm. I guess sorry would have just felt like a better acknowledgement that the pinching wasn't okay.

I'm not sure if the OP's situation warrants an apology,maybe if the pushpad was on the debit machine that the other customer was using, it would have been enough into the other person's privacy that it would have been reasonable to apologize.

I have done my share of apologizing. Once DS stopped at the table of an elderly couple eating at a Burger King, and took several of their french fries before I stopped him. I explain his behavior by saying he has autism, but I would not apologize because he is talking too loud, or saying things that don't make sense to anyone but him. I would certainly not let him close to anyone to injure them, but he has never been one to hurt people other than himself on occasion.

I look at these incidents as a way to educate people about autism. I wish I had a nickel for every one who asked me in the past 16 years if he had a certain "talent", like Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man".

As far as meltdowns go, once an autistic indivual gets in that frame of mind, not much- certainly not a "shush" will change them. I liken it to being "possessed" by something we don't understand.

 

[merryweather20]

Well that certainly warranted a huge apology. I would of been mortified if my son did that! Not all Autistics have behavioral issues that involve trying to hurt others. Mine is completely passive and would never hurt anyone unless they tried to hurt him. With the exception of his sister of course that terrorizes him. He pushes her, but that is it. As far as my incident. He did push the keypads while she was trying to cash out and I did apologize and even put him in the cart so I could assure he did not do it again. Then she started to proceed with her ugly gestures with the cashier. Thats when I said. "You know he is Autistic".

Oops I definitely know that not all autistic children are pinchers, I didn't mean to give you the impression I thought that

I've only known two, that I taught swimming, and they were both some of the best behaved children I ever taught.

 

[alizesmom]

Just read my last post. Sorry, I just can't express my feelings well and now I've gone and insulted those of you who are in a difficult and hurtful situation. It just upset me that someone could think that have a child with a visible disability may be easier. There I go again. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Karen

 

[mechurchlady]

Just read my last post. Sorry, I just can't express my feelings well and now I've gone and insulted those of you who are in a difficult and hurtful situation. It just upset me that someone could think that have a child with a visible disability may be easier. There I go again. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Karen

I read your post and it is a touching reminder that when life seems dark there are those in a deeper darkness. I am sitting with a chat room window open and it is my link to the outside world. We have a private adult chat, chat zone and two minor aged zones. I sit in chat zone listening to kids whine about cuts, bruises, and twisted ankles while I remember two children who are disabled whom I know of. Those kids do not know what it is like to be disabled.

you have my hugs and I think your post was a good reminder.

 

[WildGrits]

He did push the keypads while she was trying to cash out and I did apologize and even put him in the cart so I could assure he did not do it again. Then she started to proceed with her ugly gestures with the cashier. Thats when I said. "You know he is Autistic".

I have a daughter with HFA. Sometimes she does some things that are a little odd. Sometimes we get stares, but you know I never ever feel the need to justify her behavior.

Lots of times when we are in public, she veggies out. But I am assuming that half of the folks at the store are too, or else they wouldn't walk away from their cart and leave it right smack in the middle of the aisle. Or Oh God, I could go on...........

If OPers son was in someone elses personal space, I think it is only polite to remove him and plainly say "excuse me", or "I'm sorry", which she did. Telling the other customer he had Autism is a moot point. If after an apology is offered and she decides to get her feathers ruffled, that is her problem.

 

[mazz1]

Just read my last post. Sorry, I just can't express my feelings well and now I've gone and insulted those of you who are in a difficult and hurtful situation. It just upset me that someone could think that have a child with a visible disability may be easier. There I go again. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Karen

hey you haven't insulted anyone karen and i certainly don't think your path is any better or easier, and i sincerely and genuinely apologise if i gave that impression

i have many friends whose children are so disabled it amazes how they cope and reminds me to count my blessings that mine are physically healthy enough to run around

we each have our own set of problems and difficulties to overcome on a daily basis and we all need each others support and understanding at times just to get us through the day

 

[pcparamedics01]

If OPers son was in someone elses personal space, I think it is only polite to remove him and plainly say "excuse me", or "I'm sorry", which she did. Telling the other customer he had Autism is a moot point. If after an apology is offered and she decides to get her feathers ruffled, that is her problem.

Well I guess I feel the need to say it sometimes, because I sent many years denying he is ASD. That was harder to try to cover up his actions then to come to grips with it and finally say "My son is Autistic". Almost as to say so back off and don't judge me. Sometimes it is just easier to say it. Other times it isn't... Thanks for your help!

 

[pcparamedics01]

Just read my last post. Sorry, I just can't express my feelings well and now I've gone and insulted those of you who are in a difficult and hurtful situation. It just upset me that someone could think that have a child with a visible disability may be easier. There I go again. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Karen

No offense here Karen.. We all have our own issues some similiar, different, severe and mild. But we have one thing in common in that our child or children have a disability or disabilities. Take care!

 

[Magpie]

Just want to say that sometimes it helps to remember the kind people, when you run into the stupid or rude ones.

My 9yo son has medical issues that can send him into spectacular meltdowns, and unfortunately he wasn't correctly diagnosed until last summer. Yeah, he frequently embarrassed me in public, and it was especially hard back when he was small because we didn't know why he was acting this way. But I treasure moments such as when I was sitting out in a hallway, hanging onto my wailing, thrashing six year old, and a mother came up to me and said, "You're doing a terrific job!" I wanted to hug her! Except, of course, my arms were full of my son.

So when I see someone struggling with a child, I make sure to pass on a kind word and a sympathetic smile. And when my son was falling apart, and people were frowning, I just reminded myself that there *are* people out there who understand. Even if they don't understand *why* my child is acting this way (and believe me, it's not something I can easily explain - or would want to, considering my son is there and hearing everything I say), they know that I'm doing my best, and so is he.

I think my son is an incredibly brave kid, and I'm lucky to know him. When he shines, he's amazing. I never would have thought the kindergartener who lay screaming on the floor and banging his head until it was bruised and scabbed, would become the same boy his teacher told me is, "Incredibly mature, and very serious about his work." He's not cured - that doesn't happen! - but he's learning to live with his condition, and I think he's stronger for it.

Just hang onto your memories of the smart, kind people you've met and let the rest of it go. Mean people - they don't matter.

 

[Snoopymom]

Just want to say that sometimes it helps to remember the kind people, when you run into the stupid or rude ones.

My 9yo son has medical issues that can send him into spectacular meltdowns, and unfortunately he wasn't correctly diagnosed until last summer. Yeah, he frequently embarrassed me in public, and it was especially hard back when he was small because we didn't know why he was acting this way. But I treasure moments such as when I was sitting out in a hallway, hanging onto my wailing, thrashing six year old, and a mother came up to me and said, "You're doing a terrific job!" I wanted to hug her! Except, of course, my arms were full of my son.

So when I see someone struggling with a child, I make sure to pass on a kind word and a sympathetic smile. And when my son was falling apart, and people were frowning, I just reminded myself that there *are* people out there who understand. Even if they don't understand *why* my child is acting this way (and believe me, it's not something I can easily explain - or would want to, considering my son is there and hearing everything I say), they know that I'm doing my best, and so is he.

I think my son is an incredibly brave kid, and I'm lucky to know him. When he shines, he's amazing. I never would have thought the kindergartener who lay screaming on the floor and banging his head until it was bruised and scabbed, would become the same boy his teacher told me is, "Incredibly mature, and very serious about his work." He's not cured - that doesn't happen! - but he's learning to live with his condition, and I think he's stronger for it.

Just hang onto your memories of the smart, kind people you've met and let the rest of it go. Mean people - they don't matter.

Thank you so much! I needed to hear this today. You have made me feel hopeful...I am a good patient mom and maybe the world isn't such a bad place.

 

[bairdbeth]

As a 21 year Special Ed teacher, I too prefer to deal with my special needs kids than the regular ed population. Most of the time, my students are the best behaved in the school, That is because I try to work hard on behavior. They have enough other issues to contend with that I try to have behavior problems not be one of them. That being said I have had kids meltdown on fieldtrips and there is no reasoning with some of them. Removing and redirecting may work or they have to peak and com eback down. I think the problem with the general public is that so many typical kids have been spoiled and indulged to the point that below the age of 12 you can't determine if it is a child with special needs or just another spoiled brat showing out to get their way. So many parents do not follow through with behavior consequences that kids today know which buttons to push and how long to push them before they get what they want. It is a sad state.

 

[pcparamedics01]

As a 21 year Special Ed teacher, I too prefer to deal with my special needs kids than the regular ed population. Most of the time, my students are the best behaved in the school, That is because I try to work hard on behavior. They have enough other issues to contend with that I try to have behavior problems not be one of them. That being said I have had kids meltdown on fieldtrips and there is no reasoning with some of them. Removing and redirecting may work or they have to peak and com eback down. I think the problem with the general public is that so many typical kids have been spoiled and indulged to the point that below the age of 12 you can't determine if it is a child with special needs or just another spoiled brat showing out to get their way. So many parents do not follow through with behavior consequences that kids today know which buttons to push and how long to push them before they get what they want. It is a sad state.

Thanks for explaining "melt downs" from a Professional standpoint to those that did not quite understand... Thanks again Neighbor!

 

[pcparamedics01]

can i just reply to this without any offence intended

i don't think for one minute the OP was letting her child go, a meltdown isn't a temper tantrum or the child being naughty, it is literally a meltdown of functioning when the senses become overloaded and it is terrifying, physically painfull and highly distressing for the child, it's not something that can be switched off with a firm word to correct them, it can be diverted if you are lucky enough to know what triggers your child and are quick to respond

i have two children with autism and as a mum i've worked hard making sure my children have good manners and behave appropriately but there will always be times a meltdown cannot be avoided

i have been in some very stressfull and frightening situations when my "normal looking" autistic child meltdowns and she is in great distress with me feeling powerless to help her and i've received many filthy looks that scream "bad parent, teach her how to behave" and i've then got home and cried because of sheer frustration of not being able to help her and the looks from people judging us have made me sad

it is extremely difficult when the disability is not a physical one and we should all as parents of disabled children be supporting each other

Thanks Mazz for sharing my world! You said it in a nutshell!

 

[Conway733]

I am a caseworker and I work with children with disabilities and their families. One father informed me of business sized cards to give to people when people would rather stare (or glare in your case) than help. I think the cards are a great way to teach people about autism. Here's a site that sells them, but you could probably make your own on a computer:

http://www.autismcards.com/