Are my feelings unreasonable?

[moon]

But they are not acting like friends to you. from what you have told us it's all about them.

Apparently G can't even spare a few minutes, much less a couple of hours to have some girl time with you. What kind of friend is that?

I'm sorry to tell you this, but from your posts (maybe it would help if you told us more) it looks like G doesn't care about your friendship anymore, and she and B are only using you.

JMO.

 

[spacemountainmom]

Sorry - it's probably not going to stop and they don't seem to care that it bothers you or anyone else. Persoally, I hate overly lovey-dovey couples. It looks like they are trying too hard to prove that they are "in love".

It is also not fair that they are paying 1/2 of the rent. You are subsidizing them. They should pay 2/3 and you 1/3. I would carefully check the lease and look for a way out. You may lose a friend, but anyone who is so inconsiderate of your feelings is not really a friend. It sucks, I know.

 

[DeaverTex]

If your name is on the lease, and B's isn't, then he's a guest. Like firecracker725 said, you may be violating the terms of the lease by allowing him to live there full time.

While Mrs. Tex and I didn't quite follow each other around to the bathroom and such, we've been a set since pretty soon after we met. You got one of us, you got both of us. That sort of thing depends on the people involved. Some people keep their personal and their romantic lives separate, some don't, and it sounds like they don't. If that's bothering you, then the only way to solve the problem is for one of the three of you guys to move out. Since it sounds like you're the only one who's having a problem, it's gonna have to be you.

And answering your question, your feelings are NOT unreasonable.

 

[PirateSnowmen]

Not sure why you'd want to maintain a friednship with people who are so blatantly taking advantage of you on many levels, but if that is your feeling, then I guess you better learn to suck it up.

To answer your original question, no you are not being unreasonable.

You're a better woman than I am. All that googly eyes making out etc. would drive me insane.

BUT they don't care whether they are your friend!

If they cared to maintain the friendship they wouldn't be acting like they are. That ship has sailed. the best you can hope for is to be civil for the year.

I would tell them things have to change or he moves out, it isn't working.

(someone else said are you sure he can live there without notifying the landlord and getting it approved? because this could be your way to get him out if they don't stop)

As I've said, there's more to the story. Yes, they're still my friends. There's so much more to our friendship than this. I know it doesn't appear that way, but it's the truth. She's always saying to me, "we don't want to be the couple that drives everyone away, so please tell us if there's something wrong and we'll try to fix it." I've told her that they're exactly that couple, but I don't think she believes me quite yet.

 

[spacemountainmom]

As I've said, there's more to the story. Yes, they're still my friends. There's so much more to our friendship than this. I know it doesn't appear that way, but it's the truth. She's always saying to me, "we don't want to be the couple that drives everyone away, so please tell us if there's something wrong and we'll try to fix it." I've told her that they're exactly that couple, but I don't think she believes me quite yet.

Show her this thread!!!

I agree to a point with DeaverTex. My dh and I are a package. Generally where you find one of us, you will find the other. However, we have enough respect for ourselves and the rest of the world to not behave in a manner that would make those around us feel uncomfortable. Most people would be uncomfortable with a couple who is excessively affectionate. Maybe dh and I are the weird ones since we never were like that, not even in high school.

Good luck!

 

[Alsobrook]

I'm just trying to retain some peace because I want to still be friends with them and I'm 100% stuck living with them for the next year. I'm just frustrated right now. If I didn't want to maintain a friendship with them I'd for sure just yell at them until they stopped.

Whatever annoyance you feel for the next year is now almost 100% your own making because of your choice. Not saying it's a bad choice, just pointing out that it is, in fact, your choice.

Yell at them until they stopped? Now you're the one showing the immaturity. What is yelling going to do?

Chalk this one up to a year long learning experience and don't make the same mistake again.

 

[Janepod]

Please clarify; I am dense. How many bedrooms are there for the three of you? Two or three? Either way, you should not be paying more than 1/3 of the total rent.

 

[PirateSnowmen]

Show her this thread!!!

I agree to a point with DeaverTex. My dh and I are a package. Generally where you find one of us, you will find the other. However, we have enough respect for ourselves and the rest of the world to not behave in a manner that would make those around us feel uncomfortable. Most people would be uncomfortable with a couple who is excessively affectionate. Maybe dh and I are the weird ones since we never were like that, not even in high school.

Good luck!

I really should show her this thread.

I think the main thing right now is that they spent so many months apart and now that they're together, they're inseparable. I think it'll get a little bit better once he finally starts his job next week. I know it won't get a lot better, but at least he won't be around 24/7 like he has been for the past month.

Whatever annoyance you feel for the next year is now almost 100% your own making because of your choice. Not saying it's a bad choice, just pointing out that it is, in fact, your choice.

Yell at them until they stopped? Now you're the one showing the immaturity. What is yelling going to do?

Chalk this one up to a year long learning experience and don't make the same mistake again.

I'm aware it's my fault. I never said it was anything other than my fault.

As for the yelling, I was just trying to make a point that it would be much easier to tell them to stop everything they're doing if I didn't want to maintain some sense of civility. I was just over exaggerating; I was never going to yell at anyone.

Please clarify; I am dense. How many bedrooms are there for the three of you? Two or three? Either way, you should not be paying more than 1/3 of the total rent.

2 bedrooms. And I agree. I'll definitely be talking to them about it later.

All I really wanted out of this thread was proof that I wasn't going crazy and that I wasn't being unreasonable

 

[snarlingcoyote]

Go to the landlord or his agent whomever you signed the contract with and find out how much it would cost to break the lease. It may not be an option, but if your place might be easily re-rented, the cost quoted for breaking the lease might be worth it.

 

[kwelch10377]

I think you are reasonable in your feelings and that you have tried to communicate to them how you feel. I think you are at the point that you need to take action.

I would sit her down and say that you value your friendship with her, however if things continue the way they have been you are afraid that the friendship won't last. I would then tell her that she has a choice to make 1) You move out and B takes over your part of the lease 2) B moves out and you continue with what the orginial plan had been, which is that B would have his own place this year and then B and G would move in together. If she choose B they you have to set some ground rules on B being there (i.e. only allowed to spend the night on weekends or whatever)

I would also tell her if she doesn't make a choose the you would be left with no choice to talk to the landlord about someone who isn't on the lease living there.

I get that you want to remain friends with her, but at this point it doesn't seem like being a friend to you is a prority. That may change eventually, but for the moment her priority is B.

The only way she is truely going to understand is if you take action, since clearly talking to her is changing anything.

 

[Wishing on a star]

No, you are not being unreasonable....

And, no, it isn't about the rent.

It is about how your so-called friend has taken over your home, and made it her and her Bf's personal love-nest. When she is no longer working - she/THEY will be there 24/7. And, apparantly, they are choosing to openly offend you by constantly being physically and sexually demonstrative, right in your presence.

A little newsflash here.
Instead of both of them working, and getting a place of their own. THEY ARE USING YOU.


You can no longer feel comfortable in your own home.

His name is not on the lease, and he should not have moved in.

NOT appropriate.
And your feelings are not unreasonable.

I would find a way to end this living arrangement.

 

[Mokat76]

You're neither crazy nor unreasonable, just a young woman caught up in a weird situation. Young love is so egocentric. You fell into the classic trap by being unwilling to say no when the topic of B moving in first came up. G is apparently too immature to recognize she's jeopardizing your friendship by devoting herself totally to B. She won't recognize it, unfortunately, until you're gone, the rest of the friends she's making uncomfortable are gone and she needs someone besides B in her world. Good luck, gut out the summer and find other people/places this fall.

 

[alex9179]

Being stuck for a year isn't quite the case. People sub-let all the time.

As for everyone picking apart the division of rent. That should have been hashed out prior to agreeing to the arrangement. It won't matter to your friend what the lease says, it's what you agreed to. You can certainly make an issue of it, but that's really going to just play a part in the end of the friendship. You have a laundry list of grievances. I say get out of the situation as quickly as you can and maybe your friendship with G can continue to evolve and MATURE. Sounds like she needs to do that, anyway.

For you, it's a lesson in listening to your instincts.

None of this is dire in the big scheme of things. Friends disagree once in a while and survive it. It's called compromise.

 

[daughter_of_amid_chaos]

You keep saying you want to stay because you don't want to ruin the friendship. Speaking from experience, if you stay in this situation, there will be no friendship to ruin.

 

[rigs32]

I'm 100% stuck living with them for the next year.

If the boy is not on the lease, then no, you are not stuck with this.

1) As another poster mentioned, you are likely in violation of the terms of your lease by allowing boy to live there and could find yourself evicted by your landlord as a result at any time.

2) If they refuse to pay more or knock it off, use the lease to your advantage. You can tell them if they don't shape up you will be reporting it to the landlord. Then tell your landlord that girl moved boy in and you cannot get him to leave. Landlord should help solve that problem.

 

[Wishing on a star]

... He graduated in May and moved in with us about a month ago. Originally, G and I were supposed to live together next year and he was going to get his own place. Eventually they just decided that all 3 of us would get a place together. I had my reservations, and I let them know about it, but I ultimately agreed

I often find, that if the poster asking for input has been forthcoming, that one can go back to the original posts and find the comments that really tell the tale. In this case, yep, this is it.

This is where it all went wrong.
This, as you mentioned above, was your mistake.

OP, three is ALWAYS going to be a crowd.
Especially at your age, with their immaturity, and with 'young love'.

As mentioned, you might luck out in that the legalities of your lease are on your side.

It seems clear that this couple is a 'we', as you put it.... and they are basically taking advantage of you paying for half of their little love-nest.

But, pointing fingers does no good.

In the end, the only way to resolve this thing is to find a way to change your living arrangements.

As others have said, we only see it getting worse, or much worse, to let this go on and on.

And, I am SO sorry that you have not been feeling well, and have been working so hard at your courses!!!

 

[I loveStitchnippyjon]

You need to find some other sucker to take over your portion of the lease, unless there is a specific clause of "no sub-let".
I don't think that there is much of a "friendship" to salvage here. Three's a crowd, and all that.....

 

[avgeek81]

I had a simuliar situation last year. My friend and I both moved to fl around the same time so we decided to rent a house together. After a few months she starts seeing this guy and he slowly starts to move in. First he is sleeping over most nights, then his stuff starts appearing and he is doing his laundry and showering here.

So the problem is we are splitting utilities and he is using them so im essentially paying for his water/electric. My roomate couldnt see that he was using enough to make the bill go up, saying he showered with her and they did thier wash together. I was like it doesnt matter he is still using more then if he wasnt here.

So he started chipping in for ultilites. I didnt even care that he didnt pay rent because he wasnt really taking up any of my space and he did do work around the house like mowing and fixing stuff. Also we were on different scheduales since they worked at a bar and i work in retail so we would go days without seeing each other

After our lease was up I got my own place and they moved too. We get along much better now that we dont share the same place and hang out together quite often. They dont work at the bar anymore so we have simular scheduales

 

[leebee]

I don't know what your actual leasing/living arrangement is, but, in the college town where we live, most of the apartment complexes that lease "by the bedroom" (as in, $250 per br instead of $500 for the apt) have VERY strict terms about the number of residents per apartment, especially as the leasing corp is paying for the utilities. They are also pretty vigilant about monitoring and enforcing their leases and discovering "squatters." I bet you could report that you think the neighbors in apt. XYZ (YOUR apt) have an illegal roommate and the situation would be solved. I know it sounds underhanded, but it sounds like you have given G every chance to be reasonable and work something out... and she's not gonna. Heck, you could even report it yourself, because once again, if it's anything like the landlords around here, if yours discovers you have three in a two bedroom apartment, ALL of you could be out for lease violation and lose your security deposits, too!

 

[PirateSnowmen]

Thanks everyone for the input. Glad I'm not the one being unreasonable.

I spent all of today in the library and when I got back earlier it was much more tolerable. I can tell that they're putting in a much more conscious effort to be respectable, which I appreciate. As I said, he's only been here for a month, so I have a feeling this just needs some time to work itself out. People have told them in the past that they can be really annoying, but B & G always just shrugged those people off. I think they're finally starting to understand it after I repeatedly have the same complaints. G keeps stressing how she doesn't want to lose our friendship over this, so who knows what'll happen. I'm hoping things get a little bit better after he starts working next week and won't be around all the time.

As for the rent/living situation, it's pretty complicated and not really something I want to go into here. I realize that it's my fault for agreeing to live with them, but as I said there's more background to the whole story that didn't really pertain to my original question. But, rest assured, if things don't get better in the next few weeks after talking more, I'll definitely be finding a way out all while maintaining civility. I will for sure be seeing G all the time next semester (we're members of the same organization), so I definitely don't want to let this get out of hand.