Anyone ever been in this situation?

[luvmy3]

I just got a call today letting me know my estranged mother was in the hospital and probably not going to make it through the night and if I wanted to see her I should not wait. I have not spoken to her in 15 years, she has never met any of my children, we are truly strangers to eachother. I have decided that I am not going to go see her, but out of respect for my grandparents I will most likely go to the wake and funeral.
My dh is kind of surprised and thought I should go so I don't have any regrets later, and he was wondering why I didn't want to, he even mentioned, "getting even with her". I admit that pissed me off that he would think that of me, but its not like he can understand what I am feeling. I am very comfortable with my decision and my reasons why, but just want to know if others have been in a similiar situation and what came of your decision after the fact. Do you have any regrets?


Oops I thought I was on the Community Board, mods could you please move this thread?

 

[mrsstats]

You must have very good reasons for not speaking with your mother for 15 years and if you are good with your decision, then that is your choice. Going to the funeral is your choice also, however, I don't really understand why you would go.

 

[Jareds_mommy]

I don't have any advise, but sorry you are being put in this situation.
You need to do what's best for you .

 

[Stacy_C]

I haven't faced this situation...yet. I have not spoken to my father in 15 years either and like you said, we are strangers. I have wondered what I will do when he dies (assuming he dies before I do). While I will not "rejoice" in his passing, I may think "oh, that's too bad"....just like I would with any other "stranger". For the most part, I really think I will be indifferent. I also don't see myself going to his deathbed and I don't think I'd feel guilty about it either.

Best wishes.

 

[PJHuntleyCO]

As PP said it is up to you. I do have something similar - go and make your peace - you for and for her. Otherwise you will blame yourself for not going.
God Bless and Angels with you!

 

[Melynny]

My father died when I was 12, he died from cirrhosis of the liver. Needless to say, my childhood pretty much s**ked. My Mom and I went to the hospital to see him on the day he died, I did not want to see him, so I did not... I often wondered if I should have. I wonder if he would have died more peacefully or if I would have felt better about what he put us thru. I don't have much advice, only to say somtimes I am glad that I did not see him, other times I wish I would have. I would bet you would feel the exact same way... glad you went sometimes.. sad you went others. Sending you hugs though

 

[luvmy3]

Wow that's kind of cold hearted . Reguardless you are here on earth and she is your mom and you should see her before she dies. Im sorry but if your mom didnt rape you or pimp you out or extremly abuse you i dont see why you would act that way towards your mom. We all have family members we dont care for . My mom did some very messed up things to me and im talking child protective services was called BUT at the end of the day that's my mother and we all make mistakes.

She is the woman who gave birth to me but she was not my "mother". In fact she hasn't had that title since she walked out the door 25 years ago, and if I hadn't ran into her 15 years ago it would have been that long since I've talked to her.

You must have very good reasons for not speaking with your mother for 15 years and if you are good with your decision, then that is your choice. Going to the funeral is your choice also, however, I don't really understand why you would go.

Because my grandparents (her parents) are still alive and they are losing their child. I want to show my respects and give them my sympathies.

 

[it's kelly]

No one can make that decision but you. Having lost both of my parents before I hit 30, I know how it feels. I would suggest you saying 'goodbye' to your mother, you never know if you will regret it 15 years from now. If the relationship was bad enough that you choose NOT to go, why bother going to the funeral?

In the end, best wishes on whatever your choice is.

 

[SandrA9810]

I was sorta placed in this situation last year. I never met my father or family till I was about 13 or 14. I did see them for a few years, mainly at christmas time, but I never had any sort of bond with them.

My aunt died of cancer in october and my sister asked me to join her. It was a very nice funeral/viewing. And the family seemed to like that I was there. But I still felt really distant from all of them. Then in December, my g'father passed of cancer as well, and that time I chose not to go down there. Maybe I should've gone down there, but I just didn't feel right about being there.


I think it's appropriate to show your respect for your grandparents. It seems like they didn't play too much in the part of the estrangement. And as long as your still on speaking terms with them, I think they'll appreciate you being there.

 

[sasha's goofy]

Only you can make the decision on what is best for you. I went through this with my grandfather a couple of years ago. I did chose to see him in the hospital and it was only me at his bedside when he passed. I am very glad I had those moments with him. I did not go to the funeral. He knew I had been there and those family members I care about knew I was there. I could care less what the rest thought. It is a tough decision, and one you can only make once. My suggestion would be to go to the hospital and support your grandparents in their time of need. Then you can choose to go into her room or not.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I have not been in this situation but I always figure someday I will be in a similar one. I have only seen my father twice in my life but his daughter and wife have contacted me (though I have not replied back) so they know where I live, my phone number, etc. I suppose someday I will get hat call too but I wouldn't be going wither. Sorry, but he ws a donor, not my father.

Only you know what you went thought and what you are comfortable with. Having been abandoned by both my parents, I feel for you, I get it. You never really get over it. I don't think it's a revenge thing at all. You have to protect yourself and if it will bother you then don't go.

 

[daisy2jae]

If I were in this situation I'd do what I felt would be in my best interest not others. I always put others before myself. You have to live with your choice no one else. Therefore do what makes you happy.

I never have but if I was....I would probably go to say goodbye. Not spend much time but given the chance to at least say good bye and pray for her. I know she wasn't there but for my own peace I would need to say good bye. I would go to the funeral only as a personal thing. It's what I would need in order to put it behind with without regrets. However this would be for myself not others.

I'm sorry you are in this situation and I hope you find peace with whatever your choice is. Do what will allow you to move on and have the peace.

 

[luvmy3]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and your advice

 

[hrh_disney_queen]

I'm sorry you have to make this decision. I have never been in this kind of situation, so my thoughts may be naive. I just think that you have to forgive your mother for yourself...whatever she has done. And that may involve your saying it to her, or keeping it in your heart. Either decision will be carried with you for the rest of your life, so you have to go with what is easier to live with..no one else's opinion matters. Your DH's comments may have been inappropriate, but I am sure he was just trying to help, and didn't really mean it.

It is nice of you to go to the funeral for your grandparents. I have always thought of funerals as not necessarily for the dead, but more for the ones left behind.

 

[dizkids]

Life is tough. Good luck to you!

 

[disney1990]

I would go to the hospital. Regardless of the past, I think you need to do this.

 

[crisi]

Not my parents, but I get it. Been there done that.

 

[sk!mom]

I'm sorry that you're going through this and even more sorry that your DH isn't able to offer support.

My DH has been in a similar situation and it's very difficult. The reality is that people who have had good families or even families with only a normal level of dysfunction can't understand what some have gone through. They cannot understand that it's sometimes necessary to cut ties in order to have a peaceful happy life.

Do whatever feels right for you.

 

[Princess April]

I had this discussion with my daddy (grandfather) just the other night. My birth mother (his daughter) left when I was 10. I would see her occasionally, mostly on holidays for a few hours but she was really busy with her new family. She got pregnant with twins shorty before getting married to her now husband so she had a lot on her plate.... (obviously, too much to take care of me... but anyway )
I was wondering to myself what would happen if she was on her death bed and was asking for me. Oh yes, can I also mention that she is currently being treated for breast cancer and her mother (yes, my "grad"mother who raised me) passed away from cancer about 6 years ago and guess who never came to visit or give her father some "down time" from caring for her... that's right, Susan (birth mother). I, however was there all the time. Days off from work were spent there, helping daddy, cleaning, helping her eat (when she would) and just sit there and listen to her talk or just watch her sleep.... precious memories I wouldn't trade for the world!
I was almost afraid that, just to "get even" I wouldn't go. Now, OP, don't get me wrong, I, in no way think your not going for this reason, this would simply be my reason. However, I think of the words my grandmother would tell me when I would get upset about the situation... "April, she loves you... but you have to out it behind you and just move forward". It took YEARS for me to really get this, sometimes I wonder if I really do get it, but I'm never gonna stop working on it. I also heard Dr. Phil tell someone something once that really stuck with me: Just because you forgive the person does not make what they did right, it just means that you are not going to carry that around anymore. :ING:: it was like a light bulb went of, literally!
So, with all this, and carrying the love of my grandmother in my heart (daddy is still alive and we vacation together all the time ) I have come to this conclusion. If the time should come that Susan asks for me I will go. Yes, it will be difficult, but I will go. I will be pleasant to her and compassionate. However, if she says anything to suggest that I was there because of my love for her I would let her know the only reason I was there was because "that's the way My parents raised me."
Bless you for having to go through this. I think, for you, you are making the right decision.

 

[dd50]

I'm sorry you have to make this decision. I have never been in this kind of situation, so my thoughts may be naive. I just think that you have to forgive your mother for yourself...whatever she has done. And that may involve your saying it to her, or keeping it in your heart. Either decision will be carried with you for the rest of your life, so you have to go with what is easier to live with..no one else's opinion matters. Your DH's comments may have been inappropriate, but I am sure he was just trying to help, and didn't really mean it.

It is nice of you to go to the funeral for your grandparents. I have always thought of funerals as not necessarily for the dead, but more for the ones left behind.

I was thinking the same thing. You may need to go but for you and not for her. It is only for you to decide.