Anyone else's public school student asked to sign a chastity pledge at school?

[NMAmy]

Who's being manipulated? Signing the pledge is a CHOICE isn't it? Nobody's forcing her hand. This is not forcing any kind of behavior, it's just a suggestion. Just as teaching contraception does not force teens to have sex, a pledge won't force a teen NOT to have sex.

BTW- I am not in favor of "abstinence only" education. I am for abstinence AND contraception education.

Sure, she can make the promise now and feel differently later. People break promises all the time. How many people here once promised to love and cherish someone forever only to divorce them later down the road? People change, promises get broken, but does that mean we should never make promises at all?

Giving the entire class a pledge to sign all at the same time is not intimidating for a 12 year old? What 12 year old is going to have any kind of idea what the heck they are signing? If they don't understand then why bother?

Frankly, I don't see the point of giving a child something to sign and saying, heck, we break promises all the time! No big deal--this means nothing! What kind of "morals" is that showing? Why have them sign it if it doesn't mean anything?

That's not the way I've raised my dd. You stand by your word as long as it is still appropriate to the situation. But not if it's coerced inappropriately by your school. It's wrong to have it in a public school setting.

 

[smartestnumber5]

Am I the only person here who had sex in high school and has no regrets about it at all? I was safe, I did not have any emotional or psychological consequences, I had no health related consequences. If anything, I wish I did it more than I did! I think it was a perfectly fine decision to have sex.

I do not see how I could in good conscious tell my kids that it would be a bad idea to have sex in high school when I did it, I don't regret it, and I would do it again if I had it to do over. If my child were similarly emotionally and maturity wise as I was at that age, planned to use birth control and condoms, seemed to be making the decision to have sex for reasons not having to do with peer pressure or something like that and asked what I thought, what could I say? I think it would be a perfectly fine decision to have sex in those circumstances.

 

[meandtheguys2]

Am I the only person here who had sex in high school and has no regrets about it at all? I was safe, I did not have any emotional or psychological consequences, I had no health related consequences. If anything, I wish I did it more than I did! I think it was a perfectly fine decision to have sex.

I do not see how I could in good conscious tell my kids that it would be a bad idea to have sex in high school when I did it, I don't regret it, and I would do it again if I had it to do over. If my child were similarly emotionally and maturity wise as I was at that age, planned to use birth control and condoms, seemed to be making the decision to have sex for reasons not having to do with peer pressure or something like that and asked what I thought, what could I say? I think it would be a perfectly fine decision to have sex in those circumstances.

But you were lucky there were no serious consequences, if you were having sex with a guy. Pregnancies, whether a student aborts or chooses to keep, wreak havoc on a teenager. These girl's lives are forever changed. So, you were just plain lucky. You just dodged the bullet. (Heck, i've seen this situation get the best of my 20 something friends, too!)

I, btw, would not encourage my child to participate in a contract such as this, though. I think it is all about hype. I hope my kids wait until marriage for the potential of making me a grandmother, but that will be their choice, as they mature. I hope that I will have taught them to be ultimately responsible for their choices by that time.

 

[daisax]

Who's being manipulated? Signing the pledge is a CHOICE isn't it?

Think about it. During the average school day, just how much is "optional" other than choice of entree at school lunch? You can't have teachers passing out pieces of paper for signatures and think that there isn't an implication that anyone who doesn't comply will face consequences of one sort or other, even if they're just the sly looks of their fellow classmates.

 

[Chloe'sMom]

Am I the only person here who had sex in high school and has no regrets about it at all? I was safe, I did not have any emotional or psychological consequences, I had no health related consequences. If anything, I wish I did it more than I did! I think it was a perfectly fine decision to have sex.

I do not see how I could in good conscious tell my kids that it would be a bad idea to have sex in high school when I did it, I don't regret it, and I would do it again if I had it to do over. If my child were similarly emotionally and maturity wise as I was at that age, planned to use birth control and condoms, seemed to be making the decision to have sex for reasons not having to do with peer pressure or something like that and asked what I thought, what could I say? I think it would be a perfectly fine decision to have sex in those circumstances.

No you are not alone. I remember learning about STD's and pregnancy and how it happened in Junior High Health. Never had issues with it and they talked about contraception.

I met my husband when I was 15 - we had sex when I was 16 and we used condomns. Then I went to the planned parenthood and got on the pill.

I was both emotionally mature enough and smart enough to make the choice to have sex and be safe. BTW, my husband is still the only person I've ever had sex with.

~Amanda

 

[themarquis]

Am I the only person here who had sex in high school and has no regrets about it at all? I was safe, I did not have any emotional or psychological consequences, I had no health related consequences. If anything, I wish I did it more than I did! I think it was a perfectly fine decision to have sex.

Well, I didn't have sex in high school, but I often wish I had! I was 20 by the time I did. The people I was with were a lot more experienced than me, since they had "done it" in high school, and so it was a really really difficult transition for me to go from completely virginal to sexually experienced (I hadn't even kissed anyone ... ). I was terrified and it took a long time to be comfortable and I didn't have any basic coping mechanisms or maturity in place to make sense of dating/relationships/sex. I was completely uptight and I even dumped someone because of it! Honestly, I wished I had worked through some of those difficulties earlier in life.

Everyone is different, and for some people waiting a long time works out great. For others, doing it earlier seems to work out. There aren't any hard and fast "rules" in this arena!

 

[missypie]

One scary thing about teen sex is the statutory rape issue. DS16 is a junior and will be 17 in a few weeks. His girlfriend (a first for him!) is a freshman...she's still 14. So what if they are having sex after a while and he turns 18...and she is still 15....and she gets mad at him and tells her daddy, who reports it to the police....I hope all my kids wait until after high school.

 

[smartestnumber5]

But you were lucky there were no serious consequences, if you were having sex with a guy. Pregnancies, whether a student aborts or chooses to keep, wreak havoc on a teenager. These girl's lives are forever changed. So, you were just plain lucky. You just dodged the bullet. (Heck, i've seen this situation get the best of my 20 something friends, too!)

Yes I totally agree that there are of course serious risks. But with properly used birth control and condoms those risks are very low. (Those risks can be even lower depending upon the exact sexual acts occurring and in the case of gay teenagers.) I don't think that I can be said to have dodged a bullet anymore than any person who ever has sex in any situation (married or single, in a relationship or one-night stand, gay or straight) dodges a bullet when they manage to not get pregnant or contract an STD. There are always risks. Being an adult, being married, being in a monogamous relationship does not get rid of those risks (though granted one might be better able to deal with those risks in some situations than others.)

When my aunt was about 22 years old she was already married with a three month old (who was not planned). Apparently on new years eve she and her husband had a night out away from the baby and had a lot to drink and presto (a little sex without birth control later) and she was pregnant again! This presented a HUGE problem for her and my uncle--a newly married, very poor couple with an infant. Now I've never heard anyone suggest that young married couples in such situations should simply refrain from sex until they have more money, their baby is a little older, etc; apparently most people think that sex is worth the risk even in very difficult situations. (And of course most people simply ignore the threat of STDs altogether when it comes to being married or in any kind of adult committed relationship. I believe there's actually been a big increase in STDs amongst senior citizens because folks of that age have little knowledge of safe-sex and STDs are assumed to be something that only teenagers and promiscuous people have to worry about.)

 

[themarquis]

But you were lucky there were no serious consequences, if you were having sex with a guy. Pregnancies, whether a student aborts or chooses to keep, wreak havoc on a teenager. These girl's lives are forever changed. So, you were just plain lucky. You just dodged the bullet. (Heck, i've seen this situation get the best of my 20 something friends, too!)

I, btw, would not encourage my child to participate in a contract such as this, though. I think it is all about hype. I hope my kids wait until marriage for the potential of making me a grandmother, but that will be their choice, as they mature. I hope that I will have taught them to be ultimately responsible for their choices by that time.

You are right that there are some possible negative consequences to sex. It's interesting to me, however, that these negative consequences often get brought up late in a discussion after the stuff about "purity" and premarital sex being bad and wrong and teens being "children" and all that jazz get raised, almost as t hough the negative consequence talk is a bit of backpedaling, meant to appeal to everyone, regardless of their particular beliefs, even though the whole discourse on sexual purity specifically arises from a religious, often fundamentalist position.

However, regardless, I guess in response to the negative consequence argument, I might suggest that there are many things that teens and young adults do that are potentially dangerous. My previous example was driving. Driving is pretty fatal. It can kill you (esp. teens since they have very high vehicular accident/death rates). It can disable you for life. It can kill your friends who are with you in the car. It can lead to you being arrested (for example, when combined with alcohol). I even wonder whether driving is more dangerous than sex is, statistically speaking.

The best response to all of these dangers is to make sure our young people don't drive. We should forbid our children from getting a driver's license. We should take up valuable learning time in school instructing them on how terrible driving is. We should make them sign a pledge to not drive until they're in their mid-twenties.

OF course I don't believe this ... but my point is just that often, it is really okay for young people to do things that are potentially dangerous. It is parents job to make s ure that their child is emotionally ready for this kind of thing, and to offer guidance and assistance. However, in most cases, parents would be misguided if they were to completely forbid their children from engaging in potentially dangerous activities.

These potentially dangerous activities, whether they be driving, getting in a relationship, having sex, drinking, falling in love, getting a job, traveling to Europe, deciding to have a family, etc, are sometimes a bit scary, because they can lead to negative consequences. But they are also the stuff of life, the building blocks of a rewarding life full of love and joy.

 

[lilyv]

One scary thing about teen sex is the statutory rape issue. DS16 is a junior and will be 17 in a few weeks. His girlfriend (a first for him!) is a freshman...she's still 14. So what if they are having sex after a while and he turns 18...and she is still 15....and she gets mad at him and tells her daddy, who reports it to the police....I hope all my kids wait until after high school.

Missy, My kids are beyond the HS years, but I assure you I talked very honestly with my son (when he was 17) about what you are describing. It's so important that they understand that this is a dangerous zone, and they really need to know specifically why. "You shouldn't and don't" are good, but it's far better to explain that he's almost 17, dating a young teenage girl. He needs to clearly understand that if there is anything sexual going on he's risking a conviction and time in juvenile hall or jail....and on top of it all it's quite possible to be labeled a sex offender from just these situations.

And please know my son was (and is) a good son, as I'm sure yours is also. It's just that it's better that older teens know exactly what the legal consequences are well ahead of time, so they are able to keep themselves out of any and all trouble.

FWIW, I think a frank, calm, honest talk about these issues with mom or dad or both beats a "I promise to be pure" paper anyday.

 

[Acklander]

It's not "dirty" but it is inappropriate to be having sex while you are still a child.

I must say I am pretty surprised at how many people here seem to think to think that teens *not* having sex is a BAD idea. I never thought chastity would be viewed so negatively.

I've never said teens not having sex is a bad idea, but I do think chastity until marriage is a bad idea.
That being said, I don't think teens having sex is the end of the world either - it happens, and if a teen is planning on having sex, I think it's best that they are informed and prepared, and if the only thing they are prepared with is a chastity pledge they signed when they were 12, then we have done them a disservice.

 

[chobie]

Am I the only person here who had sex in high school and has no regrets about it at all? I was safe, I did not have any emotional or psychological consequences, I had no health related consequences. If anything, I wish I did it more than I did! I think it was a perfectly fine decision to have sex.

I do not see how I could in good conscious tell my kids that it would be a bad idea to have sex in high school when I did it, I don't regret it, and I would do it again if I had it to do over. If my child were similarly emotionally and maturity wise as I was at that age, planned to use birth control and condoms, seemed to be making the decision to have sex for reasons not having to do with peer pressure or something like that and asked what I thought, what could I say? I think it would be a perfectly fine decision to have sex in those circumstances.

Nope, my boyfriend and I were 17 and were in love (or so we thought at the time) and before we had sex I went to PP and got on the pill and waited the month for it to take affect etc. I had good sex ed in school back in the early 80's.

I've been having sex for 22 years now, and have never had an unplanned pregnancy or an STD.

It's really not that hard to have safe sex. I'm not going to lie to my children an oversell the risks of sex . I am also not going to oversell the "special giftness" of sex either. Sometimes sex is really good and sometimes it's not that great. My first experience was awkward and painful. Though it got much better, I think my wedding night would have been quite the disappointment if I had been waiting all those years for that. JMHO.


BTW, my daughter was told in her abstinence program that inserted birth control methods as well as tampon can get lost "up there." She is now terrified of her genitalia.

 

[Kath2003]

Look at it this way: if you ask a 12 year old not to have sex until they're married, that seems like a pretty good idea to a 12-year-old. Why? Because they see only the benefits.

Most 12 year olds aren't fighting the gazillion hormones ravaging their bodies telling them to procreate - let's remember here that longevity and marriage are relatively 'new' institutions in the human timespan. A human female is most fertile at age 17. A century ago, a female would have been married off before age 16 if possible. It wasn't uncommon for women to have children between 16 and 20 because that was the social norm.

Now the social norm if for women to go out, get an education, have a career and even live independently. This doesn't change the fact that all her hormones in her body are screaming 'hey dummy, you're most fertile NOW, not when you're 35!'. The only reason women can and do take advantage of the opportunities available to them today is because modern medicine has made contraception a social norm, also.

You're asking 12-year-olds to fight what is essentially the most basic of primal urges - both female AND male. Why do you think they don't give this pledge to 16-year-olds? Because 16-year-olds know how darn difficult it is to fight the urges, emotions, and feelings they're having about sex. They give it to 12-year-olds because they don't quite yet have these feelings, urges and emotions - it's essentially a form of emotional deception; asking these students to make pledges without knowing the full ramifications of their decision; and applying peer pressure in the process.

AT BEST the pledges need to be given to the parents to have them decide whether to present them to the child, and in what format.

I had planned, safe, sex in high school also, with NO pregnancy and NO STD scares. I remained emotionally stable throughout - besides the odd upset over a break-up which would have happened be there sex involved or not. I have been checked for STDs before becoming intimate with all of my partners and had them do likewise if they'd had previous sexual partners. I know 100% that the sex I'm having is safe from STDs and pregnancy. I know this because my parents and the school taught me well. Actually I've never approached my parents about contraception - they're still a bit 'don't do it' for me. Sex is one of the pleasures in life I enjoy and am not willing to sacrifice based on the opinions of others. I seek my advice from qualified medical professionals with no moral interest in my life. It's not failed me so far...

I plan to be as open as possible with my future kids about sex. Sex is a natural thing, not something to be ashamed of - and that includes all aspects, from attraction to intercourse. Whilst I don't want them to jump into anything, I don't necessarily think that abstaining from such a fundamental part of an intimate relationship is the best foundation for a marriage; but I'll support them in whatever decisions they choose to make, providing they're educated decisions, rather than ones based on myths, morals or naivety.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Not for nothing but I don't need for the school to have anything on file regarding my children and their sex life. Even if I want them to stay chaste or not it is none of their business and has no place in school. Teach them how sex works, genatalia, ************, birth control etc. but keep your opinions on premarital sex to yourself. That is for my dh and I to teach our kids about. Sex ed shoud be an education hence the name! Sex EDUCATION. Making kids sign those pledges is a humiliation tactic. What kid isn't going to sign it? Even if you don't sign it because you just don't think it is their business and you personally have an iron chastity belt on your peers will have alot to say about it and I am sure the teachers will too. Do you remember what it was like to be 12? Kids want to fit in and this simple defiance could be the line in the sand. I may sound dramatic but we all know some parent who would get all stupid over another kid not signing the pledge and not want her kid being friendly with that child because after all - since they didn't sign the pledge they must be swinging from the stripper pole every night. This pledge has no place in a public school system. Teach the facts of sex and leave the moral discussions to the parents.

 

[goofygirl]

Well, I didn't have sex in high school, but I often wish I had! I was 20 by the time I did. The people I was with were a lot more experienced than me, since they had "done it" in high school, and so it was a really really difficult transition for me to go from completely virginal to sexually experienced (I hadn't even kissed anyone ... ). I was terrified and it took a long time to be comfortable and I didn't have any basic coping mechanisms or maturity in place to make sense of dating/relationships/sex. I was completely uptight and I even dumped someone because of it! Honestly, I wished I had worked through some of those difficulties earlier in life.

Everyone is different, and for some people waiting a long time works out great. For others, doing it earlier seems to work out. There aren't any hard and fast "rules" in this arena!

Well, I didn't have sex in high school and I have no regrets about it. Yes, there was some heartache- I had a boyfriend in high school who dumped me because I wouldn't "put out", but I think he would have dumped me anyway even if I had given him what he wanted. I was afraid to have sex as teen but when I look back, I think that it was a good fear!! I spared myself of STDs, possible pregnancy, and the emotional implications of being intimate way too soon, and spared myself of letting some silly hormonally driven loser teen boy use me, I didn't let myself be degraded. After that boy dumped me, I "swore off" boys and focused my energy on more important things than boys... and sex.

I was well out of my teens when I had sex, I did not wait until marriage. I don't think the lack of sex in my teens impacted my adult sex life much. I do not regret *not* waiting until marriage, but there are times when I think maybe it would have been nice if I had waited. Being I am 38 and still not married, I would have been an "old" virgin, but I don't see anything wrong with that, it would have been ok with me. It's too bad society seems to view older chaste/pure people as somewhat abnormal.

 

[va32h]

Are we still talking about the chastity pledge or teen sex in general? The chastity pledge is ridiculous; none of the school's business and totally inappropriate in a public school setting.

Teens and sex in general - well teens have an amazing ability to think nothing bad will ever happen to them. I waited until the summer after my senior year, when I was 18. Not that 18 was any sort of magic number, but I'd had a boyfriend during senior year and that just happened to be when we were ready. I would NOT have been ready at 14, 15, or 16. But I did know other girls who were having sex - one girl in our circle had three abortions before she was 17. My best friend had an abortion her senior year, and another good friend had a pregnancy scare.

These were all smart girls - honor society, levelheaded girls who knew perfectly well where babies came from and how to prevent it. And they fell victim to "teen-itis" also known as It Won't Happen to Me Syndrome.

Wishful thinking, not wanting to insist if the boy were reluctant, getting caught up in the moment, afraid to ask mom for a trip to the clinic -- whatever the reason, it boiled down to that tendency of youth to think that nothing really bad can happen to them. It's why teenagers speed when they drive or take up smoking or cut school or engage in a hundred other risky behaviors for which they are perfectly aware of the possible consequences, but they just don't think it will happen to them

Scientists say this is actually a function of the adolescent brain - that teenagers process information with the emotional parts of the brain vs. the adult ability to use the "logic" part of our brains. How many times did our parents tell us "What were you thinking?" Well, we weren't thinking! Teens don't think. Yes, that's a blanket statement and I'm sure there are all sorts of perfectly sensible teenagers out there and I'm sure all of you people never did a single stupid, impulsive thing as a teenager. But most teens really do act without thinking.

And that's why "well they can just use birth control" isn't a good enough answer. Because lots of them won't. They just won't think about it.

 

[sanctus]

Am I the only person here who had sex in high school and has no regrets about it at all? I was safe, I did not have any emotional or psychological consequences, I had no health related consequences. If anything, I wish I did it more than I did! I think it was a perfectly fine decision to have sex.

I do not see how I could in good conscious tell my kids that it would be a bad idea to have sex in high school when I did it, I don't regret it, and I would do it again if I had it to do over. If my child were similarly emotionally and maturity wise as I was at that age, planned to use birth control and condoms, seemed to be making the decision to have sex for reasons not having to do with peer pressure or something like that and asked what I thought, what could I say? I think it would be a perfectly fine decision to have sex in those circumstances.

You're not the only one. I was in high school, had been with the boyfriend almost 2 years at that point, and I know I made the right decision. I was mature enough, I was very careful, not one time did we "take a chance" and there was mutual love and respect. Honestly I pray my children are as lucky as I was.