Anyone else have this little problem?

[lucy_love_]

Originally posted by DWhittles
Do you run into a great deal of people who critize you in a passive aggressive manner?
Bear in mind too the age of the person making the comments...She's twelve.
Diana

criticising other is certianly not passive.

 

[DWhittles]

I know that critizing isn't passive but when you do it in a manner that is not directly aimed at the person you are commenting about it is passive agressive...

 

[lucy_love_]

if you are commenting loud enough for that peson to hear then of course it is aimed directly at them in an indirect mannor

 

[DWhittles]

Right! Thereby being a rather Passive Agressive act don't you think?

 

[mom2alix]

Sweetness,

It sounds to me like you are handling this perfectly. By making it clear to your DD that it is NOT appropriate for her to make comments about others in public, you are teaching her not to be rude. BTW - I would not blast a 12 yo for making a comment, but if her parent didn't point out that she was being rude, I might simply because it would occur to me that she was a child and might not realize how she was coming across. Although I was raised that it is rude to point out when someone else is being rude, so I'm not sure I would say anything.

I also think that encouraging her to speak her mind to you privately is a good thing. This gives you a chance to reinforce your values to her. When she says to you (later, in private) that she thinks that girl's shorts were too short, etc. you can explain to her how you feel about it and help her understand that people are different.

As for the second topic - we have a harness for DD, but I've hardly used it. She likes the stroller so I haven't needed it, but every child is different. We are in a play group with a little boy who escapes the stroller and is a real bundle of energy and I know if he was my kid I would probably use the harness much more simply to keep him safe. memymomonica - I think the key thing to understand is that what works for you with your DD might not work for everyone simply because children are different.

I actually don't think I would have been offended by the CM remark about the "seeing eye child", because I would have assumed he/she was making a joke, not judging my parenting. Although tone of voice may have had a lot to do with why you were offended, it's so hard to get those nuances in writing.

I guess I see nothing wrong with using the harness so I'm not real sensitive to what others think. I know I'm doing what I think is best for DD so what someone else thinks isn't all that important to me.

 

[lucy_love_]

not at all. passive aggressive is a complete contradiction in terms and only ever use by people who cant fully handle the fact they are aggressive. passive agressive behavior is classed as a personallity disorder?!???!!!!! haha thats bs.

 

[DWhittles]

Okay Lucy...you win.

 

[eeyore kelly]

I think a harness for an 11 year old is extreme.

I mentioned my DS' age in the post to say I was a parent of a tween too. I must have not made myself clear. DS 11 has not worn a harness since he was three. Just wanted to clear that up!

 

[DWhittles]

Bump

 

[robertsmom]

Originally posted by DWhittles
I agree that if you are insulted, say something but I the response to a 12 year old shouldn't be the same as to an adult.
A 12 year old is really still a kid.

I agree 100% DWhittles! It seems like some people here have forgotten that we are talking about a 12 year old CHILD, not an adult.

PS: I just have to say that Patrick Jazz is a living doll! What a cutie

 

[DWhittles]

Thank you so much!
I'm awful fond of him and think he's the most beautiful creature on the planet but I guess I'm a little biased aren't I?
Diana

 

[jgates]

Of course you are biased - you should be!!! I think Jazz seems like a cool middle name too. (Or is it your last name?). It just sounds really neat together.

I have to admit - I would probably stare at your purple hair - once. Then I would probably ignore it. I'm having harder times dealing with the stuff I see kids do in our rural town. One kid just seems he has gone past the point of individuality and gone to the point of extreme and what appears to be an attempt at shock-value. Now it is a good thing my 11 (nearly 12) year old has not seen him or she would probably blurt something out in about 2 seconds. I can't figure out how I have restrained myself.

Either way - my DD I know will blurt something out one of these days. Usually if something is bothering her she will kind of turn around and whisper something to me, but one of these days I know she's gonna blow also. She is just that type of kid.

And on leashes? My DS asked to wear his wriststrap - he wanted the security of knowing where I was in a crowd. Course when he was 2 he took off on a dead run any chance he could - left my dad stranded in the middle of a boat show in the mall while he took off running underneath them. Dad's eyesight wasn't that great and his legs had poor circulation so the boat salesmen just kept pointing 'there-' as dad tried to run him down. That's when we bought the leash!

DD I thought we could get by without one. Yeah right. DD had never had one until she disappeared in the mall once. I am talking split seconds and she was gone. My mom and I and her brother (then 9) were in hysterics. There were enough stores close that were ones she would like - pet store, kids store, book store, arcade.....we didn't know where to start. We did the arcade and still couldn't find her - but that is actually where she was & where we finally found her several minutes later. It took me 5 minutes to go down to the end of the mall to Target and buy the only style they had which happened to be the harness style. I would have preferred a wrist one, but boy it served it's purpose!!! The ONLY time we received a negative comment was at a state park in Indiana. She and I went across the swinging bridge (with only rope sides) over the large stream/river. The 2 ladies behind me (I couldn't hear them) started in with the nasty 'dog on a leash' cracks. My mother happened to be behind them as she uses a cane & moves a bit slower. She gave them a dirty look and asked it they thought it would be better treatment for a child to let them slide thru the rope sides on the bridge and die in the river (it would have been easy to do if she had started squirming!!). They both got big eyed and realized that the 'leash' was probably the better alternative and shut up fast.

 

[DWhittles]

Nope,
Jazz is his middle name and thanks! We wanted to give him a unique name but didn't want to force him to use it!
One of my good friend Todd who lives in California and is in a band and is one of the sweetest human beings ever put on this earth is one of those guys that you wonder if he's doing it only for shock or for attention. (see picture below and formulate your own opinion)
I personally think he's doing it because he doesn't like himself very much and doesn't feel that he can get by on what I think is a stellar personality. If he looks odd, you will be forced to pay attention to him either in a negative or positive manner.
I can tell you my hair is always funky colors beacuse I spent YEARS trying to be just like everyone else and was miserable. I guess I'm going to the extreme opposite now huh?
You just never know why someone is doing something unless you ASK.
One of my favorite quotes of all times is "Who I am, and what you think of me just might not be the same"
Diana

 

[ougrad86]

not at all. passive aggressive is a complete contradiction in terms and only ever use by people who cant fully handle the fact they are aggressive. passive agressive behavior is classed as a personallity disorder?!???!!!!! haha thats bs.

Passive-aggressive is a personality disorder. It is doing aggressive (damaging) things in subtle (passive) ways. It can be quite harmful to the person on the receiving end.
It can also be a behavior...the person using this technique may not have a personality disorder, but act in this matter to cause harm to one particular person. If you have the disorder, it usually encompasses your life.
Where did you get your psychology degree?

 

[Lizzy2]

Lord help us, but our mothers were right, weren't they? Somethings you just don't understand until you're the Mom!
She'll outgrow it!

 

[jenelope]

The_Sweetness, I'm not a Mom, so maybe my opinion doesn't carry as much weight, but I think you and your daughter are on the right track. You've said it's been 3 years or more since she's embarrassed you in public. To me, that's a clear improvement. I would just ensure that you continue to encourage her to express herself better. Hopefully, someday soon she'll be swapping the whispered "slut" for "I don't like it when girls wear their shorts that short," etc.

 

[Donald - my hero]

Hello one & all I just wanted to add my 2 cents worth to this conversation. We were lucky enuff to find the perfect "contaiment" stapr for our kids about 18 years ago. Doubt you could find one now but worth looking. We found it in Toys R Us & also saw it in a baby store. Anywho, It was a small back-pack that child wore (he loved it since we would put crackers, granola bars juice etc in it) he wore it EVERY time we went out so he was comfortable in it. It had two strap across the front, one at shoulder level and one at waist level. They were ajustable so he wore it for 3 years. When need be, tucked inside the back pack there was a rainbow coloured strap that we could pull out and hang onto. Since he was used to back pack this didn't bother him. Only comments I ever got were questions as to where they could get it. Daughter wore it once she was outta stroller and by that time son knew he was required to hold onto handle.

And clothing, only thing that bothers me ... why do pregnant teens think it is ok to wear short pants and shirt that doesn't cover belly? I mean yes it is beautiful BUT not in public. Never mention this anywhere but at home.

Stepping down offa the soap box I created for myself. Back to your reguarlly scheduled programming.

 

[dana1003]

i have a set of 3 year old twin girls and yes we plan on putting both of them on a "leash" and you know what , no ones comments will change my mind about using them. people will do what they feel is easiest for them and i am all for anyone using them. if anyone has lost their child for even a minute (like we did -sans leash) you would understand why they are so important. kudos to every parent out there who doensnt worry about other looks or comments and worries only about their childs safety.

 

[F4disneyfan]

My youngest DD said something along the line of what yours says about teh bathing suits I fixed her little red wagon with a nice mouthfull of soap and explained to her that she isn't to talk like that again unless she really liked the taste of the soap and wished to continue eating it. We haven't had a single episode since and it has been about a year now.

 

[Mommo]

Yep, been there. Mommie look how FAT that lady is! (She was choking back tears when I told her the lady heard and it hurt her feelings) Onto the motorcycle next to us at the red light- He's not very smart, he doesn't have a helmet on-
Everytime it happened when they were little we went over standard lecture #3 "OK, here's the deal. When you are a grown up you get to make your own choices. Clever is as clever does and what choices a person makes are their own."
Now, they are much more aware of appropriate (we're talking the 14yr dd & the 10 yr ds). They answer fine when asked how they are doing in school because we celebrate achievement at home and choose not to brag. Even the 6 yr old dd said she didn't tell her class how great her dollhouse bithday gift was so the other girls didn't feel bad.
What kind of a person do you want your daughter to be? It seems clear that you love her very much and that she is defining herself in clear good/bad terms for now. Completely age appropriate. She may need your direction & is getting that. It's a process, she'll be fine. Good luck-
Beth