Anyone else hate parties?

[KimR]

I gave up going to parties years ago. I hate them, I'm miserable and I spend the entire time counting down the minutes until I can leave. I decided a few years ago that I was finished with it all. It's pointless for me to attend social functions since I don't contribute much anyway and I doubt seriously anyone will even notice. The host/hostess could simply go get an extra plant or flower arrangement in my place, which would contribute exactly the same in terms of witty and sparkling conversation and would be far more attractive.

But as it happens, every one in a while a 'command performance' comes up, usually family-related, and I feel obligated to go. Tomorrow is one such occasion and now, I'm dreading it more than ever because it's something I so rarely do. I know I can't be alone in this. Can anyone else commiserate? To make matters worse, I believe this is going to be a dry function, which eliminates my primary social-coping mechanism. UGH....I really wish it were over already.

 

[eliza61]

Nope, not me. Well actually it depends. I love family holiday parties. Usually it's a chance to catch up with my love ones during a happy occasion. Once a year my college roommates and sorority sisters get together for a small party. It's a wonderful time. You say it's a "command"performance so I'm going to assume it's a family function. Is there some thing or someone you don't particularly like about it? I do hate office or job parties but friends and family events can be fun.
Do you like holiday gatherings?

 

[usnuzuloose]

Your not alone.

 

[KimR]

Nope, not me. Well actually it depends. I love family holiday parties. Usually it's a chance to catch up with my love ones during a happy occasion. Once a year my college roommates and sorority sisters get together for a small party. It's a wonderful time. You say it's a "command"performance so I'm going to assume it's a family function. Is there some thing or someone you don't particularly like about it? I do hate office or job parties but friends and family events can be fun.
Do you like holiday gatherings?

Yes, it's a family function, but there will be more than just family there. What don't I like about it? Everything. First and foremost, I can't stand crowds, noise and the general feeling of chaos. I hate mingling and trying to make small talk. Conversation is difficult for me, especially with people I don't know well. I never know what to say unless I'm asked a direct question, and even then I often screw it up. I'm above average in terms of intelligence, yet I have no social skills and this makes me self-conscious because I'm afraid people who don't know me well (and some who do) will think I'm an idiot due to my inability to carry on a normal conversation. That's it for starters. I honestly think I have some sort of social disability. I know it sounds silly for a reasonably intelligent adult to have such difficulties, but there it is.

I enjoy holiday gatherings because it's always just family and they know how I am and love me in spite of it. Also, they know how I get in crowds and completely understand if I get overwhelmed and have to remove myself from the chaos. We even joke about it sometimes.

 

[7165red]

I hate going to a party when I don't know anyone. It so awful making small talk. These are usually business related. I have stopped going, thats it.
Now family thats another matter, lol.

 

[KimR]

I think posting this thread was a good idea because now that I am venting, whining and complaining about all this, it's probably not going to be nearly as bad as I am making it out to be. More often than not, that usually seems to be how it works.

 

[baldy6060]

Totally with you on this one. I had a social disorder called selective mutism as a kid. Couldn't even talk to my own dad. I'm better but still socially awkward. Didn't do parties in my teens. Don't do them now.

 

[DeaverTex]

I don't really go to parties, but that's because we don't know anybody who gives them (see below for the single exception). I've never been to anything that was specifically called a "party" that wasn't dreadful, at least for me. I won't say I hate parties, but I will say that I haven't had fun at one yet. Still hoping though.

And yeah, work-related parties are the absolute pits. My boss' big Christmas party is like a torture session for both me and Mrs. Tex, and that's even considering all the good food and free booze -- which we ain't gonna drink anyhow because we're leaving as soon as we think we can get away with it, and there's always a county sheriff's deputy parked by his driveway to "direct traffic".

Go, be seen by the people who need to know you were there, spend a few minutes talking to anybody you might know, or at least pretending to, and then make a quiet exit. Works every time.

 

[tefrench]

Ugh, me too. Especially when it's only women, for some reason.

I'm an introvert, so large groups are torture, but I have a weekly small scrapbooking group and love it.

Maybe if you google introvert, you could find some coping skills to help you out. Once I realized I was an introvert, I felt free to be how I am and not feel so bad about not liking parties so much - there's a lot of interesting stuff out there.

But I will say work parties are a special form of hades.

 

[KimR]

Ugh, me too. Especially when it's only women, for some reason.

I'm an introvert, so large groups are torture, but I have a weekly small scrapbooking group and love it.

Maybe if you google introvert, you could find some coping skills to help you out. Once I realized I was an introvert, I felt free to be how I am and not feel so bad about not liking parties so much - there's a lot of interesting stuff out there.

But I will say work parties are a special form of hades.

Oh, I'm definitely an introvert. And I, too, have a particularly hard time relating to other women. I actually get along with men fairly well and if they didn't spend all their time watching and/or talking about sports I'd just hang with them and I'd probably be fine. They are generally much friendlier and seem to be more forgiving of my occasional (or more than occasional) conversational faux pas.

 

[jackilvsmath]

I am in the same exact camp as KimR. Glad to know I'm not alone. Maybe we should all get together and discuss it. Like a party.

 

[Reddy]

hmmm let's see it will be family & a few friends of the family, right??
OK let's think up a few questions that you can ask other people about so you have something to say
Where do you think the hurricane will make land at?? - this is a weather question, always think up one of these since everyone should be up on the major weather happenings
does the host have kids/grandkids?? if so - ask if they seen the kids play this year yet (since you aren't a social person I"m going to assume you haven't seen them play) so you can ask how the kids are doing
what teams are in your area that is still playing??

try to think up at least 5 questions ahead of time - write them down & stick them in a pocket in case you forget - I would look at your computer homepage - I"m thinking msn & see what are the top stories then you can discuss them
if you have a disney trip planned - then you can ask if they have been if so what rides they enjoyed

 

[KimR]

Thank you for the ideas, Reddy. I'll be sure to try to come up with a few conversation starters beforehand to prepare.

See, here's the frustrating thing: I've always been the 'smart one'. I made good grades in school with little to no effort and now I do well and am respected in my career. I was never good in sports, never talented, pretty, or popular, but I was smart - that's always been my thing. It frustrates me to no end that try as I might I cannot solve this problem intellectually. Or, I should say, right now I'm frustrated because I have to go to a party tomorrow. After it's over I'll breath a sigh of relief and go right back to being my happy, introverted self. I've long since accepted this about myself and have stopped trying to change. At least until the next 'command performance' rears its ugly head.

 

[lovin'fl]

Yes, it's a family function, but there will be more than just family there. What don't I like about it? Everything. First and foremost, I can't stand crowds, noise and the general feeling of chaos. I hate mingling and trying to make small talk. Conversation is difficult for me, especially with people I don't know well. I never know what to say unless I'm asked a direct question, and even then I often screw it up. I'm above average in terms of intelligence, yet I have no social skills and this makes me self-conscious because I'm afraid people who don't know me well (and some who do) will think I'm an idiot due to my inability to carry on a normal conversation. That's it for starters. I honestly think I have some sort of social disability. I know it sounds silly for a reasonably intelligent adult to have such difficulties, but there it is.

I enjoy holiday gatherings because it's always just family and they know how I am and love me in spite of it. Also, they know how I get in crowds and completely understand if I get overwhelmed and have to remove myself from the chaos. We even joke about it sometimes.

You sound just like me. I only like immediate family gatherings (close family not like great aunts and second cousins). I am a self proclaimed recluse and would LOVE to be able to hardly leave the house. I have had to go to many different social situations this past month (hard to avoid when you have 3 kids) and I am feeling drained and frazzled...it's a lot of work (to go and try my hardest to say the right things and pay attention to everything that's going on while watching the clock tick by so slowly). And there are more and more events popping up each day...my calendar is full through Thanksgiving. Well, it's good to know that I am not alone. I am sorry you feel this way too though. Hopefully it won't be too bad tomorrow...are you on the east coast cause maybe it will get cancelled due to the storm coming? If not, do your duty and then go home and eat some ice cream in bed or something wonderful like that.
edited to say that I just noticed you are on the east coast...maybe they'll cancel?

 

[lovin'fl]

hmmm let's see it will be family & a few friends of the family, right??
OK let's think up a few questions that you can ask other people about so you have something to say
Where do you think the hurricane will make land at?? - this is a weather question, always think up one of these since everyone should be up on the major weather happenings
does the host have kids/grandkids?? if so - ask if they seen the kids play this year yet (since you aren't a social person I"m going to assume you haven't seen them play) so you can ask how the kids are doing
what teams are in your area that is still playing??

try to think up at least 5 questions ahead of time - write them down & stick them in a pocket in case you forget - I would look at your computer homepage - I"m thinking msn & see what are the top stories then you can discuss them
if you have a disney trip planned - then you can ask if they have been if so what rides they enjoyed

I don't think it's that we (us who have this trouble) can't think up random conversational things to say...it's more that we don't know when to say them. I feel like I can't read (or read incorrectly...or read too much into it) the visual cues that folks give out. And I think of responses to what others say to me way too slowly...my processing is slow. And I can't verbalize what's in my head too well (not on command...takes me a while and then it's too late). If it's a group that's bantering back and forth...I am done for. And I too find it harder with women.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, you are def. not alone!

And, you know, being a wonderful, intelligent person with a lot of good traits, and some deficit in 'social skills', can go hand in hand.
Not everyone is good at, and enjoys, navigating social situations.

Sounds like that is just the way you are. Like you said, a touch of social disability, ASD???

Just go, and smile, enjoy the surroundings, and don't put too much pressure on yourself do actually do a command 'performance'.
Take the pressure off!

PS: Maybe you could have a nice drink before you go in...

 

[KimR]

I don't think it's that we (us who have this trouble) can't think up random conversational things to say...it's more that we don't know when to say them. I feel like I can't read (or read incorrectly...or read too much into it) the visual cues that folks give out. And I think of responses to what others say to me way too slowly...my processing is slow. And I can't verbalize what's in my head too well (not on command...takes me a while and then it's too late). If it's a group that's bantering back and forth...I am done for. And I too find it harder with women.

Exactly!! You totally get where I am coming from! Also, someone will make a comment that seems to require a response, but I will have no idea what an appropriate response is. Or, someone will ask a question and I will answer it - only I will have totally misinterpreted what they meant. I only realize this last one is a problem because I've had DH tell me - otherwise, I'd have no idea unless I happen to pick up on 'the look', which sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. And the banter - absolutely. And also the cryptic comments or 'jokes' that I don't quite get. And the worst: the comment: 'you're awfully quiet'. Or when I do speak up, the sarcastic 'she speaks!! I didn't know you could talk'. This last one usually from men, actually.

 

[ugadog99]

I hate parties! I'm quiet and extremely shy! I am just so uncomfortable at those kind of events. Rarely, rarely will I attend a party.

 

[lovin'fl]

Exactly!! You totally get where I am coming from! Also, someone will make a comment that seems to require a response, but I will have no idea what an appropriate response is. Or, someone will ask a question and I will answer it - only I will have totally misinterpreted what they meant. I only realize this last one is a problem because I've had DH tell me - otherwise, I'd have no idea unless I happen to pick up on 'the look', which sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. And the banter - absolutely. And also the cryptic comments or 'jokes' that I don't quite get. And the worst: the comment: 'you're awfully quiet'. Or when I do speak up, the sarcastic 'she speaks!! I didn't know you could talk'. This last one usually from men, actually.

Yes, all that is me too. I hate the cryptic comments/jokes. Huh...there are 'others' out there. I always feel like I am the only awkward one at these social outings. Everyone else seems to be perfectly witty and social, maybe one or two quieter persons here and there (my DH is one) but I always thought they were just quiet and didn't have any social trouble or anxiety...but maybe they do too.

Things are even harder lately because my 3 teens (lovely age ) like to point out when I seem awkward with other folks and when they are mad at me they like to say that I'm "antisocial" and sometimes will even say that nobody likes me (that's when they're really mad). Nice!!

I will say that as much as I dread social stuff, it is better than when I was a teen. That was horrible. Now it's not the end of the world (like it was then) and I can do what I have to do even though I hate it (but as a teen I was more paralyzed and self hating...now I am more to terms with 'it's just who I am'). Still, if I can get out of going somewhere...I will.

 

[Pooh67_68]

I don't think it's that we (us who have this trouble) can't think up random conversational things to say...it's more that we don't know when to say them. I feel like I can't read (or read incorrectly...or read too much into it) the visual cues that folks give out. And I think of responses to what others say to me way too slowly...my processing is slow. And I can't verbalize what's in my head too well (not on command...takes me a while and then it's too late). If it's a group that's bantering back and forth...I am done for. And I too find it harder with women.

Never thought there were others like this.

OP i too have a family party to go to tomorrow and i'm not thrilled, but we just had a funeral this past Tues. so i feel being with family in a happy setting is reason enough to go.