Anyone else hate parties?

[desamnik]

I love holidays, but house parties after say 25, not so much.

Two separate neighbors have annual parties, one is a Christmas party, the other is a Halloween party. Everyone is over 40 for both.

Standing around in someones kitchen or family room for hours on end trying to make small talk is just boring. I'd rather be home.

No music at either one, unless it starts after we've left...

I don't look forward ot either party, but feel obligated to go.

 

[Rylee]

Sounds like you have Social Anxiety.

The best tip I can give you about conversing at a party...

BE A GOOD LISTENER. I'm serious. People love to talk about themselves. Come up with an appropriate but vague question... So what are your kids up to these days? How was your vacation? You always make the best _______, have you always been good at ______? How have you been since your Mother's passing?

And then, listen, really listen. If you are truly listening, it serves two purposes -
1) It will help to keep you from focusing on your own insecurities in social situations.
2) If you are truly engaged in what they are saying, the conversation may naturally flow more freely.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I get bored in big groups, so I can relate to your problem. maybe im an introvert? hmmm. I should look into that.

Sent from my Galaxy SII using DISBoards App

 

[violetrose]

Yes, it's a family function, but there will be more than just family there. What don't I like about it? Everything. First and foremost, I can't stand crowds, noise and the general feeling of chaos. I hate mingling and trying to make small talk. Conversation is difficult for me, especially with people I don't know well. I never know what to say unless I'm asked a direct question, and even then I often screw it up. I'm above average in terms of intelligence, yet I have no social skills and this makes me self-conscious because I'm afraid people who don't know me well (and some who do) will think I'm an idiot due to my inability to carry on a normal conversation. That's it for starters. I honestly think I have some sort of social disability. I know it sounds silly for a reasonably intelligent adult to have such difficulties, but there it is.

I enjoy holiday gatherings because it's always just family and they know how I am and love me in spite of it. Also, they know how I get in crowds and completely understand if I get overwhelmed and have to remove myself from the chaos. We even joke about it sometimes.

I hated parties when I was younger because I was very shy and didn't know what to say to people. But as I got older and my husband and I were asked to more parties, a lot of times through his work (people I didn't know) I learned to make small talk. The best advice I ever got and give to you is find the one person in the room who likes to talk and ask them a bunch of questions. You could go all night with that one person! Most people do like to talk about themselves. Ask about their work, their hobbies, their children, whatever situation fits, and then just politely nod your head and say yes and no when appropriate. Works like a charm!

 

[violetrose]

Exactly!! You totally get where I am coming from! Also, someone will make a comment that seems to require a response, but I will have no idea what an appropriate response is. Or, someone will ask a question and I will answer it - only I will have totally misinterpreted what they meant. I only realize this last one is a problem because I've had DH tell me - otherwise, I'd have no idea unless I happen to pick up on 'the look', which sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. And the banter - absolutely. And also the cryptic comments or 'jokes' that I don't quite get. And the worst: the comment: 'you're awfully quiet'. Or when I do speak up, the sarcastic 'she speaks!! I didn't know you could talk'. This last one usually from men, actually.

It sounds like you are spending way too much time focusing on your insecurities and not enough time thinking about actually getting to know people. I like the advice the person a few posts ago gave - ask questions, and then really listen to what the person is saying. Try to block your mind of all these "what ifs". The conversation should come easier if you just allow yourself to have a one on one conversation with someone, even if that person is a total stranger. Do you have the same worries talking to people you know well, like your husband or children? If not, then try to pretend like you are talking to them. Don't worry about appearing shy. That actually is an endearing quality. Coming off shy is o.k., what you don't want to do is appear stand-offish or aloof. Good luck!

 

[lovin'fl]

Sounds like you have Social Anxiety.

The best tip I can give you about conversing at a party...

BE A GOOD LISTENER. I'm serious. People love to talk about themselves. Come up with an appropriate but vague question... So what are your kids up to these days? How was your vacation? You always make the best _______, have you always been good at ______? How have you been since your Mother's passing?

And then, listen, really listen. If you are truly listening, it serves two purposes -
1) It will help to keep you from focusing on your own insecurities in social situations.
2) If you are truly engaged in what they are saying, the conversation may naturally flow more freely.

I hated parties when I was younger because I was very shy and didn't know what to say to people. But as I got older and my husband and I were asked to more parties, a lot of times through his work (people I didn't know) I learned to make small talk. The best advice I ever got and give to you is find the one person in the room who likes to talk and ask them a bunch of questions. You could go all night with that one person! Most people do like to talk about themselves. Ask about their work, their hobbies, their children, whatever situation fits, and then just politely nod your head and say yes and no when appropriate. Works like a charm!

Great advice! I will use it.

 

[descovy]

I hate being the +1 and employee parties.

I don't know anyone there. These people I only see once a year (dh's company) Since we spouses don't know each other or have nothing in common, we are stuck with awkward "small talk." I swear, how many times do people have to ask "where are your kids?" Yeah, we're in a hotel ballroom, at 9pm, where do you think they are???

I do find it a nice gesture that dh's company hands out drink tickets. The employee gets 2, the +1 gets 3

 

[Rylee]

I posted earlier but wanted to add -

I don't enjoy going to parties, either. I'm definitely not shy and don't feel socially awkward, I'm just not interested.

I enjoyed parties when I was younger but as I've aged, I've changed. I think, for me, it comes down to "time." There's never enough of it. We are always so busy and have very little free time. I can't relax and enjoy myself when there's so many other things I should be doing. Throw in what I'd rather be doing, and I really start to resent "social obligations."

 

[kolohe_lady]

I can relate. Although I enjoy being around people, I'm not very good at interacting, especially with lots of people around that I don't know. When I was younger, I was always afraid people would think I was weird because I'm shy and awkward. Then I realized, most people don't really care that much. At any social scene, the talkers will find each other, and we wall-flower types will pick our spots (mine is usually keeping the food company ) and observe. And that's perfecly ok. Another advantage at stationing myself by the food is that instead of feeling like I should find someone to talk to, people will pretty much come to me. We can have a nice, friendly, short conversation while they pick out some grub, then they go on their merry way.

My fiancee is totally opposite, he makes it a point to chat with everyone in the room, especially people he hasn't met before. It comes easily to him, he enjoys it, and he's welcome to it. I'm perfectly happy holding this piece of floor down, thank you very much. It took him a while to realize I'm not the social butterfly he is, although I will tag along and meet some new people with him at least once or twice per party. But yeah, trying to make too much small talk with strangers can be overwhelming and exhausting for my introverted self

 

[DeltaDiamond001]

I like parties with friends, but I loathe parties with family.

Put a half-German, half-Italian family in a room... It's not pretty.

 

[lizabu]

I'm in the same position. I can't stand parties. Especially when I don't know most of the people there. Sometimes for work you have to go. I try to do some of the things mentioned before. Ask a lot of questions. I will try to prepare myself a little bit by reading a newspaper or watching the local news so I have some topics I can draw upon if I need a conversation starter. You know things like "Did you hear about the new such and such they're building?" All you need is to get the topic started and the talkers will pick it up and go.

 

[MerMom60_94]

I am much more inclined to intimate gatherings with a few close friends than I am to parties. I find parties somewhat awkward. I am inclined to be very introverted and quiet and like my alone time and being in a big room full of people with many conversations going on just drains me. If I am with just a few people I feel close to I can let my hair down much easier.

 

[mrsklamc]

I'm an ambivert, meaning my introvert/extrovert characteristics are pretty evenly balanced. But being married to my wonderful, introverted husband has really opened my eyes to how our society is totally geared around extroversion and undervalues introverts. Here are a couple of my favorite resources about introversion:

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/302696/

and the book "Quiet" by Susan Cain. She also has a TED talk here:

http://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts.html

 

[Mickeyrella]

I am much more inclined to intimate gatherings with a few close friends than I am to parties. I find parties somewhat awkward. I am inclined to be very introverted and quiet and like my alone time and being in a big room full of people with many conversations going on just drains me. If I am with just a few people I feel close to I can let my hair down much easier.

This is exactly how I feel plus I am always worried of what people might think of me. There are parties that I go to, but only parties of people I know well. I used to go to millions of parties when I was a teen but I much rather go have a quite dinner or go to the movies than go to big parties.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Thank you for the ideas, Reddy. I'll be sure to try to come up with a few conversation starters beforehand to prepare.

See, here's the frustrating thing: I've always been the 'smart one'. I made good grades in school with little to no effort and now I do well and am respected in my career. I was never good in sports, never talented, pretty, or popular, but I was smart - that's always been my thing. It frustrates me to no end that try as I might I cannot solve this problem intellectually. Or, I should say, right now I'm frustrated because I have to go to a party tomorrow. After it's over I'll breath a sigh of relief and go right back to being my happy, introverted self. I've long since accepted this about myself and have stopped trying to change. At least until the next 'command performance' rears its ugly head.

I used to hate going to parties. I am shy, so making small talk was difficult. Knowing what to say and when to say it was an issue. The anxiety I had when socializing was such a problem that I started self-medicating. You could give me a vicodin and half an hour later, I was good to go! One thing let to another and 4 years ago I ended up in recovery. Let me tell you--having to go to meetings and other events, socialize, and do it stone-cold sober was quite a shock! I was fine when I was still relapsing....I could go to sober events high but after that stopped, I was left with myself. It has actually been the best thing ever. I still get a bit anxious before going to some events. I have a Halloween party I might go to tonight and I know maybe 1 person who will be going, besides my partner.

The key for me now is to not over-think situations. Instead of thinking about how awful it will be, I try not to think at all about it. Like you, I try to intellectualize everything, but when dealing with our emotions and personalities, it's hard to reason our way out of things.

Even though I am shy, I am an extrovert. After hanging with other people I am revitalized. I love my time alone, also, but really need human contact. One suggestion that's helped me the last few years is to remember that I am not the center of attention. The tendency when walking into the room at a party is to think that everyone will be looking at me, I will do something to embarrass myself, I will say something stupid, etc, etc. The reality is that most everyone else is not looking at me under a microscope, but instead they are thinking about themselves, how they look, and worried they will say something stupid.

When I am in a situation where I feel somewhat out of place, I try to spot someone else in the room who looks uncomfortable and approach and talk with them. Odds are I am helping them while I help myself. The other thing I do is to find something to do so I can stay busy and have a purpose. I will ask the host how I can help out or simply keep watch for something I can jump in and help with.

Sometimes I go somewhere and it isn't a positive experience, but I live through those times. Shyness won't kill me. More often than not, however, I end up either enjoying the event or figuring out something beneficial that happened. Might be catching up with an old friend, making a new one, hearing a great conversation, even if I didn't take part in it, etc. One goal I have whenever I am going somewhere is to spot something remarkable. When I'm driving it might be a cloud formation or a hawk in a tree. When at a party, I do the same thing, even though I have yet to see the hawk in a tree at any party. Look for the good and positive and you are likely to find it. And know that the event won't last forever.

 

[eliza61]

The reason why I ask is many have written of "hate making small talk".

Most of the parties I attend are thrown by very good friends and are usually small (6 to 8 people) so I'm not in a situation where I'm making "small" talk. These folks know me, they know about my kids, family, work etc so while I do understand the concept of small talk, I think of it as something strangers really do to pass the time.

So are most of the "parties" you get invited to situations where you don't know anyone or the majority of people?

I had a graduation party for my son, my family came, once again there was no "small" talk as my sister pretty much walks in on me while I'm showering so not a lot of discomfit there?

Outside of the occasional work related function, I really don't get invited to a lot of parties where I have to make small talk, usually the ones we go to are small parties with friends.

Are you guys also uncomfortable in those situations?

 

[kolohe_lady]

The reason why I ask is many have written of "hate making small talk".

Most of the parties I attend are thrown by very good friends and are usually small (6 to 8 people) so I'm not in a situation where I'm making "small" talk. These folks know me, they know about my kids, family, work etc so while I do understand the concept of small talk, I think of it as something strangers really do to pass the time.

So are most of the "parties" you get invited to situations where you don't know anyone or the majority of people?

I had a graduation party for my son, my family came, once again there was no "small" talk as my sister pretty much walks in on me while I'm showering so not a lot of discomfit there?

Outside of the occasional work related function, I really don't get invited to a lot of parties where I have to make small talk, usually the ones we go to are small parties with friends.

Are you guys also uncomfortable in those situations?

Can't speak for everyone, but for me a small gathering of family (well, I come from a large family, so our gatherings aren't exactly small) or close friends is no big deal. It's much easier to have a conversation if I know everyone, their job, what's going on with their family and mutual friends. Plenty to talk about in those cases, ususally.

Where I have trouble is in meeting new people at large parties where I only know a handful of people. ( A couple of which I'll be attending tonight.) The initial "Hello, I'm Me, and you are?" is easy enough. After that I'm often at a loss how long I should keep the conversation going, or which direction to take it. Maybe it's because I always assume the other person is already bored and waiting to politely escape. It's the worst for me at parties thrown by Fiance's cousin (Fiance is an only child, so he's pretty tight with his cousins) who is married to a very sweet girl, who happens to be a model. And therefore many of her friends are also models. They're perfectly lovely people and always very nice to me, but I have my own self-image issues. Being in a room full of women who make a living by being gorgeous and vivacious only heightens my feelings of being gawky and awkward, and kinda makes me wanna find the nearest closet to hide in

 

[mrsklamc]

Introverts don't necessarily have anxiety- they just...don't 'get' socializing en masse. They'd love to have an in depth, intellectual conversation with one person....but they don't understand an extrovert's desire to make small talk.

 

[baldy6060]

I suppose all of this banter explains why we are socializing ONLINE. It definitely makes me feel more comfortable being able to think, process and edit my comments. And it's nice knowing there are plenty of other "freaks" out there because, let's face it, we'll never meet in person! We're all too shy! I will point out a few things that have helped me in social settings when I HAD to attend. 1-I worked at a busy gas station for 14 years. The first couple were rough. I honed my skills but it did make me want to never frequent any of the businesses outside of work for fear of having to interact with my customers from the other side of the counter. 2-I always try to find the kids in a social setting. Preferably my own but any will do. They don't expect as much from you intellectually. 3-It's hard but try not to be so conscious of your social inabilities. It's like thinking about walking, breathing or blinking. It'll mess you up. 4-Just remind yourself "it could be worse. I could be in jail, court, a funeral, my OWN funeral!" 5-I'm still awkward but I like me. My wife likes me. OK, now I sound like Del from Planes, Trains & Automobiles, but it's true. I'm an awkward but decent guy and as long as I like me and my immediate family likes me (more or less. My kids are teens so...) that's all that really matters.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

I don't mind parties when they are fun.

But the last 2 I've been at have had alot of complaining and alot of bragging going on. It doesn't help that my husband wants to spend hours and hours and I'm ready to go after an hour and a half.

I've got one tonight I have to go to since I RSPV'd that we'd be there but I'm having a hard time getting psyched up for it.

Our DD13 will be with us at this one so at least I know I'll be able to get my husband to leave at a decent time.