Anybody want to admit their marriage is not all roses and rainbows?

[dizluvah]

I was talking to a friend the other day and we were discussing marriage. It got me thinking are there really any "happy" marriages or do they all stink and people just make them look good?

I will admit, I wish mine was a boatload better. I've come to the conclusion mine is based on things that aren't really "family friendly". I'd love it to be more, but I can't convince the other to work with me.
Anyhow, feel free to share if you want.

Very recently I posted on Dis about my strained marriage and got some good advice (as well as some scolding) that DH and I have begun to implement. We don't believe in divorce so that is/was never on the table for us - but I can certainly admit we have hit a rough patch since the birth of our fabulous daughter.

I definitely believe few people talk about how difficult marriage is - it is HARD (and we love each other) I can't imagine how difficult it would be if we weren't with the right person....

 

[mickeyboat]

I'll bite. My marriage is in rough shape right now. I actually posted about it under an assumed name a while ago.

Does your DH HAVE to work that much to support your family? Have you guys had a relaxing vacation lately?

DH is a self-employed carpenter, and if I didn't work, he would have to work 24/7 to support us. He also had to really evaluate how much work he could handle and still be able to function as my DH and as a father. He still gets really busy and stressed in the summer, but our annual vacation is at the end of the summer where we look forward to a chance to reconnect as a family and as a couple.

I hope things work out for you.

 

[Christine]

But he is the most disengaged man I've ever met. He mostly just wants to be left alone.

He's painfully introverted and none too social. He was never chatty, even in the beginning, and I think that dealing with people all day just wears him out.


My parents divorced when I was two and it was really, really bad. I don't want to put my family through that. It's starting to NOT be enough though. I don't need a roommate. If I wanted a roommate, I'd live with my mother, who would not only split the rent but also watch my kids and mop my floors everyday. I could live another 50 years. Can I live another 50 years without affection? I don't know.

I just wanted to comment on a few things. A good friend of mine is married to the most introverted person I think I've ever met. She knew he was always that way but it was MUCH different when he was younger and it wasn't quite so bad. As time has worn on, it is much worse and she's really unhappy. The problem is, you can recognize that he's an introvert and they really DO need time to decompress and be alone, but you can't change that. Severely introverted people are very hard to live with. *THEY* need to be able to recognize that and try to put forward some semblence of contact within their family. Too often people (my friend) let them get away with to "keep the peace" but long-term, I can personally tell you, it really will get much, much worse. She feels that she has wasted most of her life now.

As for divorce, I'm not as *down* on it as many people are. While I've witnessed some very messy divorces, I've seen a good number that were sorted out amicably.

My own parents separated when I was 2 years old and divorced when I was f4 and I can't say that it really had any detrimental effect on my. The only bad part for me was that my father didn't come around much and, eventually, I never saw him again. That sort of makes me feel like I have unfinished business in my life; however, I am confident that my mom made the right decision to leave him, despite me loving him, and it was all handled well.

 

[Lucky4me]

Second marriage for both dh and I. I think we both learned a lot of lessons in our first marriages. Our 'practice' marriages.

We've been together seventeen years and while we went through a few rocky patches (to put it mildly, lol) early on, now it's mostly rainbows and sunshine. Our marriage was very good before he was diagnosed with brain cancer three years ago. Going through that together has made it even better. We became kinder and gentler with each other. We realized that this isn't going to last forever and we better do what needs to be done and say what needs to be said now, not later. As much as I hate cancer, I am thankful for what it's done for our relationship. We're just on a deeper level now and it's a very good place to be.

I am so sorry to read about people's marital problems. It's not an easy decision to leave and it's not an easy thing to stay either. Life is hard work.
I hope everyone comes to a place of peace and acceptance no matter what path they choose.

 

[bumblebee]

To both you and the poster above, I would not meant staying your marriage for the sake of the kids.

Trying to make a marriage work: can be beneficial for kids, since you might be able to model a healthy relationship and provide a stable home.

Staying in a bad marriage: bad for kids. If you don't want your children to have the marriage you have, get out. You learn what you see. If you don't want your DD to be treated the way you are treated, leave. Show her she is worth more because you value yourself enough to not be treated that way. If you don't want your DS to treat their partner the way your H treats you, get out. Staying teaches them that the behavior is ok.

As you may guess, I grew up in a house where my parents stayed together for the kids. It was a cop out and a way for them not to take responsibility for their own actions. I grew up knowing I was to "blame" for the fact they weren't happy.

 

[disney1990]

Over the years, we had some rough spots -- especially when the girls were little. But, we pushed through those years. Now the girls are on their own, and we are happily married 99.9% of the time.

My DH is my best friend.

 

[E-P-C-O-T]

I'll bite. My marriage is in rough shape right now. I actually posted about it under an assumed name a while ago.

I've been with my husband for 11 years, married for almost 8 years. We have two young daughters. My husband has changed completely from when we first got together. He was so loving and kind. Everyone who met him commented on how much he loved me. He used to tell me about the unhappy home he grew up in and say "I'm never going to be like my father. I'm going to be loving and supportive, a great husband and dad. My family will always be so important to me."

Um, no. He works at least 28 days out of the month, and at an incredibly stressful job. He comes home and spends at least 3 hours a day on the computer, playing video games or watching videos on YouTube. He has minimal interest in the kids, talking to them for maybe 5-10 minutes a day. He has even less interest in me. He doesn't want to talk to me, touch me, nothing. He's pleasant. We don't fight, ever. We exchange relevant details about the kids, the finances, etc. But he is the most disengaged man I've ever met. He mostly just wants to be left alone.

I know he's not cheating. I thought he might be but I put a lot of time, money, and effort on the line to find out that he really DOES just work that much and play that many solo video games.

It's multi-factorial, I think. He's painfully introverted and none too social. He was never chatty, even in the beginning, and I think that dealing with people all day just wears him out. Also, the patterns he learned from his parent's marriage are a lot more entrenched than I knew. His cultural expectations for marriage are very 1950s. He doesn't know any other way to relate. He actually told me that he thinks our marriage is fine. "We never fight. No one's cheating. I don't hit the kids. We work together to keep the family afloat. It's fine!" He refuses to get counseling.

My parents divorced when I was two and it was really, really bad. I don't want to put my family through that. I thought it would be enough for me to work on myself; seeing a counselor, working out, trying to be grateful for healthy kids and a steady income. It's starting to NOT be enough though. I don't need a roommate. If I wanted a roommate, I'd live with my mother, who would not only split the rent but also watch my kids and mop my floors everyday. I could live another 50 years. Can I live another 50 years without affection? I don't know.

The problem is......I still love him so much. Being a good wife is important to me. I encourage him to pursue his hobbies (karate, mostly) to relieve his stress. I'm a good cook. I'm unfailingly supportive. All I really need is for him to ask me about my day and maybe kiss me every once in a while. I could stretch it out and make it work. If I ask, he makes an attempt to meet my needs, at least until the next run of double shifts comes around. I don't have an answer. But right now, I feel somewhat unlovable.


I'm sure I'll regret putting this out there but I know there has to be one or two people out there going through the same thing, and maybe this will help them not feel so alone.

Your Dh sounds like my DH's uncle. He was a pediatrician, had 7 kids, lived in a multimillion house and provided them with the best of everything. Best education, best cars, credit cards, money was never an issue, but, he was emotionallly unavailable to his kids and his wife. He would go to his office at 6am everyday, come home at five, have dinner alone (his request) and hide in the bedroom to read until bedtime. Everyday, except Sundays, when he spent all day reading in his bedroom. I was with my DH 11 years when he died and I never met him. He never went out, not for social functions, weddings, birthdays or family gatherings. He would send his wife and stay home. His own kids don't like to talk about him, they really didn't know their dad. After he passed away, his wife has become a social butterfly, she takes her grandkids to Disney twice a year, goes on cruises and vacations every couple of months. She seems soooo happy now, she hid under a shell for so many years to be that perfect tolerant wife.

It makes you think, doesn't it? You could be that perfect, tolerant wife for many years to come. Why not? That's what you've been doing, but, are you ignoring your happiness to do so? Is that ok? My counselor once told me that physical abuse is not he only kind of abuse, emotional abuse is a lot worse, since, it's silent and instead of hurting your body, it hurts your heart....

Sending you lots of

 

[IdesOmarch]

Enlighten the rest of us. Not sure what you mean?

I'll just say this and it is not directed at you per se but to all the women on here that posted similar threads, if you can, get out now. If that is not possible, start planning your getaways, start putting money aside, start looking for a job. Put on a cute outfit start going out and looking for a better man. Doesn't sound like that would be very hard to do considering how horrible sounding some of your husbands are. You all deserve to be happy. Why stay and be miserable? I mean if you've reached the point to where you can't stand the sight of your husband move on now or start making preparations to move on in the near future.

 

[rodeo65]

I'll just say this and it is not directed at you per se but to all the women on here that posted similar threads, if you can, get out now. If that is not possible, start planning your getaways, start putting money aside, start looking for a job. Put on a cute outfit start going out and looking for a better man. Doesn't sound like that would be very hard to do considering how horrible sounding some of your husbands are. You all deserve to be happy. Why stay and be miserable? I mean if you've reached the point to where you can't stand the sight of your husband move on now or start making preparations to move on in the near future.

I dunno if I were looking to leave a bad relationship, this would be the LAST thing I'd be thinking about. How about planning getaways, putting money aside, looking for a job (if without one) and move on to be happy with themselves first? Then maybe consider letting a man who is worthy into their and their children's life? That'd be my approach anyway not immediately leaping to look for a replacement.

I do have a friend that took this road. It's now three years later and she is desperate to get out realizing that she just jumped right on into that fire and now is common law with someone she is not at all happy with but has allowed into her daughter's life which has really muddied the waters.

 

[ols386]

The worst thing one can do is to go from being married or in any kind of long-term relationship, and then jump right into another relationship.

Even if the previous marriage/relationship has been bad for awhile, you have to let yourself heal emotionally. If you don't, whatever baggage you had from the previous relationship, you will take right along with you to the next.

Not saying that we don't carry ANY baggage with us into another relationship, because I think we do, but to carry ALL the baggage into a new relationship, is not a good situation. It's a recipe for disaster!

 

[zinnea]

Posting under a new name but I am not a new poster. I am happy, content, warm and fuzzy, in all but one area. My DH isn't as into the thing most men say they are and I am very much interested. I love him and I treasure him and I am overlooking this right now (for the past year or two) but still hoping for a return to the intimacy of before.

Hard to turn off a part of yourself, and it's a huge part of who I am. My DH knows how I feel, but I don't want him hurt reading that I posted about it here. Maybe it's time for me to grow up and accept it or, grow up and figure out what to do about it.

OP, sorry you are having such a rough time.

 

[ols386]

I dunno if I were looking to leave a bad relationship, this would be the LAST thing I'd be thinking about. How about planning getaways, putting money aside, looking for a job (if without one) and move on to be happy with themselves first? Then maybe consider letting a man who is worthy into their and their children's life? That'd be my approach anyway not immediately leaping to look for a replacement.

I do have a friend that took this road. It's now three years later and she is desperate to get out realizing that she just jumped right on into that fire and now is common law with someone she is not at all happy with but has allowed into her daughter's life which has really muddied the waters.

 

[ols386]

Posting under a new name but I am not a new poster. I am happy, content, warm and fuzzy, in all but one area. My DH isn't as into the thing most men say they are and I am very much interested. I love him and I treasure him and I am overlooking this right now (for the past year or two) but still hoping for a return to the intimacy of before.

Hard to turn off a part of yourself, and it's a huge part of who I am. My DH knows how I feel, but I don't want him hurt reading that I posted about it here. Maybe it's time for me to grow up and accept it or, grow up and figure out what to do about it.

OP, sorry you are having such a rough time.

Sorry you're having a difficult time.

 

[zinnea]

.

 

[Robindianne]

I'll bite. I'll admit that having a baby has taken more of a toll on our marriage than I would have thought, and it's mostly all me. I'm a SAHM and I feel like after spending all day chasing after, feeding (I breastfeed and DS is still absolutely obsessed with it, even at 8 months), snuggling, talking to, playing with, etc. the baby, I just have no energy left for DH. I feel bad because he still puts in the effort - he hugs and kisses me, and tries his best to keep our marriage like it was before DS was born, but I just pull away and want my "me" time. Sometimes when DH hugs me or tries to cuddle, my skin just absolutely crawls... I'm just "touched out" by the time DH gets home from work and DS goes to bed.

I have hope that it will get better, but I will admit that it bothers DH more than it bothers me. I want to put in the effort for him... but it would be for him, not for me.

I felt the same way! One thing that helped me was to greet him at the door with the baby and do a hand off. Evenings, other than the nursing, he was more the baby holder, which he loved anyway. Another thing that helped is during the night when I nursed, that was all I did. I mean, he got up with the baby, changed him, handing him to me to nurse, burped him, and put him back to sleep. This way my skin wasn't so overloaded with sensation. Win/win. We both shared in the pleasure of closeness with the baby, both got time w/out the baby, and both got skin time together if you know what I mean. It truly does get better.

 

[zinnea]

I think alot of these issues boil down to the fact that a lot of women do not feel sex is important, whereas men are just the opposite.

In DH and my case, we are the opposite of this. Sex is hugely important to me. Huge. So now what? I think there are some men who feel whew, I don't have to perform (or want to) anymore, just as there are some women. I just don't fit the mold of the "typical" woman in that area.



I have to trust that my love for him and my desire to grow old together will help me get pushier (in a kind way?) about it.

 

[IdesOmarch]

In DH and my case, we are the opposite of this. Sex is hugely important to me. Huge. So now what? I think there are some men who feel whew, I don't have to perform (or want to) anymore, just as there are some women. I just don't fit the mold of the "typical" woman in that area.



I have to trust that my love for him and my desire to grow old together will help me get pushier (in a kind way?) about it.

Check your PMs.

 

[zinnea]

Sorry you're having a difficult time.

Thanks. It's OK. I have a job I love love love, pets and grown DS and DIL I love, my disney loving husband who I truly adore. Nothing in life is perfect - think how boring that would be (well, OK, after the whole bliss thing got tiring hee hee). It gives us something to work on and in the whole scheme of things, it small.

I still feel so glad I found my DH and we are compatable (sp?) in every aspect of our lives, except for the whole frequency thing. I've never been married before but he has. I was older (30 when we met) but much younger than him and there's that whole female hitting your stride thing to consider.

I'm sorry for others here having a rough time too. It really does seem that communication and responsiveness are the keys to it all.

I'm going to try bribes. Baking a pie for him, hee hee.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I'll just say this and it is not directed at you per se but to all the women on here that posted similar threads, if you can, get out now. If that is not possible, start planning your getaways, start putting money aside, start looking for a job. Put on a cute outfit start going out and looking for a better man. Doesn't sound like that would be very hard to do considering how horrible sounding some of your husbands are. You all deserve to be happy. Why stay and be miserable? I mean if you've reached the point to where you can't stand the sight of your husband move on now or start making preparations to move on in the near future.

I agree with everything, except the "cute outfit going out looking for a better man." I have no intention, when all is said and done, of ever dating at all, if ever. I'm emotionally done and drained and would be perfectly happy spending the rest of my life alone. Lord knows I've spent the past 15 years or so alone, what would be any different? I honestly don't think I could ever trust anyone else. It's not about finding happiness from other people, but rather finding happiness from within myself. I have no doubt that I am a good, kind, loving, nurturing person, so I have not let his behavior define me. I'd really rather just be alone.

 

[krcit]

In DH and my case, we are the opposite of this. Sex is hugely important to me. Huge. So now what? I think there are some men who feel whew, I don't have to perform (or want to) anymore, just as there are some women. I just don't fit the mold of the "typical" woman in that area.



I have to trust that my love for him and my desire to grow old together will help me get pushier (in a kind way?) about it.

Talk about it now. Do not let it go on any longer. It will NOT get better on it's own, trust me. Communicate. Don't let this fester and destroy your self-esteem, because it will. I wish you luck Don't forget that you deserve to be happy and satisfied(in all ways) in your marriage.