Any tips on getting a kid to care about school?

[golfgal]

Know anyone with a business that does dirty work? Send him out to do manual labor for a week and then see how he feels about school.

Or, do it yourself at home - get his rear up out of bed at 5am, dress him in coveralls - have him dig yourself a garden for 8 - 10 hours for five days straight. What ever work he does it should be physical and grunt work.


This would be my husband's solution as he said that until he realized he was going nowhere fast, he didn't understand the importance of school.

I have thought about doing something like this. I don't know anyone that has a business like this though and if I did, I would be afraid that I would offend the business owner trying to show my kid that is all he is going to be able to do with his life if he doesn't do well in school. I would love to put him on an assembly line for a day and see what he thinks though. He needs more stimulation than that and will bored to tears in an hour but I don't know if that message will sink in or not, I doubt it will actually. We have some friends that own several gas stations in town, maybe a day or two of mopping the floors will get the point across. I will have to give them a call.

 

[Puffy2]

Yes, the gas station idea is perfect - but make sure they give him the grunt jobs...and stay on him all day long (no sitting down to read magazines, etc...).

I've had to talk with my younger child - who likes to goof off quite a bit - about thier lack of work ethic. I gave them two examples in their cousins - both the same age.

One finished college, worked his way through grad school, now owns his own home, car, has a wife and a 65,000 $ a year job. His sister, fooled around "cause it was boring..." , got into tons of trouble over the years (arrested, evicted, fired from the lousey jobs she was able to get) - now she's on probation, jobless, homeless.

So I asked my kid: which would you rather be? Successful Cousin A, or Looser Cousin B? It made a difference.
Good luck.

 

[RitaZ.]

I just wanted to say that I'm glad that this is being discussed. I think many parents go through this with their children, but rarely want to disclose it.

We are going through this with our oldest, almost 14. I don't get it and it's honestly beyond my comprehension. He is a great kid, his teachers think so too, but the one word that I can use to describe his feelings toward school work is apathy.

Education is very important in our family, yet DS seems to think everything will work out in the end with little effort, if any, from him. He plans to go away to college. I've told him that if he doesn't take his grades and school work seriously, then how can he expect colleges to take him seriously? He doesn't like it when I say that, he says that I like to make him feel bad. I'm not trying to do that, I feel that he needs to hear the truth.

Right now, I don't know any parent with kids in this age group that isn't going through some form/degree of this non-sense. I don't know if there is a solution, but I feel like a magician with a useless "bag of tricks", nothing seems to work for long. DS has the passive-aggressive thing down pat, it drives me batty!!!!!!!!!!

DH is confident that in the end and with our help, DS will do fine. I really hope so.

 

[KelNottAt]

Grounding is not really a punishment for some kids. (That would include mine.)

Here is what I did.....this was 7th grade for my dd.

Drove dd to school. (She rode the bus and that killed her...one of her buttons)

Picked dd up after school. Went inside, locker check, backpack check. Would pop in to say hi to teachers and friends.

Also did a couple of teacher conferences to double check what is going on???

Came home, sat down and went through everything with a FINE TOOTH COMB...everyday. She would sit in the kitchen and would do her homework. Her homework would be checked it before she was "free" for the day.

This was instituted until her next grades came in. After an entire quarter of this as we were closing in on the end, my dd turns to me and says.....
"Mom I promise I will do my work and turn it in on time and do my best to make good grades but I am asking you to back out and trust me."

We made a pact and that was that....She is now a High School Freshman and made straight A's.

Let me tell you that it was as much work for me as it was for her but I taught her how to study, how to organize, etc....

This is exactly how we handled it when my DS was in 7th grade last year. It IS a lot of work the parent, but it was effective for us inconjunction with super strict grounding: no "play dates," no sleep overs, no theatre movies, no sock hops, nothing that needs batteries or electricity for an entire marking period.

When he got his first good interim, he earned one thing that had been revoked. When the report card was good, he earned another. Good interim = reward. Good report card = reward...this went on all year long. He had all A's and 1 B from the 3rd interim through the 4th report card.

Now, in 8th grade, he requires no supervision and still gets all mostly A's, and an occassional B.

My heart goes out to you. IMO, reversing lazy behavior (as in my son's case) is one of the most frustrating chores a parent has. Good luck.

 

[barkley]

interesting topic-my dd (5th grade) has a classmate whose parents are having the exact opposite problem. their dd is the poster child for "type a" personality. the kid is obsessed with handing assignments in early, must be absolutly perfect, "failure is not an option". they have gone so far as to seek medical and psychological advice (she is not ocd-just the way the kid operates). kid had a major "melt down" (crying hystericaly) at a recent class christmas party-all the kids were given graham crakers, frosting and candies to make a "gingerbread house" to eat. this little girl's house would have made martha stewart proud-but it did'nt meat to her exacting standards of perfection so she just lost it sobbing "but it's not the way i want it to be"

they've enlisted the help of the teacher and mandated that the kid cannot do more than the teacher assigns (she would turn in 10 pages of essay if the teacher assigned 5), cannot get ahead in workbooks, must do what the teacher assigns (not go "the extra 10 miles").

they are sick about this, the kid is not bored in class she just has this mindset of how her school work should be done (and at home her room is every bit as messy as a normal 5th graders-does not obsess about anything that does'nt result in a "grade".

so i'm happy to fall inbetween-have to kick dd's tush to get some work done, have to tell her to focus on doing her best work (and not worry how it will compare to someone elses)...


on the subject of having a kid do some "grunt work"-we had a recent peice on the local news: a mom was having problems with her 14 year old cutting school and not doing any school work. after repeated consequences failed to get a responce from him she sat him down and discussed what his future employment options were given his lack of education. that weekend she and several family members took him to a local intersection that usualy has "sign bouncers" (the ones that point to new housing developments). the kid had to bounce a sign for several hours which read "i like to skip school so my mom is giving me on the job training for one of my future career options" a followup story said the kid had done a major shift in attitude and behaviour.

 

[golfgal]

I just wanted to say that I'm glad that this is being discussed. I think many parents go through this with their children, but rarely want to disclose it.

We are going through this with our oldest, almost 14. I don't get it and it's honestly beyond my comprehension. He is a great kid, his teachers think so too, but the one word that I can use to describe his feelings toward school work is apathy.

Education is very important in our family, yet DS seems to think everything will work out in the end with little effort, if any, from him. He plans to go away to college. I've told him that if he doesn't take his grades and school work seriously, then how can he expect colleges to take him seriously? He doesn't like it when I say that, he says that I like to make him feel bad. I'm not trying to do that, I feel that he needs to hear the truth.

Right now, I don't know any parent with kids in this age group that isn't going through some form/degree of this non-sense. I don't know if there is a solution, but I feel like a magician with a useless "bag of tricks", nothing seems to work for long. DS has the passive-aggressive thing down pat, it drives me batty!!!!!!!!!!

DH is confident that in the end and with our help, DS will do fine. I really hope so.

EXACTLY!!!! DS wants to work at NASA, great, I could maybe get a behind the scenes tour then but NASA is going to LAUGH at his application if this keeps up. I did bribe him yesterday, told him that if he gets all A's 3rd and 4th quarter I will buy him an XBox 360. I figure, first, it's not going to happen, and 2nd if it DOES happen I will be so happy I won't care about buying it and he can play the thing all summer until his fingers rot for all I care.

 

[Mishetta]

EXACTLY!!!! DS wants to work at NASA, great, I could maybe get a behind the scenes tour then but NASA is going to LAUGH at his application if this keeps up. I did bribe him yesterday, told him that if he gets all A's 3rd and 4th quarter I will buy him an XBox 360. I figure, first, it's not going to happen, and 2nd if it DOES happen I will be so happy I won't care about buying it and he can play the thing all summer until his fingers rot for all I care.

We are trying the same approach only a little backwards. My DS wanted the PSP sooooooo bad, that since he's never had any of the newer video game thingy's, we got him that for Christmas (with only 1 game). We figured that we can use it as a weapon...."if you don't do well this marking period, you lose your PSP until the next marking period." Suddenly his papers are coming home with A's & A+'s! Of course, we're really putting pressure on him since we have the opportunity to go on a Disney Cruise with some wonderful friends & we've told him that we're just not going if his grades are suffering (because we'd be taking him out of school for a week). We really won't go if he brings home any C's (because we know what he's capable of.) Oh....I can just see the flames headed my way if anyone reads my post here!! YIKES!!

Well, I know my DS & I know that he can get an A without much effort at all (I was never like that.) He's just lazy. Also, he only currently gets weekend visitations with his PSP.

 

[Mishetta]

interesting topic-my dd (5th grade) has a classmate whose parents are having the exact opposite problem. their dd is the poster child for "type a" personality. the kid is obsessed with handing assignments in early, must be absolutly perfect, "failure is not an option". they have gone so far as to seek medical and psychological advice (she is not ocd-just the way the kid operates). kid had a major "melt down" (crying hystericaly) at a recent class christmas party-all the kids were given graham crakers, frosting and candies to make a "gingerbread house" to eat. this little girl's house would have made martha stewart proud-but it did'nt meat to her exacting standards of perfection so she just lost it sobbing "but it's not the way i want it to be"

they've enlisted the help of the teacher and mandated that the kid cannot do more than the teacher assigns (she would turn in 10 pages of essay if the teacher assigned 5), cannot get ahead in workbooks, must do what the teacher assigns (not go "the extra 10 miles").

they are sick about this, the kid is not bored in class she just has this mindset of how her school work should be done (and at home her room is every bit as messy as a normal 5th graders-does not obsess about anything that does'nt result in a "grade".

so i'm happy to fall inbetween-have to kick dd's tush to get some work done, have to tell her to focus on doing her best work (and not worry how it will compare to someone elses)...


on the subject of having a kid do some "grunt work"-we had a recent peice on the local news: a mom was having problems with her 14 year old cutting school and not doing any school work. after repeated consequences failed to get a responce from him she sat him down and discussed what his future employment options were given his lack of education. that weekend she and several family members took him to a local intersection that usualy has "sign bouncers" (the ones that point to new housing developments). the kid had to bounce a sign for several hours which read "i like to skip school so my mom is giving me on the job training for one of my future career options" a followup story said the kid had done a major shift in attitude and behaviour.

Oh dear Lord, I pray I never have to resort to anything like that but it was quite an eye opener for her child, wasn't it? With today's world being so competitive, each student has to work so much harder than say when I went to school. It's very sad but it's the way the world is today.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

EXACTLY!!!! DS wants to work at NASA, great, I could maybe get a behind the scenes tour then but NASA is going to LAUGH at his application if this keeps up. I did bribe him yesterday, told him that if he gets all A's 3rd and 4th quarter I will buy him an XBox 360. I figure, first, it's not going to happen, and 2nd if it DOES happen I will be so happy I won't care about buying it and he can play the thing all summer until his fingers rot for all I care.

Now you are thinking!!!!

Positive reenforcement and REALITY are 2 of the biggest motivators!!!
Get on the internet. Get requirements, college and high school.
Explain GPA's, SAT's, honors AP classes, grades he needs to graduate with, etc....Do your homework!
Not all at once of course...Take trip to NASA, find out how to get him to "see" how hard but rewarding it is to grow up. My dd talked to people in Vet school. They explained how difficult it is to get in. So she is exploring alternative majors to have a back plan.

If he wants to work at NASA he has to really go for it, starting now. Same thing with vets, doctors, etc..Have to be focused.

Good Luck. Times have changed and there is soooo much info. I thank goodness I started looking this stuff up while she was in Middle School.

Just give him enough to get a handle on, age appropriate, so he doesn't freak out.

 

[manchurianbrownbear]

golfgal, I feel your pain!

Our DS15, a 9th grader, has exactly the same problems as your DS.

He does homework and doesn’t turn it in, or doesn’t write his name on it. He’s even taken tests in class and “forgotten” to turn them in! More than once!

We have tried positive motivation; offering rewards for achieving short term goals & long term goals. We've tried “reality discipline”, making him live the “lifestyle” that corresponds with his academic performance. If you perform on the job like you’re performing school, you won’t be able to afford internet, cable TV, PS2, going out with friends, etc…

Nothing has worked! He has no long term goals. Talking to him about colleges and careers is completely fruitless.

He currently attends a private school in Maple Grove and we’ve threatened to take him out of that school; why should we spend thousands of dollars a year for him to goof around with his friends! I don’t think we’re ready to follow through with that threat because we’re really happy with the school, and I don’t think he would be any more motivated at another school.

Our current tactic, which is proving to be as unsuccessful as past tactics, is to require him to sit at table for two hours everyday for “homework time” regardless of how much homework he has. The theory being that maybe since he can’t do anything but school work for those two hours, he might get completed assignments more organized, not rush through his work and maybe even work ahead or do extra credit assignments.

He is a very good kid, so I hate to “punish” him. When he was younger we were thrilled that he was so content, had a great imagination, loved to read, etc… Those great qualities, taken to extremes, are now riving us crazy! If he has lost TV, computer, PS2, he’s grounded, etc… he’s still perfectly happy to sit in the living room and read!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Nothing has worked! He has no long term goals. Talking to him about colleges and careers is completely fruitless.

This is something that I would focus on. Do you think he may suffer from depression? If not, I do not know what I would do in your shoes.
{{HUGS}}

Before I did anything with dd she had a few rounds with counselors and meds. I guess I should have said that.

 

[jamzots]

How is a child not handing in his own work being "pushed through the system"? That's a behavior issue, and not one of a teacher not caring.

These kids need to take some responsibility for themselves by high school. I, as a parent, still care, but I'm not about to hold his hand like I did when he was in first grade. As a teacher, I'll care, but I'm also going to care about my 25 other students who ARE taking responsibility for themselves. (assuming this isn't an LD issue or somesuch) If you were a teacher, wouldn't you rather spend your time helping out the students who truly want and need the help rather than the one who's blatantly disregarding the rules by leaving his homework in his locker or not taking it to school? Should we follow them to college to make sure they're going to class on time and doing all their work there too?

He is being pushed through the system because he has failed Spanish the last 2 years and is failing again this year. I have spoken with his guidance counselor and his principal reagrding this issue. They just blow me off and put him into the next level in Spanish the next year. So now he is in Spanish 3 and he still didn't pass Spanish 1 and 2. I have spoken with the school about having him in a special Spanish class that is for students that have never taken Spanish before, but they won't put him in it, they told me it's ONLY for students that have not taken Spanish before. I mean it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out if a kid fails a subject, you don't put him through to the next level.
Yes, I agree the kids need to take some responsibility for their actions. However, my Son came home from school the other day and told me that he wants to switch schools because the teachers and principal in his school don't care about the kids. He told me that most of his friends feel that way also and they may be switching schools also.
I live in a very prominent school disctrict. We moved here for the school district....but the school is only interested in the kids that are excelling. If you need extra help, forget it, it's your problem.
My son has attention issues. How much time would it take for a teacher to say "Johnny, do you have your homework, because it''s not here." Maybe 5 seconds. Yes, I do expect the teachers to stay on top of him in school just like I have to stay on top of him at home. That's what they are supposed to do. I am NOT at school with him, and I cannot help him there.
My son is immature for his age. I really don't know how he is going to handle High School. That is why I feel like he is just being pushed along.
My son gets tutoring 4 times a week... something I don't feel like I should be paying for, because if he was actually learning the material in school, I wouldn't have to get a tutor.
Trust me this is a very personal issue and it can't be compared to what you do as a teacher. It is the district that is failing my son, by pushing him along.

On another note...... I had a long talk with DS the other day. I printed out all of his grades and all his missing assignments. I told him that we are starting with a clean slate as of today. I told him I won't look at all the past missing assignments, but he is expected to do and hand in all of his work from here on out. I told him he is to do his personal best from now on, he admitted that he is not doing the best he can now.
I told him that if has 1 missing assignment or bad grade (besides Spanish) that I will pick him up from school everyday and we will go over all work together everyday, and he will be grounded on the weekends. Hopefully we will have some good results.

 

[Longsx3]

I am sorry I didn't read all of the posts due to time limitations but I have been substituting in the High School for about 3yrs so I may have a little insight.

My first belief is that if you don't put a stop to this now it will not improve in High School. There are even more distractions in High School. I saw similar behaviors in kids as Freshman and even now as Seniors it continues even when they are in Jeopardy of not graduating.

Secondly it is never to early to show DS what all of the hard work in school is for, take a look at what College Requirements are now and why he has to work so hard. Many students believe if it takes a 2.5 Min. GPA to get into a University that it all they need, when in reality only 10-15% have less than a 3.0. Kids just aren't realistic about the requirements for College and many wait until their Junior or even their Senior yr to even look at the requirements and then it is too late.


Finally if this was my Child and I couldn't get him motivated quickly, I mean like within 3-4 weeks. I would implement some drastic changes...like all the finer things in life would be gone...no stereo, no games, no phone, etc. It would be to school and back...nothing more. I would then have him take a sheet to monitor his daily work habits, I know you mentioned you can check his grades on the computer....but it is so much more effective when his friends get to watch him get his sheet signed, Gradually he earns his treasures back, but I would say he has to be in for compliance for at least a week and then it is not everything at once.

While I only have a 4th grader, homework is very serious in our house and nothing come before it...it has been this way for 4 yrs. So far it is working fine....there is no fight over homework, it is simply the first thing done every afternoon. I hope it stays this way!

 

[Pin Wizard]

I talked to DS's VP a couple weeks ago. She talked about his pulling his grades up the second half of the first semester. Looks like he's chosen the same route again. Report cards come out today. Several of his teachers mention his being inconsistent. He does great and puts in a lot of effort when it's something that interests him. If it doesn't, he doesn't.

Interesting how he has math homework EVERY night but nothing else. I'm now at the point where I say...what else?

I was on the phone with a friend last night who said it will click with DS at some point. With his daughter, she was 14. His son is now 17 and it still hasn't clicked, but he's pulling A's and B's.

 

[disneylizzy]

Wow, I'm glad I read thru this whole thread - I thought I was alone!!

Sorry, OP, no answers, just another frustrated mom with a DS13 in 7th grade. His older brother and sister are in college, so he is well aware of what is required, but is happy just doing the bare minimum. Content to pass in incomplete, messy homework. I am reduced to unscrewing the cable from the TV, taking the controllers for the playstation with me to work and unhooking the modem until I check the homework.

Whoever said "I did 8th grade already" hit the nail on the head. I feel like a bad mom because I'm tired after working all day and coming home to make dinner and drive DS's to hockey practice, CCD, etc. I don't want to have to worry about homework - I just want it done!!!

I know DS won't be recommended for advanced math in 8th grade because of his lack of effort. He is very capable of A's, but has been getting C's.
How do you make them care??? DD would have stayed up all night (and sometimes did) to make sure her work was done. I always wondered if it was a boy thing. Well, thanks for letting me vent. Sometimes being a mom is hard.