Any other working moms feel like your short-changing your family?

[SAHDad]

Last time I checked, there was no law that said men can't choose to be a stay at home parent.

I never said there was - just a strong societal stigma attached to any man who does not hold a "real" job. (This comes from women and men, this notion that being a SAHD is a temporary measure, intended only until you can secure "real" employment. Likewise, bear in mind that many people say a woman is watching her children, but a man is baby-sitting his. )

The original question was "How many working moms feel that they are short-changing their family."

Someone responded with the (possibly) rhetorical question "Why don't men ever feel that way?"

My response (essentially) was that men might, but their options in the work-family balance are considerably more limited than women's tend to be. As such, men may feel the conflict, but feel (correctly or not) that they just don't have any alternative but to accept the status quo.

 

[Christine]

Actually, this one did. In its final analysis, assuming the couple stays together, it is a little better than a break even proposition unless both are big earners. Everything changes if the couple divorces or the primary earner dies without sufficient insurance...

That's probably why those studies never worked for my situation. Both my DH and I have earned roughly the same as each other through our married life and both were significant incomes with significant benefits for each of us. For one of us to quit working would make at least a 50% dent to the unit.

 

[beattyfamily]

Originally Posted by jamimb
I know a lot of woman that work full time and say they would go insane if they had to stay home full time but I wonder how they can be successful moms and wives and still work full time and not be tired and stressed like I am????
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Wow, what an interesting perspective. A tad bit judgemental .

........ But, please, while you do, do not make any suggestions that working women cant do it all. I think we as moms should support one another.

I just don't see how she's being judgemental.

She is saying how she feels about herself working fulltime and being a mom...that it makes her tired and stressed trying to do it all.

I don't see judgement at all.

 

[mickeyboat]

I work full time and absolutely do not feel like I am short-changing my family. Working is important to me, DH helps around the house, and I don't have a lot of trouble balancing home and work. I still spend plenty of time with my kids and I am able to do lots of volunteer work at their school. I don't have a lot of time to myself, but I figure I will have plenty of time to myself when my kids leave the house in a couple of years.

 

[disykat]

. But, please, while you do, do not make any suggestions that working women cant do it all. I think we as moms should support one another.

She wants to know HOW you do it when it's making her miserable. She's not saying you CAN'T do it.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

That's probably why those studies never worked for my situation. Both my DH and I have earned roughly the same as each other through our married life and both were significant incomes with significant benefits for each of us. For one of us to quit working would make at least a 50% dent to the unit.

Exactly so - when both are "high" earners, their individual incomes are sufficient to pay for all of the extra expenses and still have plenty of additional income to allocate as they see fit.

But the average family with two incomes does not fit into this scenario. They either have two low/moderate wage earners, both incomes being essential to the home, or one large and one smaller income. This, second, scenario is the one in which the second income vs extra expenses should be closely examined...

 

[jamimb]

Wow, what an interesting perspective. A tad bit judgemental .

I can tell you that I work full time, I am the administrator of a community mental health center and supervise numerous programs and staff and I ROCK as a mom and wife. I absolutely love my job, love love love what i do and feel very fulfilled from every angle. My family is well taken care of. My husband and i could not be any closer and my daughter is very close to both of us. We laugh, we play and we pray together. I am completely blessed.

It sounds to me like you dont want to work and you either have to or someone wants you to or i really dont know. If you are looking for someone to give you the answer, it is not happening. You have to make that decision. But, please, while you do, do not make any suggestions that working women cant do it all. I think we as moms should support one another.

Whoa back up a minute! I was not for one second being judgemental! Im am sorry you for whatever reason got defensive. I was only sharing my struggles and my opinions and wishing to hear what other working moms had to say! I do suppport other moms and their decisions and think it was pretty brazen of you to suggest that I was not. I say whatever works for your family is great but all families are different and this is not apparently working for my family and I was just kinda reaching out for a little encouragment and support.

 

[jamimb]

I never said there was - just a strong societal stigma attached to any man who does not hold a "real" job. (This comes from women and men, this notion that being a SAHD is a temporary measure, intended only until you can secure "real" employment. Likewise, bear in mind that many people say a woman is watching her children, but a man is baby-sitting his. )

The original question was "How many working moms feel that they are short-changing their family."

Someone responded with the (possibly) rhetorical question "Why don't men ever feel that way?"

My response (essentially) was that men might, but their options in the work-family balance are considerably more limited than women's tend to be. As such, men may feel the conflict, but feel (correctly or not) that they just don't have any alternative but to accept the status quo.

I think it's great that you are a stay at home dad. I know this couple from church who have twin boys. The dad is the doting one who kisses the bo-bos and loves on the boys and the mom is the suck it up type. Both of these parents work but I can totally see him being a SAHD! I say do whatever works in the best interest of your family!

 

[jamimb]

She wants to know HOW you do it when it's making her miserable. She's not saying you CAN'T do it.

This is exactly what Im saying. I have several friends who work full time and would not have it any other way. They are great wives and mothers by the way I just don't know how they do it (the two Im thinking of get less help from their DH's than I do) . HOW HOW HOW do they do it without going insane. Of course they used to ask me how I could stay at home and not go crazy.

 

[Judy from Boise]

I feel i do a very good job at being a wife, mother, daughter, and upper manager.

I am sorry you feel you are shortchanging your family, but really the family is you......family is just an interaction of a group of individuals who chose to work and live together, it is a construct that will never be exactly the same as any other family.It sounds like you are trying to impose some belief as to what a family "should" be like, when in reality only your family can decide what your norms and values will be. I don't mean to sound Woo Woo......but really just relax and live the life you have. Think of family as a verb and not a noun, it is the family working together for the benefit of all, that makes a family.You are a member of the family, not a servant to it.

 

[Disney Doll]

I beg to differ. A lot of men probably feel that way, but there is a societal pressure on men that is not on women. When children are born, women have the choice of going back to work (full or part-time), or becoming a SAHM. In general, men have the choice of keeping their current job, or finding one that pays more.

One reason that there are fewer SAHD may well be that there are significant societal obstacles to men becoming the primary caregiver. Even ignoring groups like MOPS and their ilk, most SAHDs that I know have taken a lot of flack from both men and women about their failure to pursue a "real" career, and how they "forced" their wife into the role of primary breadwinner.

(I could suggest that a lot of guys would love to spend more time with their kids, but maternal gatekeeping plays a significant role in dissuading their involvment. Likewise, I could note that many housework surveys include laundry, but not mowing the lawn - and, according to some, I can do something like 32 hours of housework in a single day.)

Actually, one of the biggest setbacks to a man being a SAHD isd the fact that it means the woman has to work and women generally make less money than men.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Actually, one of the biggest setbacks to a man being a SAHD isd the fact that it means the woman has to work and women generally make less money than men.

This is what decided it for us. I would have loved being a S@HD.

 

[Took]

Exactly so - when both are "high" earners, their individual incomes are sufficient to pay for all of the extra expenses and still have plenty of additional income to allocate as they see fit.

But the average family with two incomes does not fit into this scenario. They either have two low/moderate wage earners, both incomes being essential to the home, or one large and one smaller income. This, second, scenario is the one in which the second income vs extra expenses should be closely examined...

Exactly. It's about trade-offs.

And personal satisfaction, of course, can be part of the equation,too. A woman who is unhappy working outside of her home, away from her children, may never find the extra income (if there is any) worth the trade-off of missing all of the daily family events. The OP sounds as if that's her situation.

Others may gain very little satisfaction from being at home. My mom tried to stay home one year when I was in high school. I think she thought I needed her there (14 was a difficult year for me). By the end of the year, both she and I were pulling our hair out and she went back to work. We were
much happier. We all enjoyed the higher standard of living and, more importantly, Mom was happier. I cooked most of my own meals as a teen and gained invaluable experience doing so.

 

[skuttle]

I work full time and I don't think I'm "short-changing" my family at all. I think I'm good mom and wife. I can't imagine SAHMs are always upbeat, well-rested and stress-free. I couldn't be a SAHM. It's just not for me. But that doesn't mean my family is suffering because of it. I actually make a lot more than DH so if anyone would stay home, it would be DH.

DH and I take care of DS together. Usually one of us cooks and the other does homework. We take turns reading to him at night. We play a board game or card game every night. Sure there are times I am exhausted and stressed out because of work, but I've learned to leave work at work. I know some people aren't that lucky.

I'm also lucky because my job is pretty flexible. I'm able to take off as needed if DS is sick or has a field trip. I can usually work from home if needed. My DH is a teacher so that makes things a bit easier for us too.

If you don't want to do it all, then I think doing it all will be much harder and more of a chore.

 

[mommytobug]

I feel i do a very good job at being a wife, mother, daughter, and upper manager.

I am sorry you feel you are shortchanging your family, but really the family is you......family is just an interaction of a group of individuals who chose to work and live together, it is a construct that will never be exactly the same as any other family.It sounds like you are trying to impose some belief as to what a family "should" be like, when in reality only your family can decide what your norms and values will be. I don't mean to sound Woo Woo......but really just relax and live the life you have. Think of family as a verb and not a noun, it is the family working together for the benefit of all, that makes a family.You are a member of the family, not a servant to it.

I love the way you worded this. Perfect!

OP-yes i am offended. You may be asking for support but the way you worded it makes it sound as though it cant be done. It can. It sounds like working is not what you want to do. So, dont if you can make that choice. If you are miserable working, you are not going to be happy at home or work. It can be done. We all have to prioritize. What is important to you may not be to me.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I love the way you worded this. Perfect!

OP-yes i am offended. You may be asking for support but the way you worded it makes it sound as though it cant be done. It can. It sounds like working is not what you want to do. So, dont if you can make that choice. If you are miserable working, you are not going to be happy at home or work. It can be done. We all have to prioritize. What is important to you may not be to me.

Not the OP, but if you are still offended even though she came back and clarified that she was only talking about herself and her situation, well, you need to take that chip off of your shoulder.

 

[beattyfamily]

I love the way you worded this. Perfect!

OP-yes i am offended. You may be asking for support but the way you worded it makes it sound as though it cant be done. It can. It sounds like working is not what you want to do. So, dont if you can make that choice. If you are miserable working, you are not going to be happy at home or work. It can be done. We all have to prioritize. What is important to you may not be to me.

And this is how the mommy wars begin and these threads get locked..

Someone always ends up taking offense to some perceived 'judgement'.

 

[SAHDad]

Actually, one of the biggest setbacks to a man being a SAHD isd the fact that it means the woman has to work and women generally make less money than men.

It is a decision that every family has to make. It should be noted, however, that much of the "76 cents on the dollar" statistic has to do with work interruptions and reduced hours, which are often a consequence of being a primary caregiver. If the couple is a working mother and a SAHD, she should not have those interruptions (beyond maternity leave, of course).

(The other factor has a lot to do with career paths, and we could derail the thread and discusss whether societal roles forces these tendencies - that men gravitate toward higher-paying careers, because of the expectation that they will have to provide for a family, and women toward lower-paying ones, because of the expectation that they will not.)

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

It is a decision that every family has to make. It should be noted, however, that much of the "76 cents on the dollar" statistic has to do with work interruptions and reduced hours, which are often a consequence of being a primary caregiver. If the couple is a working mother and a SAHD, she should not have those interruptions (beyond maternity leave, of course).

(The other factor has a lot to do with career paths, and we could derail the thread and discusss whether societal roles forces these tendencies - that men gravitate toward higher-paying careers, because of the expectation that they will have to provide for a family, and women toward lower-paying ones, because of the expectation that they will not.)

All of this is true. I make more than my wife because of my career choice. Had my wife chosen a different career, or had I chosen a different career, she might be the one working today...

 

[Disney Doll]

Actually, OP, I have seen many women successfully work & raise a family. It can be done if working is something that is important to the woman, for whatever reasons it is important.

In your case, working is not important. You prefer to be at home. There's nothing wrong with that, but just as there are trade-offs with the decision to work outside the home, there are trade-offs when one chooses not to work outside the home.

Obviously the biggest one is money. Your current financial situation will change. Your future financial situation will change. Your 14 year old DD will have to hear the word "no" occasionally (not a bad thing necessarily), will have to learn that she will not die if she doesn't go shopping, will not die if she doesn't get the absolute latest "thing" (whatever it may be that interests her) that comes out.

Your future financial picture will change. You won't be saving as much $$. If your needs are simple, this probably won't be much of an issue. But there is college and a host of other possibilities from a financial standpoint, so bear them in mind. Retirement being one of them. If something happens to your DH (God forbid!), you will be going back into the workforce having "lost" a good number of years.

I assume as a SAHM you make your "job" running the household as efficiently and as financially prudently as possible, so there's where you'll make your biggest dent in your financial losses. Make it a game to see how cheap you can buy food, use coupons etc...all the things you probably did when you were a SAHM in the past.

My choice with regard to working outide the home would be different from yours, because I would never want to put myself behind the 8 ball, so to speak, from a financial position. I have heard too many horror stories about women whose husbands have did or left them, whose lifestyle declined dramatically because they had been out of the workforce, couldn't get a decent job etc. It's more of a chance than I want to take.

Best of luck with your decision.