Any other working moms feel like your short-changing your family?

[MickeyMomOfThree]

OP, this is an interesting thread.

I have been a SAHM for almost 16 years. This school year I was offered a very P/T job. It's a dream job for me, it is as a preschool aide, I only work 2 afternoons a week. I am home before my kids are, I don't work when they are not in school (holidays, weekends) and it was on a one year trial basis. Perfect. I love the job, love the kids but my family has gotten so used to me being here that they don't like it. Just about a week ago my DD8 said to me that all I care about anymore is work. I was subbing that morning so she had to get moving and make the bus, but she was sleepy and wanted to lay back down and have me drive her. Any other day I could have but because I had agreed to sub I couldn't. All my kids including my DD15 preferd it when I was home and DH does too. I find those 2 days are almost useless. I get everyone off, exercise, shower, straighten up from the morning and go by the time I get home it's time to run the nightly activity runs. Now that we had this chance to see how it would work, I don't think I plan on returning next year even if I am offered the job.

I give credit to moms who work F/T or even more P/T then I do. It's got to wear you out. I couldn't do it. Then again my kids have chores, DH does not. He works very hard so I can be home so when he comes home I don't ask him to do anything. I mean, he will help with homework and stuff but I don't ask him to do laundry or anything, that's just how we work.

You may be surpised how much you can save being home. I cook Sunday thru Friday. I make good, healthy measl and affordably. (I take Saturdays off. DH and I usually go on a date and get a pizza for the kids.)

As for missing things at school. I have never missed anything and that to me is priceless. I get to be the Girl Scout leader, the mom asked to take the kids places after school with their friends. It's what works for our family and if it doesn't for another that is fine too, but OP sounds like that means something to you too, so good luck with your decision.

 

[canadianjovigirl]

I always worked full time and then we moved and i took 4 years off...i had a hard time accomplishing anything during that time, seemed to always put it off as i had so much time I returned to work just over a year ago to a great flexible job where i have Fridays off and it is working well now that i am in the swing of things and am organized. I had to give up alot of my volunteer work, but still feed my seniors once a week, still do a few volunteer shifts at the hospice and once a month on a Friday i volunteer at my youngests school. I had to get used to the lack of sleep and have a plan and it seems to work well now. My family also helps in alot of areas but i sure do look forward to the hour a night after the kids are in bed that i have for myself............my 3 kids are all in activities as well and we are busy busy with all that, but still find time to spend with each other.....i do somedays wish i could come home from work and just sit for a bit, but there is always other stuff i need to do so my day does not end until almost 9 pm when i have an hour for myself, which i find is super important .............


oh and we hardly eat out as we are in a super small town so just 2 local restaurants and no fast food...............

 

[Hidden_Mickey]

This is what Im trying to say! Im not doing a good job of balancing and I am a very well organized OCD type(maybe that's my problem). For me at least it seems I can do one or the other really well and after I work 8 hrs and cook and do laundry and run the girls to dance there is nothing left of me to spend quality time with hubby or even read to them before bed. My stress levels are so high Im having to see a therapist.

I guess I'm just wondering how everyone else does it. Balance the two that is because I am having such a rough time.

I think you need to let go. You can't be perfect 24/7. Do the best you can but understand some things will have to slide occasionally. Not that I'm one to talk, lol. There are a few things I MUST do every day, but there are some things I just let go for a week or more. Yes, you will miss a few school events. Yes, the laundry will pile up. Yes, there will be pizza. Lots of pizza But you have to find a middle ground. Shoot for a home cooked meal twice per week, with leftovers and grilled cheese to round out the week. Do laundry when you can. Get to as many school events as you can. I try to do one thing per day. Paperwork or laundry or getting my oil changed, not everything in one day. One day at a time.

 

[ferris198]

Um, maybe, if that deathbed is in the worst nursing home in town and you can't afford better. Women of my mother's generation (she was born in 1914) often end up in poverty in old age because they never brought in income, but their husband's survivor benefits were not really sufficient to live on. My mother had a minor child in the house from 1940 to 1980, and she was widowed for the last 6 years of that stretch. She wasn't going to suddenly be able to save for retirement AFTER she turned 65.

I've always worked except for brief periods of unemployment, and I assume that I always will. My youngest won't be out of the house until I'm 63. They don't miss what they have never had.

While my job itself isn't more important to me than my children are, the income that I bring in is much more important than having a showroom-fresh house or the freedom to go on field trips and attend sporting events. They know that if I have to work, then I have to work, and unless they are ill, they go on without me. Making sure that I have enough money put aside to live on in my old age is crucially important for their sakes -- I don't want to burden them with supporting me.

Wow, you have missed out on so much.
There is no greater joy then going on a field trip.

 

[sparklynails23]

Wow, you have missed out on so much.
There is no greater joy then going on a field trip.

Seriously? Riding on a dirty school bus and supervising 5 to 10 kids is a "great joy?" I must have gotten the bad kid group. Even my son said he would rather skip his field trip than go to Disney on Ice again. Sacrilege, I know.

 

[jamimb]

Seriously? Riding on a dirty school bus and supervising 5 to 10 kids is a "great joy?" I must have gotten the bad kid group. Even my son said he would rather skip his field trip than go to Disney on Ice again. Sacrilege, I know.

I have always enjoyed the field trips I have been on. No , really.

 

[ferris198]

Seriously? Riding on a dirty school bus and supervising 5 to 10 kids is a "great joy?" I must have gotten the bad kid group. Even my son said he would rather skip his field trip than go to Disney on Ice again. Sacrilege, I know.

I always get the "bad kid group" as the teachers know I can handle them.
We don't do Disney on Ice as field trips, but something more educational.

 

[Took]

You've already received some good advice about getting everyone to pull his or her own weight. I won't re-hash that.

I can throw in a couple pointers:

Here's one that's difficult for many women (because we're multi-taskers): Wherever you are, BE THERE. When you're at work, put 100% into work. Don't spend time wishing you were at home, don't worry about the kids (you've made good choices for them, let them be happy in school, after-school care, whatever decisions you've made). Don't try to sneak in your neglected Bible Study when you have 10 minutes down time; you won't have adequate time, and you'll feel rushed. Don't try to write out your child's birthday invitations at work. BE at work. When you're at home, leave work behind and put your all into doing what needs to be done there. Leave work mentally and physically behind (this is impossible for us teachers, but we do try).

Another one: Set your priorities when it comes to your time. How important is a spotless house? How many days a week do you want to have a home-cooked meal? My house is rarely as clean as I'd like it to be, but we read with the kids EVERY SINGLE DAY when they were small -- it shows in their schoolwork now.

Decide what's best, and don't second-guess yourself. If you've decided that you need more income for retirement and the kids' college, then don't waste time worrying that you don't have time to make homemade desserts. Accept that you've made the big decisions and don't worry about them.

One way to do this is to -- along with your husband -- list your 5 most important goals. Write them down. When you're stressed and unable to get everything done, go to that list. If that Bible study you've missed is in your top 5, then tell the scout leader that you simply cannot work at the cookie booth . . . and move on. If one of your top 5 is "spend time each and every day sitting on the floor playing with the kids", then remind yourself that you've chosen to do that -- even if it means that the lawn doesn't get mowed. If the house is a huge mess, but you know that you've listed "serve healthy, nutritious meals" as a higher priority, let the living room floor go a little longer. You can only do so much, and writing down your most important priorities means that you'll spend your time doing what you really want to do.

Re-evaluate those top 5 priorities every year. New Year's would be a good time to do it. Perhaps right now volunteering at church just cannot make the top 5 . . . but in a few more years, when your kids are older, it might move back up to one of the top positions -- and it might be reworded as "volunteer along with the children at church".

In closing, no, I don't feel that I'm short-changing my family. I'm not stressed or tired all the time (I do have my moments -- like when my husband goes out of town -- but it's not an everyday thing). I don't do everything for them, but my girls know how to do things around the house that many of their friends don't know how to do. We don't spoil them with excessive material goods, but they've been able to enjoy many vacations and enrichment activities that would've been impossible for them if I didn't work. We've finished braces for one and are about to embark on that journey for the second child. We're not worried about paying car insurance when our oldest gets her license in a few more months. And they won't have to borrow money to go to college. They won't have to be concerned with supporting us (financially) in our old age. For our family, we decided that these benefits were worth sacraficing some things along the way. Everyone's happy, healthy, and satisifed with our choices. If my kids were babies, I'd do the same things again.

ITA, it's about prioritizing.

My parents (both of whom had to work when I was younger so that we could have food and a roof over our heads) said, "Life's always about trade-offs." They were right, of course. Op and her hubby just need to decide what they're willing to trade.

Moreover, since the OP is concerned about letting her family see that she values them, I want to say that a willingness to trade attending school events (etc.) for work/income is a perfectly valid way to show concern for children. CHildren don't dry up and die if parents don't applaud their every move: my mom and dad missed MOST of my day-time school events, lots of my ball games, and so forth. I never resented that or felt they had their priorities wrong--I knew they worked and that was just how it was. Quite frankly, it made it that much more special when they did come to events. I knew they loved and cared about me, and I'm very, very grateful that they were able (with the extra income saved up over the years) to help me through college. I also knew my mom liked working (even though she was stressed out sometimes), and I was very proud of her independence.

On the other hand, if the OP is truly miserable about missing the school events and so forth, then the trade-off of increased income and security may not be worth it for her or her family, especially if she doesn't like the job much.

But it's about priorities. Make that list.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I love field trips too, even the boring ones. I'd love a Disney on Ice one, but that would never happen at our school.

 

[tasha99]

Me, right now. I was a stay at home mom till I got divorced, then I was a student and after getting my degree, I worked part time as a legal assistant. All of those worked fine. Now I'm in grad school, and my workload is 60-70 hours a week. I have early morning classes and clients around dinner time, so my time off (if you could call it that, but I'm busy then too) is when my son is in school. It is NOT working, but I only have 3 more terms till my externships.

 

[disykat]

I agree it's all about balance, but it's important to note that the balance will be different for each person. What gives them joy, what gives them energy, what makes them feel loving and loved, etc. will be different.

The key is what makes each individual tick and works for their family, not a blanket solution for everyone.

 

[quasar4legs]

Do what makes you and your family happy.
We are all so different and I know the life choices I've made would not work for everyone, but they didn't need to................they just had to work for us.

good luck

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I agree it's all about balance, but it's important to note that the balance will be different for each person. What gives them joy, what gives them energy, what makes them feel loving and loved, etc. will be different.

The key is what makes each individual tick and works for their family, not a blanket solution for everyone.

That's for sure!!!!

 

[SnowWhite607]

OP, this is an interesting thread.

I have been a SAHM for almost 16 years. This school year I was offered a very P/T job. It's a dream job for me, it is as a preschool aide, I only work 2 afternoons a week. I am home before my kids are, I don't work when they are not in school (holidays, weekends) and it was on a one year trial basis. Perfect. I love the job, love the kids but my family has gotten so used to me being here that they don't like it. Just about a week ago my DD8 said to me that all I care about anymore is work. I was subbing that morning so she had to get moving and make the bus, but she was sleepy and wanted to lay back down and have me drive her. Any other day I could have but because I had agreed to sub I couldn't. All my kids including my DD15 preferd it when I was home and DH does too. I find those 2 days are almost useless. I get everyone off, exercise, shower, straighten up from the morning and go by the time I get home it's time to run the nightly activity runs. Now that we had this chance to see how it would work, I don't think I plan on returning next year even if I am offered the job.

I give credit to moms who work F/T or even more P/T then I do. It's got to wear you out. I couldn't do it. Then again my kids have chores, DH does not. He works very hard so I can be home so when he comes home I don't ask him to do anything. I mean, he will help with homework and stuff but I don't ask him to do laundry or anything, that's just how we work.

You may be surpised how much you can save being home. I cook Sunday thru Friday. I make good, healthy measl and affordably. (I take Saturdays off. DH and I usually go on a date and get a pizza for the kids.)

As for missing things at school. I have never missed anything and that to me is priceless. I get to be the Girl Scout leader, the mom asked to take the kids places after school with their friends. It's what works for our family and if it doesn't for another that is fine too, but OP sounds like that means something to you too, so good luck with your decision.

Me too!

 

[SnowWhite607]

There is a book called The Five Love Languages for Kids by Gary Chapman....in it you will find 5 ways that your children feel love from you. I think as some of the PPs have said, it only has to work for YOUR family.

I know my DD is a "quality time" person. The way I show my love and concern for her is spending quality time with her. Some kids dont give a hoot about that and had rather mom work and buy them things. Thats how THEY feel love. As Disykat said, you have to find out what makes them feel loved.

I would agree that it is about finding the balance but that is so hard to do. Thats why I am hoping that if I work fewer days next year, I can still work and have money but still be off enough to be able to spend time with my family.

ETA: It is hard personally for me to find the balance since I have a FT job now, my DH doesnt do anything around the house. He will take out the garbage if I nag him but nothing else. But he works 12 hour days also and I am home more. I dont love the division of chores, but thats a topic for another thread.............

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

I have always worked FT+ since well before my DS was born. I was fortunate to be able to take 12 weeks of FMLA when he was born (though it was unpaid), and very, very lucky that my mom truly wanted (and insisted) that she would watch him while I worked until he was 2. I'm also very, very lucky that I live about 15 minutes from my parents and they are very involved in my son's life.

Today, I am a VP of a large multi-service human needs agency. I have a very demanding job that requires me to work sometimes at odd hours (i.e., meetings at night and sometimes activities on weekends). I work hard, but I'm fortunate to have a job that allows me to be present for my son when I need to because of the "odd" hours that I sometimes have to work. I also earn a nice income and am loath to give that up....it would mean a very, very substantial cut in household income.

So, how do I balance it all? I grocery shop once every other week and then do a short trip in the off week for fresh produce and bread. I cook ahead on Sundays (marinade my meats for the week, cook soups, cook a pot roast, etc.). I use my crock pot at least once a week for a meal. My DH grills outside several nights a week during the spring, summer and fall. I have a cleaning lady who comes once a week. I have one Sunday a month that is my day....I get to scrapbook, do an outing with my son and/or husband or whatever I want for that day. Do we eat out, yes sometimes...but not as often as you may think. Do I ever feel like I've neglected my family....yep...but then I think of all I'm doing to enrich my family's standard of living, all that I'm giving to our community and the lives that I've been able to change by working. Am I satisfied...most days. Do I ever feel the twinge of "oh, I should be home,"...sometimes, but I also know that when I really need to be home (i.e., sick child), I WILL BE and nothing and no one will stop me.

The earlier poster that said give 100% of yourself to whatever task you are doing is correct (though I admit to life coming into work and work coming into life sometimes).

The bottom line though is that if it is too much for you...then it's too much for you! Believe me, I couldn't do it without the support of my son, DH, DM and DF. It's true that it takes a village...and some days it takes more than one!

K

 

[dawn1620]

I shook off that mentality years ago...this is not the same world as 20 or even 10 years ago. I'm lucky my work hours start early so I get off early but DD still has to go to school aftercare for an hour everyday. She doesn't like it but that is just how things are - and that is what I tell her. Life is not fair and if that is the worst thing you have to whine about then your life is pretty good.

I see the family as a unit and everyone has to put in the same amount of energy to make it a good one..that means we spend time together as a whole, we get out on weekends to do fun things together, we clean the house together on Saturday mornings, we watch TV together...we are not joined at the hip but we're not three strangers sharing a house.

I got tired of feeling guilty just because I'm the Mom that I'm supposed to be the nurturing one taking care of everyone. Trust me, my husband is more nuturing than I am..I'm known as the enforcer and the punisher at my house.

 

[MrsPete]

Thanks everyone for all your responses! I must add really quick though that everyone here at our house pulls their own weight. My DH is a saint and does a lot around here. My two girls (8 and 14) have daily chores and weekly chores so I don't think that is the problem at all.

My problem may be that even though Im working I still want to be there for every activity, I still want them all to be able to come home to a clean comfortable home, I still want to be able to cook healthy homemade meals 5 or 6 times a week. I still want to be able to make cupcakes for dd's class and ETC. I've not been willing to compromise on those things and I don't think I should have to!

I kinda feel like a failure because so many woman seem to be able to do it all and I just don't have the energy.

Okay, so what are your five most imporant priorities? I'm hearing:

1. Maintain a reasonably clean, comfortable home.
2. Cook homemade, healthy meals 5-6 times a week.
3. Be involved in the kids' classrooms.
And you can pick two more -- but don't cheat and go super-general like "be there for my kids". You have to be specific for this to work.

Here's the point: You cannot do it ALL, so what's most important? If these things are your priorities, then you have to let go of some other things. Perhaps date night with your husband, exercising every day, and moving up in your career -- all worthy goals -- will NOT make the top five. Be sure you're not running around all the time trying to do everything; pick your important items, and put your time there. Everything else comes AFTER those things.

Don't be fooled into thinking that other women are doing it all. The reality is that we don't really see another person's whole life -- we tend to see the parts that they're doing well, and we tend to see the parts that they care to show us.

You may be surpised how much you can save being home. I cook Sunday thru Friday. I make good, healthy measl and affordably . . . As for missing things at school. I have never missed anything and that to me is priceless.

I totally agree that if you work at it, staying home can save the family quite a bit of money -- on the other hand, if you spend your days shopping and meeting friends for lunch, it can be an expensive proposition. I couldn't save as much money as I earn at my job, and I wouldn't have a pension building for my retirement . . . but I do spend more on convenience foods and services while I'm working than I do during the summer months when I'm at home.

As for doing EVERYTHING with the kids at school, I have a little different take on that: When our kids were young, they went to a small Christian school that had LOADS of field trips. My husband and I, although we both worked, moved heaven and earth to make sure that one of us ALWAYS went on the field trips with our daughters. We had a great time doing it . . . but then the day came when our oldest was in 4th grade and neither of us could manage to go with her on a big-deal field trip. We worried and worried. She didn't say much of anything. It was an all-day trip, and we had to meet her bus around 5:00-6:00 at the school. She jumped off the bus and ran to us, all smiles, announcing proudly, "I went on a field trip all by myself!" She was just a little bit taller that day. She was just a little bit more independent. All the way home she chatted about how she'd taken good care of her own money, how she'd taken pictures, how she'd been good and had stayed with her group.

While we had thought we were showing her how much we cared, SHE thought we didn't think her capable of going on a field trip without us -- I'm not sure that she really articulated that thought, but that's how she'd felt about it. She was so proud of herself. We looked at each other and knew that we had to cut back on the EVERY field trip thing. Now that they're teens, we are still much more involved than most of their friends' parents, but we aim for attending /chaperoning about 1/3 of their events. That's enough to let them know that we're there, but also enough to let them spread their wings and be "on their own" in safe, controlled environments. We don't want to send them away to college (the oldest in only two years) having no real experience with independence.

I know a few of my teenaged daughter's friends who literally have never done anything without their parents, grandparents, or a friend's parents . . . and they aren't nearly as mature as my daughter. I think being at 1/2 of their elementary events and 1/3 of their high school events is a good raising-a-kid-to-be-independent balance.

 

[ccgirl]

I think this is a fabulous thread. I returned to working FT after being laid off for 5 months and had severe working moms guilt at first. My Dh even said that we made it work before and we could make it work again if I wanted to stay at home with the children. I have always worked FT so that should be nothing new. I was very surprised at how much I enjoyed being a SAHM. Saying that, I find I can actually get done more now than I did when I was a SAHM. Maybe because I only have a limited time. It broke my heart when I told DD7 that I had found a job and she said, "Now I'm going to be one of those kids that don't have their mommy's pick them up." But, then in the next breath she asked if she could go out to eat and I said twe didn't have the money. She said she was sick of not having money for things. Kids say hurtful things. It's all about quality not quantity. My SIL is a SAHM and she talks on the phone and watches t.v. all day, her house is filthy - not just dirty, there's a difference. (I am not knocking being a SAHM mom at all, I said I loved it). My two favorite posts on this thread are from MRs Pete and Pixie Dust For Me. It is about balance. I stopped being a perfectionist. I had to laugh though, I brought in some papers to work that I need to return signed to my DD school and her scholastic book order so I could fill them in during lunch break. I have also posted a few threads about crock pot cooking ideas hoping to get some more balance. I recently made a beef roast then used the left overs for beef stroganoff another night. I also use PeaPod by Stop & Shop for my groceries. Sure, it costs $5 to deliver but how much is an hour of my time worth? I will run out during my lunch hour to get things as needed. I took a pay cut with this new job because the hours were more flexible. Last week I was able leave work and attend my DD moving up ceremony for girl scouts then work the rest of the day from home. Granted, I'm not in bed nights until 11pm because I have to get everything ready for the next day. My DH is HUGE...he does the laundry, will "clean" sometimes (more like surface clean) and will help give my DD and DS baths and put them to bed. I don't get home until 6pm nights so that is hard. I did that so I could drive my DD to school in the morning though. My DH has "date night" with my DD and we make sure to have date night together as well (my DH and myself). I am very fortunate that my mom quit her job to watch my son when he was born two years ago. She actually makes more money doing that than when she was working. It is still hard because I do still miss somethings at her school and have to scramble for delayed school openings and things like that. Sometimes she tells me she doesn't want to go to aftercare but I tell her we can't always have what we want. OP, your children are older and can cook a healthy meal. Chop up some veggies and add to wheat pasta and there you have pasta primavera. I do NOT clean my DD room. That is her responsibility. She also helps with the chores. It sounds like you just want to stay home and are looking to justify that. There is absolutely no need to justify wanting to stay home with your children, just like there is no need to justify wanting to work FT. What is right for you is right for you. Discuss with your DH and children and make a team decision. To the dads that have commented here...thank you. My DH drives by the bus stop sometimes and sees other dads standing there and wishes he could do that too. Sometimes we forget that although females seem to have more pressure to be a SAHM, dads have more pressure to go to work - maybe they would rather be a SAHD. Whatever you decide, good luck with it and know that either would be right. It really is a team effort in the end. Keep us posted.

 

[MrsPete]

So, how do I balance it all? I grocery shop once every other week and then do a short trip in the off week for fresh produce and bread. I cook ahead on Sundays (marinade my meats for the week, cook soups, cook a pot roast, etc.). I use my crock pot at least once a week for a meal. My DH grills outside several nights a week during the spring, summer and fall. I have a cleaning lady who comes once a week. I have one Sunday a month that is my day....I get to scrapbook, do an outing with my son and/or husband or whatever I want for that day. Do we eat out, yes sometimes...but not as often as you may think. Do I ever feel like I've neglected my family....yep...but then I think of all I'm doing to enrich my family's standard of living, all that I'm giving to our community and the lives that I've been able to change by working. Am I satisfied...most days. Do I ever feel the twinge of "oh, I should be home,"...sometimes, but I also know that when I really need to be home (i.e., sick child), I WILL BE and nothing and no one will stop me.

I do a number of those things. I think they're things that you pick up on slowly as a working mom, and you get better at them as time goes on. I can add a few:

I have a BUNCH of casserole dishes that can go into the freezer. I love to double (or triple) a casserole-type meal and freeze the extras. It doesn't take much extra time and doesn't dirty any extra dishes, but then you have an extra 1-2 ready-to-go meals for other nights. Sometimes I buy disposable tin casserole dishes from ebay, which is very convenient.

I do the same thing for crock-pot meals, but I put everything into a big ziplock bag and freeze it together.

If you want to get a good start on this, try one of the meal-preparation places like Dream Dinners. It's more expensive than doing it at home, but you'll get a handle on what type of meals freeze well and how to package them. I learned a great deal from using those services, but I think of what I do now as "batch cooking". If I find pork chops on sale, I'll buy a bunch and make up my husband's favorite pork chops-and-stuffing casserole. If I find chicken thighs on sale, I'll boil them and freeze them with vegetables so they can become chicken-and-dumplings or chicken soup.

Good family meals are a priority for us, and doing things like this means that we can have them with less effort.

Also, the kids each have a day of the week that's THEIRS. They pick a meal, write down what they need to prepare it, and then they're responsible for cooking and cleaning that night. Totally responsible from start to finish. If they don't pick by the time I shop, I get to pick and they have to cook what I choose.

I am about a hundred years behind on my scrapbooking . . . but I make sure to take plenty of pictures. I figure I can always catch up on that later.