Any adoptive parents out there??

[fluffernutter]

Okay I may be worrying about nothing but here is my story...

Hubby and I are in the process of adopting a baby girl from China. We have our first homestudy visit this weekend and we are petrified. SO I guess I am looking for some advice from those of you who have done this before .

How clean does the house really have to be?, our house is like walking into Disneyworld so it is definitely child friendly but we do have some boxes of stuff in my office (soon to be baby's room)

What types of questions will they be asking us separately and together?
Am I worrying for nothing or is this going to be a torturous visit,lol

We are so excited to have finally made the decision to adopt after years and years of struggling with infertility. I know that this process is something we have to do to get to our ultimate journey-but boy can it be stressful at times

Thanks in advance for all your suggestions,comments and experiences.
-Marcy

 

[septbride2002]

Not an adoptive parent but I just wanted to say GOOD LUCK! DH and I are wanting to adopt in a few years.

~Amanda

 

[Dan Murphy]

Adoptive dad here (mom is out shoping I think). Loooonnnng ago, over 20 years, 26 and 23 actually, but I am sure not too different today. Honestly? Be yourselves, Marcy. You sound like a wonderful person, be yourself and you will be great. Don't fret, just relax. I know, easier said than done, but so true about most things in life, including a home visit.

There are a lot of adoptive families here on the DIS, and a lot of prospective ones in all the various stages. I bet you will get some good replies here, not too dissimilar to this one.

My very best wishes for you both, a prayer said.

Dan

 

[CAMICKEY]

Congrats on your adventure and hoping everything turns out for you. We adopted at birth here in California. The paperwork we had to fill out was voluminous. We were asked things like. Are you sexually compatible, how often do you have sex and other really personal questions. I hated it at the time but it was all worth it. If I can be a shoulder to lean on or answer any questions at all, please PM me although I think the requirements are different between states (and especially foreign adoptions). Our home was very clean when our home visit was done and yes we were apprehensive as well. - Mike

 

[AZKathy]

Adoptive parent here of three wonderful kids. All adopted at birth.

The home studies can make you very nervous. I don't remember the questions that were asked of us, but I do remember thinking that they want to know everything about us. We had to show them our budget, verification of infertility, fingerprints, physicals, compatibility tests, etc. Our social worker that worked with us on all of our adoptions was great and quite personable which helped us shake our nervousness.

I remember cleaning our home wonderfully for the study. I don't think a few boxes in the office are any matter, though.

Just be yourselves and try to relax and be open and you will do fine. I remember thinking that sperm and ovum don't interview parents like this but I had to tell myself that the agency is just trying to make sure we would be good parents for the babies. I knew we would be good parents, but the agencies don't know us from Adam, so they have to do this.

Also, the good thing about this is now you don't have to say "IF" you have a baby...it is "WHEN" you have a baby! Good luck and keep us posted! PM me if you have any questions.

 

[Crazy for Tigger]

A home that looks like Disney World...sounds good to me.


OK, I'm on the other end of this situation. I gave my son up for adoption 5 years ago this July. Our social worker did the home visit and took pics. After I saw the pics and met with them again I asked if they were normal. Most people's homes are not immaculate all the time, especially homes with children. A box in the office is not something you should be concerned with. Please try and relax, and be yourself.

However, I do have a warning. Make sure you disclose EVERYTHING! The now dad of my son forgot to mention he had been arrested when he was 16 for vandilism with some buddies. We found out about it half-way through the whole process. (Only 3 weeks till due date I decided to put him up for adoption.) Our social worker told me to dump them and give the child to a better choice. I loved them and felt it was right with them, so I disregarded her opinion. They had the advantage of me being involved which I am sure is not the case in most adoptions. I just can't imagine turning down a wonderful couple for something he did when he was a kid. Plus, when I saw them the next time with our social worker he was crying and apologizing for not putting it down.

I wish you the best of luck! Children are truly the best gift of God! I feel so blessed everyday with my son, and knowing I gave that to another couple who couldn't have kids.

 

[fluffernutter]

Thanks for all the kind words and support. I knew I must have been overly worried for no reason!. I think its the fact of the unknown, what will they ask,what will they think of us,etc
I know we are great loving people and our caseworker has been amazing with us over the phone already-so its just nerves setting in-like 1st day of school kind of jitters -what if they dont like me,lol

I will definitely update you all on our visit and I hope more of you will continue to share your experiences. It is so helpful kwoing that we arent the only ones out there. Adoption used to be such a hush hush kind of thing, and its amazing how accepted it has become. We of course have run into people with very negative and hurtful comments especially when we told them we are adopting from China/. I dont know why people dont realize their words can hurt. For the most part though, everyone has been incredibly supportive of us and our decision.

Crazy for Tigger- I think its amazing what you did and that you made an adoption plan. I admire and respect birthmoms -they simply are women who choose a different path for their childs overall well being. I cant imagine how happy you must have made that family and how great it is that you went with your gut and didnt make them pay for his "undisclosed mistake" years ago.
I told my husband as we were filling out all our paperwork-make sure even if you think it was nothing-put it down!!

Thanks for sharing your experience!!!!

-Marcy

 

[kpgclark]

We have adopted twice and have had two homestudies. Honestly I wasn't nervous at all. You don't have to sanitize the house for goodness sake!! They just want to be sure you have a space available for the baby to stay (doesn't need to be furnished at the time of the homestudy) and that the home is safe. I am shocked that someone was asked about their sex life to be quite honest. Whose business is it how often you have sex????

During ours they wanted to know things about your parenting style, how you deal with problems, how you think having a child will affect your life, if you will stay home with the baby or work, how you will address the issue of adoption with your child and family etc. Ours suggested we have a will drawn up (which we didn't have at the time). She really just sat and chatted with us. Before the visit you will have a mound of paperwork to fill out and you'll have to provide references. You will have an idea of what they will ask based on the forms you have to fill out prior to the visit. Honestly don't worry about it at all. They just want to be sure you will be good parents and take good care of your child. If you are using this person to facilitate your adoption (not just to do your homestudy) she will be a great ally.

Don't worry about the baby's room. Our agency almost frowned on pre-preparation because you never know. I thought it would be bad luck too. We did paint the baby's room and we did buy a crib, but we waited for most other things. We requested friends throw a baby shower AFTER the baby came home.

It is a fantastic experience and you will wonder why you ever spend so much time with the whole infertility mess after you get the baby. Good luck and if you have ANY questions please feel free to PM me.

 

[kpgclark]

Have you been matched with a baby yet? When will you go to China?

 

[fluffernutter]

kpgclark-Yeah I was worried when I saw the post about the sex questions, but I guess every caseworker is different. Based on the paperwork we filled out-I kind of have a feel for some of the questions-disciplining style,etc.
I was told also to have a will made,so we will be working on that soon. not that we have much -other than my disney collection
We are in the paperchase phase of the process. With China adoptions-the paperwork,homestudy and fingerprints,etc is done-which takes about 3 months to do then we will have approx a 8-9 month wait until our referral comes in. Then approx. 4 weeks later we fly to China and stay there for approx 2 weeks to get our daughter
So after our dossier is sent to China we figure we will have a "pregnancy" wait of our own- 9 months or so,lol.

As far as preparing the baby's room-we just started doing that this weekend-we bought the crib!!!!! That is all we will buy for now as far as major purchases go until closer to the time of our referral,but we saw this crib and knew we had to have it.
Being the Disney collector I am,- I have tons of disney themed baby items stored away for when the time comes


_marcy

 

[kpgclark]

You have to keep us posted on the whole process. I am really excited for you!

Regarding the will, they are most concerned about who will take care of the baby should you both pass away. It isn't a necessity to have it drawn up though.

 

[Denine]

We are adoptive parents to a wonderful 18 month DD. I was nervous about the homestudy, but it wasn't bad at all. The social worker barely even looked at the house. Mostly we just sat and talked about a lot of things. It wasn't bad at all.

Good Luck!

 

[CEDmom]

Our DD is from China. We adopted her in June 2000 when she was 9 mo old. I'd be happy to answer any questions you have, both now and down the road.

Yes, you are worrying for nothing but it is understandable and I was the same way. Please as you go through the process just remember your social worker, agency etc want to help you become parents. They are on your side.

As long as your house has room to accomodate a child and is violating health or building codes you're fine. Your social worker isn't going to expect the house to be ready to accept a baby tomorrow.

As far as the questions you are asked seperately, your social worker just wants to make sure you both want to adopt and that one of you isn't pressuring the other.

Best of luck and I'm here if you have other questions etc.

 

[CAMICKEY]

The sex questions I mention above were on our questionaires that we had to fill out to even begin the adoption process here in California. I'm sorry if I misled anyone into thinking these were asked during the home visit. - Mike

 

[Micheme]

Wow what a wonderful journey you have ahead of you.

We are leaving SATURDAY for China to pick up our darling daughter Hannah who turned 1 last Monday. Freaking out is my state of mind at this moment.

So to your questions, if i remember the questions you are asked deal with how you communicate as a couple, problem solving, etc. The social worker will also ask you questions about your family life and growing up. Questions about raising a child of a different race and culture and how you will deal with that and how you will incorporate it into your new family.

Your house doesn't have to be immaculate, just clean and inviting. I made cookies for our home visits and i know it was a big hit.

Good luck and if you want any info or a shoulder to lean on pm me. Have you checked out the Yahoo groups there is a great group called a-parents-china.

Micheme

 

[kpgclark]

Congratulations on your trip on Saturday! Please post to let us know how things went and don't forget a picture.

 

[lynetteSC]

we will be in by this time next month if all goes according to plan!

About 5 yrs ago, we were doing fertility treatments ... we knew the next step would be adoption. About the same time, I had a relative who was living in China while her dh worked there. She and several other women in her U.S. community volunteered at an orphanage a few days a month. The stories she emailed home were AMAZING! We just "knew" we had to adopt from China.

Fast forward to the end of last year, we were just about ready to get started with that process (we had to wait until we were 30 ... must be 30 to adopt from China) when a domestic situation kinda fell into our laps. Caught us totally off guard, but everything has fell into place!

We had about 36 hours to get ready for our homestudy! YIKES!!!!!!! Luckily, our social worker is very laid back and easy to get along with. She did give us a lengthy list of questions ... mainly about discipline styles, where would child go to school, those type of things. We really did not have time to get the house spotless (I was actually out of town until the night before she arrived!), but we did the best we could. Everything went really well and now we are looking forward to our visit with her ... the follow up after we bring baby home.

Ok, sorry this is super long!

I LOVED reading the APC boards when we were researching the China adoption. We learned tons of good info!

On another note ... in our nursery we did not do a disney theme ... I think mainly to shock our friends! LOL! However, if you look closely in each corner of the clouds (on the ceiling!) you may spot a hidden mickey!

Ok, I will shut up for now ... just be yourself and keep up posted! You will do great!!!!