Anxiety

[Wendy31]

It's hard for me to come back to this thread. And, OP, I'm sorry for hijacking your thread. But maybe this will give you examples of how people are affected by anxiety in different ways.

I think, yes, parents do & say things they regret... due to anger, frustration, impatience, whatever. It's just part of being a parent. The job is terrifically & exhaustingly hard sometimes. And we try to do the best we can. Even trying the best we can, mistakes are made.

When you get older & have your own kids, you start to understand your own parents a little better & extend a little grace & forgiveness. And I think I have.

My sister was once complaining to me about our mother, & I told her that she had to get to the point in her own life where she started to see our mom, not as a "our mom" but as an adult, a fellow woman, & start to relate to her more on an adult level, if that makes sense. I also told her that she had to let go of the past & realize our mom was never going to be the kind of of mom that you went to for life advice. "Mom, how long do I need to cook this chicken for?" advice, yes. But not any kind of life wisdom. She's not the comforting mom that freely gives out hugs & sweet life lessons. She would be the cliche Tiger Mom, & we're not Asian American.

It's funny. When I saw the posts saying things like, "well, yes, parents say things like that sometimes" & "you've learned how to get over it & deal w/ it as an adult" & "that's the way it was in the 70s & 80s", it doesn't make me mad, & I'm not offended or upset that these things were said. It just confirms "stuff" for me.

I've been a quiet, good little girl my whole life. Straight As. Never any demerits. Rule-follower. And I learned to get over things & not call attention to myself & not cause a scene.

I attended a very small, Christian school w/ a lot of legalistic rules. I learned to a be a people-pleaser. But there was never a day where I wasn't nervous or anxious about something. (And it's interesting to me that 3 of the girls w/ whom I went to school who had similar personalities to mine have all, at one point, ended up in therapy.)

I started getting migraines when I was 7 years old. I was afraid to tell anyone, so I always ended up throwing up. Many times, I'd be sick & not make it to the toilet. And I'd get yelled at for the mess. Anyway, I had migraines for years (still do), but "a fuss" was never made over me. When I was in junior high, my best friend started getting migraines, &, oh, y'all should have seen the fuss & how much attention she got whenever she had a headache. I once spent the night w/ a friend on the same day that our report cards went home. When we got to her house, her mother wanted to see her report card. And, when she saw the As on her daughter's report card, there was such a celebration!! She clapped her hands & threw her arms around her daughter. My report card received a "Good job. Why is Math an A- this quarter though?" When I broke my wrist, I just broke my wrist & life carried on. When others had accidents, it was always more serious & always garnered more attention.

I'm not explaining myself very well. And this all sounds so very much like sour grapes, I know! It's not that I wanted attention. Maybe acknowledgement instead? For someone to see me? To think I was important too?

I guess my anxiety is the same way. (And I know "anxiety" is a current buzz word. Everyone has it. Everyone talks about it now.) I don't talk about it or show it because I don't cause a scene & because I get over it. In others, it's a real thing. W/ me, it's an excuse. Or it feels that way. And, so, when y'all made those comments... it was like, "Well, that's how it's been for me my whole life!" LOL!

And the comments here... I don't know... confuse me & have me questioning myself. Were the things my mom said & did really okay &, deep inside, I'm still filtering it through a child's eyes? I know there are a lot of grown adults who blame their parents for their issues, & I don't want to be that person.

I think I have come to terms w/ it. I'm happily married w/ 3 wonderful children. And I relate to my mother on a different level now.

But I still remember her raging & screaming & crying & throwing things & slamming doors. Little things would just set her off. I remember screeching out the driveway w/ tires squealing & driving really fast & slamming brakes at red lights. One morning, on the way to school, I was sitting in the front seat, & she hit me on the mouth. In some of her rages, I was called "stupid". Once she told me I never should have been born because she never should have been a mother. And, always, later, she'd apologize.

I remember too picnics in the living room & playing board games as a family. She worked a very hard, stressful job for over 40 years & would come home every night & make dinner. She made sure we had clean clothes. She was at every ballgame to watch me cheer, at all my plays & choir performances, & any other special event. She helped at school. She drove us to piano practices. We went on vacations.

She did homework w/ us every night, & we weren't done w/ homework until everything was absolutely correct. I dreaded going over spelling words w/ her. Our papers & reports had to be perfect.

I also remember the Mother's Day I had used my own money to buy her gift. I wrapped it up in several layers of tissue before finally wrapping the outer box. I ended up using a lot of tape. The first thing she said to me, "What a waste! I can't believe you used so much paper & tape."

But, then, I also remember a New Year's Eve, when she fixed a really fancy 4-course dinner for us, & we ate by candlelight.

She also worried a lot & there were lots of things we couldn't do because she was too worried. There's an old Reba McIntyre song that says, "Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk. Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt..." And, when I heard it the first time, I thought, "Oh, that's me & mom."

And, when she became a grandmother, she became a completely different person. I often think she first saw my DD as her 2nd chance. And, for a while, I just let her take over & bond so significantly w/ DD that I was like a leftover person in DD's life. And I regret it now, & I am, I will admit, bitter about it as well.

I could never talk to my mom about any of this. She's very emotionally fragile. When I've ever made any kind of comment, she says, "Well, I'm sorry you think I was such a bad mom."

So, yes, I have come to terms w/ who she is, & who I am. And I love her. In many ways, she was a good mother, I think.

But that doesn't mean that I was not affected. It doesn't mean that my mom's anxiety & other issues didn't affect me &, as hard as it to say, damage me.

And there was one instance when DD was really young, & I was stressed & anxious about something, &, before I could stop myself, I was just screaming. And I remember thinking, "Oh my god. I am my mom. And I will NOT do this to her." And the guilt literally made me sick. I loathed myself.

As I've gotten older, I've actually gotten calmer & more patient w/ my kids. But I still worry so much about what my anxiety has done to them.

 

[Wendy31]

I haven't read through all of the posts so I'm sorry if this was mentioned before!

I have horrible anxiety and depression that, while I'm sure I have had them for a very long time, have just made themselves apparent to those around me and worsened in the last few years. I make myself sick from worrying and overthinking things all the time. One thing that has really helped me, but some people find silly, is my dog. I adopted her about 2 years ago and she LOVES to cuddle. She literally has to be touching you at all times on the couch and in bed. I'm not sure what it is, but her warmth and love and weight around me helps to calm my anxiety better than anything else can. Heck, she is laying on me as I type!

Another thing that helps is a weighted blanket. They are super calming and relaxing and help me a lot.

I have been reading about weighted blankets!

I am very, very anxious on road trips. Busy highways/interstates & traffic are absolutely horrible for me, & my anxiety on the road is getting much, much worse. I'm wondering if a weighted blanket will help in the car.

Oh, & we have a dog! I love him! We also have 2 cats.

One night, I was really feeling panicky & anxious, & I ended up calling DH at work. He told me to find one of our 3 animals & just breathe & pet whichever one I could find.


@TipsyTraveler - Thank you!!

 

[TipsyTraveler]

@TipsyTraveler - Thank you!!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

It's hard for me to come back to this thread. And, OP, I'm sorry for hijacking your thread. But maybe this will give you examples of how people are affected by anxiety in different ways.

I think, yes, parents do & say things they regret... due to anger, frustration, impatience, whatever. It's just part of being a parent. The job is terrifically & exhaustingly hard sometimes. And we try to do the best we can. Even trying the best we can, mistakes are made.

When you get older & have your own kids, you start to understand your own parents a little better & extend a little grace & forgiveness. And I think I have.

My sister was once complaining to me about our mother, & I told her that she had to get to the point in her own life where she started to see our mom, not as a "our mom" but as an adult, a fellow woman, & start to relate to her more on an adult level, if that makes sense. I also told her that she had to let go of the past & realize our mom was never going to be the kind of of mom that you went to for life advice. "Mom, how long do I need to cook this chicken for?" advice, yes. But not any kind of life wisdom. She's not the comforting mom that freely gives out hugs & sweet life lessons. She would be the cliche Tiger Mom, & we're not Asian American.

It's funny. When I saw the posts saying things like, "well, yes, parents say things like that sometimes" & "you've learned how to get over it & deal w/ it as an adult" & "that's the way it was in the 70s & 80s", it doesn't make me mad, & I'm not offended or upset that these things were said. It just confirms "stuff" for me.

I've been a quiet, good little girl my whole life. Straight As. Never any demerits. Rule-follower. And I learned to get over things & not call attention to myself & not cause a scene.

I attended a very small, Christian school w/ a lot of legalistic rules. I learned to a be a people-pleaser. But there was never a day where I wasn't nervous or anxious about something. (And it's interesting to me that 3 of the girls w/ whom I went to school who had similar personalities to mine have all, at one point, ended up in therapy.)

I started getting migraines when I was 7 years old. I was afraid to tell anyone, so I always ended up throwing up. Many times, I'd be sick & not make it to the toilet. And I'd get yelled at for the mess. Anyway, I had migraines for years (still do), but "a fuss" was never made over me. When I was in junior high, my best friend started getting migraines, &, oh, y'all should have seen the fuss & how much attention she got whenever she had a headache. I once spent the night w/ a friend on the same day that our report cards went home. When we got to her house, her mother wanted to see her report card. And, when she saw the As on her daughter's report card, there was such a celebration!! She clapped her hands & threw her arms around her daughter. My report card received a "Good job. Why is Math an A- this quarter though?" When I broke my wrist, I just broke my wrist & life carried on. When others had accidents, it was always more serious & always garnered more attention.

I'm not explaining myself very well. And this all sounds so very much like sour grapes, I know! It's not that I wanted attention. Maybe acknowledgement instead? For someone to see me? To think I was important too?

I guess my anxiety is the same way. (And I know "anxiety" is a current buzz word. Everyone has it. Everyone talks about it now.) I don't talk about it or show it because I don't cause a scene & because I get over it. In others, it's a real thing. W/ me, it's an excuse. Or it feels that way. And, so, when y'all made those comments... it was like, "Well, that's how it's been for me my whole life!" LOL!

And the comments here... I don't know... confuse me & have me questioning myself. Were the things my mom said & did really okay &, deep inside, I'm still filtering it through a child's eyes? I know there are a lot of grown adults who blame their parents for their issues, & I don't want to be that person.

I think I have come to terms w/ it. I'm happily married w/ 3 wonderful children. And I relate to my mother on a different level now.

But I still remember her raging & screaming & crying & throwing things & slamming doors. Little things would just set her off. I remember screeching out the driveway w/ tires squealing & driving really fast & slamming brakes at red lights. One morning, on the way to school, I was sitting in the front seat, & she hit me on the mouth. In some of her rages, I was called "stupid". Once she told me I never should have been born because she never should have been a mother. And, always, later, she'd apologize.

I remember too picnics in the living room & playing board games as a family. She worked a very hard, stressful job for over 40 years & would come home every night & make dinner. She made sure we had clean clothes. She was at every ballgame to watch me cheer, at all my plays & choir performances, & any other special event. She helped at school. She drove us to piano practices. We went on vacations.

She did homework w/ us every night, & we weren't done w/ homework until everything was absolutely correct. I dreaded going over spelling words w/ her. Our papers & reports had to be perfect.

I also remember the Mother's Day I had used my own money to buy her gift. I wrapped it up in several layers of tissue before finally wrapping the outer box. I ended up using a lot of tape. The first thing she said to me, "What a waste! I can't believe you used so much paper & tape."

But, then, I also remember a New Year's Eve, when she fixed a really fancy 4-course dinner for us, & we ate by candlelight.

She also worried a lot & there were lots of things we couldn't do because she was too worried. There's an old Reba McIntyre song that says, "Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk. Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt..." And, when I heard it the first time, I thought, "Oh, that's me & mom."

And, when she became a grandmother, she became a completely different person. I often think she first saw my DD as her 2nd chance. And, for a while, I just let her take over & bond so significantly w/ DD that I was like a leftover person in DD's life. And I regret it now, & I am, I will admit, bitter about it as well.

I could never talk to my mom about any of this. She's very emotionally fragile. When I've ever made any kind of comment, she says, "Well, I'm sorry you think I was such a bad mom."

So, yes, I have come to terms w/ who she is, & who I am. And I love her. In many ways, she was a good mother, I think.

But that doesn't mean that I was not affected. It doesn't mean that my mom's anxiety & other issues didn't affect me &, as hard as it to say, damage me.

And there was one instance when DD was really young, & I was stressed & anxious about something, &, before I could stop myself, I was just screaming. And I remember thinking, "Oh my god. I am my mom. And I will NOT do this to her." And the guilt literally made me sick. I loathed myself.

As I've gotten older, I've actually gotten calmer & more patient w/ my kids. But I still worry so much about what my anxiety has done to them.

Have you ever talked any of this out with a therapist? It sounds like your emotions are mixed. I understand the feeling.

 

[Wendy31]

Have you ever talked any of this out with a therapist? It sounds like your emotions are mixed. I understand the feeling.

No... doctor/hospital phobia. LOL! But, seriously, I'm in my 40s, & I think, for my own inner peace, I have come to a sort of resolution.

I'm not sure my emotions are mixed, but rather my feelings toward my mother are complicated.

Like I said, I do love her. And I realize, now, as an adult, she was dealing w/ the stresses of being a wife & mother & working full-time in addition to dealing w/ her own mental issues.

Anxiety often manifests as anger. And I get that now.

But still, being told by your mother that she wishes you'd never been born or being worried that you'll be the cause of your mother wrapping her car around a tree wounds, & those words wound deeply.

People can get angry, but they should still be responsible for the things they say, even when angry.

W/ my own children, I have been very, very careful. They have never heard & will never hear anything like that from me. I'm a perfectionist, but I've stepped back & have tried very hard to let my children learn and grow & develop at their own pace & w/ their own interests. I hug them & love them, & I hope they know how proud I am of them & how special & amazing they are to me. I tell them, & I try to show them as well.

My initial reply to the OP was because I'm glad she's acknowledging her DD's anxiety & helping her find the proper tools & ways to cope. That's a good thing. And it's something I've learned on my own - which isn't a bad thing. But it's always good to have support & understanding.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

No... doctor/hospital phobia. LOL! But, seriously, I'm in my 40s, & I think, for my own inner peace, I have come to a sort of resolution.

I'm not sure my emotions are mixed, but rather my feelings toward my mother are complicated.

Like I said, I do love her. And I realize, now, as an adult, she was dealing w/ the stresses of being a wife & mother & working full-time in addition to dealing w/ her own mental issues.

Anxiety often manifests as anger. And I get that now.

But still, being told by your mother that she wishes you'd never been born or being worried that you'll be the cause of your mother wrapping her car around a tree wounds, & those words wound deeply.

People can get angry, but they should still be responsible for the things they say, even when angry.

W/ my own children, I have been very, very careful. They have never heard & will never hear anything like that from me. I'm a perfectionist, but I've stepped back & have tried very hard to let my children learn and grow & develop at their own pace & w/ their own interests. I hug them & love them, & I hope they know how proud I am of them & how special & amazing they are to me. I tell them, & I try to show them as well.

My initial reply to the OP was because I'm glad she's acknowledging her DD's anxiety & helping her find the proper tools & ways to cope. That's a good thing. And it's something I've learned on my own - which isn't a bad thing. But it's always good to have support & understanding.

I thought this article might be insightful for you.

http://www.extension.umn.edu/family/cyfc/our-programs/ereview/docs/parental-stress-2015.pdf

 

[yoopermom]

While purchased weighted blankets are great, you can "make do" with what you have, also. When I was in the hospital and extremely stressed last year, DH brought my favorite lap blanket from home (which happens to be Amish made from blue jeans, so very heavy) and he literally "swaddled" me from head to waist in it, it was absolutely the only way I could sleep the first few nights.

I also have the hound in my photo who thinks he's a living weighted blanket, and will literally come and drape himself over me if I'm distressed, it's amazing....

Terri

 

[Domo]

I always regard mental illnesses as a broken arm. People say, snap out of it. Can you snap out of a broken arm?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Many great stories here. And yes a support thread would be great considering I think I am going to be in trial by fire in 2 months. It is going to be tough.

Bottom line, never stop trying. Put in the work.

Just by opening up here, there are healing hugs and understanding. It is great isn't it?

After dealing with much mental illness in my family over 30yrs, NO ONE is "the same". What works for one person does not work with others.

A word about counseling. It is very tough to do it. At points in life it may be necessary. Allow yourself to go if you know you need it.

HUGS to everyone and have a GREAT fall day. It is gorgeous here in Missouri. I am working on getting this house on the market.

 

[sam_gordon]

Those of you who have mentioned how pets help... what happens if you have a panic attack and the animal is not around?

DD is convinced a dog will help her anxiety. But she's living in a college dorm (apparently Disability Services will allow her a dog, I don't know if she needs to change rooms). DW and I are trying to convince her to try the breathing exercises, the 5-4-3-2-1 "trick", talk more to a counselor (again, she's had two meetings), but she is dead set on this dog. I just don't think a pet should be the first line of defense for a college sophomore.

 

[dosekies]

Those of you who have mentioned how pets help... what happens if you have a panic attack and the animal is not around?

DD is convinced a dog will help her anxiety. But she's living in a college dorm (apparently Disability Services will allow her a dog, I don't know if she needs to change rooms). DW and I are trying to convince her to try the breathing exercises, the 5-4-3-2-1 "trick", talk more to a counselor (again, she's had two meetings), but she is dead set on this dog. I just don't think a pet should be the first line of defense for a college sophomore.

I completely agree with you that the dog shouldn't be her first line of offense. Personally, I am learning how to use other methods (talking, breathing, etc.) when I am not at home. I am lucky where I haven't had a bad panic attack, I just get really bad general anxiety about everything. If I am at work or somewhere else, I may close my eyes and breathe or go somewhere to take a moment to myself. Anything to try and calm down at least a little bit. After that, coming home to my dog is just the icing on the cake. Getting home to her means I can let it all out, relax, and just focus on her. I find that knowing how she relies on me to take care of her helps a lot (though I think that helps a lot more with my depression than my anxiety).

I would definitely continue trying to help your DD with other ways to manage her anxiety, but don't rule out the dog!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Those of you who have mentioned how pets help... what happens if you have a panic attack and the animal is not around?

DD is convinced a dog will help her anxiety. But she's living in a college dorm (apparently Disability Services will allow her a dog, I don't know if she needs to change rooms). DW and I are trying to convince her to try the breathing exercises, the 5-4-3-2-1 "trick", talk more to a counselor (again, she's had two meetings), but she is dead set on this dog. I just don't think a pet should be the first line of defense for a college sophomore.

I'm going to attempt to weigh in a little bit on this, but I just want to ask you first if your family (which includes your DD) has had a dog before?

 

[Snowflakey]

THANK YOU EVERYONE - I am completely blown away with the response my thread has gotten. As I sit here and read each response I send out a little prayer for each of you. Your knowledge, wisdom, fight is truly touching. Some of your stories make me want to give you a hug.

One of you mentioned your dog being a safety for you. Interesting as our golden retriever died unexpectedly in January. No signs she was sick and when we did experience the sign and rushed her to the emergency vet she didn't come home with us. We have not yet replaced her but she was my DD's world.

Wendy31 - you are not hijacking my thread at all. I'm happy people are able to discuss what they are going through. I have to say, throughout all of your anxiety and past experience with your mother you are a very strong person. Your understanding of your mother, your past and how you live in the now is commendable. Your family is very lucky to have you. Throughout all of your hardships you are doing an amazing job. Be proud of the woman you are. I am.

DD started to have anxiety raise its ugly head last night before she went to bed. I can tell now because her cheeks get really red and she feels warm. She said her legs were weak feeling (which she has said before) and I sat on her bed with her and rubbed them. I kept repeating that she is ok, she will be ok and she can beat this. We started talking about things and after a few minutes it had passed. Like many have said, it is so strange when they decide to present themselves. Here she was all relaxed before bedtime....

 

[Art08]

Hello friends. Hoping some of you may be able to give some pointers on dealing with anxiety. This is for my DD. This all just started this summer. Well, I'm sure she has had it all her life but the anxiety attacks have started. She is 21. Out of the blue she is getting these episodes. Feel sick, hot, like she may pass out, worrying, etc. Happens at times when she is happy. It seems to go hand in hand when she starts to think about not feeling good (has a headache). She has seen her primary doctor who said it is anxiety and I agree.

She is in control as much as she can be. She knows it is her mind and that nothing can happen. However it still gets the best of her at times leaving her wiped out once it is done. She has had about 4 episodes - but I see her now worrying about things she never has. This morning she texted me saying "my legs are weak should I not go to work". She has never done this before and it breaks my heart.

I have no experience with this at all. I am her "safety" as we are very close. She has been in a relationship for almost 6 years now. They get along great however he is gone now for 3 months and I'm thinking this could be some of her anxiety - just not having him home.

I am in the process of making an appointment for her to speak to someone who specializes in anxiety.

I've talked about her breathing while an episode is happening. I guess is there anything else I can do or suggest? Someone suggested taking Natures Tonic - it dissolves under the tongue when you feel an attack coming on.

Thank you in advance for your suggestions!

I've had panic attacks since I was 17. I think stress triggered my illness, but over the years including therapy it's gotten better to where I can work and travel. What helps me is knowing that no matter what, I am in control and anxiety won't kill me. It's terrifying though when your mind is trying to tell you otherwise.

Also having water helps me for some reason, therapy is a huge plus, and exposure. Breathing can work wonders, and sometimes if my attacks are bad I just have to let them ride through as scared as I am. Also reassuring your daughter that you're there for her, and you're always there to listen or just to offer a hug is good too.

I also get anxiety when my husband has to be away, if possible if he wears a certain cologne can she spray it on a pillow or teddy bear? Also calling him and texting might help.

 

[sam_gordon]

I would definitely continue trying to help your DD with other ways to manage her anxiety, but don't rule out the dog!

We don't want to rule out the dog if it will definitely help. DW and I just have a LOT of questions about the logistics (special dorm room, added cost, taking care of while in classes, etc).

I'm going to attempt to weigh in a little bit on this, but I just want to ask you first if your family (which includes your DD) has had a dog before?

We have not. We have been a cat household since before DD was born. Which also has us concerned. If/when she comes home (breaks, visit, etc), we're not sure how a dog would do with the two cats we have (and vice versa).

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Those of you who have mentioned how pets help... what happens if you have a panic attack and the animal is not around?

DD is convinced a dog will help her anxiety. But she's living in a college dorm (apparently Disability Services will allow her a dog, I don't know if she needs to change rooms). DW and I are trying to convince her to try the breathing exercises, the 5-4-3-2-1 "trick", talk more to a counselor (again, she's had two meetings), but she is dead set on this dog. I just don't think a pet should be the first line of defense for a college sophomore.

A good tip to give you here is when you speak with her use "manage" instead of "help" in the conversation. It makes a difference in how you talk & think about it.

Will a dog help, probably. However a dog will bring it's own set of anxiety with it. If she has never had a dog, I would be against it period until she is moved out of the dorms. That would be WAY to much for anyone.

Disability services is something she should look into if she has not already. PITA however it can help with things like absences. My younger dd is going back after being on medical leave for 2 semesters in Jan.

The breathing. I can say that my youngest dd uses breathing and it does help her. However she has had 6 YRS of therapy and really works hard on herself everyday.

As far as the rest of the crowd, they will not do the breathing. They refuse to do it in fact. That is called RIGIDITY. It is a new buzzword I learned last yr. Worth reading up on if you have never heard of it.

I would encourage you to find a therapist that does biofeedback, which is breathing, but it is a different kind of breathing. And you do it when you are NOT in panic mode. It is like a combo of meditation and anxiety breathing. I do it.

What this does is bring down your cortisol levels, which brings down that "fight or flight" mode you are in. It is VERY successful as a management tool with anxiety.

 

[sam_gordon]

A good tip to give you here is when you speak with her use "manage" instead of "help" in the conversation. It makes a difference in how you talk & think about it.

Will a dog help, probably. However a dog will bring it's own set of anxiety with it. If she has never had a dog, I would be against it period until she is moved out of the dorms. That would be WAY to much for anyone.

Disability services is something she should look into if she has not already. PITA however it can help with things like absences. My younger dd is going back after being on medical leave for 2 semesters in Jan.

The breathing. I can say that my youngest dd uses breathing and it does help her. However she has had 6 YRS of therapy and really works hard on herself everyday.

As far as the rest of the crowd, they will not do the breathing. They refuse to do it in fact. That is called RIGIDITY. It is a new buzzword I learned last yr. Worth reading up on if you have never heard of it.

I would encourage you to find a therapist that does biofeedback, which is breathing, but it is a different kind of breathing. And you do it when you are NOT in panic mode. It is like a combo of meditation and anxiety breathing. I do it.

What this does is bring down your cortisol levels, which brings down that "fight or flight" mode you are in. It is VERY successful as a management tool with anxiety.

Thank you. She's been to Disability services to see if she can get a room that allows her to keep a dog. They signed off it. DW and I are just trying to think of potential issues to having a dog, but DD says she and her BF have "thought of everything". We're trying to encourage her to continue seeing a counselor (don't know if she'll listen or not).

 

[wgeo]

Thank you. She's been to Disability services to see if she can get a room that allows her to keep a dog. They signed off it. DW and I are just trying to think of potential issues to having a dog, but DD says she and her BF have "thought of everything". We're trying to encourage her to continue seeing a counselor (don't know if she'll listen or not).

In my opinion a dog shouldn't be the first option. Not to mention the amount of work to properly train her and the dog to work with each other, but there is significant costs to properly caring for the dog and a decent time committment in caring for the dog - that would be a challenge to a college student - in my opinion. Also - if this is the first thing she's tried - what happens when the dog isn't around? I feel like she should work on skills that help her manage it on her own first, and then possibly get a dog as an extra tool to assist her - not as the only tool.

My personal issues in college tended more to depression than anxiety, but I feel like the skills I used to learn to help myself cope have gotten me far in life. Having said that - I am a huge dog person and think they can be incredibly helpful and calming, I just wouldn't use the dog as a first step.

 

[Christine]

Thank you. She's been to Disability services to see if she can get a room that allows her to keep a dog. They signed off it. DW and I are just trying to think of potential issues to having a dog, but DD says she and her BF have "thought of everything". We're trying to encourage her to continue seeing a counselor (don't know if she'll listen or not).

My son's housemate at college has a therapy dog for, most likely, anxiety. It's definitely for some sort of emotional support. From my son's point of view, the proper care of the dog has been an issue for the owner of the dog and has certainly added stress to her, but I guess it helps in other ways.

My son is a bit concerned for the dog at times because it is so cooped up in a small room all the time, but I suppose they are trained to deal with any situation.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

We have not. We have been a cat household since before DD was born. Which also has us concerned. If/when she comes home (breaks, visit, etc), we're not sure how a dog would do with the two cats we have (and vice versa).

Ok, thanks. Well The Mystery Machine (TMM) hit on one of the main points I wanted to point out also, which is that having a dog can bring its own set of anxieties, and I would say especially if you're inexperienced with a dog. It's like having a child in that it's a living being that's completely dependent on you. And like a child, the dog has needs which must (ethically and legally) be fulfilled by its owner, such as toileting, feeding, sheltering, medical care, training and socializing, learning how to "dog parent", etc. It's a lot of work for anyone, let alone a college student living in a dorm. It's not that I don't think it can be done successfully, but I think the student has to be set up for success, which takes a lot of planning and thought, as well as the right type of dog. One of the major lessons I learned from our long time trainer - and our own experiences - is that people have to have a dog that's right for them. Not just any dog, mind you - one that actually fits in well with the personality and lifestyle of its owner, in order for there to be a harmonious experience for all. I mean, sure, it's possible to have a dog that's not a good fit. But honestly, that's part of why shelters are full. People just can't deal with some of the problems that come along with having a dog that is high maintenance. And there can be oh-so-many ways a dog can be high maintenance! Barking, chewing, digging, slobbering, peeing and pooping where they're not supposed to, biting, wanting to play or demanding attention, being aggressive towards people or other animals, running away, getting hit by a car, illness or injury, worms/fleas/ticks, veterinary bills, etc. Dogs take a lot of time and attention to have one that's well behaved - unless you're super lucky. But even then, they still are a lot of work. I've had a lot of people say to me, "Wow, you're so lucky your dog is so well behaved", but they have no idea how much time I've put into it! (Basically a lifetime!) Some of my dogs have been high maintenance and it's been really difficult to deal with them, even for me. (Right, TMM? Lol, we've discussed this for years!)

So I sort of agree with TMM that having a dog while living in a dorm might be difficult. If she was living at home, it might be a different story, but as you say, you still have the matter of the cats. (Thinking here of so many dogs I know or have known over the years who came to families through their college aged kids, including one in my DH's family who I had a particular fondness for who was there when I first met DH - SIL had "rescued" her while at college and naturally she came home at some point and stayed. Ironically enough, SIL's own daughter did the same thing to her but that dog's been kind of a nightmare, lol - but I digress...) I certainly DO think there are LOTS of benefits to having a dog when it's a good situation. Yes, I will attest to that, for sure. And I'm sure the right dog would be a great comfort to your DD. It's just a matter of, are the circumstances right in order for there to be success. I don't know all that much about how it works having dogs on campus today. But - and you'll appreciate this being a sports parent, too - DS20 spent this past summer in a dorm playing his collegiate sport out of state. All of the other players were away from home, too. And sure enough, two of them acquired puppies during their time there. And yes, it was like a big "therapy" to all these young men (who were all a little homesick as well as putting in grueling days). DS sent me pics of the puppies laying on his bed with him, and I saw the comfort it brought to him as he's a huge lover of dogs! He asked about getting one, too, and I was like NOOOOO!!! Lol. But he enjoyed theirs. (And yes, the dogs went home with them.) But I also heard about all the "problems" there were with the puppies, and just shook my head. (I won't get into them here but you can imagine!) I did observe how they cared for the dogs and usually a girlfriend or friend had the dog and they seemed well cared for. (Of course I had to get some pats in, too!) So that is my little bit of experience, but again, it was a summer program and not during the school year. I did imagine how it would be with trying to do projects or study for exams and thought that would add a whole other element of stress, but I do think from seeing how much everyone loved the dogs that having a dog in a dorm can be a good thing for lots of students there who enjoy dogs; it might even become a type of "community" thing. But I don't know exactly how it works and I do suspect that not everyone will be happy with having a dog there, so there could be a little bit of having to deal with disapproval, as well (although the enthusiasm may make up for it). I always recommend a book called "Good Owners, Great Dogs" for new dog owners. You can almost always find copies at places like Savers and used book stores, but they also have it at the library or on Amazon. It will give you and your DD a good picture of how to have a successful experience with a dog. I imagine there are probably new publications out that address issues of dorm (or other atypical) life specifically now, as well.