Anxiety

[amberpi]

No... doctor/hospital phobia..

My therapist's office is in an a traditional office building and smells and is decorated like an upscale spa with water features and everything. I HATE doctors, but have to go now - since that whole brain thing, but my therapist doesn't bother me at all. It could really help and truly, it's not doctor-y at all

But sending good thoughts to all who struggle.

 

[sam_gordon]

Ok, thanks. Well The Mystery Machine (TMM) hit on one of the main points I wanted to point out also, which is that having a dog can bring its own set of anxieties, and I would say especially if you're inexperienced with a dog. It's like having a child in that it's a living being that's completely dependent on you. And like a child, the dog has needs which must (ethically and legally) be fulfilled by its owner, such as toileting, feeding, sheltering, medical care, training and socializing, learning how to "dog parent", etc. It's a lot of work for anyone, let alone a college student living in a dorm. It's not that I don't think it can be done successfully, but I think the student has to be set up for success, which takes a lot of planning and thought, as well as the right type of dog. One of the major lessons I learned from our long time trainer - and our own experiences - is that people have to have a dog that's right for them. Not just any dog, mind you - one that actually fits in well with the personality and lifestyle of its owner, in order for there to be a harmonious experience for all. I mean, sure, it's possible to have a dog that's not a good fit. But honestly, that's part of why shelters are full. People just can't deal with some of the problems that come along with having a dog that is high maintenance. And there can be oh-so-many ways a dog can be high maintenance! Barking, chewing, digging, slobbering, peeing and pooping where they're not supposed to, biting, wanting to play or demanding attention, being aggressive towards people or other animals, running away, getting hit by a car, illness or injury, worms/fleas/ticks, veterinary bills, etc. Dogs take a lot of time and attention to have one that's well behaved - unless you're super lucky. But even then, they still are a lot of work. I've had a lot of people say to me, "Wow, you're so lucky your dog is so well behaved", but they have no idea how much time I've put into it! (Basically a lifetime!) Some of my dogs have been high maintenance and it's been really difficult to deal with them, even for me. (Right, TMM? Lol, we've discussed this for years!)

So I sort of agree with TMM that having a dog while living in a dorm might be difficult. If she was living at home, it might be a different story, but as you say, you still have the matter of the cats. (Thinking here of so many dogs I know or have known over the years who came to families through their college aged kids, including one in my DH's family who I had a particular fondness for who was there when I first met DH - SIL had "rescued" her while at college and naturally she came home at some point and stayed. Ironically enough, SIL's own daughter did the same thing to her but that dog's been kind of a nightmare, lol - but I digress...) I certainly DO think there are LOTS of benefits to having a dog when it's a good situation. Yes, I will attest to that, for sure. And I'm sure the right dog would be a great comfort to your DD. It's just a matter of, are the circumstances right in order for there to be success. I don't know all that much about how it works having dogs on campus today. But - and you'll appreciate this being a sports parent, too - DS20 spent this past summer in a dorm playing his collegiate sport out of state. All of the other players were away from home, too. And sure enough, two of them acquired puppies during their time there. And yes, it was like a big "therapy" to all these young men (who were all a little homesick as well as putting in grueling days). DS sent me pics of the puppies laying on his bed with him, and I saw the comfort it brought to him as he's a huge lover of dogs! He asked about getting one, too, and I was like NOOOOO!!! Lol. But he enjoyed theirs. (And yes, the dogs went home with them.) But I also heard about all the "problems" there were with the puppies, and just shook my head. (I won't get into them here but you can imagine!) I did observe how they cared for the dogs and usually a girlfriend or friend had the dog and they seemed well cared for. (Of course I had to get some pats in, too!) So that is my little bit of experience, but again, it was a summer program and not during the school year. I did imagine how it would be with trying to do projects or study for exams and thought that would add a whole other element of stress, but I do think from seeing how much everyone loved the dogs that having a dog in a dorm can be a good thing for lots of students there who enjoy dogs; it might even become a type of "community" thing. But I don't know exactly how it works and I do suspect that not everyone will be happy with having a dog there, so there could be a little bit of having to deal with disapproval, as well (although the enthusiasm may make up for it). I always recommend a book called "Good Owners, Great Dogs" for new dog owners. You can almost always find copies at places like Savers and used book stores, but they also have it at the library or on Amazon. It will give you and your DD a good picture of how to have a successful experience with a dog. I imagine there are probably new publications out that address issues of dorm (or other atypical) life specifically now, as well.

I do appreciate it. DW is convinced that now that Disability Services has given permission for DD to have a dog on campus (whatever doctor DD went to for anxiety wrote a prescription for a dog or something like that), DD is going to go this weekend to pick one out. Again, if it truly helped manage her anxiety, we're all for that. DW and I are worried about the additional stress on top of college (and hopefully work during summer break) having a dog will put on her and are trying to just get her to slow down and think this through. I get the feeling DD believes "I'm going to get this dog and my problems are solved!" Of course, she's 19 years old and has already thought of everything.

Thanks again.

ETA: This has all come down within the last two weeks. She's had anxiety attacks earlier in the year but just went to a doctor/counselor within the last couple weeks.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I do appreciate it. DW is convinced that now that Disability Services has given permission for DD to have a dog on campus (whatever doctor DD went to for anxiety wrote a prescription for a dog or something like that), DD is going to go this weekend to pick one out. Again, if it truly helped manage her anxiety, we're all for that. DW and I are worried about the additional stress on top of college (and hopefully work during summer break) having a dog will put on her and are trying to just get her to slow down and think this through. I get the feeling DD believes "I'm going to get this dog and my problems are solved!" Of course, she's 19 years old and has already thought of everything.

Thanks again.

ETA: This has all come down within the last two weeks. She's had anxiety attacks earlier in the year but just went to a doctor/counselor within the last couple weeks.

Again, I think your highest success rates are going to occur when you're all really well prepared, and that may take a while. It's not something I'd rush into. Shelters are going to question you a LOT about preparation, because they feel that dogs there have already been given up and/or passed around and they want to try to prevent that from happening again, for the dog's sake. (Which is their job, or their concern.) I can barely get a response from shelters myself sometimes and I'm like an ideal owner. I think it's also worthwhile to help your DD work on other forms of stress reduction in the meantime. If it's meant to be, it will happen. But getting a dog really shouldn't be an "impulse purchase". (Although I do appreciate you're trying to help your daughter!) I do wish you all the best of luck, whatever you choose.

 

[sam_gordon]

Again, I think your highest success rates are going to occur when you're all really well prepared, and that may take a while. It's not something I'd rush into. Shelters are going to question you a LOT about preparation, because they feel that dogs there have already been given up and/or passed around and they want to try to prevent that from happening again, for the dog's sake. (Which is their job, or their concern.) I can barely get a response from shelters myself sometimes and I'm like an ideal owner. I think it's also worthwhile to help your DD work on other forms of stress reduction in the meantime. If it's meant to be, it will happen. But getting a dog really shouldn't be an "impulse purchase". (Although I do appreciate you're trying to help your daughter!) I do wish you all the best of luck, whatever you choose.

Totally agree 100%! DW & my concerns seem to be falling on deaf ears though.

 

[gillep]

To echo another poster, therapy was, and is, hard, it is difficult to confront yourself, and see yourself in a different (maybe not so fantastic) light, but it is truly the best thing that I have done for myself and my relationships. Not only has my anxiety been helped, but I have been able to get perspective on different relationships, and people, and I have been able to approach relationships and situations in a completely different manner (I had a lot of rigidity in my thought processes lol, things were either black or white, and I was stuck in those thoughts). I wanted to quit about a million times, I cannot tell you how many times I wanted to cancel appointments the day before, but I stuck through it, and really feel like I gained so much from the time and work that I put in. I still go occasionally, but it is a different now, more like maintenance, than it was when I first started.

My therapist's office is also nothing like a doctor's office, it is in a corporate building with accountants and lawyers' offices and thankfully doesn't have that doctor's office 'smell' (I don't mind the doctor actually, but it certainly is not my favorite experience, and thankfully is nothing like the therapist's office).

I love my dog, and he is certainly a source of comfort, but the skills that I have gained in therapy are certainly more useful, for me. I also have quite a bit of anxiety around my dog (he is probably the thing I have the most anxiety over these days). I am a wreck when he is sick or hurt, although maybe that's normal.

There are certainly many different approaches that work for different people, and it is such a great relief when you find the one that helps you.

 

[SharonZ]

I thought I was having panic attacks, complete with a racing heart. I went to the ER with a heart rate of 220, turns out that I had electrical problem with my heart. OP, I think it's great that you are supportive of your daughter and are trying to help her. IMO she's an adult, she's been in an adult relationship for quite a while, and probably is experiencing some anxiety with him being away. I would let her schedule the appointment herself, and get the required treatment that she needs on her own, but still continue to be supportive.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My therapist's office is in an a traditional office building and smells and is decorated like an upscale spa with water features and everything. I HATE doctors, but have to go now - since that whole brain thing, but my therapist doesn't bother me at all. It could really help and truly, it's not doctor-y at all

But sending good thoughts to all who struggle.

Many therapists offices I have been to with younger dd have been in settings that you would see in a zombie apocalypse. It had water features in an enclosed atrium. Most of them were in old creepy buildings. It was our running joke.

She recently saw a therapist and that was a weird design in an old building. Not creepy, just has that abandon feel to it.

 

[amberpi]

Many therapists offices I have been to with younger dd have been in settings that you would see in a zombie apocalypse. Most of them were in old creepy buildings. It was our running joke.

She recently saw a therapist and that was a weird design in an old building. Not creepy, just has that abandon feel to it.

Weird, I've been to a couple before I found one I "clicked" with and they were all in places with very posh decor and regular office settings, like next to title companies and attorney firms. All of them seemed to have some aroma therapy thing happening and those quiet noise makers, its a very calming experience. I think I wouldn't have liked it and kept going if it'd been clinical feeling. Every one of those guys were private pay only, and cost a bundle, so since I was paying so darn much, they better be able to afford to light some smelly candles, etc.!

 

[wgeo]

Can I ask - for those that regularly see a therapist - how often do you go? DH has talked about it and we think it may be a good thing, but the cost/time involved is a factor. I was curious how frequent the visits tended to be.

 

[amberpi]

Can I ask - for those that regularly see a therapist - how often do you go? DH has talked about it and we think it may be a good thing, but the cost/time involved is a factor. I was curious how frequent the visits tended to be.

I started at once a week when my anxiety was at its worst. Then went down, then I had to cope with an additional issue that was pretty singular I went back to once a week and now I go roughly once every 2-3 weeks, more like 3. I've had friends who went more, but once a week was enough for me to make progress, but also process what we covered in therapy.

 

[gillep]

Can I ask - for those that regularly see a therapist - how often do you go? DH has talked about it and we think it may be a good thing, but the cost/time involved is a factor. I was curious how frequent the visits tended to be.

I started at an hour once per week, then went to one hour every other week, to once per month. It takes more work, but I have been able to find therapists that work evenings or weekends. It definitely helps if you can private pay and then submit the superbill for insurance reimbursement later (this obviously has more of a financial impact up front), as it can be more difficult to find therapists that are in-network and have flexible hours and you click with.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

It sounds like Wendy is one big ball of anxiety and, in her own words, it did "a lot of damage to [her] psyche."

But you are when you say... <-- this right here

Nah. I'll make plenty of parenting mistakes as every parent does, but I'm certain I'll never be vicious enough to say something that horrid to my child. One, it's not in my nature and, two, that's not the kind of thing that would even accidentally slip out of a mentally stable person's mouth.

I have to say, I don't like what you said about Wendy, and I find it ironic given what you said next.

I don't think you were vicious, but I do think it was mean-spirited to say something like that about her, especially when she was hurting and vulnerable last night.

People can take those words to heart. She's not that at all. She suffers from anxiety. There's a big difference.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I have to say, I don't like what you said about Wendy, and I find it ironic given what you said next.

I don't think you were vicious, but I do think it was mean-spirited to say something like that about her, especially when she was hurting and vulnerable last night.

People can take those words to heart. She's not that at all. She suffers from anxiety. There's a big difference.

You "don't like" what I said about her? Huh? I said she sounds like she's being eaten up by anxiety. There's nothing mean-spirited about recognizing that, particularly when that person has already owned up to the fact that she struggles with it. Don't try to spin this like I'm name-calling or denigrating her in some way. Her posts are heartbreaking, and the whole reason I'm on this thread (just like everyone else) is because I have firsthand experience with anxiety and I'm trying to lend support for those still in the thick of it. Saying she's a ball of anxiety is not even in the same league as a parent poisoning their child's mind to believe they should carry the blame in the event of the parent's death and I can't believe you'd even try to tie those two things together. But maybe I just take that type of abuse more seriously than you do because as far as I'm concerned, no amount of "mom stress" could ever justify or excuse a parent saying something so damaging to their child. YMMV.

 

[charming23]

Can I ask - for those that regularly see a therapist - how often do you go? DH has talked about it and we think it may be a good thing, but the cost/time involved is a factor. I was curious how frequent the visits tended to be.

I went once a week for about 2 months. Now I go every other week and we are looking at once a month soon. It all depends on the severity and progress.

 

[HeatherC]

Have you tried a B Complex vitamin for a few weeks? It honestly has helped me a great deal and was recommended by my doctor. It can't hurt her and is worth trying before getting a dog or starting therapy, etc..

I am NOT saying it will fix it or that a dog or therapy is not right. I'm just offering a suggestion that is relatively cheap and benign and may actually help with no large costs or commitments associated with it.
It may be worth a shot.


I wish you all the best!!

 

[Snowflakey]

I thought I was having panic attacks, complete with a racing heart. I went to the ER with a heart rate of 220, turns out that I had electrical problem with my heart. OP, I think it's great that you are supportive of your daughter and are trying to help her. IMO she's an adult, she's been in an adult relationship for quite a while, and probably is experiencing some anxiety with him being away. I would let her schedule the appointment herself, and get the required treatment that she needs on her own, but still continue to be supportive.

She is scheduling the appointment on her own. I'm just there for support.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You "don't like" what I said about her? Huh? I said she sounds like she's being eaten up by anxiety. There's nothing mean-spirited about recognizing that, particularly when that person has already owned up to the fact that she struggles with it. Don't try to spin this like I'm name-calling or denigrating her in some way. Her posts are heartbreaking, and the whole reason I'm on this thread (just like everyone else) is because I have firsthand experience with anxiety and I'm trying to lend support for those still in the thick of it. Saying she's a ball of anxiety is not even in the same league as a parent poisoning their child's mind to believe they should carry the blame in the event of the parent's death and I can't believe you'd even try to tie those two things together. But maybe I just take that type of abuse more seriously than you do because as far as I'm concerned, no amount of "mom stress" could ever justify or excuse a parent saying something so damaging to their child. YMMV.

I know you mean well and are shocked by the things you are reading. It is not easy for us to talk about this here. No one is justifying or excusing her mother's words. Sometimes anxiety is usually just an aspect of a larger mental illness picture.

We are discussing what to do moving forward. I wake up everyday of my life walking that path. It is tough.

I really could use some support as well as others here on this board. I am going to be trial by fire in a couple of weeks.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I know you mean well and are shocked by the things you are reading. It is not easy for us to talk about this here. No one is justifying or excusing her mother's words. Sometimes anxiety is usually just an aspect of a larger mental illness picture.

We are discussing what to do moving forward. I wake up everyday of my life walking that path. It is tough.

I really could use some support as well as others here on this board. I am going to be trial by fire in a couple of weeks.

I did not mean to disrupt the thread. I just think that people have a responsibility to choose their words carefully when they're working with people who are upset and vulnerable, even if it's here, on a discussion board, because we never know the reaction the person we're talking to will have, and we really can't follow up on it too well when we don't actually see or talk to that person, kwim? In this case we were talking about someone who was actually hurt by words, so I was was worried about how that poster might react, especially where she'd specifically referred to the fact that she was crying and had trouble coming back to this thread, etc. Note that I'm not saying that issues shouldn't be addressed - I think they should. I'm just saying that - if this is to be a support thread, they should ideally be addressed with some level of sensitivity. Not all posters will post sensitively here, but it doesn't mean we can't call them out on it. As the originator of the breast cancer support thread here, which is over twelve years old, I know all too well that people posting here asking for help or looking for support may well be in a very vulnerable state.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I know you mean well and are shocked by the things you are reading. It is not easy for us to talk about this here. No one is justifying or excusing her mother's words. Sometimes anxiety is usually just an aspect of a larger mental illness picture.

We are discussing what to do moving forward. I wake up everyday of my life walking that path. It is tough.

I really could use some support as well as others here on this board. I am going to be trial by fire in a couple of weeks.

You're right that these topics can be difficult for some people to discuss, so when Wendy opened up about her childhood abuse and, instead of receiving validation and support, the PP minimized it and brushed it off as "moms have it tough sometimes!" Well... It's got me, admittedly, feeling bristly on Wendy's behalf. It is never, under any circumstances, okay for a parent to say what Wendy's mom said and anyone who responds to that statement with comments about "understanding how hard it is to be a mom" is making excuses for it. For the PP to carry it a step further and then imply that I, too, will one day abuse my own child as a result of being a stressed out mom is beyond the pale.

I do hope this thread can serve as a place of support and I wish you and your children the best as you face your upcoming challenges.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I did not mean to disrupt the thread. I just think that people have a responsibility to choose their words carefully when they're working with people who are upset and vulnerable, even if it's here, on a discussion board, because we never know the reaction the person we're talking to will have, and we really can't follow up on it too well when we don't actually see or talk to that person, kwim? In this case we were talking about someone who was actually hurt by words, so I was was worried about how that poster might react, especially where she'd specifically referred to the fact that she was crying and had trouble coming back to this thread, etc. Note that I'm not saying that issues shouldn't be addressed - I think they should. I'm just saying that - if this is to be a support thread, they should ideally be addressed with some level of sensitivity. Not all posters will post sensitively here, but it doesn't mean we can't call them out on it. As the originator of the breast cancer support thread here, which is over twelve years old, I know all too well that people posting here asking for help or looking for support may well be in a very vulnerable state.

Exactly. Which is why your dismissive response to Wendy's childhood experiences was so disappointing to me.