Another wedding dilemma..need some advice..

[Dax]

Ok, a bit of a back story..

When I was 18, I moved out of my house. Long story short, my mother and I just were not getting along very well, and we butted heads pretty seriously, over a boy of all things. Well when I moved out, she decided to tell my brother, who is 7years younger than myself, that I moved out because I did not love him anymore. Sick I know..but she did. Over the past 13 or so years, we have tried to reconcile, but it never really works. I have not spoken with my mother now in over 4 yrs. I also had no contact with my brother. Through family members, I did manage to get a hold of his email, and I have since started emailing him again.

Well in talking to him, he is living in Virginia, Virginia Beach I believe, and he is the head chef of a restaurant there. He is also engaged to be married, to his pastry chef..LOL..

Well the wedding is in April, in VA. He REALLY wants me to come, as the last time I saw him, he was in middle school. Its been WAY to long.

What I am worried about, is the mom factor. Honestly, at this point in my life, I do not have the energy to deal with her, or her nasty comments about my choices in life. I want to be there to support my brother, but I also do not want to be seated anywhere near her..I also do not want to start issues with them trying to get wedding prep done.

So I am at a crossroads. I am not sure what to do. I want the wedding to be a joyous occasion, but the constant worry of my mother is a major factor.

So I am looking to the people here for advice. Please no you should reconcile with your mom posts..I am WAY past that, and have been hurt WAY to many times. I have moved on, and see my MIL as my mom now, and we are both happy about that.

So what should I do?

 

[ReneeA]

I would go and do every single thing in my power to avoid the toxic mother.

(((((Dax))))))

 

[SydneyBristow]

I think you should go.

 

[Laura]

I would go and do every single thing in my power to avoid the toxic mother.

That's what I would do. You don't have to be a part of any of the wedding preparations or anything like that, but go and see him and ignore your mother. If they're making out a seating chart, ask your brother to be seated far away from her. That's all you need to do.

 

[SueInBoston]

I have the same type of relationship with my mother. I would go and just ignore your mother, ask your brother to sit you with friends vs. family.

 

[cheermom1]

I would go and do every single thing in my power to avoid the toxic mother.

(((((Dax))))))

I agree good luck!

 

[agnes!]

I would take a short visit to Virginia Beach *way* in advance of the wedding. Touch base with your DBro and build that relationship without all the wedding hoop-la going on. I would not trust any of what you're feeling to an e-mail (which can get forwarded forever) or even to a phone conversation. Meet your DBro's fiancee before the wedding and talk to your DBro face-to-face. Maybe you can tell him how much you missed being a part of his life and how honored you are that he wants you at his wedding. Tell him you do not want any unpleasantness with your mother, and that in order make the day happy for him and your future SIL, you prefer to not have any official role and not to be officially seated (and especially not seated anywhere near your mother).

I bet the food alone will be worth the trip .

agnes!

 

[Dax]

I would take a short visit to Virginia Beach *way* in advance of the wedding. Touch base with your DBro and build that relationship without all the wedding hoop-la going on. I would not trust any of what you're feeling to an e-mail (which can get forwarded forever) or even to a phone conversation. Meet your DBro's fiancee before the wedding and talk to your DBro face-to-face. Maybe you can tell him how much you missed being a part of his life and how honored you are that he wants you at his wedding. Tell him you do not want any unpleasantness with your mother, and that in order make the day happy for him and your future SIL, you prefer to not have any official role and not to be officially seated (and especially not seated anywhere near your mother).

I bet the food alone will be worth the trip .

agnes!

LOL..I did ask him about that...they are making there own desserts...but the rest is being catered..by my brothers restaraunt..so in a way...he is cooking his own wedding food.

 

[nikkistevej]

I would go as well. Good luck and try to avoid your mom.

 

[Hoodie]

Go. Your mother has taken enough from you already, don't let her take this moment as well.

 

[princesspumpkin]

I would take a short visit to Virginia Beach *way* in advance of the wedding. Touch base with your DBro and build that relationship without all the wedding hoop-la going on. I would not trust any of what you're feeling to an e-mail (which can get forwarded forever) or even to a phone conversation. Meet your DBro's fiancee before the wedding and talk to your DBro face-to-face. Maybe you can tell him how much you missed being a part of his life and how honored you are that he wants you at his wedding. Tell him you do not want any unpleasantness with your mother, and that in order make the day happy for him and your future SIL, you prefer to not have any official role and not to be officially seated (and especially not seated anywhere near your mother).

I bet the food alone will be worth the trip .

agnes!

Ditto. I totally understand the whole mother/daughter drama dynamic. Many people don't understand that just because you're someone's mother, that doesn't make you a saint!

 

[Dax]

What totaly would bug me about my mother is how she would just not take any interest in my life. She complained that I moved to FL, but yet she never took any time to do anything when I lived in the same town.

She also still hates my DH...after all these years..we dated in HS..but he was NOT the cause of me leaving home...IDK...your right, she is toxic..and I have a mom who takes great care of me...even if she lives in NJ..

 

[lovemygoofy]

I think you need to hold out before jumping on the going bandwagon. Seriously think about this. Only you know how your mother is going to act and how she will act out.

Is she going to bring your brother down with your attendance? Is it going to cause any wedding stress? What about pictures? Are you going to be in a picture with your brother AND mother? Are you prepared to have any conversation with her cordial or other?

I know you said your brother wants you there but I would really really talk with him and his fiancee. If you can manage it, I would try to go up and have a visit with the couple. Think about the situation and how your mother acts and would she cause a scene at the wedding. Though it wouldn't look badly towards you if she did, chances are it would diminish the couple's wedding day and I'm just not one of those people that would want that. Talk with the wedding couple and ask them their thoughts about all this.

I do hope that you can go and develop a relationship with your brother.

 

[wall*e2008]

Go. I am sure your brother is smart enough not to sit the two of you together. If he does, then spend lots of time on the dance floor.

 

[Allison]

Go. Your mother has taken enough from you already, don't let her take this moment as well.

This really says it all.

 

[Kies99]

I would take a short visit to Virginia Beach *way* in advance of the wedding. Touch base with your DBro and build that relationship without all the wedding hoop-la going on. I would not trust any of what you're feeling to an e-mail (which can get forwarded forever) or even to a phone conversation. Meet your DBro's fiancee before the wedding and talk to your DBro face-to-face. Maybe you can tell him how much you missed being a part of his life and how honored you are that he wants you at his wedding. Tell him you do not want any unpleasantness with your mother, and that in order make the day happy for him and your future SIL, you prefer to not have any official role and not to be officially seated (and especially not seated anywhere near your mother).

I bet the food alone will be worth the trip .

agnes!

I pretty much agree with this, however I'd approach it with telling your brother that you don't want to take the chance of there being problems at the wedding and that you don't think it wise if you were there. If he truly wants you there after that, he should then talk to your mother and explain the situation.

I also agree as suggested and not be seated near your mother or anything.

 

[Justanopinion]

We have a similar situation here. We don't speak to DH's mother and she has never seen my youngest(4).
DH's brother is getting married in June, we will be going to the wedding without our daughter.
Just keep your chin up, be the bigger person, don't say anything that could be taken any way but the way you are saying it. Watch your back at all times. Keep an eye out for your mom. Don't get yourself into a position that anyone can say you did or said anything. Don't even go to the restroom without knowing where your mom is. Wait until she returns from the restroom and then you go, that sort of thing.

But go, be there for your brother.

 

[DizBelle]

I think you should reconcile with your mother.... Just kidding Some people are just beyond being able to reconcile with.

I'm with the folks that you should talk to your brother and have a game plan should your mother do something awful during the wedding. Are you and he ok with you just leaving if she acts up? Would her acting up ruin the event even after you left? If so, I'm sorry but maybe you just shouldn't attend. Explain to your brother your concerns and work together.

I'm really concerned that even if you are seated way far away from each other that she's going to do something or just spread a bad vibe just because you are there. She seems the type to make everything all about her.

 

[Dax]

I'm really concerned that even if you are seated way far away from each other that she's going to do something or just spread a bad vibe just because you are there. She seems the type to make everything all about her.

This is my main worry...its always about HER...my mother is all about appearence...and $$$...

I will talk it over with my brother as well..I had mentioned it before...and he knows how she is...as he got older, he learned the hard way sadly. When she moved into her new half a million dollar home...she had a custom kitchen put in just for my brother, so he can cook when he comes home...Needless to say, he does not go home much...

 

[DeterminedOne]

I think you should go because your brother is asking you to. It's his big day. If you let the issues with your mom keep you from going to his wedding it will appear selfish, which in a sense it is. Don't get me wrong as I'm not trying to downplay the issue with your mom as I assume it's huge if you haven't spoken in four years. But in the grand scheme of things, this is not about you or your mother - it's about your brother and his big day. He wants you to be there. Suck it up! JMO.