Another Family Issues Thread: Not Saying Thank You for a Gift

[MIGrandma]

Gifts shouldn't come with demands.

I really don't do thank you notes. I thank people in person or make a phone call.

I'm debating on what DS should do for his graduation party since he won't be opening gifts/cards at the hall and there will be about 125-150 people. When we do a big party we always stand up and thank everyone for coming and how much we appreciate their presence. But I may have him do thank you notes. Or do a standard printed one and send them out but I've heard that's tacky and they should only be hand written. I can't keep up.

I don't mind receiving a standard pre-printed thank you, at least it's some form of thank you.

Pre-printed is fine with me!!!! I don't have high personal expectations, or a large ego.

Now, one single statement on FB....

See, I don't mind a single statement on FB. At least they bothered with some sort of thank you. Better than nothing I think.

 

[NFLDERS]

And then takes a bite and PUTS IT BACK ON HIS PLATE!

OR, on the bone discard plate!!

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

For years, I have sent my nephews substantial Christmas and Birthday gifts ($100 for each occasion, per child). Never (and I mean NEVER) have their parents thanked me or even acknowledged that they received the gift. They are now pre-teens and I finally called it quits on the gift giving this Christmas. Why should I be sending gift cards equaling $200 and not be acknowledged?


Guess who emailed me this morning asking if “there was a misunderstanding”? Sister in Law wanted to know why I didn’t send gifts to her children this year


When I explained that I didn’t know if they were receiving them, she got all huffy and replied that I shouldn’t be sending gifts to receive a thank you note. No. I do not want a thank you note. Although one would be nice. Years and years of accepting a gift and not even muttering a “thank you” in a text or an email have taken its toll on my nerves. Call me spiteful. But I just couldn’t bring myself to send them this year.


Be brutally honest. Am I wrong to have stopped the gift giving? Do you have family members who accept gifts without saying “Thank you” or even acknowledging that they received it? Does it bother you?


And how about the nerve of her emailing me and asking why I didn’t send a gift?


I am fit to be tied this morning. Thank you for listening.

BTDT. I told the parents why I stopped giving to their kids...not even a phone call to say thanks, or a muttered 'thank' when the gifts were given in person. (I'm not talking younger kids, btw. I mean these were 13 year olds, who should have known by then to thank someone for a gift.)

I was called a "bad person". I was told 'your kids don't tell us thank you'.

I said "thank you for what? The cards or gifts that you DON'T send them???" (Yep, I was called out for my kids not thanking their aunts and uncles for cards and gifts they never received.)

 

[georgina]

Wow! My experiance with working with the elderly is family contact is a big deal to them. Even to my own mother in law- she is very independent and modern but her daughter just moved out of town so she is now alone with no family. Grandkids are grown and have moved away. Calls and texts mean so much to her now. She does text so grandkids contact her that way.

Older people may not be on computers/phones like younger people So I dont think it's too much to send snail mail to them if that's what they prefer. I think your son's being a brat to refuse to write a note. He should write a note. Kids need to know u do nice things for others, esp grandmas that have been good to them. (I'm not saying you have to be nice just because family. If there is toxic family members, then get away from them!). Or make him send grandma a "thinking of you" note and not expect a gift from her. I've let my folks and in laws on fixed budgets know that they do not have to continue sending money to kids. Of course kids appreciate it but they will love grandparents weather they get gift or not. My mom has forgotten on occasion and that's been fine. Kids have been ok with it too.

Again, I am assuming here that grandma has been nice to kid over the years. Assuming grandma is not horrible person, etc. Even if little contact, he can still suck it up and write a thank you note.

 

[georgina]

He's 25 and I can't MAKE him do anything! He's also somewhat Asperger's in that he doesn't read emotion well. He's not a brat, it is just him. He will go a month without calling me if I don't text him to say 'call your Mom!' Grandma doesn't care, since her lung cancer surgery a decade ago she has lost any emotional reactions to anything.

 

[JaneBanks]

So many of these “family dramas” could be fixed early on by simply talking instead of letting resentment build and pulling out passive aggressive responses. The first time I didn’t get a thank you or acknowledgment of a nephews gift (he was 1) I called my brother and say hey did you get the gift I sent? I never heard from you so I wasn’t sure what happened”. That took care of it and we’ve always gotten a text or call to say thank you since. I had a teenage niece that said something like ugh I have to send so many thank yous at her Sweet 16 so I said yep, that’s what you’re suppose to do so don’t forget. Done

These are family members and I’ve always felt that you can kindly and politely call out your family if something is bugging you.

I totally agree. So much drama could be avoided if people weren't so afraid to talk to each other.

 

[dreamin_disney]

For years, I have sent my nephews substantial Christmas and Birthday gifts ($100 for each occasion, per child). Never (and I mean NEVER) have their parents thanked me or even acknowledged that they received the gift. They are now pre-teens and I finally called it quits on the gift giving this Christmas. Why should I be sending gift cards equaling $200 and not be acknowledged?


Guess who emailed me this morning asking if “there was a misunderstanding”? Sister in Law wanted to know why I didn’t send gifts to her children this year


When I explained that I didn’t know if they were receiving them, she got all huffy and replied that I shouldn’t be sending gifts to receive a thank you note. No. I do not want a thank you note. Although one would be nice. Years and years of accepting a gift and not even muttering a “thank you” in a text or an email have taken its toll on my nerves. Call me spiteful. But I just couldn’t bring myself to send them this year.


Be brutally honest. Am I wrong to have stopped the gift giving? Do you have family members who accept gifts without saying “Thank you” or even acknowledging that they received it? Does it bother you?


And how about the nerve of her emailing me and asking why I didn’t send a gift?


I am fit to be tied this morning. Thank you for listening.

It's your money do what you want.

here's some ideas for those going through it. Send a set of Thank you cards and gradually cut down gift amount or just send $20-$25and set of card-lol! Rude of your sister law , you should have told her the Thank you card they sent you also got lost

 

[ols386]

I didn’t read all the replies, but yes when someone sends/gives you a gift, you say thank you.

I probably would have gone ahead and sent gifts for this past Christmas, and then followed up with them, making sure they received the gifts and inquiring as to why they hadn’t acknowledged the gifts.

The SIL was definitely rude.

 

[Jennasis]

Oh man, I would have taken a slightly different tack...When sister inquired if the money had been sent (all worried for YOU of course) I would have said "Of course I did! I sent cash...Didn't they get it??"

 

[Dawnlight]

I haven't read the entire thread, so maybe this has been touched on. I wouldn't necessarily blame the parents. You know how kids are; the parents might be hounding them to send a thank you note, but the kids don't do it. I know that as a parent myself, I have over the years had to do it myself, and just get the kid to sign their name, but that gets old pretty quick. It doesn't come naturally for them to send a thank you note immediately. I do, sometimes, have them call their grandparent to thank them. I hope that counts. It's just one more thing for me to have to manage, and honestly, I'm tapped out. I think this piece resonated with me http://www.scarymommy.com/never-write-me-a-thank-you-note/

Also, as a caring and loving aunt, you could do some persuasive "parenting", too. I will never forget getting an awesome gift one year from a grandparent. I loved it SO much, was so excited, I started to ask all sorts of questions, "Where did you get it?" "How much did it cost?" I was promptly put in my place and told that it wasn't polite to ask how much a gift cost. It had never occurred to me before that it wasn't a question to ask. Sometimes the best message a kid can get is one that comes from someone other than the parent.

 

[sk!mom]

If you give gifts looking for thanks than they aren't gifts.

While thanks should be expected, they shouldn't be a requirement.

But your SIL asking if gifts weren't sent is incredibly rude.

I look at it a bit differently. In the instances where I have stopped giving due to lack of acknowledgement, it has been more due to the realization that I was giving gifts to try to maintain a relationship that clearly only existed in my mind. The recipients weren't invested enough to even acknowledge the gift, any of my own or my children's special days, or maintain contact at all. I never heard from them ever and only saw them at large family get togethers. I decided that it was really silly and maybe even a little desperate on my part to send gifts in those cases. I love gift giving and it freed me up to do more for those who really are "present" in my life.

At least, no one has been so rude as to ask where their gift was .

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I look at it a bit differently. In the instances where I have stopped giving due to lack of acknowledgement, it has been more due to the realization that I was giving gifts to try to maintain a relationship that clearly only existed in my mind.

Ok, yeah, I understand that.

 

[sk!mom]

Thank goodness for mobile banking, I don't think any of my kids ever goes to a bank for anything!

As to the OP, I taught my kids to say thank you also, but my side of the family is fine with a verbal or email thank you. My SIL who handles MIL finances has put it out that she will not be sending any more birthday or Christmas checks from Grandma unless they send written thank yous by snail mail. We send her a group thank you at Christmas time, but my DS won't send a birthday one, so he is fine not getting her check. I think oldest DD will write one, not sure about younger DD. But it does burn me a bit that this is not coming from Grandma, but SIL, and only a written thank you (not even a phone call) will do for her.

I see it differently. If she sees your MIL's money going out to people who do not acknowledge the gift or check in with her on a regular basis then I wouldn't send them either.

If she can no longer handle her own finances, then I assume she is also very socially isolated. Your SIL no doubt sees her isolation and hopes that this will "force" some to get in touch with grandma. Very sad that she has to try and manipulate that contact but not wrong on her part.

 

[jrmasm]

I haven't read the entire thread, so maybe this has been touched on. I wouldn't necessarily blame the parents. You know how kids are; the parents might be hounding them to send a thank you note, but the kids don't do it. I know that as a parent myself, I have over the years had to do it myself, and just get the kid to sign their name, but that gets old pretty quick. It doesn't come naturally for them to send a thank you note immediately. I do, sometimes, have them call their grandparent to thank them. I hope that counts. It's just one more thing for me to have to manage, and honestly, I'm tapped out. I think this piece resonated with me http://www.scarymommy.com/never-write-me-a-thank-you-note/

Also, as a caring and loving aunt, you could do some persuasive "parenting", too. I will never forget getting an awesome gift one year from a grandparent. I loved it SO much, was so excited, I started to ask all sorts of questions, "Where did you get it?" "How much did it cost?" I was promptly put in my place and told that it wasn't polite to ask how much a gift cost. It had never occurred to me before that it wasn't a question to ask. Sometimes the best message a kid can get is one that comes from someone other than the parent.

I would. They're the parents. It's their job to manage and teach their children. Too bad so sad if they're tired. Most people are.

It's easy really. Hold the gift 'hostage' until the thank you is taken care off. That requires no effort on the parent's part.

 

[Christine]

I haven't read the entire thread, so maybe this has been touched on. I wouldn't necessarily blame the parents. You know how kids are; the parents might be hounding them to send a thank you note, but the kids don't do it. I know that as a parent myself, I have over the years had to do it myself, and just get the kid to sign their name, but that gets old pretty quick. It doesn't come naturally for them to send a thank you note immediately. I do, sometimes, have them call their grandparent to thank them. I hope that counts. It's just one more thing for me to have to manage, and honestly, I'm tapped out. I think this piece resonated with me http://www.scarymommy.com/never-write-me-a-thank-you-note/

Yes, tweens and teens need pushing. But the parent needs to push. In the OP's case, she *never* got an acknowledgement--even with the kids were really young and it wasn't an "older kid" attitude issue.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

I think you were very generous to begin with and the kids probably did notice that you didn't send something this year as they have come to probably expect it. They probably did say something to their mom and she reached out to you. The sil was rude for sure! You don't have to explain yourself to her just say sorry no gifts this year. Your explanation would probably be lost on her anyway since she never enforced the thank you rule to her children. You can't fix stupid (your sil).

 

[North of Mouse]

I wouldn't necessarily blame the parents. I do, sometimes, have them call their grandparent to thank them. I hope that counts. It's just one more thing for me to have to manage, and honestly, I'm tapped out.

Also, as a caring and loving aunt, you could do some persuasive "parenting", too.

Oh, yes, you bet I do blame the parents! If you don't show them that 'you' appreciate gifts enough for them to say thank you (as littles) then you are the problem. Don't wait until they are teenagers. How much of your time does it take for that? There are many things that you 'must' make the time to teach your children. No excuses!

Withhold their 'gifts' until it's done, maybe that will get the message across at their ages now.

Also, you'd pass the buck, so to speak, and let the aunt parent and do your job!

 

[Pink Partridge]

UPDATE: Spoke with DH last night. Let him know what happened with SIL and email. He read the emails and actually seemed relieved that I have finally been pushed to the point that I realize this relationship with his sister and family is not worth the work I have invested in it.

He wrote her an email that was short and sweet. Basically said "You have never thanked anyone for a thing that has been given to you. Don't you realized that is wrong? You have some nerve asking where your kids' gifts are. We are not pandering to you any longer."

And that was that. We had a glass of wine and played Yahtzee with our kids. It was a nice evening and I went to bed feeling better than I did yesterday morning. Woke up expecting a retaliation email, but nothing. So hopefully it's all over now.

 

[Christine]

Wow, that was a pretty to-the-point email.

 

[goofy4tink]

Good for your dh!!!! It's wonderful that he backed you up. Yes, I was the one sending an email to see if a gift to my dd had been lost in the mail. My dh's brother and sister-in-law had always been very generous with our dd. But, then one Christmas, no card, no anything. I was concerned, so I checked. Seems that they had decided that once they got to college, gift giving was stopped! Oh, well we didn't get the memo. I felt stupid, to say the least. They were very generous with their college graduation gift though. But, sometimes you just have to check!!!
For my kids, a thank you note was always written. If they thanked the person, right then and there, great. No note needed. I told them that if someone could take the time and make the effort to send them a gift, they could take the time to write a thank-you note!!! I supplied the notes, and stamps. If they didn't write a note, I reached out and told the gift giver that no future gifts would be expected due to my child's lack of good manners. Only needed to do that once!!