Another Family Issues Thread: Not Saying Thank You for a Gift

[jrmasm]

See, and I love the pre printed ones with a picture. There's no winning.

I don't think there is anything wrong with a generic pre printed one with a picture as long as there is also a hand written note.

 

[gotomu212]

So many of these “family dramas” could be fixed early on by simply talking instead of letting resentment build and pulling out passive aggressive responses. The first time I didn’t get a thank you or acknowledgment of a nephews gift (he was 1) I called my brother and say hey did you get the gift I sent? I never heard from you so I wasn’t sure what happened”. That took care of it and we’ve always gotten a text or call to say thank you since. I had a teenage niece that said something like ugh I have to send so many thank yous at her Sweet 16 so I said yep, that’s what you’re suppose to do so don’t forget. Done

These are family members and I’ve always felt that you can kindly and politely call out your family if something is bugging you.

 

[FergieTCat]

OP, I completely agree!

A few years ago, a friend had a joint party for her son and husband. I gave them each a gift card. Neither she, her husband, or her elementary school aged son ever acknowledged the gifts. I never sent her family another gift (I had been sending her son gifts for his birthday and Christmas).

If she had the nerve to ask me why, I don't think we'd be speaking right now.

 

[aprilgail]

I'm debating on what DS should do for his graduation party since he won't be opening gifts/cards at the hall and there will be about 125-150 people. When we do a big party we always stand up and thank everyone for coming and how much we appreciate their presence. But I may have him do thank you notes. Or do a standard printed one and send them out but I've heard that's tacky and they should only be hand written. I can't keep up.

LOL- my daughter thought she was going to be slick one year and she ordered preprinted ones (for her sweet 16)- I still made her write a note on them even though they were pre-printed! Though pre-printed ones top how a cousin thanked us all for her son's first birthday gift- her facebook status update- "thanks to everyone that sent a present for Juniors birthday"- and that was that.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Pre-printed is fine with me!!!! I don't have high personal expectations, or a large ego.

Now, one single statement on FB....

 

[dish rag]

I would have stopped sending that ungrateful family gifts YEARS ago! Probably by the third time I'd heard nothing back at all from them. That way I'd only be out about 600 bucks. Live and learn.

I agree with you 100%, and I have done the same. It's a pet peeve of mine, when people don't send a thank you card. It happens a lot now. We bought my 12 yr old niece a nice necklace a few months ago, nothing. That's it she won't get anything else from me. My mother in law gave our 25 year old niece $5000 a few months ago to help her study abroad in England, she never even called her Grandma to say thanks, she would be done if if was up to me. But my mother in law is too kind and will help her again.

 

[dish rag]

Gifts shouldn't come with demands.

I really don't do thank you notes. I thank people in person or make a phone call.

I'm debating on what DS should do for his graduation party since he won't be opening gifts/cards at the hall and there will be about 125-150 people. When we do a big party we always stand up and thank everyone for coming and how much we appreciate their presence. But I may have him do thank you notes. Or do a standard printed one and send them out but I've heard that's tacky and they should only be hand written. I can't keep up.

I know that it's normal in the Hispanic culture to NOT send thank you cards, that saying thank you when the gift is given, or like you say standing up and giving a general thank you, is enough. But really it's not. Your children are living in the US and are going to be dealing with other people who feel that thank you cards are important and count, that not sending one is considered rude, and maybe not coming from a good up bringing. And these people could count in their profession career or other things that could count in their life. It is important. I'm saying this with respect.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I know that it's normal in the Hispanic culture to NOT send thank you cards, that saying thank you when the gift is given, or like you say standing up and giving a general thank you, is enough. But really it's not. Your children are living in the US and are going to be dealing with other people who feel that thank you cards are important and count, that not sending one is considered rude, and maybe not coming from a good up bringing. And these people could count in their profession career or other things that could count in their life. It is important. I'm saying this with respect.

I understand. I get what you are saying. that’s why i will have him do thank you cards. I’m just undecided on preprinted or hand written.

In this thread some say a thank you note is important and some think a thank you in person is enough. Or a preprinted card isn’t enough or a preprinted card is perfect. You truly can’t please everyone.

 

[amberpi]

Amber, Yes, OMG, if he butters the whole roll!!!!
The horror!!!

I just get up and leave...lol. That person is obviously horrible. As bad as the 2 racists I've gone out with and did actually leave mid-meal. Racists and whole roll butters, they're the worst!

 

[dish rag]

I understand. I get what you are saying. that’s why i will have him do thank you cards. I’m just undecided on preprinted or hand written.

In this thread some say a thank you note is important and some think a thank you in person is enough. Or a preprinted card isn’t enough or a preprinted card is perfect. You truly can’t please everyone.

I agree, most people really don't know. But they should be hand written. IMO. It will make his mama look good too. And really it does count, and people do notice.

 

[SharonZ]

I would have done the same thing as you, and the validation would have been the call asking about a "misunderstanding." I might consider to continue to send a "token" $25 gift card in the future, this is what I have decided to do. And no, I never get a thank-you and I get that's not why you send a gift (for acknowledgement), but it never should be assumed that you should receive a gift either.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

That’s last 3 weddings I’ve attended they did printed cards with a pic from their wedding. I loved them bc you get a pic of their wedding to put on the fridge.

The last two weddings that I attended, I didn't get anything. No thank you note, no call, no picture. Literally, nothing.

For one of them, I attended a shower before hand and got nothing. No thank you when it was open, no note, no anything.

They had the gall to send me an invite to a "house warming." I was busy.

 

[mjkacmom]

That is a tough one. I think older people get so lonely that a written note is something that can really make their day. Maybe your SIL is watching out for Grandma and knows that a written note would make her so happy.

If your son doesn't want to take the time to write his grandmother a thank you note for a gift, that is his choice. But I think grandmas are worth 2 minutes of your time. I really do. Imagine what a handwritten letter means to an elderly person?

I handle my dad’s finances, I decided he wasn’t sending out birthday checks (which mean I’m not writing them). The only ones who would get them would be my kids, and my sister’s kids (who want for nothing, my BIL never even cashed years of birthday checks my aunt sent, so she finall6 stopped). However, maybe SIL knows how much grandma would enjoy the hand written notes, I know my dad loves getting cards.

It’s a PITA to have to handle someone’s finances along with your own.

 

[GreatLakes]

For our wedding we had picture thank you cards made but they were blank inside. Each person got a personalized thank you. We will be doing the same after our son's first birthday this weekend. Even if you just attend and don't give a gift you get a thank you for spending the day with us.

 

[sk!mom]

I expect a thank you and have quit sending gifts to those who do not give them. I don't need a hand written mailed card. Just a verbal thank you in person if I see you, a text, a social media thank you. Anything that lets me know that the gift was received and appreciated. If the recipient doesn't care, then why am I going to the effort?

That is basically the response that she would have gotten from me when she asked.

 

[North of Mouse]

If you give gifts looking for thanks than they aren't gifts.

While thanks should be expected, they shouldn't be a requirement.

But your SIL asking if gifts weren't sent is incredibly rude.

I disagree! I give gifts freely, but I do like to receive and expect an acknowledgement of thankfulness.
It's only common courtesy for parents to teach their children at an early age to show thankfulness. It's good for the giver as well as the recipient.
Our dear Mom used to tell us if something was worth receiving, it was worth saying thank you for. I live like that, and taught our children the same. It's the thought, not the value.

 

[nkereina]

In the OP's case, I would have established some kind of precedent that when the kids reach X age, I'm discontinuing the gifts. On my dad's side, everyone used to draw names for gifting the adults, but everyone would buy for all the kids. Once the kids became teenagers, they went into the lottery with the rest of the adults and someone would draw their name. I remember being a teenager too and there came a point when I stopped receiving cards with money on my birthday, Christmas, etc. So, I don't think the OP was wrong to stop the gifts but I think OP should have made mention that they are of the age when this can stop now and that's why they wouldn't be sending one.

 

[North of Mouse]

I truly feel for you!! I have been in this weird vortex of quite a few people not saying thank you or acknowledging appreciation towards my gifts, or efforts. My husband and I took his parents, sisters, and their families on a vacation to Florida. We bought flights, rented house, 1 day at Disney, 1 day at Universal. (16 people all together) One of his sisters never said thank you at all, not to him or me. I gave her a baby shower the following year, no 'thank you'. This year I am helping give her a wedding shower, and I'm not expecting a thank you. I have been to a bridal and baby shower and wedding for a cousin of my husbands, not one thank you, verbal or card. Her bridal shower I even gave her beautiful personalized cards in hopes she would use them as thank you notes... no such luck as of yet, it's been a year. Maybe she doesn't know what to do with them? Who knows. I certainly try to teach my kids the power of gratitude and graciousness. Growing up, they were taught, the toy, or money that was received was not to be touched until a thank you was conveyed, whether by phone or in person. I can say this, these people have certainly lost my respect. Hopefully you can see your nephews sometime and go shopping or something special.

And you keep on enabling this person????

 

[EMom]

So it was too much effort to send a TY by mail or text, but the minute a gift card fails to show up as expected, your SIL's communication skills are spot on...........

I don't give gifts to be thanked, but at some point the failure to say THANKS in some manner gets on my nerves and I'll stop with the gifts. I don't blame you one bit. I'd have stopped sending gift cards too. If it's too much trouble to say TY in some form (note, text, email), then they simply don't appreciate it and instead, feel entitled.

I taught DD to write TY notes since she was a toddler. In the beginning, I printed the note with a blank space for the gift, which she wrote and then signed. (Dear Gift Giver, Thank you for the Barbie. I am happy you could come to my party and help me celebrate. Love, Birthday Girl.) She still sends TY notes at 18. Just this week, someone texted me to say they really appreciated the fact that she always sends a TY note. Well, the person in question always sends a birthday gift and Christmas gift, so it's only right to thank them. But I know from that person and others that the TY notes are much appreciated. I always told DD that if someone can go to the trouble to send a gift, a gift card, or a check, then it's not too much trouble to thank them.

Don't feel bad for one moment.

 

[MIGrandma]

Our kids were raised to say thank you for any gift, big or small, something they liked/loved, or something they didn't. No matter, you still smile and say thank you. Or you send a thank you note, or call them on the phone and thank them.

Now days it doesn't seem like many people teach their children to say thank you for gifts. I don't blame the OP for not sending gifts if they can't be bothered to say thank you and for her SIL to e-mail and ask why no gifts? Wow. Beyond rude.

We gave our grandson and his bride a good-sized check when they got married. Never got any kind of thank you. No thank you note was sent, not even a text or Facebook message to thank us. Yes, you give a gift because you want to, but still I think a thank you of some kind is in order for any gift received.

Reminds me of that same grandson's wife's reaction to the baby gift we gave when they had their first baby, our first great-grandchild, this past September. I bought four nice, cute outfits, toys, several packages of disposable diapers, baby wipes, etc. Over $100 was spent. Everything was put into a large gift bag and given to them, in person. She opened everything, and everything she opened she made some rude comment about it. The outfits had a lot of pink, she didn't like pink - which no one told me about before I bought the outfits. But. As I know everyone's tastes are different I included the receipt and told them they could exchange anything they didn't like, it wouldn't bother me at all. But. To know she could exchange things, and still make rude comments about them was uncalled for. She could have been more appreciative, and smiled and said "thank you." Even the diapers got a rude comment, and the toys and baby wipes, heck even the tissue paper and gift bag got rude comments from her. It was just so ridiculous the way she acted about everything. Our grandson had manners enough to say thank you, but she never did. Beyond rude. And yes, kids need to be taught to say thank you, but she's 21 years old. Old enough to know gifts are to be appreciated and thanked for.

In this day and age I don't expect a written thank you if I've given a gift to someone, but if the gift is sent and no verbal thank you can be said, then even a text or Facebook thank you should be given.