Another Family Issues Thread: Not Saying Thank You for a Gift

[Pink Partridge]

Do they send you guys gifts?

NO. Never.

I'll be honest there's a couple family members who send to us and we usually don't say or write a thank you card...

Thank you for your honesty here. And a serious question, why not write a 2 second text saying "Thank you for they gift! I appreciate it!" ?

 

[Pink Partridge]

OP, is there another parent here? You mention that it's your SIL. Is her husband your brother or your husband's brother? What does he say?

This is my husband's sister, who was not raised like this, BTW. But she has always been a brat.

Her husband is a physician and rarely home. I am sure he is run ragged. He always looks tired and stressed. I bet he doesn't even know we send gifts.

SIL is a stay at home mom. They have a housekeeper. SIL is well rested and can spare 2 seconds of her day to text "Thank you!".

 

[brockash]

NO. Never.




Thank you for your honesty here. And a serious question, why not write a 2 second text saying "Thank you for they gift! I appreciate it!" ?

You know, we probably should... honestly I'm not even sure we or they have thier number, although we def. have email. I know it sounds bad, but we really just don't communicate except when we see each other at our yearly family reunion in the summer, so I guess it just doesn't cross our minds. I guess on my end they're the only ones we have that type of situation with lol.

 

[Lori74]

I truly feel for you!! I have been in this weird vortex of quite a few people not saying thank you or acknowledging appreciation towards my gifts, or efforts. My husband and I took his parents, sisters, and their families on a vacation to Florida. We bought flights, rented house, 1 day at Disney, 1 day at Universal. (16 people all together) One of his sisters never said thank you at all, not to him or me. I gave her a baby shower the following year, no 'thank you'. This year I am helping give her a wedding shower, and I'm not expecting a thank you. I have been to a bridal and baby shower and wedding for a cousin of my husbands, not one thank you, verbal or card. Her bridal shower I even gave her beautiful personalized cards in hopes she would use them as thank you notes... no such luck as of yet, it's been a year. Maybe she doesn't know what to do with them? Who knows. I certainly try to teach my kids the power of gratitude and graciousness. Growing up, they were taught, the toy, or money that was received was not to be touched until a thank you was conveyed, whether by phone or in person. I can say this, these people have certainly lost my respect. Hopefully you can see your nephews sometime and go shopping or something special.

 

[Pink Partridge]

I wanted to add that my husband cannot stand his sister and, to be honest, thinks his nephews are brats as well. The one made fun of my daughter's knock off Ray Ban glasses a few months ago (told her she looked cheap like her glasses--he is 12!) and my husband let him have it. Screamed at him to get away from our daughter. It was very unlike DH. He is calm and quiet. His sister and her family brings out the absolute worst in him. He could not stand her growing up and says she has only progressed to a bigger brat as an adult.

He encouraged me to stop sending gifts long ago and really wants nothing to do with them. He says just because they are blood doesn't mean we have to associate with them. It makes me sad because they are family. I don't want to ignore family.

They are very well off. They never send our children cards for any occasion. They came to our oldest child's graduation party without a gift. Not even an empty card (but she did tell me the shrimp that we served was "chewy").

We have been so good to their kids. And I know it seems petty, but it does hurt to be the giver all of the time and never receive. Not even receive a thank you.

When my husband finds out she emailed wondering where the gifts for her children were, he is going to flip. I will tell him after dinner. He may be washing his hands of his sister and family after this.

 

[brockash]

I wanted to add that my husband cannot stand his sister and, to be honest, thinks his nephews are brats as well. The one made fun of my daughter's knock off Ray Ban glasses a few months ago (told her she looked cheap like her glasses--he is 12!) and my husband let him have it. He encouraged me to stop sending gifts long ago and really wants nothing to do with them. He says just because they are blood doesn't mean we have to associate with them. It makes me sad because they are family. I don't want to ignore family.

They are very well off. They never send our children cards for any occasion. They came to our oldest child's graduation party without a gift. Not even an empty card (but she did tell me the shrimp that we served was "chewy").

We have been so good to their kids. And I know it seems petty, but it does hurt to be the giver all of the time and never receive. Not even receive a thank you.

When my husband finds out she emailed wondering where the gifts for her children were, he is going to flip. I will tell him after dinner. He may be washing his hands of his sister and family after this.

Wow, so you guys have kids and they're well off and all these years you've been sending gifts, they haven't? Between that and the kids being rude to yours, I think that you are way late to the party of stopping lol. There's no way we'd still be sending $100 to them, and yes pretty rich of her to ask you about it.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I truly feel for you!! I have been in this weird vortex of quite a few people not saying thank you or acknowledging appreciation towards my gifts, or efforts. My husband and I took his parents, sisters, and their families on a vacation to Florida. We bought flights, rented house, 1 day at Disney, 1 day at Universal. (16 people all together) One of his sisters never said thank you at all, not to him or me. I gave her a baby shower the following year, no 'thank you'. This year I am helping give her a wedding shower, and I'm not expecting a thank you. I have been to a bridal and baby shower and wedding for a cousin of my husbands, not one thank you, verbal or card. Her bridal shower I even gave her beautiful personalized cards in hopes she would use them as thank you notes... no such luck as of yet, it's been a year. Maybe she doesn't know what to do with them? Who knows. I certainly try to teach my kids the power of gratitude and graciousness. Growing up, they were taught, the toy, or money that was received was not to be touched until a thank you was conveyed, whether by phone or in person. I can say this, these people have certainly lost my respect. Hopefully you can see your nephews sometime and go shopping or something special.

I learned from the last and only bridal shower and bachelorette party I was a part of planning to never help with these again unless it's my own child or someone I'm VERY close to.

 

[morgan98]

OP, of course you can send gifts to whomever you want to. I understand that they are your nephews and you thought you were doing the right thing by sending them a gift.

However, for their mother and now them to never acknowledge it with a call, a text or something, I don't blame you one bit.

How close are you to them really?

 

[Pink Partridge]

Wow, so you guys have kids and they're well off and all these years you've been sending gifts, they haven't? Between that and the kids being rude to yours, I think that you are way late to the party of stopping lol. There's no way we'd still be sending $100 to them, and yes pretty rich of her to ask you about it.

I know. I suppose I always wanted to "do the right thing" and give a gift because that was the right thing to do. Even though they didn't reciprocate. But after years of giving and giving and never receiving any acknowledgment, I am worn down.

Some people just feel entitled to receive. SIL is one of them.

 

[Pink Partridge]

How close are you to them really?

Not very close, because my husband doesn't want to be around them. But we do see them at large family birthday parties, graduation parties, showers, weddings, etc. Everyone pretty much avoids her at these functions.

 

[Hikergirl]

I wanted to add that my husband cannot stand his sister and, to be honest, thinks his nephews are brats as well. The one made fun of my daughter's knock off Ray Ban glasses a few months ago (told her she looked cheap like her glasses--he is 12!) and my husband let him have it. Screamed at him to get away from our daughter. It was very unlike DH. He is calm and quiet. His sister and her family brings out the absolute worst in him. He could not stand her growing up and says she has only progressed to a bigger brat as an adult.

He encouraged me to stop sending gifts long ago and really wants nothing to do with them. He says just because they are blood doesn't mean we have to associate with them. It makes me sad because they are family. I don't want to ignore family.

They are very well off. They never send our children cards for any occasion. They came to our oldest child's graduation party without a gift. Not even an empty card (but she did tell me the shrimp that we served was "chewy").

We have been so good to their kids. And I know it seems petty, but it does hurt to be the giver all of the time and never receive. Not even receive a thank you.

When my husband finds out she emailed wondering where the gifts for her children were, he is going to flip. I will tell him after dinner. He may be washing his hands of his sister and family after this.

It sounds like there are issues on both sides that go beyond not getting a thank you. Your dh screaming at a 12 year old for a comment seems like a big over reaction. He can't stand his sister and thinks his nephews are brats and you keep sending them gifts?
Maybe you should have listened to your dh, it seems he was right in his thinking that you shouldn't be sending them anything.
Life is too short to surround yourself with people you can't stand, even if they are family. It sounds like dealing with them causes you and your dh stress, so wipe your hands of them, or at least wipe your hands of what stresses you out like sending unappreciated gifts.
Growing up you don't choose your family, you are stuck with them but there comes a time in your life when there is nothing wrong with choosing to be around people you care about and avoiding the ones you don't.

 

[Mokat76]

OP, you did the right thing. Your SIL is a nervy brat.
I have two nephews (bro’s sons) and two nieces (sis’s daughters). I sent gift cards to each every Christmas. Always got thanked by the girls, never by the boys. Only the girls still get gift cards. The boys have never acknowledged lack of receipt either.

 

[larissawbb]

Tell them that you donated to The Human Fund in their names. Problem solved. Your SIL is a user.

 

[Pink Partridge]

Your dh screaming at a 12 year old for a comment seems like a big over reaction

He even admits he overreacted. But he said something about a boy calling his daughter "cheap looking" sent him over the edge. He bellowed "Leave this room now! Do not speak to her like that!" And nephew laughed and said "Well she does look cheap and her glasses aren't real". SIL was there. She laughed too. I hope it was out of embarrassment and shame. Like a nervous laugh. Either way, it was a mess. Husband looked so defeated and we just left the party because my daughter was embarrassed that someone made fun of her. She was happy her dad stood up for her, but I think he should have been calmer.

 

[Hikergirl]

I know. I suppose I always wanted to "do the right thing" and give a gift because that was the right thing to do. Even though they didn't reciprocate. But after years of giving and giving and never receiving any acknowledgment, I am worn down.

Some people just feel entitled to receive. SIL is one of them.

You posted about her baby shower and the oldest's first birthday and her not thanking anyone. It is clearly something you have known for a long enough time to know that is how she is. You still chose to send gifts. I get that you are worn down, but did you think things were going to change and she was suddenly going to be a different person? Your dh grew up with her and can't stand her, I mean all the signs have been there. Stop sending gifts, stop feeling guilty about the kids not getting them (they are capable of thanking you themselves). Be free!!

 

[aprilgail]

I have cut off relatives that my mom sent to for years after getting no thank you for them. I always taught my daughter that she had to write out thank you notes for gifts, even if she saw the person when they gave her a gift she should still write a note saying thank you. And she certainly knew better even when she was a little kid that if she did not like something she should just say "thank you" and that she liked it- and she knew I would never ever make her wear something that was a gift if she hated it, we could either return it or donate it. OP I would have cut those kids off before they became teens if you got no acknowledgement of your gifts!

 

[Hikergirl]

He even admits he overreacted. But he said something about a boy calling his daughter cheap looking sent him over the edge. He bellowed "Leave this room now! Do not speak to her like that!" And nephew laughed and said "Well she does look cheap and her glasses aren't real". SIL was there. She laughed too. It was a mess. Husband looked so defeated and we just left the party because my daughter was embarrassed that someone made fun of her. She was happy her dad stood up for her, but I think he should have been calmer.

OP, if your dh is getting set off by that, it is time to back away from these people. They are toxic for you and your family.

 

[georgina]

I once got a call from a very dear and close friend because our son hadn't cashed the check she has sent. It had only been a week or two, not months and months. I was actually surprised that she was concerned about it, since our son was in college and worked and didn't have much time to go to the bank.

I let her know that since he hadn't yet called her, he wasn't cashing the check. He was well past the time of learning about saying thank you, but what we had taught him, stuck.

About a week later, he was up, calling her, because he was going to the bank to cash the check .

Thank goodness for mobile banking, I don't think any of my kids ever goes to a bank for anything!

As to the OP, I taught my kids to say thank you also, but my side of the family is fine with a verbal or email thank you. My SIL who handles MIL finances has put it out that she will not be sending any more birthday or Christmas checks from Grandma unless they send written thank yous by snail mail. We send her a group thank you at Christmas time, but my DS won't send a birthday one, so he is fine not getting her check. I think oldest DD will write one, not sure about younger DD. But it does burn me a bit that this is not coming from Grandma, but SIL, and only a written thank you (not even a phone call) will do for her.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

My kids always make a phone call when they get a gift that they aren't there to receive in person. It's just manners.

 

[Pink Partridge]

We send her a group thank you at Christmas time, but my DS won't send a birthday one, so he is fine not getting her check. I think oldest DD will write one, not sure about younger DD. But it does burn me a bit that this is not coming from Grandma, but SIL, and only a written thank you (not even a phone call) will do for her.

That is a tough one. I think older people get so lonely that a written note is something that can really make their day. Maybe your SIL is watching out for Grandma and knows that a written note would make her so happy.

If your son doesn't want to take the time to write his grandmother a thank you note for a gift, that is his choice. But I think grandmas are worth 2 minutes of your time. I really do. Imagine what a handwritten letter means to an elderly person?