Another Family Issues Thread: Not Saying Thank You for a Gift

[andersonsc]

If you give gifts looking for thanks than they aren't gifts.

While thanks should be expected, they shouldn't be a requirement.

But your SIL asking if gifts weren't sent is incredibly rude.

I totally think this is wrong. Thanks is a requirement! Do we expect so little of society now that saying thank you is too much to expect! I get that thank you notes have become old fashion but a thankyou is still required. My parents expect thankyou notes and the kids write them. I don't let them use the money they are sent until the note is written. My in laws think notes are not needed. They just want a verbal thank you. In any case, the givers are not wrong for wanting a gift to be acknowledged. I don't think the OP is wrong at all for stopping the gifts. Gifts are what is never to be expected!

 

[cabanafrau]

If you give gifts looking for thanks than they aren't gifts.

While thanks should be expected, they shouldn't be a requirement.

But your SIL asking if gifts weren't sent is incredibly rude.

I think most people give gifts with the intent that the recipient will enjoy. Being frustrated about even the bare minimum of acknowledgement doesn't negate the gifting. Ironically, acknowledgement of non receipt works like a well oiled machine.

Not only is SIL incredibly rude, but it points right back to the fact that acknowledgement and an expression of gratitude should have been a logical part of the equation if the gifts were so important to the recipients that the current lack of them is causing apparent distress.

 

[Pink Partridge]

Thanks is a requirement! Do we expect so little of society now that saying thank you is too much to expect! I get that thank you notes have become old fashion but a thankyou is still required.

I do believe a verbal thank you is required. What will we become as a society if we don't acknowledge gifts or nice gestures?

 

[Pink Partridge]

I think most people give gifts with the intent that the recipient will enjoy. Being frustrated about even the bare minimum of acknowledgement doesn't negate the gifting. Ironically, acknowledgement of non receipt works like a well oiled machine.

Not only is SIL incredibly rude, but it points right back to the fact that acknowledgement and an expression of gratitude should have been a logical part of the equation if the gifts were so important to the recipients that the current lack of them is causing apparent distress.

Yes. Isn't it funny that the only time my gift giving was acknowledged was when I didn't give the gift? How sad is that.

 

[sksjasams]

I have found in circumstances like these, I prefer to send a check.

Once it's been cashed, at least I know they have received it.

 

[scrhsa]

One year we had very little money. I told my girls that Santa wasn't going to be bringing much. One of my dd's said "That's ok. We'll still get stuff from Nana and Mamaw." We had a come to Jesus moment right then I had to explain the whole concept of giving and getting gifts. That they are NOT entitled to get gifts just because it's Christmas. Luckily she outgrew that way of thinking

 

[Christine]

Children need to be taught to "thank."

I remember when I was about 8 or 9 years old, maybe older, every year I got a gift from a relative that I only saw once or twice a year. I was an incredibly shy child but my mother always made me pick up the phone and call this relative and personally thank her for the gift. I hated doing it, but it was the right thing to do. Now I can't imagine not acknowledging a gift in some way. I don't think the OP's nephews need to pick up the phone and make a specific call, but something along those lines would be the right thing to do.

 

[cabanafrau]

Yes. Isn't it funny that the only time my gift giving was acknowledged was when I didn't give the gift? How sad is that.

If your SIL brings it up again, ask her why it's so important they didn't get anything this year if it wasn't important enough to acknowledge getting anything all the prior years? I wouldn't expect she would have a direct answer to the question.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

The rule at our house has always been " you don't get to use the gift until you send a thank you for the gift."

That worked for us.

But we also have some family members who never thank us.

 

[JaneBanks]

I feel that this isn't something I would choose to cause family strife over.

Yes, children should say thank you for a gift and probably at some point when seeing the children in person, I would have said something like "And where is my thank you?" lightheartedly to send the message.

It wouldn't personally offend me so much to the point that I was willing to possibly cause a family drama over it though.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I'm currently trying to decide if I should let my husbands Aunt know that one of the gifts she sent didn't arrive which is why she didn't get a thank you from my daughter. I don't want her to think my daughter is being lazy for not writing a thank you but the gift was lost someplace in the mail or stolen since it never arrived.
We received one for our son which is why I know she sent one for our daughter since she would never send a gift for one without sending for the other (her words).

This is tough. If I was the giver in this situation, I would absolutely want to know, but if I was the (non)recipient, I would feel so awkward speaking up!

 

[L&Lfan]

I would have stopped sending that ungrateful family gifts YEARS ago! Probably by the third time I'd heard nothing back at all from them. That way I'd only be out about 600 bucks. Live and learn.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I will say, when I see them, I do ask "Did you like the Starbucks card?" (they are always at Starbucks) or "What did you get good at Disney with the gift card?" They always answer. But never say thank you. I have always wondered if I would be out of place to explain that when someone gives you a gift you acknowledge it. I really thought this was common knowledge.

But you are right. I shouldn't be punishing 12 year olds. I feel guilty about that. I really do.

Maybe they will learn something from it. You really can't go through life and not know basic "Thank you" manners. Or can you?

I bet they're all (parents and children) feeling a bit embarrassed. I don't know - I 100% understand why you did what you did, but I do think I would have just taken their excitement over what they got as a thank you (and know, inside that the parents are doing a poor job of teaching them to show appreciation).

 

[PollyannaMom]

OP, I might have reduced the amount rather than going cold turkey, or had another family member talk to the boys about their manners, but I definitely understand your frustration! I have one Christmas box that I'm still waiting on acknowledgement of too. Communicating about gift-giving can feel so weird.

 

[Christine]

OP, is there another parent here? You mention that it's your SIL. Is her husband your brother or your husband's brother? What does he say?

 

[brockash]

For years, I have sent my nephews substantial Christmas and Birthday gifts ($100 for each occasion, per child). Never (and I mean NEVER) have their parents thanked me or even acknowledged that they received the gift. They are now pre-teens and I finally called it quits on the gift giving this Christmas. Why should I be sending gift cards equaling $200 and not be acknowledged?


Guess who emailed me this morning asking if “there was a misunderstanding”? Sister in Law wanted to know why I didn’t send gifts to her children this year


When I explained that I didn’t know if they were receiving them, she got all huffy and replied that I shouldn’t be sending gifts to receive a thank you note. No. I do not want a thank you note. Although one would be nice. Years and years of accepting a gift and not even muttering a “thank you” in a text or an email have taken its toll on my nerves. Call me spiteful. But I just couldn’t bring myself to send them this year.


Be brutally honest. Am I wrong to have stopped the gift giving? Do you have family members who accept gifts without saying “Thank you” or even acknowledging that they received it? Does it bother you?


And how about the nerve of her emailing me and asking why I didn’t send a gift?


I am fit to be tied this morning. Thank you for listening.

Do they send you guys gifts? If so, then yes I think it was kinda spiteful of you and not polite to not send them gifts (doesn't have to be $100) when they sent you gifts. Having said that , if they don't send your family anything, then no you def. had every right not to send anything and yes, either way very tacky of her to ask why you didn't, but substantially moreso if they don't send your family anything.

And yes there are ppl we send to every year without acknowledgment and I'll be honest there's a couple family members who send to us and we usually don't say or write a thank you card, nor do they, just because we really don't talk on the phone and don't see each other during Christmas time, but we always exchange presents with the kids in the family.

 

[cabanafrau]

I feel that this isn't something I would choose to cause family strife over.

Yes, children should say thank you for a gift and probably at some point when seeing the children in person, I would have said something like "And where is my thank you?" lightheartedly to send the message.

It wouldn't personally offend me so much to the point that I was willing to possibly cause a family drama over it though.

In a lot of situations I would agree. We give multiple times each year to a child in our lives and have only received a thank you once this past summer, simply because we were face to face at the birthday party and he was instructed to thank everyone as he opened their gift. For very special reasons specific to this child and situation we continue to give, despite being very frustrated with his parents and now him as well, since he is now of age to understand & is perfectly capable and willing to text us with requests to buy things for his various fundraisers. We're choosing not to raise the issue because it would cause ripples and drama in a lot of directions.

All things being equal we would ordinarily have stopped giving gifts in this situation at the time we started receiving texts that we know come directly from him, asking for us to buy things for his fundraisers.

 

[Pink Partridge]

I would have stopped sending that ungrateful family gifts YEARS ago! Probably by the third time I'd heard nothing back at all from them. That way I'd only be out about 600 bucks. Live and learn.

Many family members have stopped after the 1st birthday of the oldest boy. Actually, many stopped giving after the shower.

My SIL had several baby showers and an extensive registry. She didn't open any of the gifts at the showers. They just sat in large piles. She never thanked anyone, but made sure to complain that an aunt gave her a handmade quilt and that was NOT on the registry. That soured many people.

The oldest boy was given a huge first birthday party in a rented banquet hall. She had a registry for that too Never a thank you. That was when most people dropped out of sending anyone in her family a gift.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, you did the right thing...
Do not give it a second thought....

If you do have a relationship with your nephews, and do decide to give gifts in the future, when/if they are old enough for this... Do so. Actually make sure the gifts are given to them each, personally.

Until then, just realize that SIL is just wondering where 'HER' money, that she feels entitled to, is.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

My son is almost 15 years old and I’ve been telling him since he was little that he is responsible for telling gift givers thank you and if he doesn’t not to be surprised if one day “Grandma” decides she is done sending him gifts. So obviously, I don’t blame you for deciding you were done.

That is what we taught our son.

The rule at our house has always been " you don't get to use the gift until you send a thank you for the gift."

That worked for us.

But we also have some family members who never thank us.

Exactly.

I once got a call from a very dear and close friend because our son hadn't cashed the check she has sent. It had only been a week or two, not months and months. I was actually surprised that she was concerned about it, since our son was in college and worked and didn't have much time to go to the bank.

I let her know that since he hadn't yet called her, he wasn't cashing the check. He was well past the time of learning about saying thank you, but what we had taught him, stuck.

About a week later, he was up, calling her, because he was going to the bank to cash the check .