Annoyed with my ex..Child support related (long)

[EthansMom]

You are entitled to your opinions. But you are absolutely wrong about how the ex-wife has nothing to say about how the court makes the decisions and how it's all the court's fault. That's just one way of laying the blame off on someone else.

The OP is upset because she feels guilty and is venting because her mother isn't helping her not feel guilty. In this particular case, given the details the OP's given us about the man (he's a good father, sees his kid as much as possible, dispite the economic hardship), there's a good reason she feels guilty about what she's done (or not done) to help the situation.

Right now, it looks to me as though the OP just wants money. Money, money, money. Merry Christmas. Sorry you couldn't make that annual trip to WDW this year. Hope you get your money.

While I support your right to have an opinion, I found this post to be worded fairly rudely. I realize that you may have something in your past that influences your opinions, but it's possible to state your opinion without offending anyone else.

You and I both know very little about the OP's situation.

 

[Carly_Roach]

While I support your right to have an opinion, I found this post to be worded fairly rudely. I realize that you may have something in your past that influences your opinions, but it's possible to state your opinion without offending anyone else.

You and I both know very little about the OP's situation.

Agreed. What I know from her posts and signatures is that the OP lives in a very depressed city and has been married to a guy who's supported her and her children for five years. I've read that she doesn't have to work for a living but chooses to work part-time, and I can see that she's been taking annual trips to Walt Disney World, staying at the deluxe resorts each time, while the rest of the state of Michigan has been sinking into double-digit unemployment during that exact same time frame.

I don't begrudge her that, even though it sounds like I do. I'm just stating facts that I'm gathering from her past posts. In reality, I'm happy for her and her family that they could do all that. It sounds like she's having a wonderful life and it sounds like she's doing well. I know that many people are employed, making good money, saving for their retirement and I am truly happy for all of them. We need more people and families like that.

But where I have a (serious) problem is when I see these people, who are living well, now trying to extract every last drop of blood from someone who suddenly fell on bad times. He was paying on time for well over five years, it sounds like he was paying $500.00 a month which is nothing to sneeze at, and he was being a good father. Then the unemployment lighting strike hit them.

I see no compassion. The OP's remarried and can choose to work or stay at home. Her child isn't going to starve or go without medical care because his biological father is out of work. Her child may have to forego his annual trip to a deluxe WDW resort, but he's not going to be missing meals or have to live in the streets like his biological father is now going to have to do.

So you're right. I'm investing too much emotion into this based on what I know and don't know.

And since there's nothing I can say to change the minds of the people who've decided that the ex-husband is always wrong (especially if there are children involved) and he should have to pay no matter what, I'm going to have to stop now. This thread is making me nauseous and I draw the line when internet drama has an impact on my well-being.

OP, I wish you the best of luck. Happy Christmas.

 

[klacey1]

The mother does NOT have a say in the amount of the child support! THe judge determines the amount based on the father's salary/assets. The mother does not pick whether she wants the amount raised or lowered. Clearly, the courts for whatever reason believed he was somehow capable of coming up with that money.
Carly, I honestly believe you're the bitter one here. You keep attacking the OP, saying that she's angry her husband left her, and that she's going to make him suffer for the rest of his life. Honestly, where on earth did you get any of that??? First of all, we have no idea who left who in that marriage, and it was made very clear that she thinks her ex is a good dad, she just wants her son to get the support that is rightfully due to him. When you said that you've seen firsthand a "woman scorned," I believe that you you are unfairly putting your views from something in your past on the OP. Now, maybe you did know a terrible, vindictive woman who treated her ex unfairly-- but that's not the OP.

 

[bumbershoot]

So here's the ex screaming for her $3 grand for a child who's being taken care of by another man who makes so much money that the ex can afford to stay home and take care of their child. If it were me, I'd be angry and slam a door or two myself.

She's not screaming for the money. She's just not giving up that money that is owed to their son. She's done what she can do and has actually kept him out of jail in the past.

As for the next bit of that paragraph, augh. Stepdads shouldn't be forced to provide what bio-dads refuse to provide. Yes, many do. Yes, it's awesome that they do. But even the nicest stepdad is allowed to set limits. And even the most wonderful stepdad is allowed to wonder what on earth a bio-dad is thinking, not providing for the kid. The stepdad, I'm sure, provides these *extras*, but the bio-dad should be helping, or if not helping, not having tantrums just b/c his ex won't write off money he owes to his kid.

I had two stepdads who provided quite a bit to me and my brother. But it never negated that my DAD was the one who should have been providing half of the basics to me.

The whole vent clearly was about who is responsible for dad and his situation and I stand by the fact it is DAD who is totally and 100% responsible for his situation. The judge, the court and the legal system have given him a break. Several times. The money is due HIS child, not the mother.

Bottom line..we can say what we want. THE JUDGE and the court made this decision, not the OP. SHE did all that she could do for her ex. HE chose to go to court and take his chances on getting support lowered. The JUDGE and the COURT decided he had the means to not only pay COURT ORDERED child support but more. What has that got to do with the OP? He made an effort a few times, the COURT said it was not enough, not the OP.

Exactly.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Years ago my dad became unemployed for a while and couldn't make his child support payments. Luckily, my mom worked full time and was able to completely support us without his financial assistance. His money was for extras. My mom forgave the money owed so that when he finally got a job he was starting fresh and didn't have a large debt hanging over him.

As another poster stated, it will not help your ex at all in his job search if he is arrested. The cycle of the unpaid child support debt will continue to grow.

I think there is a difference in a mom who can't put food on the table and the kids are suffering without the child support, and one in which the kids are already well supported and the money is nice, but not necessary.

There is also a big difference between a man who is out of work and wants to work, and one that is purposefully not working to get out of paying child support. It doesn't sound like that is the case here.

 

[ginna74]

he owes the money, and he needs to fork it over or deal with the consiquences.

 

[remyandhollandsmommy]

I will probably regret touching this thread since I am sure to get "yelled at" lol, but I am going through some child support issues as well so I understand your frustration. Do I think you should forgive his arrearage? No, because your children deserve support from TWO adult parents that BOTH had a hand in their making! Even if you don't technically "need" that money to survive then you can put it into savings for your kids for college or a car or whatever they want to spend it on. If you want to allow him to get back on his feet before going after that money and are able to financially do so then I commend you. I on the other hand am not in a position to be so lenient lol.

Also...Sometimes I just don't get how the new girlfriend, fiance or wives of the ex seriously think their poor man should have leniency when he is "struggling" to pay for that evil ex money grubber's rugrats that he unwittingly spawned because he just made a poor choice in mate. Blah blah blah...my heart bleeds for you lol. No one forced him to procreate ladies...and yea I deal with the "new woman" on a regular basis lol. I don't care if you have my ex (heck I wish you luck lol) but I DO care that he still pays for his children.

My situation is a little different than yours, ex has a good job but just doesn't think he should HAVE to pay child support since I have DF. How is it DF's responsibility to pay for ex's children?! The fact that DF has no problems spending his hard earned money on my girls is amazing and I am very grateful, but it is in no way a requirement to his being part of our lives. Nor should it be.

We are constantly in court over my ex's not paying or his requesting the child support be lowered which is ridiculous! While not a "bitter" money grubbing ex wife (LOL), I do not have ONE IOTA OF COMPASSION for him. After all, he had plenty of money to buy three new vehicles (07 Mustang, 08 Escape and a new 10 Camaro) and a 3000sq ft house in the last year. His constant whining in court over not having money to "live on" after paying child support does nothing but make me cranky and annoyed. Live within your means dude!! I do, by cutting back on luxuries we don't HAVE to have. Heck, "I" have trouble keeping up with everything sometimes even WITH DF's help..that pesky 10Gs in credit card debt that ex left in my name probably has something to do with it lol. He is in arrears over 5000.00 that yes we could live without, but getting that money will really help out in paying some of that dang debt! I have no guilt about taking his money that he legally and MORALLY owes towards his children support. And yea, I am spending it on things I need taken care of versus spending it solely on the girls because I have been paying his portion of their support and care when he wasn't!

Umm, sorry for the long takeover "vent" lol, didn't mean to say that much lol. Maybe I am a little bitter lol...

 

[Bluestars]

For me, it would depend on the circumstances. If he is a good father who always does the best he can, and became unemployed through no fault of his own, then I might give him a break. IF he was willing to take any job he could, even if it was low paying, and he paid at least a small amount every week towards the child support. If someone is doing the best they can, even if it's not enough, then I would be more than willing to work with them.

If, on the other hand, he was one of those dads who always tried to get out of paying support, even if it meant getting paid under the table, then I would have little sympathy. Some men go from job to job because they choose not to do what it takes to keep a steady job. Those guys need a wake up call and shouldn't be given a break because they won't learn until they are held accountable for their behavior.

 

[MIGrandma]

I live in Michigan and last I heard our unemployment was the worst in the country, at 15.2%.

My son was paying child support to his ex-wife for their 16-year-old DD and 13-year-old DS. He had a great job in management. Was doing just fine. Then the economy got worse, his company downsized and he found himself out of a job. He was able to draw unemployment for about a year.

During that time he had the child support payments re-evaluated, and it was determined that his ex-wife now had to pay HIM child support. She was making more $$ at her job than he was on unemployment. His ex-wife didn't like it, but that's what happened.

I kind of find it hard to believe that if the OP's ex-husband was out of work, how could the court RAISE his child support payments? Seems kind of strange to me.

My son is back to work (totally different career though) and the child support again was just re-evaluated and he is back to making payments. Not as much as he was before though, as he's not making as much $$$.

His payments are taken right out of his checks.

I don't see how OP can expect her ex-husband to make his regular child support payments if he isn't working, or even just a part-time "payment under the table" kind of job. The man has to make a living for himself too. If he's completely jobless and homeless, or in jail, how does she expect him to make any kind of payment then? Seems to me she could work with him a little during this rough time. What if it was the other way around? Wouldn't she want him to be a little lenient with her on the payments? Sticky situation I guess, but like someone else said you can't get blood out of a turnip.

 

[S. C.]

Ok, so my ex has always been really good with his child support, it was always taken right from his check so we never had any problems. Well last year he lost his job and he still hasn't found another one.

he owes the money, and he needs to fork it over or deal with the consiquences.

The OP did say dad was ALWAYS good about paying his child support. It has only been a problem since he lost his job in these double digit unemployment times. Businesses are closing left and right. Huge corporations and banks are having financial troubles.

While I agree he does owe the child support I really wish the court would take into consideration that he has always been good at paying. Maybe the money he owes could be added on the end, or at least delayed until a job is found. This is clearly not a deadbeat dad, he is a dad who has falling on hard times like millions of others. When he does find a job any income tax refunds he has will go to the OP. I feel bad for all involved here.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

Ok, so my ex has always been really good with his child support, it was always taken right from his check so we never had any problems. Well last year he lost his job and he still hasn't found another one. (At least not a stable one and it is also paid under the table for the one he does do on occassion) Now he is not a bad guy, really. He takes his son every week and some extra if he can manage (I have to ask he never asks to have him extra)

Anyway being unemployed for over a year means I haven't seen any child support for a long time. This summer he had me brought to court to have his support lowered. Well it was raised lol...they didn't like his reasons. (at the time he didn't have a car but there is bus transportation) At this same meeting he asked if we could just drop what he owed me (around $2000) I declined stating that this money is for our son and he had to do without some things he could ahve used had we been getting the support. He gets upset, slams the door on the way out etc.

This past Sept. he is called to court again, this time because he isn't following a court order (paying his support) now he owes more than $3000. They gave him 2 weeks to come up with $500 or he was going to get a bench warrant. I did call the Friend of the court and let them know that I didn't want him to go to jail, he is a good dad and sees his son regularly. They put me through to our officer in charge of our case, I leave a message to see if we can freeze the account until he gets a job. Of course Dad wants me to have them clear what he owes me.

Well his times come up and he pays them $250 not sure where he got the money, don't ask. They don't put a bench warrant out at the time. I figure because he is making an effort. A couple weeks later he pays them $80. Well today he calls me up ticked off because he now has a bench warrant out for him. He makes me feel like it is my fault and there is something I should do about it. A couple weeks agao I said soemthing along the lines that I would consider dropping what he owed but it would be a one time thing..he got mad at me! Wait here I am trying to do something nice for you and you give me attitude...

So now he wants me to contact Friend of the Court for what..not sure. I don't want to do it i am so annoyed by him and this situation.

Another thing that annoys me about it is the fact that my mom seems to be on his side. Doesn't she realize how my husband and I had to struggle for months to put food on the table and pay bills, buy medication (for my son), pay insurance (since his Dad doesn't supply it which he is required to do), not to mention the school supplies he needs, lunch money, etc.

But I should be such a B**ch....ARG!

Uh thanks for reading my vent...

CharityLynn

When you ask your son's dad to "take him extra", do you refund the money he spends on the son during what is supposed to be your time? This time is already factored into his monthly payments to you, so if you ask him to "take him extra", then you should be refunding some of his support payments to cover his expenses with the son during these times.

 

[hereyago]

When you ask your son's dad to "take him extra", do you refund the money he spends on the son during what is supposed to be your time? This time is already factored into his monthly payments to you, so if you ask him to "take him extra", then you should be refunding some of his support payments to cover his expenses with the son during these times.

Not sure if OP has joint custody, but if she is referring to visitation, visitation and support are 2 different things. And support goes by the amount of money he made not by time spent by either parent.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

Not sure if OP has joint custody, but if she is referring to visitation, visitation and support are 2 different things. And support goes by the amount of money he made not by time spent by either parent.

I understand the difference between visitation and support.

However the OP is asking the father to take the boy more than his allotted visitations. While it may not be recognized by the courts, the father is now not only paying her support, but also having to provide meals and whatever else the child needs while with him.

So, not only does the OP want the support money, she also wants the dad to take the son "extra", putting the onus of providing for the son on the dad during these "extra" days on top of his paying support.

 

[WebmasterAlex]

When I read one of these threads it's always really obvious who is getting support and who is paying it

You know what actually struck me about the OP's post? The part where the unemployed guy took her back to court and yet his support was raised. Has to be more to that story.

The question i would have, if someone was crazy enough to make me a judge is how "unemployed" is the father. If the guy is working double shifts at McDonalds before his midnight job stocking and Wal Mart and TRYING to come up with the money that's one thing. If he's sitting at home, sending out 1 resume per week and waiting for someone to call him it's another.

I used to work with a guy who was in a nasty, spiteful divorce and made the bad mistake of not getting a good lawyer. The wife got a really good one. He ended up with a court order to pay more than he made. I read the transcript of that court case and it made no sense at all. I suspect the wife's lawyer and the judge played golf together.

I knew another guy who was really a stand up family guy. Before there was any court order he paid for EVERYTHING, let her live in the house, paid the utilities, just paid and paid. He had a new hydroseeded lawn put in and stopped by 2 weeks later and it was deader than dead. The soon to be ex told him since HE put it in she wasn't about to water it! He then got a lawyer and it cost her a ton of money.

These thing pretty rarely make sense

 

[kellyg403]

You are entitled to your opinions. But you are absolutely wrong about how the ex-wife has nothing to say about how the court makes the decisions and how it's all the court's fault. That's just one way of laying the blame off on someone else.

ok...we will agree to disagree. I am quite sure that I am NOT wrong about the ex wife has anything to say to the court that will change the legal process. In most states, child support is collected through the court system. A custodial parent can do just about everything she would like to do, not force the issue, not take dad back to court etc. Eventually the system catches up with dad. It makes no sense that the dad would go back to court and have his child support RAISED if he had no income. It is VERY common for NCP to go back to court once they have lost or changed a job that have changed their circumstances and it is VERY common for the judge to take these things inot consideration and LOWER the support.

The legal system is designed to not be 'emotional' in its responses. It is designed to find the clear cut bottom line. The court is in effect representing the child's welfare during child support actions and is not, in fact, representing blood hungry ex wives/husbands. The OP can not, nor could anyone, march into the COURT and tell them not to put him in jail or anything of that nature because the court will not change its mind once it has DECIDED what the course of action will be. This was explicity expressed to the OP's ex at the time of the court hearing and he probably was given a copy of the decree issued by the judge at the time. He was in the position of obtaining a lawyer and fixing it or paying the bill until HE could get it changed. I struggle to see where it is anything the OP has the ability to fix.

Look, there are many times that the system seems unjust when actually the system has a clear cut set of rules and actions in MUST follow. Yeah, Michigan is hard hit, yes, we don't want to see dad using the c/s as an excuse not to see the child, yes, we would love for him to be the best dad he could be. That is the emotional side of the response in these situations. Unfortunately the legal system only can take into consideration what they are given as proof, the guidelines for the manadated Child Support and go from there. If the system is faulty, it is up to us to change it at THAT level not the ex wive/husband level. Blaming the OP while giving no blame to the dad who was in the court that day does nothing.

The dad has rights, the courts can not overstep those rights. The child has rights, the court has to protect them. The mom has not taken the ex back to court but the ex has taken her back to court. It did not work out. Something given to the judge made it look like he was not doing what he was supposed to be and had the MEANS to do so.

Beating up the OP is a useless thing. We could go in circles. We all might have a personal experience that colors our reasoning. But as in all things, that is what a lawyer and the court is supposed to throw out and deal only in FACT.

Kelly

 

[PaulaSB12]

Child support isn't money for the mother. It's money to help house and feed the child.

I understand that many people are struggling financially right now.

However, whether this man can't or won't get a job, he still has a legal responsibility to help support his child. And it is his responsibility, not the OP's, to work out something with the court system to avoid jail.

The court system doesn't want the man in jail (using taxpayer dollars to house and feed him) anymore than he wants to be there. I'm fairly certain that if the man was making ANY effort to make SOME payment, the courts would be lenient. However, he is able to feed and clothe himself but not put even $20 towards his child's expenses?

I don't blame the courts for putting out a bench warrant on him. I'd bet dollars to donuts that he manages to come up with some money if it means that or go to jail.

to the OP.

If he cant get a job how is he supposed to pay child support? Maybe rob a bank? I found this about child support if it helps

http://courts.co.calhoun.mi.us/book001.htm

 

[jam217]

Keep in mind, too, that the courts don't have to set the child support amount. I live in Pennsylvania so I'm not sure if this is applicable to other states, but my ex and I have chosen to handle child support on our own using an online support calculator. We plug in our income and deductions and it gives us each our support amount.

Now, I know this certainly wouldn't work for everyone but in our case, it does. When his income decreased because of unemployment, we went back to the computer and plugged in the new numbers and got a new amount. For us, this works and I realize that we're in the minority. I'm not suggesting that the original poster do this. I'm merely stating this so people don't think that the courts have to become involved.

 

[livie1205]

My ex owes 17,000! He owns his own buisness,he spends 600.00 a month at bars and clubs (amount of my support)and stopped paying a year ago! He just does not want to give up the money.My dh even pays my sons health care and all med bills (he has alot) not to mention all clothes and school supply....he even gets us to wdw! My ex WAS found in contempt and will prob get put in jail next week..oh and he got his g friend pregnant (she left him already)so she will file for support also.I am not bitter,I left HIM and I found a great man who I am very happy with (6 yrs)but he needs to help take care of his child! IF you can go to bars every night you CAN pay your support!This is not some guy who feel on hard times...
OP, I hope you get that CS and you can do the things for your son that needs to be done,or maybe even put it in a collage fund (my dh pays to one for my son).I also have to court order to make him comply with my sons med treatment because he will not make sure he takes his meds or go to dr appts!

 

[kellyg403]

If he cant get a job how is he supposed to pay child support? Maybe rob a bank? I found this about child support if it helps

http://courts.co.calhoun.mi.us/book001.htm

Exactly...but the court, even in your link, gives the NCP..even free of charge..ways to fix his situation.

And I also agree with PP who suggested that there are other ways to do the child support without getting the court involved. Its risky, but it DOES work for some. I am in the camp that should you find yourself in a situation to resolve things without the court, doing so allieviates a whole lot of aggravation later on for both parties. However, it is not the case in the OP's situation.

Kelly

 

[MAKmom]

I live in Michigan and last I heard our unemployment was the worst in the country, at 15.2%.

My son was paying child support to his ex-wife for their 16-year-old DD and 13-year-old DS. He had a great job in management. Was doing just fine. Then the economy got worse, his company downsized and he found himself out of a job. He was able to draw unemployment for about a year.

During that time he had the child support payments re-evaluated, and it was determined that his ex-wife now had to pay HIM child support. She was making more $$ at her job than he was on unemployment. His ex-wife didn't like it, but that's what happened.

I kind of find it hard to believe that if the OP's ex-husband was out of work, how could the court RAISE his child support payments? Seems kind of strange to me.

My son is back to work (totally different career though) and the child support again was just re-evaluated and he is back to making payments. Not as much as he was before though, as he's not making as much $$$.

His payments are taken right out of his checks.

I don't see how OP can expect her ex-husband to make his regular child support payments if he isn't working, or even just a part-time "payment under the table" kind of job. The man has to make a living for himself too. If he's completely jobless and homeless, or in jail, how does she expect him to make any kind of payment then? Seems to me she could work with him a little during this rough time. What if it was the other way around? Wouldn't she want him to be a little lenient with her on the payments? Sticky situation I guess, but like someone else said you can't get blood out of a turnip.

It sounds like the OP was only getting maybe $40.00 a week support. I'm guessing from the amount that is owed to her. That may be the reason her support was raised.

He would be collecting unemployment . If your from PA you could be getting as much as $600.00 a week but the OP is from Michigan & it maxes out at $300.00 ish I think