An Adultery Poll

[Freyja]

That is not cheating...they are swingers!

Cheating to me indicates a sneakiness, not an openness about it.

If both partners are ok with it, and the parters they sleep with are ok with it and everyone is a consenting adult then go for it.

I agree! Can´t imagine ever being in such a relationship myself, but don´t consider it cheating.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Love? - Yes!
Respect? - No!

I don't even understand the logic of this answer.

 

[Freyja]

I don't even understand the logic of this answer.

I believe that people who cheat can still love their partners. However I don´t believe they respect them.
In my opinion, the two (love and respect) don´t always go together.

 

[pyrxtc]

I don't think it is lack of love but lack of respect for that person. it is something that I cannot forgive no matter how much we love each other.

 

[Freyja]

i don't think it is lack of love but lack of respect for that person. It is something that i cannot forgive no matter how much we love each other.

ita!

 

[mickeyboat]

While I think people may cheat because there is something wrong in the marriage, I think they mostly cheat because there is something wrong with themselves.

They might be sex addicts, they might have such low self-esteem that they need the constant ego-stroking that cheating provides, they may have issues from their childhoods that they have not worked out, they may not have ever seen a good example of a faithful marriage.

 

[Mkrop]

I agree! Can´t imagine ever being in such a relationship myself, but don´t consider it cheating.

I cant either but whatever floats their boat.

 

[Kat77]

Luckily for all of us who have ever had our hearts broken, I believe love and happiness IS replacable!

Hmm...I think we may agree and my comment reads wrong? I was stating that I don't understand staying in a marriage with a serial cheater for material reasons. I would rather cut my losses to find happiness and love again.

 

[Gigi22]

No, if you cheat on your spouse you don't love them. You are too into your own ego to love anyone at all. Period. Full stop. Now, you may be deluded into thinking you love your spouse and the person(s) you are cheating with--but delusion is part and parcel of the entire ego trip. And, you know, the sad part is that it just doesn't matter. The cheater can justify and rationalize all he/she wants. Nothing he or she does is real, or honest, or counts.

 

[ccgirl]

or they just get better at it so they don't get caught the next time!

Sorry to say that although that is sometimes the case, I am sure, I have seen the opposite. People that have cheated once and never did it again. They worked very hard on their marriage and to correct what was wrong in their marriage.

I never understood this argument. For me, we took a vow of for better for worse, in sickness and in health...PPD would fall under that category. You dont cheat in a marriage bc of someone being sick and not being able to perform.

So it is ok if a husband goes out for "companionship" if his wife is too sick to have sex bc of chemo treatments, or a car accident etc.

I just have never understood why if someone in the relationship was sick why this would be ok to stray...


And if the sexual component is that important to you that you cant stay faithful to a spouse who is sick than maybe you need to reevaluate and get out of the marriage, unless somehow your spouse is ok with you getting those needs fulfilled elsewhere.

I never said it was okay. There was a thread on here a while back where someone was in a car accident and brain damaged. Many people supported a divorce since the brain damaged spouse would never be whole again. Personally, I didn't see a difference between that and the examples you gave above. PPD was just one example. I am just saying that, although it is not right, there are reasons. For example, the spouse that is too busy with their own career, the spouse that always goes out with their friends and neglects their spouse. Again, I am not saying it is right. Sometimes there are reasons for it. Cheating can be a big eye opener that maybe, just maybe, the spouse won't put up with everything. It can really awaken the spouses to work hard on the marriage and fix things and never take each other for granted again.

 

[Kat77]

I never said it was okay. There was a thread on here a while back where someone was in a car accident and brain damaged. Many people supported a divorce since the brain damaged spouse would never be whole again. Personally, I didn't see a difference between that and the examples you gave above. PPD was just one example. I am just saying that, although it is not right, there are reasons. For example, the spouse that is too busy with their own career, the spouse that always goes out with their friends and neglects their spouse. Again, I am not saying it is right. Sometimes there are reasons for it. Cheating can be a big eye opener that maybe, just maybe, the spouse won't put up with everything. It can really awaken the spouses to work hard on the marriage and fix things and never take each other for granted again.

ITA. I've seen instances where you can clearly see why the cheater stepped out, it's usually a nice person who put up with crap far too long. I just don't see branding them with the 'once & always a cheater' label. (To give a very, very bad example- John Gosselin.)

 

[RadioNate]

While I think people may cheat because there is something wrong in the marriage, I think they mostly cheat because there is something wrong with themselves.

They might be sex addicts, they might have such low self-esteem that they need the constant ego-stroking that cheating provides, they may have issues from their childhoods that they have not worked out, they may not have ever seen a good example of a faithful marriage.

I agree. And so does the majority of the research into the subject. As someone who was cheated on, I read a lot. All the big books, all of them, agree that there is something wrong with the cheater.

I'm not perfect & neither was my marriage but there is a reason I didn't cheat and he did.

 

[Mkrop]

Sorry to say that although that is sometimes the case, I am sure, I have seen the opposite. People that have cheated once and never did it again. They worked very hard on their marriage and to correct what was wrong in their marriage.



I never said it was okay. There was a thread on here a while back where someone was in a car accident and brain damaged. Many people supported a divorce since the brain damaged spouse would never be whole again. Personally, I didn't see a difference between that and the examples you gave above. PPD was just one example. I am just saying that, although it is not right, there are reasons. For example, the spouse that is too busy with their own career, the spouse that always goes out with their friends and neglects their spouse. Again, I am not saying it is right. Sometimes there are reasons for it. Cheating can be a big eye opener that maybe, just maybe, the spouse won't put up with everything. It can really awaken the spouses to work hard on the marriage and fix things and never take each other for granted again.

Ok maybe not you but I have seen that argument before and I will never understand it.

Cheating may be an eye opener for some and maybe they can move forward.
For me it would be a dealbreaker, I would never trust them again no matter what the excuse, maybe that is a character flaw for me.

 

[SaraJayne]

For me it is the ulitmate betrayal, and instant dealbreaker.

Actions speak louder than words, so the action of cheating would tell me that they no longer loved their spouse to hurt them so deeply, they can say the words I love you all the want, they just would not indicate to me that this was valid

I agree with this.

I believe if you loved your spouse, you wouldn't cheat on them in the first place.

 

[stargazer2892]

I feel that there are different levels of "cheating". If DH had a drunken one night stand to me that is more forgivable then a long term affair. Now if there are multiple one night stands then there is an issue, heck theres an issue with an one night stand. But it would be something he and I deal with and hopefully work through. I don't think I could handle a long term affair, I think that would be it.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

I firmly believe that sometimes really good people can make really bad mistakes. At some point, we've probably all hurt those we love (to some degree anyway).

Personally, I don't think you can make a blanket statement that says if someone cheats, he/she doesn't love his/her significant other anymore. I don't know what's in someone else's heart and I couldn't possibly ever feel that it was my job to make that determination.

 

[mickeyboat]

I feel that there are different levels of "cheating". If DH had a drunken one night stand to me that is more forgivable then a long term affair. Now if there are multiple one night stands then there is an issue, heck theres an issue with an one night stand. But it would be something he and I deal with and hopefully work through. I don't think I could handle a long term affair, I think that would be it.

I used to feel that way, too, but then I thought how hurt I would be that my DH would risk our entire marriage and family, and hurt me more than I could possibly ever be hurt, for a quick, drunken roll in the hay.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I have been cheated on in the past before being married and it's earth shattering. I know that some people have different definitions of love and that's fine with me, I won't argue, they can be right for them and I can be right for me. Here is how I see it:


Exposing someone to disease who thinks they are safe is not love.

Risking breaking someone's heart is not love.

Opening up your relationship to a stranger is not love.

Taking a chance on destroying a relationship over someone else is not love.

Risking the damage to the children when a parent is rendered a tearful blubbering mess unable to care for anyone is not love.

 

[lustergirl]

IdesOmarch, are you using an alias?

Seems to be alot of aliases running around the boards lately huh???

 

[lustergirl]

I have been cheated on in the past before being married and it's earth shattering. I know that some people have different definitions of love and that's fine with me, I won't argue, they can be right for them and I can be right for me. Here is how I see it:


Exposing someone to disease who thinks they are safe is not love.

Risking breaking someone's heart is not love.

Opening up your relationship to a stranger is not love.

Taking a chance on destroying a relationship over someone else is not love.

Risking the damage to the children when a parent is rendered a tearful blubbering mess unable to care for anyone is not love.

Exactly- been there did that sister and moved on. I was that blabbering idiot who was so heartbroke. The cheater is in love all right: with themselves