I am so discouraged! I only lost .4. So I am still sturggling to get that two pounds off I gained two weeks ago. 10 pounds in three months isn't very much to brag about. Given what I weigh, I should be losing much quicker. Most women my size take off 20 pounds the first month. I know I am trying hard, I know weekends generally are not good but to be losing this slow sucks. And of course, I'm middle aged with hormone issues and that doesn't help. I know these things, but I am still really, really upset and discouraged.
I also have to say, I don't like doing WW with somebody else. My friend is now within a half pound of me, she's been going like four weeks. I am happy for her but that element of competition is making me feel stressed. This was my thing. I had my routiine, I had my meeting time. It was working quite well. Now all of the sudden, she's doing it too, she's catching up and I am only human so of course that is going to frustrate me. I am going at a different time, I don't like as well. She lost three pounds this week, and I lost .4 and I felt like I came in last place and I hate that. I don't think today's measly loss following my gain of two weeks ago would have bothered me that much had I been alone. And what makes me feel terrible even writing this is that so often she'll tell me I motivate her. Which is great, but I need to motivate myself. Its not like I can say, "well that's nice but to be honest, ever since I started doing this with you, my whacked out sense of craziness is kicking in and I'm not losing". I love having a workout partner, not so sure about a Weight Watchers partner!
I think the thing that I have never liked about doing WW with somebody else is it brings back years and years of memories where my sister and I growing up had this thing where the whole family knew what we both weighed. My whole life, I was the fat sister. I was taller, bigger boned, bigger feet and heavier even though I was 8 years younger. I have upsetting memories of being 11 and weighing almost as much as my 19 year old sister. I can still feel the humilation of being at family dinners and hearing somebody say "Amy is 8 years younger but look, she already weighs more than Lisa". There were times God rest her, my mom would even tell others, "my 14 year old weighs more than I do". So today, to have this "wow, I've lost as much as you" thing suddenly made me back in my grannie's kitchen listening to how me even with being the youngest was still the heaviest woman in the room. I am so tired of always being the fattest person I know, the one that has been overweight the longest and knowing that everyone in my life wonders why I don't lose weight. Pretty much everyone I know right now, has never seen me thin or even normal. I've weighed over 200 pounds for the past 16 years. Growing up, I rarely got compliments other than the dreaded "you're too pretty to be fat".
I know this is a TOM thing (both the weight loss and my mood), I know that 10 pounds in 3 months is still a good thing, but to be in this stage, to have a friend who has spent one third the time and have the same loss is upsetting. When I went alone, it felt non threatening, I went when I wanted to and now suddenly its all different. I just need to get a grip and keep on keeping on.
I am so thankful she and I hooked up and cliqued. Because I know I wouldn't have joined the rec center if not for her. I just need to find a way to be more comfortable with doing WW with her. Its my issue, certainly not hers. And points out to me, I have a long ways to go with the emotional component of this. Which I guess makes sense. Being overweight or worrying I will get back to being overweight has been a fact of my life for over 30 years. Sorry to go on and on, I am just really sad and discouraged. And I have to find a way to survive this weekend. We have dinner out tomorrow night with our good friends so I need to enjoy the night, have a little splurge but that is IT for the whole weekend. I also think maybe I need to add my acitivty points in. My leader said given the amount of exercise I am doing, I need those extra points. I never take them because I feel like they are my cushion. If I forget to put something down in my WW Tracker or on here, I know I have those couple of points to cover that.
I'd like to take my ovaries and uterus and blow them up in my front yard right now!