Am I wrong?

[KandD]

OK I need help from my fellow DISers.

My significant other and I have lived together for a few years. His family stops by without calling pretty much everytime they come over (not very often, maybe once or twice a month). I have always thought that this was INCREDIBLY rude.

I just found out that they think that WE are rude because we don't always invite them in. Sometimes we will just stand outside or sometimes they do come in. I actually never even realized that it was rude of us not to invite them in. I suppose now that I think about it it's not the most polite thing. But what do you think? I have always thought that you are supposed to call before coming over but they say that because we are family that it is the "normal" thing to do. Am I alone in how I feel??

 

[Handbag Lady]

They should call before coming over.

You don't have to invite them in unless you want them in.

I have only once gone to my sister's house uninvited (or at least called first). We live about 45 minutes away and we just happened to be in her area and I had to use the potty! I did call on the cell first but she didn't answer. Turns out she ate at the same restaurant we did just before we came over, only she did take-out when we were in the dining area.

 

[SC Minnie]

Not a fan of the 'pop ins'. I agree with you they should call first.

 

[piglet too]

Even if it is a five minute warning, they should call. Five minutes gives you enough time to get dressed if you are still in pjs, clean up the mess from dinner if you just left it there, and in my case, get all the clean clothes off the couch that I keep neglecting to fold. If my living room is particularly bad, I will not invite someone in who just drops by. Or, I will at least make them sit outside with the kids or DH while I pick up real fast.

 

[LuvOrlando]

If you are your SO are in agreement I think the best way to handle this is:
The next time they show up unannounced meet them at the door with your keys in your hand and tell them they caught you off to run an important errand and how much you'd like to see them but can't because you didn't expect them. Sure its an inconvenience for you for a few months but unless you make their behavior negative for them I think you're only rewarding their poor manners. Why should they bother changing their ways if they get what they want anyway?

 

[eeyoremum]

This is a battle I have been fighting and losing for all the 16 years I have been married. It is beyond rude to just show up. Plus my inlaws just walk in my house which drives me nuts. Oh and you have to serve them they do not help themselves...rant over.

I agree it is rude. Don't know how to stop it though.

 

[HM]

I have a couple questions? It seems like you do not want to see these family members. Is that the case? Why would you not invite them in? Is your house a mess or do you think they'd stay too long? I guess I just don't get your response.

If it were my sisters or parents (they live close by) or my nieces (that live a town over), I would be very happy to see them no matter what circumstance brought them by and whether they called in advance or not. I love seeing them.

 

[LilyLake]

I don't think you're wrong.

I only have one person in my life who drops in. It's my MIL. And, as with a previous poster, she just walks right in. Raps on the door, opens it, and says "knock knock" in a sing/song voice. I think she knows that it bothers me, because I'm miraculously always in a bad mood when she does it , but she doesn't care. She does what she wants to do. Sometimes she calls when she's on her way over, but I don't think 45 seconds counts as "calling ahead".

 

[Praying Colonel]

IMHO it's rude to pop in on someone without calling first. OTOH, if someone calls on me I believe I should invite them in.

If I were in your shoes I'd have a talk with the SO, come to a consensus and then he needs to talk to his folks about it since they're his family.

 

[mjkacmom]

My parents live in town, stop by all of the time, and just walk in - I'd never expect family to ring the doorbell. DH's parents live an hour away, but have stopped by without calling, if they happened to be in the area - I'm always very happy to see them, and would never think not to ask them in.

 

[sbell111]

My inlaws do a combination of the following:

• Show up unannounced
• Wander into our house without even knocking
• Not come in and just sit in their car until we go out and get them
• Call from our street to let us know they are coming over.

It all drives me nuts, but there's nothing I can do about it without being labeled a jerk.

 

[shortbun]

This is a battle I have been fighting and losing for all the 16 years I have been married. It is beyond rude to just show up. Plus my inlaws just walk in my house which drives me nuts. Oh and you have to serve them they do not help themselves...rant over.

I agree it is rude. Don't know how to stop it though.

'Serve them?' Ohhhh-I'd put a stop to that right now if they insisted on walking in....can't have it both ways folks!!!

OP-have your SO lay down the law. He should tell them they are welcome anytime but MUST call ahead or don't expect to be invited inside. They are the rude ones but reading other posts-at least they don't walk in!!

Quick, change your locks and draw the blinds. TG neither of our families behaves this way. We all have boundaries and it's even clearer today how great that is!

 

[ols386]

I don't care for it when someone just "pops-in" without calling first. I never pop-in to anyone's house, without at least calling first.

But I do know people who do just come by, unannounced, and they honestly don't think anything about it....probably because it doesn't bother them for others to just pop-in at their house.

I think if you want your in-laws to call before coming, I don't see anything wrong with politely letting them know it.

 

[shortbun]

I have a couple questions? It seems like you do not want to see these family members. Is that the case? Why would you not invite them in? Is your house a mess or do you think they'd stay too long? I guess I just don't get your response.

If it were my sisters or parents (they live close by) or my nieces (that live a town over), I would be very happy to see them no matter what circumstance brought them by and whether they called in advance or not. I love seeing them.

Many people have boundaries in their lives that are different than yours. It doesn't mean that there isn't love between the families. Sometimes the family that lives in my house is engaged in private or personal activity and having people walk in would be pretty much of an invasion of my privacy. kwim? It is polite to call ahead and even more important to knock. Why not just put a 'walk on in' sign on your front door? Ridiculous you say? See, that's how I feel about people being so familiar that they just walk in my house, even if it's my sister. I can only think of two reasons to just walk in. A criminal is chasing you OR there's that sign on the door. Well, maybe if you're expected and there's no overhang in the drenching rain.

 

[m&m's mom]

We are talking about his PARENTS, right?
I cannot imagine calling my parents 10 mins away every time we come over or they come to our house. I also feel it is very rude to not invite them in, invited or not.
I guess we are just an open comfortable family. We have been caught in our pajamas before etc. but so what- they're my PARENTS.

 

[NMAmy]

Many people have boundaries in their lives that are different than yours. It doesn't mean that there isn't love between the families. Sometimes the family that lives in my house is engaged in private or personal activity and having people walk in would be pretty much of an invasion of my privacy. kwim? It is polite to call ahead and even more important to knock. Why not just put a 'walk on in' sign on your front door? Ridiculous you say? See, that's how I feel about people being so familiar that they just walk in my house, even if it's my sister. I can only think of two reasons to just walk in. A criminal is chasing you OR there's that sign on the door. Well, maybe if you're expected and there's no overhang in the drenching rain.

And most families will have the same boundaries or lack thereof. In my family, it's perfectly normal to just stop by and perfectly normal to just walk in. In fact, my mother yells at me if I ring the doorbell at her house. She's 76 and she prefers me to let myself in instead of having to get up and come to the front door. She tells me that's why I have a key.

The problem usually comes when you add in-laws to the mix. OP--have you told your in-laws you'd like a heads up that they're coming over? (Or has your SO?) If you have let them know this, then I don't think it's rude to not let them in. If they have no idea this is bothering you, then yes, you're being rude by not inviting them in. Just expecting them to know what you want is silly.

 

[KandD]

And most families will have the same boundaries or lack thereof. In my family, it's perfectly normal to just stop by and perfectly normal to just walk in. In fact, my mother yells at me if I ring the doorbell at her house. She's 76 and she prefers me to let myself in instead of having to get up and come to the front door. She tells me that's why I have a key.

The problem usually comes when you add in-laws to the mix. OP--have you told your in-laws you'd like a heads up that they're coming over? (Or has your SO?) If you have let them know this, then I don't think it's rude to not let them in. If they have no idea this is bothering you, then yes, you're being rude by not inviting them in. Just expecting them to know what you want is silly.

You are right, I guess they don't know that it bothers us (and to answer a PP it is US my SO feels the same way but I don't think he will address it).

I guess I just find it rude because I am usually in the middle of something. And even if I'm not a little notice would be nice. Its not that I don't want to see them but that I would like a little warning. It is not just his parents but his sister as well.

I don't know, I have gotten a lot of good feed back. I guess the real answer is to let them know how I feel about the "pop ins" and if it doesn't make a difference then at least I tried.

 

[Scurvy]

You are not wrong - they are.

However, the norm is different for different families and what would be rude for one family might be completely normal for another. Have you made them aware of your boundaries? If you've asked them to call before coming by and they are still refusing to do so then they are being rude. Frankly, in that case I'd go further than not inviting them in. I wouldn't open the door at all. I would just ignore the knocking/doorbell completely.

There's nothing wrong with coming by unannounced as long as that's okay with the people you are coming to visit. Since it isn't okay with you (and it wouldn't be okay with me, either) then they need to respect your feelings on this. Frankly, many people consider it rude to call and infrom someone you're coming by - they feel you should wait for an invitation. At least you aren't making them wait until you invite them.

 

[HM]

Many people have boundaries in their lives that are different than yours. It doesn't mean that there isn't love between the families. Sometimes the family that lives in my house is engaged in private or personal activity and having people walk in would be pretty much of an invasion of my privacy. kwim? It is polite to call ahead and even more important to knock. Why not just put a 'walk on in' sign on your front door? Ridiculous you say? See, that's how I feel about people being so familiar that they just walk in my house, even if it's my sister. I can only think of two reasons to just walk in. A criminal is chasing you OR there's that sign on the door. Well, maybe if you're expected and there's no overhang in the drenching rain.

You read something into my post that I didn't say. I never mentioned just walking into the house and neither did the OP whom I was talking to. That would be a different matter to take up.

 

[RachelEllen]

I wouldn't address it at all! I think your SO needs to take care of this one!

I would completely agree with you if we were talking about a neighbor or friend. However, I think family is different. Not that they shouldn't call. (My mom now works five minutes from my house, but still always calls before stopping by) But, that if not calling is the way things are done in their family, well, you are family now!

If it doesn't work for your SO either (or, if it does work for him, but he is willing to make a different rule for your combined household) then he needs to present to his family as a joint (rather than your!) decision.