Am I wrong?

[bunny]

meandtheguys2, did you have some resentment towards stepmom1 for helping to break up your family? Did you ever want to call her mom? Would you have even wanted to go on vacation with them or would you have preferred your dad taking you somewhere alone?

 

[meandtheguys2]

I was 5...I would have taken any love and all care. Had she been kind, I would have been her fan for life. That is the way kids are. It took me several years to figure out that she didn't like us, didn't want us, etc. And I didn't know until I was an adolescent, that she had been involved in the break-up. My grandma pointed that out one day...

eta: As a counselor, I've seen to it that I am absolutely an advocate for the kids. I don't give a crap about the parent's issues, frankly. They all have a part in what the child has been put through, and they'd all better see to it they do right by the kids, imb.

And I will/and do state the same in the courtroom.

 

[DVCLiz]

DVCLiz- don't you know in all Disney films, the mom is dead and the stepmom is still evil? And the stepsiblings are always treated great and the real daughter is beautiful and abused.

I strongly agree that all children should be treated with respect and kindness. But it is not realistic to expect the OP to love her stepchildren the same way she loves her own child. As it would not be realistic (or wanted) for the stepchildren to love her the same as their own mother.

I was just responding to nicolepa's post - my daughters don't have a stepmother because "something happened to me" and he remarried. They have a stepmother because he left me for my best friend. And I am thankful that she loves them, but I resent greatly the circumstances that put her in that positiion.

I agree with your post. I know that I would never love stepchildren the way I love my own daughters.

 

[DVCLiz]

Liz, my mom was thrilled when stepmom #2 came into our lives. They both had the same goal, to heal our family. She has no resentment, they exchange gifts, and they even arranged a time when DH and I could visit out there without the kids this fall. My mom watched them for us. (My mom is an angel!)

Stepmom #2 was a witch who didn't care that my dad (absolutely at fault) was married, and acted like she liked us until she had my sister. My mom still treated her with respect, and encouraged us to be able to spend time with our dad. This would have included us vacationing with them, etc. (Fat chance that ever came up!)

I guess my point is that all children should be and feel loved by the adults who are in control of their lives. No, that obviously isn't reality, but shame on the adults who don't make it happen.

Yes, and shame on your dad, too. That's my beef with this whole scenario. The moms and stepmoms are left to fight it out, even if both of them are basically good, decent people. The dad who cheated on his wife and put the family into turmoil usually gets off scot-free.

 

[ilovejack02]

DVCLiz- don't you know in all Disney films, the mom is dead and the stepmom is still evil? And the stepsiblings are always treated great and the real daughter is beautiful and abused.

I strongly agree that all children should be treated with respect and kindness. But it is not realistic to expect the OP to love her stepchildren the same way she loves her own child. As it would not be realistic (or wanted) for the stepchildren to love her the same as their own mother.

I guess i just dont get that thought that its "just not realistic" for Us (stepparents) not to love the child as our own! Just because I didnt give birth to him doesnt mean i dont have the capability to love a child as much as one I gave birth too. I dont know how my oldest feels about me compared to his mother, i dont ask and never will lol. I know he is pleased with how his childhood went and his mother says that how I treated him growing up had alot to do with it. I want him to have fond memories of his childhood and not be a resentful and bitter adult because of how I treated him, Heck everyone should want that for their own stepchildren.
People that adopt and then go onto having their own children say they love their children just as much as their own.
I knew what I was getting into when I got married ... I knew it was motherhood and not just weekend playmate situation. I will say I dont try to take over as his "real" mom, but was always waiting in the wings with open arms.
Once again I know im rambling lol... ive just got some many thoughts on this subject its hard to get it all straight.

PS dont think that we have always had a happy relationship with my oldest bio mom.heck we dont at all... I dont like her and she doesnt like me AT ALL we have very different views on life... but she respects Brad's and mine relationship and I respect theirs and that is what matters.

 

[ilovejack02]

Maybe it has something to do with the age I got my oldest at. He had just turned 5 by a cpl of weeks... he was still such a baby, and how can you resist that lol.

 

[bunny]

ilovejack02, I really respect and admire you for feeling that way about him. And I am sure it does have something to do with the age he was. Also it is different when you adopt. They are truly yours and you aren't waiting in the wings. Did you feel that way instantly about him or did it take time to develop? I love my stepchildren too but that took years. I have loved my own children since birth.

 

[missmun52]

I have not read this entire thread but I do not think that you should leave your step children out by any means. It is your decision but having a child come into the world thats yours and your husbands can be difficult for any child. Baby gets all the attention, everything is focused on the new arrival. Many bio children have some resentment towards the new arrival for awhile and if you did this with step children it may be even more difficult. The children may come to resent you and the child as they see you as taking dad away by trying to give him another family where you push them out.

I know someone who hated thier step mother because of things like this. Her mom was well off and bought her many things but dad always said "I dont have it" which was not too bad until he had children with step mom and they bought them toys, took them places ect. Looking at it from an adults view you say well she had everything already so I dont need to get her anything this time. From her she felt, and shared with me when we were children, that her dad loved them more because while he said he did not have for her he had for them and she grew to resent her father also. I am not saying your situation would be the same but think about it from a childs view. And In that case it was the step mother who wanted this also because she wanted to give her child everything as any mother would and her step daughter had this life at home. (children generally do not and will not understand money till they get real life responsibilities, so dont try telling them you only have enough for the one)

While I can understand the desire to have just time with your husband and new child. deciding to be with someone who already has children comes with certain responsibilities and think of the message you are sending to your husband by not wanting to take them this time, he may not say anything as many men dont but how would you feel if you had a child that wa not his and he suggested this to you even with the most pure of intentions?

 

[ilovejack02]

ilovejack02, I really respect and admire you for feeling that way about him. And I am sure it does have something to do with the age he was. Also it is different when you adopt. They are truly yours and you aren't waiting in the wings. Did you feel that way instantly about him or did it take time to develop? I love my stepchildren too but that took years. I have loved my own children since birth.

Oh no I wasnt just head over heals about him instantly that took awhile, but I did take to him immediately. Maybe its because Ive had him so long too, I feel like he is all mine even though i have to share lol. Its just a feeling I dont know. I also know that when he finally gets married and has kids those grandbabies will be all mine too... none of this stepgrandchildren crap. My dad's stepmom has always treated me as one of her own and in fact because of crazy family dynamics I had NO IDEA she wasnt my actual blood relative until i was prob 7. I dont think of her as a step at all in fact i forget most of the time and I dont want Brad's kids to feel that way either. I had lots of grandparents who adored me and I want Brad's kids to have the same thing.

 

[la79al]

Okay, I guess it's time I show up again. I adore my husbands children from his first marriage. I don't really know how to explain exactly how much. They are constantly in my thoughts and my very first concern when they are actually here (and a lot of times when they are not). I call them "my steppies" because they are little kids and the term stepchildren makes them sound old and like I don't give a crap about them. I would not dream of calling them my kids. To begin with, their mother that actually gave birth to them and is still very much a part of their lives, would not be very happy and things go badly when she is not happy. Second of all, the kids know that I am their stepmom not their mom and it would make them very uncomfortable if I called them my kids.
My husband does not have primary custody of the kids. He gets them every other weekend and 2 nights of the week and a couple of weeks over the summer. Even this time, although court ordered is not always guaranteed.
Let me say again that when my DH said no more Disney for at least 5 years, I was perfectly fine with that. He is the one who now is saying that he might want to take the baby to see the reaction of a toddler. I don't know that the reaction of a toddler is going to be worth the work of actually taking a toddler to Disney, especially since DH has already agreed that the toddler will not remember the trip.
If we did decide to take the baby to DW, I would not consider that a family trip. I would consider it a trip to see the reaction of the baby because that is why DH wants to do it. Family trips are things like next summers camping trip (with an 8 week old, just because I know that my husbands children from his first marriage will love it). And the zoo and the circus and Disney on Ice and a million other things that will get planned around my husbands children from his first marriage if they say they want to go. I think a trip to DW with a 2 year old, a 14 year old and an 8 year old would end up being a 'well you take this kid and go here while I wait here with this kid and then we'll go and do this but I know that this kid is not going to like it and then everyone will end up miserable' sort of thing. Not anything close to a nice family vacation.
My intention is not whatsoever to try to replace my husbands kids from his first marriage with his kid(s) from his second marriage. They are all his kids and I knew that coming into the relationship and don't tell him but I think his kids were the selling point. If he wants to take all of the kids to DW, that is fine by me. I was merely pointing out that if he wants to take the baby to see a toddlers reaction, it would be cheaper to go in the fall. Unfortunetly there is no way we would be able to take the older children at this time due to not having primary custody. If he wants to take a 'family trip' then obviously we would go in the summer when the older children would be more likely to be able to go along and that would be fine. If he wants to wait 5 years and see who wants to go at that point, I am more than willing to wait.
Oh, and for the record, if the baby ever becomes a stepchild and DH wants to take them to DW with his new wife, I will be very realistic in understanding that it makes more sense to take them in the fall and they will not die from missing a week of school and it will not make me look like the bad parent because DH and his wife are taking them to DW and I am not.

 

[MiniGirl]

.

 

[meandtheguys2]

Minigirl, I am so sad that you think my statements are directed toward the parents that want to make good, and try to do what it right. It sounds as though you are dealing with a horrible person. There are surely those kinds of people out there. As I stated earlier, I am an advocate for children. The adults screwed up and made bad choices, not the kids. And the kids are the ones who pay for it. It sounds like yours are paying dearly. I hope that eventually your husband is able to work out a relationship with them. It took my sister moving out of her mom's house (stepmom #1) for her to see how her mom had done all that was possible to alienate her from our dad.

My issue is entirely with people who have no intention of treating their "steppies" like their own children. Poor things, the little girl is only 6. Her husband wants the kids along, but she has no intention of planning around their schedule. I'm sure she will plan around her child's schedule for many years to come. And the idea that Disney isn't a "family trip" is ridiculous at best! It is just to see a babies reaction...

 

[Nicolepa]

Dying and getting divorced are two separate issues. What if your husband left you for another woman, took the kids with him and then severely limited your access to them? Then the courts ordered you to give this new family half of your income (further limiting your access to them due to financial reasons esp if they lived far away). Then the new stepmom pretended like you didn't exist as did your ex. Would you still want them to call your stepmom mom? Get real!

Honestly, yes. Would I be upset at the father and his wife for their behavior? You bet I would. But I would never want my kids to feel like they had to choose or prove they loved me more. Or have to worry that loving their other mother would upset me.

My BIL is divorced and remarried. This woman will not even acknowldge that the ex-wife exists and she does what she can to pretend that the daughter does not exisit as well. My poor neice is not allowed to mention her mother when she is there. Her father and step-mother continually tell her what a horrible person her mother is. The poor girl is so confused because she loves her mom but everyone tells her she shouldn't. I would never want my kids to be put in that position and I would do whatever I could to make it easier for them. No matter how I felt about the other adults in the situation it is not the childs fault and I would never want them to feel guilty for being happy.

They have 50/50 custody. One week at a time. My ex-SIL pays child support and daycare expenses. My BIL isn't even providing a bed for his daughter at this time. The step-mom has moved them into her 1 bedroom condo and my neice has to sleep on the sofa with her step-grandma, who doesn't speak a word of english on the sofa bed right next to her. Her father & wife take at least 1 trip a month. Guess how many have included the daughter....yup 0.

I know for a fact that while the ex-wife hates how her ex treats her she would give anything for him to have married a woman that loved and adored her child as much as she does.

 

[livie1205]

sometimes you cant plan EVERYTHING together....we have his,mine and ours but we just say they are ours...BUT we do not always travel together, thats is just the way it is..and for some people going to DISNEY WORLD is not a huge family vacation all the time, we live in florida we go often and we have taken all the kids together and all one at a time....they go on vacations with their other familys and with us...now we are planning a cruise we would not leave one behind BUT like i said sometimes we dont all go.....now with the cruise the other parent has to sign the form for the passport (both have to sign) so if one does not agree THEY will have to explain to them why they are not going to go,it will be on them and no our divorces were not good on either side but we work with what we have and thats all you can do....DO NOT let anyone here tell you what you are doing is wrong, they are not you.

 

[meandtheguys2]

..DO NOT let anyone here tell you what you are doing is wrong, they are not you.

LOL, and don't ask, if you don't want to know!

 

[Whosemom]

Now that DH and I are expecting our first child together, I am terrified that I am going to be so wrapped up in my own child that the stepkids get lost in the background. That being said, DH really wants to take this baby to DW when it is around 2, old enough to think it is neat but young enough to be free. We were talking about it and I was telling him how much cheaper it would be to go in the fall. He said 'what about the other 2'. I said we have taken them twice (2005 & 2007) and we can't take them out of school anyhow. So now I am wondering if I am already becoming a horrible stepmother. It's not that I wouldn't want to take them for any reason (well stepson seemed less than excited about our trip this summer and a 17 hour car ride with 2 kids and a toddler does not give me warm fuzzies) it's more like if DH wants to take junior to see juniors reaction, I think it would be cheaper and more practical to take just junior. Opinions?

Okay, I guess it's time I show up again. I adore my husbands children from his first marriage. I don't really know how to explain exactly how much. They are constantly in my thoughts and my very first concern when they are actually here (and a lot of times when they are not). I call them "my steppies" because they are little kids and the term stepchildren makes them sound old and like I don't give a crap about them. I would not dream of calling them my kids. To begin with, their mother that actually gave birth to them and is still very much a part of their lives, would not be very happy and things go badly when she is not happy. Second of all, the kids know that I am their stepmom not their mom and it would make them very uncomfortable if I called them my kids.
My husband does not have primary custody of the kids. He gets them every other weekend and 2 nights of the week and a couple of weeks over the summer. Even this time, although court ordered is not always guaranteed.
Let me say again that when my DH said no more Disney for at least 5 years, I was perfectly fine with that. He is the one who now is saying that he might want to take the baby to see the reaction of a toddler. I don't know that the reaction of a toddler is going to be worth the work of actually taking a toddler to Disney, especially since DH has already agreed that the toddler will not remember the trip.
If we did decide to take the baby to DW, I would not consider that a family trip. I would consider it a trip to see the reaction of the baby because that is why DH wants to do it. Family trips are things like next summers camping trip (with an 8 week old, just because I know that my husbands children from his first marriage will love it). And the zoo and the circus and Disney on Ice and a million other things that will get planned around my husbands children from his first marriage if they say they want to go. I think a trip to DW with a 2 year old, a 14 year old and an 8 year old would end up being a 'well you take this kid and go here while I wait here with this kid and then we'll go and do this but I know that this kid is not going to like it and then everyone will end up miserable' sort of thing. Not anything close to a nice family vacation.
My intention is not whatsoever to try to replace my husbands kids from his first marriage with his kid(s) from his second marriage. They are all his kids and I knew that coming into the relationship and don't tell him but I think his kids were the selling point. If he wants to take all of the kids to DW, that is fine by me. I was merely pointing out that if he wants to take the baby to see a toddlers reaction, it would be cheaper to go in the fall. Unfortunetly there is no way we would be able to take the older children at this time due to not having primary custody. If he wants to take a 'family trip' then obviously we would go in the summer when the older children would be more likely to be able to go along and that would be fine. If he wants to wait 5 years and see who wants to go at that point, I am more than willing to wait.
Oh, and for the record, if the baby ever becomes a stepchild and DH wants to take them to DW with his new wife, I will be very realistic in understanding that it makes more sense to take them in the fall and they will not die from missing a week of school and it will not make me look like the bad parent because DH and his wife are taking them to DW and I am not.

LOL. Do you see how the attitude in these is different? You are like me. Spit something out, then after thinking it through more, make yourself much more explicetly clear.

I think- BRAVO - you are going to do a fine job. But some of that give-and-take on vacation is what makes a family. It is a good thing, if modeled well by the adults. And the big kids I know with little kids in the family like to see those toddler reactions, too. At that point in time it might be the very cement you need! ESPECIALLY if things are going poorly. And evidently, your DH didn't picture it without the bigs. I'd try to plan it that way.

 

[MiniGirl]

Minigirl, I am so sad that you think my statements are directed toward the parents that want to make good, and try to do what it right. It sounds as though you are dealing with a horrible person. ...

No Michelle, I'm the one who is sorry. You'll notice that I went back and edited my post. I never meant to come down on you. Sometimes it just seems as though as a non-custodial parent (and a step-parent) we are always the bad guys. Some of my closest friends didn't understand how hard it was for us, and always kind of made me the bad guy. You know, maybe if I just tried harder, they would come around. Stuff like that. The OP has posted her situation a bit more clearly. Before though, we didn't know the story, and I knew there could be dozens of reasons why she wouldn't want to bring her step-kids. It bothered me that she was being crucified without anyone asking her why she felt the way she did. It bothered me because I saw me in her post.

Also, my situation, unfortunately, isn't all that unique. Even though my post was up for just a few minutes, I received several PMs from people stating they were in similiar situations, and I find it heartbreaking. I see all the time these children are losing with parents who love them and how much these kids and these relationships are suffering, and it breaks my heart. I just hate that people who once loved each other enough to get married and have kids can't put their anger and bitterness aside and do what is best for the kids that came from that love relationship.

Also, I think that we need to remember that each family defines family vacation differently. To our family, WDW is not a big vacation. We live 90 miles away and go several times a year -- often without my dh. I have also taken each of my girls to WDW alone and left the other at home with dad. My dh and I have also gone for a day -- leaving the girls at home with a friend. I have even gone by myself leaving my dh and kiddos at home. Seems as if I'm the only one that doesn't ever get left at home. Maybe that is why I don't think taking a trip to WDW without the entire family is a big deal. However, as I have said before, if dh wanted ALL of his children to go, then that is what we would try our best to do.

 

[wannabee]

My twin stepdaughters were 12 when our son was born. I could not imagine leaving them behind if we went on a family trip. It was difficult enough for them when their Dad had another child. I love the fact that our son loves his sisters and they love him. I think that excluding them will lead to resentment. It can not be good for your child's relationship with his/her siblings. Or for your relationship with them or their father.

 

[Toot Sweet]

Okay, I guess it's time I show up again. I adore my husbands children from his first marriage. I don't really know how to explain exactly how much. They are constantly in my thoughts and my very first concern when they are actually here (and a lot of times when they are not). I call them "my steppies" because they are little kids and the term stepchildren makes them sound old and like I don't give a crap about them. I would not dream of calling them my kids. To begin with, their mother that actually gave birth to them and is still very much a part of their lives, would not be very happy and things go badly when she is not happy. Second of all, the kids know that I am their stepmom not their mom and it would make them very uncomfortable if I called them my kids.
My husband does not have primary custody of the kids. He gets them every other weekend and 2 nights of the week and a couple of weeks over the summer. Even this time, although court ordered is not always guaranteed.
Let me say again that when my DH said no more Disney for at least 5 years, I was perfectly fine with that. He is the one who now is saying that he might want to take the baby to see the reaction of a toddler. I don't know that the reaction of a toddler is going to be worth the work of actually taking a toddler to Disney, especially since DH has already agreed that the toddler will not remember the trip.
If we did decide to take the baby to DW, I would not consider that a family trip. I would consider it a trip to see the reaction of the baby because that is why DH wants to do it. Family trips are things like next summers camping trip (with an 8 week old, just because I know that my husbands children from his first marriage will love it). And the zoo and the circus and Disney on Ice and a million other things that will get planned around my husbands children from his first marriage if they say they want to go. I think a trip to DW with a 2 year old, a 14 year old and an 8 year old would end up being a 'well you take this kid and go here while I wait here with this kid and then we'll go and do this but I know that this kid is not going to like it and then everyone will end up miserable' sort of thing. Not anything close to a nice family vacation.
My intention is not whatsoever to try to replace my husbands kids from his first marriage with his kid(s) from his second marriage. They are all his kids and I knew that coming into the relationship and don't tell him but I think his kids were the selling point. If he wants to take all of the kids to DW, that is fine by me. I was merely pointing out that if he wants to take the baby to see a toddlers reaction, it would be cheaper to go in the fall. Unfortunetly there is no way we would be able to take the older children at this time due to not having primary custody. If he wants to take a 'family trip' then obviously we would go in the summer when the older children would be more likely to be able to go along and that would be fine. If he wants to wait 5 years and see who wants to go at that point, I am more than willing to wait.
Oh, and for the record, if the baby ever becomes a stepchild and DH wants to take them to DW with his new wife, I will be very realistic in understanding that it makes more sense to take them in the fall and they will not die from missing a week of school and it will not make me look like the bad parent because DH and his wife are taking them to DW and I am not.

So you don't really even want to go then? You won't be enjoying it at all? It's JUST to see the reaction of a toddler? Wow, I'm sure that'll go over big with the step-children. The fact that you are already planning a trip that is two years away makes it appear that it means a little more to you than just goig to see the reaction of a toddler. And even if it was that clinical for you, it isn't that clinical for a child. You need to take your step-children's feelings into consideration.

 

[Crazy4Disney72]

I was 5...I would have taken any love and all care. Had she been kind, I would have been her fan for life. That is the way kids are. It took me several years to figure out that she didn't like us, didn't want us, etc. And I didn't know until I was an adolescent, that she had been involved in the break-up. My grandma pointed that out one day...

eta: As a counselor, I've seen to it that I am absolutely an advocate for the kids. I don't give a crap about the parent's issues, frankly. They all have a part in what the child has been put through, and they'd all better see to it they do right by the kids, imb.

And I will/and do state the same in the courtroom.

On behalf of all stepchildren, thank you, Michelle, for speaking up for the kids caught in the middle, the kids who had absolutely nothing to do with what happened to their families and who are the true victims of divorce.