Am I the only one?

[MushyMushy]

I think this is kind of a timely question considering what day it is.

Am I the only one who doesn't feel the need to memorialize? When loved ones pass away, I grieve, go to the funeral/memorial and then continue to grieve in my own way. I don't visit gravesites, don't feel the need to put memorials in the newspaper, don't do anything special on the anniversary date. My mother died in 2008 and family members feel like I don't care anymore because I don't want to put flowers on the grave every holiday or season change. They'll say snide things to me and act accusatory. My father and aunt actually said I didn't care! I didn't want to put a memorial in the paper on her anniversary date, so nobody spoke to me for a few days around then. I have never been back to visit any of my grandparents' graves. I guarantee if I lost someone to a car accident, I would not want to mark the site in any way.

It's not that these deaths don't sadden me -- they do! I still think of them all often. Same with 9/11. I think about it all the time! But I just don't feel the need to memorialize.

 

[Pigeon]

I feel the same. I haven't visited my mother's grave and I drive right by the cemetery on a daily basis. I think about her all the time. I don't want a funeral--I want to be cremated, and have my loved ones have a big party six months later. My anniversary isn't a biggie for me. My ongoing relationship with my spouse is.


I'm also not into rituals or symbolism. The flag, for example, doesn't mean much to me. I love my country, but a symbol of it is a piece of cloth to me. I skipped my own graduation ceremonies. I value my education, but the ritual just seemed silly.

 

[Acklander]

some people grieve outward, some grieve inward. Neither is right or wrong and has no reflection how much you cared. It's just who you are.

 

[Tinkermommy]

I am the same way. I have only been to the cemetery right after the funerals. I just don't feel the person that has died is really are "there". Their body is of course, but that is shed and no longer of use.

I do think of my grandmother and aunt (both of whom I was very close to) a lot and will often see or hear something that will remind me of them. I still miss them and it's been years since they are gone.

I also don't try to dwell on the anniversary of their death, but I do remember them on their birthdays.

I really don't get the appeal of memorial tattoos, car stickers, etc but it does bring comfort to people. I think I am just more private in how I deal with losing someone.

 

[NMAmy]

My mom and I were just discussing this the other day. She told me that after she died, she figured no one would put flowers on the grandparents/great-grandparents graves. My dad was cremated and Mom wants to be, as well, so she's not concerned about her own grave having flowers. I told her that I would do it if it's important to her. Then she told me not to mess with it--the only reason she really does it was because it was important to her parents.

I don't think it's unusual to not spend time visiting the graves. I actually like cemetaries because I think they're beautiful places but it's not really a symbol of the person I loved. I remember them in other ways.

 

[1stluvispooh]

Nope your not alone. I don't think the rest of the word give a hoot if I am still grieving. I do it in my own way and don't make a production out of it.

 

[mrsheppo]

I'm the same way. I have not visited my parents' graves since the day they were buried. I still grieve in my own personal way even though it has been 28 years since my mom and 17 years since my dad passed away. It does not mean that I didn't respect them but I know that me going to the cemetery does not mean anything. I know their remains are there but I feel their spirits around me everywhere. They would not condemn me for not going to the cemetery.

 

[LoriABil]

I agree that we all grieve in our own ways. I feel I can remember my loved ones without ever visiting their graves again...they aren't there. Who they were is inside of me, and if I have that, I memorialize them daily.

That said, we continue to have observances and remember D-Day, Pearl Harbor, and even the Challenger explosion. This was not the death of a loved one (although many people lost loved ones). This was an attack where many innocent people lost lives.

I think it is good to have the memorials, but in time, I hope that it turns into more of an observance, like Pearl Harbor. But regardless, I won't turn on the tele today...I'm far too emotional to watch any of that.

 

[Magpie]

I think this is kind of a timely question considering what day it is.

Am I the only one who doesn't feel the need to memorialize? When loved ones pass away, I grieve, go to the funeral/memorial and then continue to grieve in my own way. I don't visit gravesites, don't feel the need to put memorials in the newspaper, don't do anything special on the anniversary date. My mother died in 2008 and family members feel like I don't care anymore because I don't want to put flowers on the grave every holiday or season change. They'll say snide things to me and act accusatory. My father and aunt actually said I didn't care! I didn't want to put a memorial in the paper on her anniversary date, so nobody spoke to me for a few days around then. I have never been back to visit any of my grandparents' graves. I guarantee if I lost someone to a car accident, I would not want to mark the site in any way.

It's not that these deaths don't sadden me -- they do! I still think of them all often. Same with 9/11. I think about it all the time! But I just don't feel the need to memorialize.

You know, I'm not a very sentimental person either. I don't feel any urge to memorialize. But... I do care VERY much about my living family.

When my family want to visit a grave, or... more likely in our case, spend the evening of the anniversary getting drunk and teary... I support them. Because it's not just about me, it's also about them and their feelings. I love them, so I respect their need to grieve in their own way.

In your case, if my father and aunt asked me to visit my dead mother's grave site, I would go with them. Not because I want to, but because I love them and I know it's important to them. I wouldn't criticize them for their observances, I'd simply give them the love they need. Spending the day with my loved ones, even in a graveyard, is not a hardship.

For a memorial in the paper, I'd say, "That sounds like a lovely idea. Here's some money. No, no I couldn't possibly write it myself. It would just be too painful. But I'll be happy to add my name to whatever you come up with." Ditto for keeping flowers on the grave - donate money and LOTS of thanks to whomever in the family is willing to take the task, but simply explain that you can't do it.

Everyone's different. Just because you don't want to memorialize, doesn't mean your relatives are wrong for wanting to do things to remember your mom - or for asking you to be involved. Really, it's often less about the dead person and more about trying to strengthen family ties and formally/ritually acknowledge that we're all still here, together.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I think this is kind of a timely question considering what day it is.

Am I the only one who doesn't feel the need to memorialize? When loved ones pass away, I grieve, go to the funeral/memorial and then continue to grieve in my own way. I don't visit gravesites, don't feel the need to put memorials in the newspaper, don't do anything special on the anniversary date. My mother died in 2008 and family members feel like I don't care anymore because I don't want to put flowers on the grave every holiday or season change. They'll say snide things to me and act accusatory. My father and aunt actually said I didn't care! I didn't want to put a memorial in the paper on her anniversary date, so nobody spoke to me for a few days around then. I have never been back to visit any of my grandparents' graves. I guarantee if I lost someone to a car accident, I would not want to mark the site in any way.

It's not that these deaths don't sadden me -- they do! I still think of them all often. Same with 9/11. I think about it all the time! But I just don't feel the need to memorialize.

Everyone grieves in their own way and no one way is right for everyone. Where trouble gets started is when people insist that everyone else should do it one particular way and if everyone else doesn't, then everyone else is lacking or less.

These are wise words for just about everything in life. If we all left everyone else alone and stopped trying to force everyone else to do things the way we think they should be done, then everyone would be a happier people.

 

[tazdev3225]

I am also the type that doesn't go to cemetaries. My great-aunt had my mom drive her to the cemetary every year for holidays and putting flowers on graves. My mom did it out of respect for my aunt.

The first time I saw where my grandfathers were buried was when my grandmothers died. I do not need to see the graves to remember them. I remember them and what they meant to me. That is more important to me.

My DH on the other hand was raised in a family that went to the cemetary for everything. Our first BIG fight was when he had to break a date so he could put a blanket on his fathers grave. I started laughing and he got really angry. What he didn't understand was I was picturing a real blanket and didn't know what he was talking about. I didn't think his father could get that cold. The last time I went to put a flower on his parents grave out of respect for his feelings I got into a car accident on the way home. I took that as an omen and haven't gone back.

I think that everyone has to cope with grief and loss in the way that works for them.There is no right or wrong way.

 

[minkydog]

I'm right there with you, Marcia. I don't visit cemetaries, either. Not because of any morbid fear or discomfort. I just believe that my loved ones are no longer there, but have moved on to eternal life elsewhere. I have no need to "visit' them more than very occasionally. My mother thinks I'm horrible because I don't want to go visit my step-dad's grave. I loved him dearly,he was such a good man, but I just don't need to go there. I live about 400 miles away and every time I visit my mom she finds *some* reason to have to go by the cemetary. I don't say anything, I just go along. It makes her feel better.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

I beleive that everyone should be able to grieve in their own way. Some feel more strongly about things than others, but everyone should be able to do it their own way.

However, today is not just about some people passing away, this was an attack on our country killing thousands of innocent people. For some they just want to move on, but for others it is more difficult and for me this has been the most difficult year. It doesn't get better it gets worse. I just hope and pray that one day peace will come out of all of this.

Be well today.

 

[Chelley00]

Oh me too. My DH thinks I'm insensitive and "cold hearted" because I don't want to go with him and his parents to put flowers on a bunch of grave sites. Even worse that I won't let him take the little kids with them. (last time it gave DD nightmares!) Personally, I think it's morbid to go stand on someone's gravesite. For me, they aren't there anymore...it's just a shell.

I grieve, usually in private. I had a cousin tell me that I must have hated her dad because I didn't cry at her dad's funeral. What she didn't know is that I cried for hours, at home, in my bathroom. I was raised by a career Marine and you didn't show emotion in public. Does it mean I don't care? Not at all. We just all grieve in different ways.

 

[MushyMushy]

You know, I'm not a very sentimental person either. I don't feel any urge to memorialize. But... I do care VERY much about my living family.

When my family want to visit a grave, or... more likely in our case, spend the evening of the anniversary getting drunk and teary... I support them. Because it's not just about me, it's also about them and their feelings. I love them, so I respect their need to grieve in their own way.

In your case, if my father and aunt asked me to visit my dead mother's grave site, I would go with them. Not because I want to, but because I love them and I know it's important to them. I wouldn't criticize them for their observances, I'd simply give them the love they need. Spending the day with my loved ones, even in a graveyard, is not a hardship.

For a memorial in the paper, I'd say, "That sounds like a lovely idea. Here's some money. No, no I couldn't possibly write it myself. It would just be too painful. But I'll be happy to add my name to whatever you come up with." Ditto for keeping flowers on the grave - donate money and LOTS of thanks to whomever in the family is willing to take the task, but simply explain that you can't do it.

Everyone's different. Just because you don't want to memorialize, doesn't mean your relatives are wrong for wanting to do things to remember your mom - or for asking you to be involved. Really, it's often less about the dead person and more about trying to strengthen family ties and formally/ritually acknowledge that we're all still here, together.

I get what you're saying, but that's just it -- they DO want me to write the memorial for the paper (birthday, anniversary, Christmas, Easter and memorial day) and they DO expect me to go to the cemetery on my own. I have taken my dad every few months, which is not a problem. What's getting to me is all the questions if I've gone to the grave recently, if I've put flowers there, when I'm going again, would I go put another set of flowers there. That first year, I tried to help my sister change the flowers, but then other relatives (my dad's family, not my mom's) would come in and throw out the ones we put on and put their own on, causing a lot of drama in the process.

And again, I get your point, I really do. It just hasn't been a two-way street here. I've been supporting them in their way of grieving, but I get a lot of criticism in my own way of grieving. I still hear grumblings that I didn't cry at the funeral, and actually laughed at something the preacher said.

 

[krcit]

I don't go to my fathers grave. I think of him all the time and feel that he's not 'there'. However, when it comes to today, I think it's very important to have the memorials. People who weren't personally affected are forgetting what happened that day.

 

[Magpie]

I get what you're saying, but that's just it -- they DO want me to write the memorial for the paper (birthday, anniversary, Christmas, Easter and memorial day) and they DO expect me to go to the cemetery on my own. I have taken my dad every few months, which is not a problem. What's getting to me is all the questions if I've gone to the grave recently, if I've put flowers there, when I'm going again, would I go put another set of flowers there. That first year, I tried to help my sister change the flowers, but then other relatives (my dad's family, not my mom's) would come in and throw out the ones we put on and put their own on, causing a lot of drama in the process.

And again, I get your point, I really do. It just hasn't been a two-way street here. I've been supporting them in their way of grieving, but I get a lot of criticism in my own way of grieving. I still hear grumblings that I didn't cry at the funeral, and actually laughed at something the preacher said.

I'm so sorry to hear that! I wonder if it would be possible to just put your feelings down in a letter and give it to your dad? It sounds like all you're asking for is the same consideration that you're giving them.

FWIW - I don't cry at funerals either. I don't think crying can be forced. And I think it's entirely appropriate to find humour in even the worst situations (or maybe especially then!).

At one close family member's funeral, the preacher brought in a "boom-box" and put it down beside his folding chair up at the front of the room. When the time came for the music the deceased had chosen, the preacher sat down on the chair and pressed a button, and then we all listened to a rock music CD for the next several minutes. I thought it was hilarious. My husband agreed (and it was his family!). But of course, none of us laughed AT the funeral. We waited until afterward, when everyone was getting drunk and eating the food the neighbours donated.

I guess I'd just have to say, stick to your guns and just keep repeating, "I loved my mum, and I will mourn in my own way. P*ss off!" Okay, not so much those last two words, but I can definitely sympathize if you're thinking them.

 

[southern_redhead]

I have a hard time with this. I know people think I am a grinch. I have no problem with changing flowers on graves regularly and making sure the cemetary is keeping the gravesite manicured. I do, however, take issue with how our funeral home does obituaries. One, unless you have one of those pre-death plans stating otherwise, they insist you have a picture on their website and in the local paper with the obituary. If your family doesn't provide one they PULL YOUR DL PHOTO. No one wants that pic in the paper! And I know a few older people who take regular portraits in case they die so they have a "good" photo, how sad is that?! Also, I don't understand the people who put an "ad" in the paper each year on the date of a relatives death. Anyone who knew/loved them already knows this and if they aren't one of those people why do you feel the need to inform them? Of course, one of the ladies at work about fell out when I told her I found it insulting that they add people to the "prayer chain" whether someone asks for it or not. First of all, I believe God answers prayers as He sees fit. He isn't more likely to heal me if 500 people are praying for me than if I pray for myself, not how I see it. Second, if you add someone who didn't ask for it and call all these people to relay the situation I feel that is one step away from gossip. Maybe it is a private issue, maybe they want to publicize it at another time. It isn't that I don't support prayer and it isn't that I don't ever want anyone to pray for me. If you know I have something going on and want to pray privately for me the please do so, I appreciate the concern. Please do NOT, however, call everyone on your churches roster and tell them something I may not want everone knowing about me. So, yeah, I know what you mean. And, no, I don't think it's odd.

 

[southern_redhead]

I However, when it comes to today, I think it's very important to have the memorials. People who weren't personally affected are forgetting what happened that day.

I will say I support this. One, it was never private. I would never air someone's personal 9/11 story if they didn't agree to it but to remind everyone that American lives were taken on our soil on this date is important. Not only out of respect for those who lost their lives but also to keep it fresh in everyone's mind that we must, as a nation, be proactive and on the alert. Apathy will kill America one day, because those with passion for their cause will come in and take over and everyone here will say "Who cares? Nothing I can do about it."

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hey Mushy, I am with you....
I have never been that way.
To want to memorialize and remember (aka: almost worship)

My MIL not only has some morbid fixation, but she thinks she NEEDS to memorialize... The woman, I think, keeps a calendar that shows when every person that she has ever known that has passed away. She has a cat graveyard in FRONT of her house.. not like a street-front front yard... she lives off the street and there are some woods... but, still. In her front yard, in direct line of view of her front porch, complete with plastic flowers.

I think that trying to keep 'ones memory' alive forever and ever and ever is a function of narcissism, man's desire to 'live' forever, and man's failed human nature. (will not go any further due to DIS guidelines)

However, I did post on one person's thread... The one who went to ground zero....

IMHO, THIS IS TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
I am with those who think that what happened that day is an important, life and history altering, event. And is very unwise to be quickly forgotten. This is not memorializing a 'person'.... but a profound, and very important, event.