Am I right or not? (Long)

[luckywife]

Ok, here's the story. MIL is mad at me and DH because we didn't agree with what she told our DS-10 the other day.

His grades in school so far this year haven't been all that great. But, he has been working harder and trying to bring them up. She told him over the weekend that if he brought all of his grades up, she would TRY to stop smoking. When he told us about it we explained to him that he was not allowed to go along with this "deal" because it's just not fair. When she mentioned it to me yesterday I told her the same thing.
She is already seeing a lung specialist because her lungs are in bad shape. The doctor told her that if she continues to smoke she won't live much longer and right now she is living on "borrowed time."
Maybe we are thinking about this little deal all wrong? I don't think it's fair that a 10 year old little boy should have to bring up his grades for his grandma to stop smoking. I mean, what happens if he doesn't bring them up and she continutes to smoke and then dies in a year or so. Wouldn't that make him feel like it was ALL his fault? I tried to tell him (DS) this morning that she has to WANT to stop smoking before she'll do it. His grades, good or bad, shouldn't matter at all. It just doesn't seem right to me that she would even say something like that or think that sort of a bargain is ok for a child. It's her decision and her choice if she chooses to smoke or not to smoke. I don't think the weight of that choice should be on my son's shoulders.
So, am I right or wrong about this??

 

[grinningghost]

I agree with you. That's a pretty heavy load for a 10 year old boy.

If he was in college, OK. But a 10 year old might not be able to rationalize that his grandmother DIDN'T die because his grades didn't improve.

 

[caitycaity]

I mean, what happens if he doesn't bring them up and she continutes to smoke and then dies in a year or so. Wouldn't that make him feel like it was ALL his fault?

i agree with you. what a horrible thing for a 10 year old to bear.

 

[DawnCt1]

Originally posted by luckywife
I don't think the weight of that choice should be on my son's shoulders.
So, am I right or wrong about this??

You are 200% right about this and for all of the reasons you have stated.

 

[TEENEE]

I'll bet grandma didn't think about the negative aspect of her deal. In her eyes she may have seen this as a way to encourage your son to improve his grades. I don't agree with what she did but wanted to offer a different view point.

 

[piglet too]

I can see her thinking but it is not smart on her part. What a burden for a ten year old to have. I know that my son (he is 10 as well) would feel just horrible if he was put in this situation. If she wants to challange him to continue to do his best and try harder even, then maybe an award but not this. You are 100%% right on this!

 

[LvsTnk]

Hmmm... MIL's sometimes I just don't get them!

 

[disykat]

Horrible. Regardless of his age, Grandma should not be pulling other people into her health issues. The smoking is her issue - nobodys grades have anything to do with it.

What's next? "Daddy and I are fighting, but we'll try not to divorce if you start behaving yourself." "The Dog is hungry, I'll think about feeding it if you clean your room." Every single thing we do could be twisted into a way to force children to do what we want and put the responsibility on their shoulders. Really sick thinking IMO.

 

[lapinluv]

Originally posted by disykat
Horrible. Regardless of his age, Grandma should not be pulling other people into her health issues. The smoking is her issue - nobodys grades have anything to do with it.

Agree completely. It's a bad and stupid idea.

 

[WDSearcher]

I think it sounds like your MIL was trying to give your DS incentive by showing him that if he'll do something that's hard for him -- bringing the grades up -- she'll do something that's hard for her -- stopping smoking. She's using him as her incentive too, probably thinking that they'd both do better with the other person's struggle and success as their motivation. I think she meant well. I'd let your son know that what Grandma really meant was that "if you try, she'll try" and that that's ALL the deal was.

 

[snoopy]

Originally posted by WDSearcher
I think it sounds like your MIL was trying to give your DS incentive by showing him that if he'll do something that's hard for him -- bringing the grades up -- she'll do something that's hard for her -- stopping smoking. She's using him as her incentive too, probably thinking that they'd both do better with the other person's struggle and success as their motivation. I think she meant well. I'd let your son know that what Grandma really meant was that "if you try, she'll try" and that that's ALL the deal was.

A perfect solution as far as I can see, good advice.

(and best of luck to both Grandma and your DS! )

 

[EsmeraldaX]

I agree with you.

 

[RadioNate]

that's horrible - too much for a 10 year old.

 

[poohandwendy]

I agree she probably meant well, but it is a really sick idea if you stand back and think about it.

I think she should talk to him about tackling things that are hard to do, but she went too far with the idea. How would she feel if he said, ''Grandma, if you quit smoking, I'll try to do well in school.'' It's just wierd.....

 

[luckywife]

I can kind of agree with what you said, WDSearcher. I don't think her intentions were bad with what she said but when I tried to explain how we felt about it, how it just didn't seem like a fair deal, she got mad. I wasn't nasty or hateful about it, I just wanted her to see where I was coming from.

My mom was a HEAVY smoker for many years. She died last year from lung cancer and our son took it really hard. I just didn't want him to feel like him bringing up his grades or not bringing up his grades would make her decide if she smokes or not. Basically what it boils down to, if she continues to smoke, she won't live much longer, if she stops now, it may give her a few more years. I just don't want my son to feel like it's all up to him now. Like I said, I know her intentions weren't bad, she's a good hearted person, but she is mad and refuses to see where DH and I are coming from.

 

[snoopy]

Can you maybe smooth things over by mentioning the word "try"? Ask her to talk to your DS again and tell him that she is really going to try her best and she wants him to do the same? I think your son will feel a lot less of a burden if he knows the pressure is off, and all he has to do is try his best.

 

[Microcell]

Print this and give it to her: I was sixteen when my mom died of a heart attack and for YEARS I blamed myself for yelling at her the day before she died, then for not taking better care of her (she had hardening of the arteries, which made her unable to function so we bought her food etc...)

I don't care if he gets all F's her only choice is to stop smoking for his sake. He could really blame himself for her death if it comes to that. The die is cast as they say in the play. She needs to tell him it was unfair of her to say that, and she needs to stop smoking NOW!!!!

I am still saying "what if " even though my rational brain says I couldn't have done anything. If she continues this refusal, she has opened a wound that will never heal.

My sister says bone headed things like that and I continually tell my kids that she needs to be taken with a grain of salt.

 

[luckywife]

Thank you everyone for your advice and opinions. And Microcell, I am so sorry for what you had to go through as a child and even as an adult. That made my heart hurt for you.

Yesterday I tried to explain to MIL where I was coming from and I told her that I could even see why she made this deal with him, because she wants his grades to be better than what they are. I can understand it because I feel the same way. I just thought another deal or bargain might be better for him. Right now she's really P.O.'d and I know just to leave her alone when she gets in that kind of mood. In a few days, I'll have DH give her a call or something. I'm not sure what else to do but I sure didn't think I'd make her that mad at me when I wasn't mean or nasty when I told her we didn't agree with it.

 

[eeyore kelly]

MIL's I agree with you luckywife to call this deal thing off. It is wrong, wrong, wrong. As far as her mood, oh well. She'll get over it. You have the right, duty, and responsibility to see make sure your child is cared for in a way that doesn't not damage his physical, emotional, and mental health. This deal does not fit those standards.

 

[poohandwendy]

good for you luckywife, you did the right thing and I am sure she will get over it...she is probably just embarrassed that her 'idea' backfired...