Am I overreacting?

[ohiomom28]

 

[Kath2003]

Are you overreacting? Yes, but I don't think that's the issue here.

I'd say your partner is UNDERreacting to YOUR behaviour.

I think you need to talk to a professional about these issues as they are obviously affecting your current relationship.

 

[edandcolleen1995]

Going to be blunt..

But if I found out my wife was reading my email, it would be a huge deal.

Sorry but I don't go snoping though her stuff and she does not go through mine. I have nothing to hide, but we do respect each other's privacy and space.

If I had any concerns, I would confront her directly and not snoop and go behind her back.

What you are doing is wrong. Your BF has not given you any reason to do this. Men (and women) can have friends of the opposite gender. I have a friend that is female since HS (20+ years back) and we have never ever had a romantic moment before or after I was married. She is a friend. I email and talk to her about 1x a week.

As the other poster stated, you need to talk to a professional, work through your issues. The good news is that you are clearly open to feedback and hopefully willing to get some help! I am sure you can do it.

 

[ohiomom28]

What do you mean by underreacting? By him still talking to her? I told him I would never ask someone to not be friends with someone just because I had a problem with it.

I have thought about seeing someone about my problems. I just wish it would go away on its own.

 

[ohiomom28]

Going to be blunt..

But if I found out my wife was reading my email, it would be a huge deal.

Sorry but I don't go snoping though her stuff and she does not go through mine. I have nothing to hide, but we do respect each other's privacy and space.

If I had any concerns, I would confront her directly and not snoop and go behind her back.

What you are doing is wrong. Your BF has not given you any reason to do this. Men (and women) can have friends of the opposite gender. I have a friend that is female since HS (20+ years back) and we have never ever had a romantic moment before or after I was married. She is a friend. I email and talk to her about 1x a week.

As the other poster stated, you need to talk to a professional, work through your issues. The good news is that you are clearly open to feedback and hopefully willing to get some help! I am sure you can do it.

Thanks, blunt or not, it made me feel better

 

[Kath2003]

What do you mean by underreacting? By him still talking to her? I told him I would never ask someone to not be friends with someone just because I had a problem with it.

I have thought about seeing someone about my problems. I just wish it would go away on its own.

No I mean under-reacting to YOUR jealousy. The guy isn't doing anything wrong. You know this because you keep checking up on him. If my partner checked up on me more than once I'd be having serious words about the future of our relationship (namely that it should be built on TRUST).

If he's going to cheat on you, he will. You checking up on him won't change that. If anything, your lack of trust and the breakdown of the relationship could force him to look elsewhere for an emotional and/or physical connection.

You need to get help. Your partner sounds VERY patient and supportive of your issues.

 

[Octoberbride03]

HE is UNDERreacting to you. This is not going to go away on its own. If you don't see someone about your behavior then you will lose him. If I were him I would already be thinking about moving out.

My DH and I do not do this to each other. We don't each other's passwords and we don't snoop around on the other person. We have a relationship of trust. Trust always has be earned but you already admit that he has earned yours. You just haven't given it. Your have not earned his trust.

Find a therapist now. Or you will lose him

 

[ohiomom28]

No I mean under-reacting to YOUR jealousy. The guy isn't doing anything wrong. You know this because you keep checking up on him. If my partner checked up on me more than once I'd be having serious words about the future of our relationship (namely that it should be built on TRUST).

If he's going to cheat on you, he will. You checking up on him won't change that. If anything, your lack of trust and the breakdown of the relationship could force him to look elsewhere for an emotional and/or physical connection.

You need to get help. Your partner sounds VERY patient and supportive of your issues.

That's his point, He said if I can't trust him, we will have serious problems. Thanks for your feedback! I had to get this out to someone, even if it is people I don't know

 

[raysnkaysmom]

Are you overreacting? Yes, but I don't think that's the issue here.

I'd say your partner is UNDERreacting to YOUR behaviour.

I think you need to talk to a professional about these issues as they are obviously affecting your current relationship.

It's not really a situation where ' overreacting' is the right word... I dont think he's 'underreacting'...
You feel the way you feel. It's unfair to him, but you can't help it, it seems. If you have an opportunity to see a counseler...do it. But, try to let go. You are NOT with that person anymore who hurt you. You are with someone who has been wonderful to you and not given you reason to distrust him. YOu have to be fair to him, and treat him the way he deserves.
My best friends husband does similar to her because his exwife cheated on him. I will tell you, it's all but broken up their marriage...
Talk openly with him and tell him you know why you feel this way, and you will WORK on letting it all go, and ask him to please work with you on it.

But, NOW..you MUST stop checking his emails... it will only damage the relationship further if he knows your reasons for doing so. YOU are the one in control here....

 

[*pixie*dust*]

You should consult with someone about your relationship insecurities. Your DB is an entirely different person than your ex. You can't hold DB accountable for what your ex did. Stop snooping immediately! This will end your relationship if you don't. He is living with you. He is open about contacting his friend. If he wanted to be with her he would. Don't mess up a good thing because of an ex.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have not posted about this before because I think I was afraid of what I would hear. I have not told any friends for the same reason. I had a horrible relationship with my son's father and I am learning now what effect his cheating in the past is having on my relationship with my BF. I am insanely jealous and suspicious! My BF and I have recently moved in together, just this month. He has a (girl) friend from years and years ago that we ran into back in June. She is married to an old best friend of his and is currently going through a bad divorce. They have kept in contact through email mostly. He has never hidden it from me and she has been invited to our house and to go out with us several times. Awhile back, being the suspicious person I am, checked his email on his Blackberry. They talk just about every work day. He already thinks I don't trust him and it really bothers him and can't understand why I don't. So, when I brought this up, it made him even more confused as to why I don't trust him. He is right, he has never given me reason to not trust him. So, he tells me he is friends with her and thats all. They keep talking like he said he would. I keep checking his email. I can't stop. I feel so horrible and its making me feel worse. There isn't anything in the emails to make me not trust him. Like he says, he is always with me when he isn't at work and when he does invite her to go places or to our house, I am there. Why does this bother me so much?!? I brought it up to him again today and he was very upset. He emailed me once he got to work and poured out his heart. He says I am living in the past and not paying attention to the good things going on in our lives. I know he loves me and he trusts me, why can't I get past this? He would die if he knew I read his email...which makes me feel worse.

Couple of things spring to mind...

You are not ready to move forward for whatever reason. Only you know the answer there.

Or the relationship with your BF is not a match at this point in your life.
To be blunt, not everyone is going to be able to have an exgirlfriend in the picture due to character/life issues. Right or wrong, that is just reality. Accept your reality. If you can't stop checking up on him, you are going to have to let him go. You will drive each other insane.

 

[ChrizJen]

I agree with the others.
You are more than overreacting. There's really nothing he's done wrong for you to react to. Your DBF sounds like a genuinely good guy. You should just sit down with him and talk with him about your trust issues. If he's not aware that these issues stem from your previous relationship, you owe it to him to tell him. And you owe it to yourself (and your relationship) to find someone you can talk to about these issues. Find a good counselor or therapist. It's not a huge issue to work through, but the longer you let it go, the more it will eat away at your own self confidence AND your relationship with your BF.

 

[dismom2005]

Just a quick question - had your BF been e-mailing this old girlfriend before June on a daily basis or when you meet up in June they got back into contact?

I had never thought of myself as a jealous type of person before my husband's affair with a woman 14 years his junior earlier this year. I do know that men and women can and should be friends but FOR ME, I do not talk with my best friends on a daily basis and just wonder why they need to talk multiple times a day while he is at work. That just sounds like a lot and yes, it would bother me. I am not saying that your boyfriend has the wrong intentions, but i've had first-hand experience of a friendship that crossed the line into something very inappropriate. I don't think my husband was the type to ever get involved in something like this but I do know sometimes the intentions of the "old girlfriend" are more than just a friendship.

 

[tazdev3225]

I have to agree with the other posts. You have a problem with trust issues and you need to get professional help to learn how to deal with this. My DH has many female friends and is a huge flirt. I even call one his work GF and one is just his GF. I trust him and therefore am not threatened by his behavior. We did have some issues with trust early in our relationship but we got help which is why we are now at a place where we trust each other.

 

[ohiomom28]

Just a quick question - had your BF been e-mailing this old girlfriend before June on a daily basis or when you meet up in June they got back into contact?

I had never thought of myself as a jealous type of person before my husband's affair with a woman 14 years his junior earlier this year. I do know that men and women can and should be friends but FOR ME, I do not talk with my best friends on a daily basis and just wonder why they need to talk multiple times a day while he is at work. That just sounds like a lot and yes, it would bother me. I am not saying that your boyfriend has the wrong intentions, but i've had first-hand experience of a friendship that crossed the line into something very inappropriate. I don't think my husband was the type to ever get involved in something like this but I do know sometimes the intentions of the "old girlfriend" are more than just a friendship.

She isn't an old girlfriend. They were good friends a long time ago and she married his old best friend. They hadn't spoken in probably 8-10 years when we ran into her.
I honestly trust him to not cheat on me but I know how friendly emails can change into something else. But I also have to look at it like he does...If he was trying to hide it from me, he wouldn't invite her to our house or out with us.

 

[Amy&Dan]

On paper, yeah, it looks like you are overracting. But a couple of things come to my mind.

First, you have been hurt in the past. When that happens, when we get back on that horse so to speak, it can be hard to completely let go of the pain and hurt we suffered in a previous situation. I think with some counseling, it could get easier. But you may just not ever be able to fully get to that point where you can say "oh this doesn't bother me at all".

Your bf may be underreacting to your pain. Which again, is coming from his background of being a trustworthy guy. Had he been the one who had been cheated on in a serious relationship, he would probably feel the way you do if hte situation was reversed.

Its wrong for you to snoop but you know that. To me its not a deadly sin kind of wrong but rather just one facet of what you are going through. I think you should own up to that, tell him what you have done and tell him you are wanting to get some help to deal with what you are feeling.

I also have to say, this kind of situation always has potential to stir up feelings. I have a friend, he and his wife are good friends of me and my husband. This guy and I email sometimes, we all do (the four of us) regarding things we have coming up like camping, dinners, bbq's that sort of thing. So lots of times its group type emails. However, sometimes he and I email back and forth, we both feel identical about current event type stuff, so sometimes he'll forward me stuff and I'll respond back, we are both smart a** type people and we crack each other up both via email and when we all hang out. Perfectly innocent. I didn't think much about it, but one night his wife (who is my good friend) said something that just gave me a little bit of a hint that maybe she doesn't like that. Following that conversation, I had planned to just sort of stop responding to anything that wasn't addressed to her as well (you know, a "hey what time are we leaving to camp this weekend sort of email between the four of us). But he hasn't really sent anything other than that anyway. Don't know if she said something to him or if he just picked up the hint too. I talked about it with my husband and asked him if that had bothered him (its our home email so I am sure he had read some of our banter) and he said no. But I realized that if my husband and my friend were emailing like that, it might bother me becasue I tend to be insecure. I don't think we crossed a line, but if his wife does, even a tiny bit, that is the last thing I want. Her feelings matter more to me and I also had to think about how I might feel about that or how my husband might feel.

I guess my long winded reply is that for many of us, this kind of thing is touchy. You have baggage on this issue and to me its very understandable that you would be upset by this. Its not logical or reasonable on some levels, but to me its valid for you to feel this way. Time will help and I think talking to a professional is a great idea. Because even if this relationship doesn't last (for this or any other reason) this will simply come up again in the next one. In today's times of email, facebook, the workplace, etc, men and women come into a lot of contact with each other. So this isn't a unique situation that can't possibly come up again in your life.

Good luck, I hope it all works out and I bet it will! Admitting something is a problem is half the battle. So you are off to a good start!

 

[dismom2005]

She isn't an old girlfriend. They were good friends a long time ago and she married his old best friend. They hadn't spoken in probably 8-10 years when we ran into her.
I honestly trust him to not cheat on me but I know how friendly emails can change into something else. But I also have to look at it like he does...If he was trying to hide it from me, he wouldn't invite her to our house or out with us.

Well I think this is where I feel differently about things. Some of the men here reference "girl" friends they have known since high school, but this was someone who came back into his life in June and is now contacting him every day. I think that is different than someone who has been a girl-friend for 20-some years.

I am not trying to add fuel to the fire and perhaps I am not trusting after what I went through with my husband, but i've had a woman friend of mine and my husband's flirt with my husband right in front of my face. It happens. She bought him gifts (!?) as well.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well I think this is where I feel differently about things. Some of the men here reference "girl" friends they have known since high school, but this was someone who came back into his life in June and is now contacting him every day. I think that is different than someone who has been a girl-friend for 20-some years.

I am not trying to add fuel to the fire and perhaps I am not trusting after what I went through with my husband, but i've had a woman friend of mine and my husband's flirt with my husband right in front of my face. It happens. She bought him gifts (!?) as well.

I do agree that it is unnerving that he just recently started up contact with her and they are communicating daily.

Bottom line is, can you handle a relationship with someone that has close relationships with other women other than you?

That is really what it boils down to. Right now you would have to answer no.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Yes, you are overreacting. You need to step back. I agree with the other posters, your BF isn't doing anything wrong. He is being open and honest. First...STOP invading his privacy NOW. If you feel you can't get over this non-trust then seek help.

I know how you feel. My ex cheated and lied to me so many times it was unreal. I had long talks with my current DH, and he knows how I feel about cheating and lying, and we are very honest and open with each other. He has ex-gf on his facebook and I have an ex-bf on mine. It isn't a big deal. I trust him totally...he loves me, I love him, we share 4 kids together (2 from my ex).


Your current BF isn't your EX!!! Trust him...!!

 

[ohiomom28]

I do agree that it is unnerving that he just recently started up contact with her and they are communicating daily.

Bottom line is, can you handle a relationship with someone that has close relationships with other women other than you?

That is really what it boils down to. Right now you would have to answer no.

They stopped communicating long ago because her husband and my BF had a falling out. They haven't spoken in years either. I'm not trying to make excuses for it, I'm just trying to see the positive side of this situation.